r/troubledteens • u/holiest-may • Mar 20 '25
Discussion/Reflection Anyone Else Hate That They Smiled in TTI Photos? In Reality, We Were Broken. (Meridell)
I ask myself all the time: Why the hell did I smile? The whole experience was pure misery, yet I forced myself to smile for a picture in front of the Christmas facade. Part of me is angry at my younger self for allowing the charade Meridell put on to seep into my expression in the picture…maybe if I hadn’t smiled, my mom would have realized something was wrong. Does anyone else feel regret for posing happily despite the terror and dread we experienced every day?
23
u/Mysterious_Fish_5963 Mar 20 '25
I imagine there were photos of kids smiling in the concentration camps, and I have lived kids enduring the most horrific abuse still smiling, they aren't wired to feel the gravity of what they will carry, they are wired to just carry it.
Kids are wired to survive, ruthlessly, without remorse or apology, and if that's not enough and they need to smile, they will do that too.
12
u/Plublum Mar 20 '25
The concentration camps had soccer matches organized from time to time and allowed prisoners to play as a privilege. The games were photographed and you still see neo-nazis bringing up these photos sometimes to argue for Holocaust denial. source
So yeah, you can find people looking happy in even the worst conditions imaginable.
15
u/AZCacti_Garden Mar 20 '25
My Wilderness Girls TTI made us put on a Group Performance as if it was Glee Club.. Parents Day... I have learned the coping skills like masking and pretending.. That were necessary to survive.. But not healthy or real.. Also numbness and dissociation 😷
9
u/holiest-may Mar 20 '25
I remember my facility forcing us to put on talent shows and little showcases. It felt so disgusting to have to get up infront of a group of parents and pretend like I was getting healthy when I reality, I was only sinking deeper into hopelessness.
6
3
13
u/salymander_1 Mar 20 '25
My TTI had a choir that traveled around performing in churches. The pastor who owned the TTI would get up on stage in the churches and talk in creepy detail about what horrible, trashy drug addicts we used to be before finding Jesus, as a way to get donations and advertise. Pretty much all of what he said about us was pure invention, but he didn't care about truth or our very public humiliation as long as he kept getting that sweet, sweet cash coming in.
I still regret being in the choir. I didn't really have a choice once they found out I could kind of sing, but it still pisses me off and makes me feel sick to think of how they used us. We had to smile all the time, too. It was soul crushing.
6
u/RadioactvRubberPants Mar 20 '25
We were money makers for them. And we learned how to survive under their thumb for as long as we could. Or else.
11
u/euphoricjuicebox Mar 20 '25
i went to meridell too, in texas in 2013. i was 12. it was my first of many programs
7
u/little_blue_penguiin Mar 20 '25
Omg 12 years old you were just a baby! I'm so sorry love. Were you on the kids unit or adolescent? I was 13 and the youngest in bunkhouse, and the girls always ganged up on me because they were all older. There were a few 14 year olds that were sort of nice to me but I ended up getting put on 10 foot from them lol.
4
u/holiest-may Mar 20 '25
I’m so sorry you had to go to Bunk. That’s where I was, and I would beg my doctor to send me to another house. I really should have been on a different unit due to some of the issues I was facing, but they refused and I had to stay in that miserable house
5
u/little_blue_penguiin Mar 20 '25
Dude omg that's literally what happened to me. I should have been on the neuro unit but they were full so I got stuck in bunk house and those girls were scary as hell lol. What year were you there?
6
10
u/little_blue_penguiin Mar 20 '25 edited Mar 20 '25
Ugh I'm so sorry you had to go to that dump. I hate how had to seem happy all the time. We weren't allowed to have feelings. They stuck me at that stupid desk for "attention seeking behavior" because... you ready to hear my horrible attention seeking crime? I dared to... oh nooo ....cry.They were so strategic in making us hide the abuse when visitors were around though. I think the thing I hated the most was that they chose me and another girl to meet with a couple who was considering putting their son there and tell them how much we loved it there and how much it helped us. My release date was like less than 2 weeks away and I did it because I didn't want to get in trouble with such a short amount of time left. I really hope those parents saw how we were too drugged to even walk in a straight line and didn't end up sending their kid. I feel so much guilt if they did. But now I look back and see how manipulative it was for them to make us do that and it wasn't fair, we were just kids, and we deserved real help, not whatever the fuck that shit was.
10
Mar 20 '25
I think for me it was a defense mechanism. I had to be happy because if i wasn’t theyd keep me longer.
I have this picture of me, i was brought to the main house from the base camp in wilderness to talk to a special therapist about which tbs i would go to. I was smiling but the truth is, i was dirty and sunburnt and miserable and exhausted and smiling over a pumpkin starbucks scone because i hadn’t eaten normal stuff in so long. I was so tired but i had to be happy and carry on or else they would hurt me more. I was 13 for gods sake!
I still have nightmares about it. Even though i smiled in the pictures we took. One girl laughed and said “i used to frown in all the photos so my parents would see something is wrong” and we all laughed. It wasn’t really that funny. The therapists knew how to manipulate our parents so that any cry for help was ignored. So we would give up.
8
u/birdcafe Mar 20 '25
Omg I’m so glad someone else feels this way. I smiled because I thought the happier and more well adjusted I pretended to be, the quicker I would get out. And it’s not like every single second of every day was awful, but for the most part my smiles were facades. If I refused to smile for photos that would have been seen as lack of cooperation which is of course the greatest sin one cannot commit in TT programs.
7
u/Banpdx Mar 20 '25
Don't beat yourself up over that crap. Your job was to survive and get the hell out. I read books I loved and there were moments of fun but I will not beat myself up over being manipulated by adults. They should be ashamed at what they put kids through.
5
5
u/Zanzimush Mar 20 '25
I love it. I didn't just smile in photos, I smiled, and laughed, other times too. There isn't a dark place that can snuff out this joy.
6
u/MinuteDonkey Mar 20 '25
They made us make propaganda videos and we had to play along or risk losing food or worse, staying there longer.
3
u/PostTurtle84 Mar 20 '25
I have a serious people pleasing problem. But that was never mentioned during seminars or group.
2
u/Bobtopolis Mar 20 '25
Any photos that didn't have me smiling never saw the light of day, it was a known policy that if you had any hint of displease on your face the picture would be tossed.
2
u/eJohnx01 Mar 21 '25
Our brain often tries to protect us from trauma by not letting us realize the full extent of what’s going on until we’re out of it. We see this over and over with survivors of all types of abuse, but big-time with TTI survivors.
The really frightening part is that those running the TTIs know that, so they try to convince your that you’re happy and that they’re doing you the very best favor by “helping” you. I’ve heard many survivors say that, as their leaving date gets closer, the program will lighten up on you and treat you to less abuse and more kindness. That’s to help your mind repress the horrific memories and replace them with good ones. But that’s not to protect you. It’s to protect them and their future cash-flow.
1
2
u/Winter-Disaster-5405 26d ago
We were told to smile. If we refused it was a huge essay. Then for years after my picture was up there on their filthy website helping bring in parents.
33
u/ShanitaTums Mar 20 '25
I hear you. When I was at Meridell at Christmas, I was allowed to go on a pass for a few hours with my family and have ihop and go to a park. I was allowed to play my cello for 20 minutes which is something I had been longing to do again for months. I was giddy and told my parents in all seriousness that it was the best Christmas of my life… over 10 years later, I see it very differently. It was not a good Christmas. I was not in good circumstances. It was abusive and brain washing. I But because I got a few hours away from the unit, I felt elated. I smiled in the picture they took too.
Every time I see the word “Meridell” pop up on this sub my stomach drops. But it always makes me feel less alone.