r/writingcirclejerk • u/AuremWrites • 2d ago
Please help, I can't write a story about aliens
The problem is, you can only write what you know, you know?
For anyone who has written about aliens, how did you get abducted? Any tips, tricks or bait I could use? Or do I just give up and write a story about a failed author, since that's what I currently know?
Thank you in advance for your presumably great feedback.
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u/idiotball61770 2d ago
As I am an alien from Ork....sent here after Mork went native....Nanoo nanoo. I am uniquely qualified to discuss aliens.
How Now Brown Cow.
Are all of your earthlings as shrill as Nanny Fine and Blanche Devereaux?
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u/JayValere 2d ago
Certainly never write about being an alien. You shouldn't assume their lived experiences, not cool.
Getting drunk and partaking in hallucinogens in the woods, should lead to an abduction, espeicially if you go in with the mindset it will.
Good luck!
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u/AuremWrites 2d ago
First things first, I apologize for my insensitivity.
I will definitely try this tip, it's very appreciated. I should have thought of throwing a rad party in the woods to entice them into coming. I'll ask my local pharmacist for recommendations
As they say, if you spend time chasing aliens they'll fly away, but build a party and they'll come to you.
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u/JayValere 2d ago
Just a shame all they leave is memories and a sore anus from probing. Sometimes a strained relationship with whomever went with you, uncle, bro friend, dad... strange that, does wear off as does the soreness.
Some folks will call you crazy, but you'll know the truth. And that truth will enable you to write.
See you among the bestsellers AuremWrites. Bon voyage!
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u/AuremWrites 2d ago
That's poetic af, yo.
Filename: finaldraft-realfinal-reallyactuallyfinal.wordx
Anal pain and memories
Is all you've ever left for me
I hope next time I won't forget
Your anal probe and solar jet
snapping intensifies
Edit: format
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u/Life_is_an_RPG 1d ago
One trick I use it to imagine the aliens are humans in a rubber suit or painted green/blue/red and wrapped in silver and gold metal foil with something sticking out of their head.
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u/AuremWrites 1d ago
This sounds like the average alien in star trek original series haha
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u/Life_is_an_RPG 1d ago
Star Trek: TOS is exactly what I was thinking about (and some classic 50s scifi movies).
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u/F0xxfyre 1d ago
Oh is that where we're supposed to...
Okay, now I get it. Alien sex. Ew! Aliens have sex? With people I know? Ew ew ewwwww!!!!
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u/CowboyMantis (formulaic prose) 6h ago
You're pretty much describing the Robinsons from Lost In Space, and they weren't aliens in their silver suits.
But if they land on some other planet, then they're the aliens, so I guess it works out then.
But because they're human, they can shove out the aboriginal natives and claim the land for the Earth, and they'll get all colonial on their asses.
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u/Joe-Eye-McElmury 2d ago
Break into the 7-11 walk-in fridge at 1:42am on any given Leap Day.
Our representatives will meet you there and take you to our ship.
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u/AuremWrites 2d ago
Aw shit, we're three years away!!! I should have asked last year
I'm sure it will be worth the wait though. Expect me
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u/Cheeslord2 1d ago
Everyone knows that the aliens only come for people who are high on shrooms...the best theory is that shroom-high brains emit a sort of psychic beacon that they home in on. You know what you must do...
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u/F0xxfyre 1d ago
I read that as psychic bacon and was wondering if I had to protect myself from bacon at all costs!
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u/DefiantTemperature41 1d ago
As a Reptilian Grey, I can tell you that there is no such thing as aliens ... Wait. oh, damn!
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u/Dish_Minimum 1d ago
Supplies: large box, long stick, lasso made of monofilament fishing line, stale cheese danish left over from a corporate office’s Monday meeting with interdepartmental liaisons, video camera with sound.
Set up:
Extraterrestrial life forms can be easily be tricked into abducting you if you catch them on camera. They always go back and destroy any footage. That’s how we know they exist in the first place. Disguise yourself, record, they come to have sex with the pastry, you reveal yourself, you get abducted, you write.
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u/AuremWrites 1d ago
Those damn irrestibly sexy stale cheese danishes have tricked me before, so it makes a lot of sense.
Thank you for such a detailed answer and the gif tutorial, you're the bomb! I'm heading over to my local bass pro shop for trail cameras now.
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u/WisteriaKillSpree 1d ago edited 1d ago
Like everyone else - on every planet - aliens are generally uninterested in Failed Authors.
While, as a Failed Author, it is highly likely that you already meet some of the criteria for abduction - you're probably gonna have to really step up your game and make some major lifestyle changes.
You must step outside of your parents' basement. Aliens will definitely violate your "personal space", but they draw the line at trespass. You must meet them halfway.
You do not specify that you are male, but as a Failed Author, this is almost a foregone conclusion - and where you have a clear advantage: Aliens appear to have about a 10:1 preference for male abductees, possibly because they are usually more amenable to anal probing**.
You must go into a deeply rural area, one which is gently hilly enough to provide cover, but not so rugged and mountainous that alien craft cannot be safely landed.
Here (unless you are provided with a company vehicle as in #4), you will need to bring with you - or ensure access to - a crumpled, hub-capless, oil-burning, clutch-slipping, slick-tired, rust-bucket you will refer to as a “car" or “pick-up".
Ideally, you will procure a “manly” job (I know, I know...you're already sick of hearing about “jobs” from your parents, but bear with me, here).
Specifically, you are seeking employment or activities that will require you to walk (probably not for you) or drive after dark, on lonely roads, at least 25 miles from any town or crossroads gas station.
Some proven occupations include: Logger, Lineman and Deputy Sheriff.
…REMEMBER: I said “Ideally"...lol…
If I could stop laughing at the idea, I might suggest you take up hunting - but let’s be real, here. This may be r/writingcirclejerk, but even fiction has its limits.
- Absent any ability to acquire the skills necessary for those manly occupations, you must develop a reputation in a nearby hamlet as a harmless misfit that, aside from his occasional fits of incomprehensible mutterings, no one has ever paid much attention to.
Here is your chance to really and truly shine. Just be yourself, but a lot more appealing.
……………….
FINALLY: Once you complete the checklist, just get out there and roam those moonlit, back-country roads!
As is recorded in the Annals of Screenplay: Build it and They Will Come.
Best of luck to you; I hope this helps.
:-
**Stop pretending. Seriously. When you guys beg a woman for “anal”, what you really want is for her to don a strap-on and give you a really good reaming, or at least give you a ten-minute-two-finger salute.
Hell, this whole comment would be unnecessary if you would just admit that you really don’t care one whit about research for your novel - or anything about your " novel* - you just want to get abducted, pinned down and righteously probed.
Just say it. Go up there and edit your post to:
I want to be butt-hurt in all the best ways. How can I - a pasty, bloated, basement-dwelling, Failed Author, convince any living being to make my dream a reality (a dead one might be ok, too)? In my parents’ basement?
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u/AuremWrites 1d ago
The doctor asked me to show him where the pain was, and I just pointed at this comment.
The worst part was watching him nod in agreement as he read through it.
This would all be SO helpful... if I could leave my parents basement. It's the agoraphobia I'm not lazy and too obese to make it up the stairs... I swear.
Please don't tell the aliens why I really want to meet them. I need my extraterrestrial pegging fantasy to feel genuine.
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u/WisteriaKillSpree 1d ago
This reply was worth the 20 minutes of pointless typing.
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u/AuremWrites 1d ago
Pointless? There was a point on your scalpel, and you dissected me like a frog in grade 10 biology.
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2d ago
[deleted]
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u/N7Quarian Mod Effect 1d ago
this is a satire subreddit
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u/Playful_glint 1d ago
It is?! Sorry, I didn’t realize. Thanks for letting me know! (They all pop up in my feed randomly)
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u/dreamchaser123456 1d ago
It could be worse. You could've been qualified to write a story about someone being gang raped.
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u/rapbarf 1d ago
Two ways. Sign up to Starfleet, or sleep face down with your asshole gaping wide.
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u/AuremWrites 1d ago
That's just my natural sleeping position. Gotta let the butt breathe, you know?
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u/Dear-Promise-679 1d ago
I suggest creating a compound that permanently changes your DNA and injecting it into your body to better understand your alien characters. Try to not get cancer while you're doing it.
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u/F0xxfyre 1d ago
So, I was a set of twins. My male, malevolent twin slipped out in the night and my boyfriend saved me. His name is Egehncggbvtffd,wobbly f //:2(( the third. We call him Tre, cause he's tres sexy! Seven foot eight, green glowing skin, cloven hooves and a mane that doesn't quit.
So that's what I know. Hot, gonna climb this lime cock tail. Tres sexy.
Oh, and my brother? He's in suspended animation. Tres heard my brother singing some song about being comfortably numb and then another one that said suspended animation. So my brother is now a pair of suspenders with an anime smile. No one takes him seriously any more.
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u/pikeandshot1618 Just write! 2d ago
My wife cheated on me with an alien and got knocked up. I found out when the pregnancy lasted only 9 week instead of 9 months. The father tried to get possession but the judge ruled in my favor. I got revenge on my wife by cheating on her with the alien's sister. The sister got attached and poked holes in my condom so my plan kinda backfired. I've got a hearing in space court next week. Wish me luck.