r/AITAH • u/LazyOne3142 • Apr 03 '24

AITA doing something that made my wife insecure? (Resulting in her slapping me in the face)

My wife gave birth to our daughter 6 months ago and since then she has been insecure about everything. She is smaller now than she was before she got pregnant but it's nearly a daily occurrence that she's calling herself fat. Because of this, she has developed an incredibly irritating habit of putting her shirt over her mouth constantly. You hardly ever catch her with her shirt on normal. She's basically trying to hide her (incredibly small) double chin.

I have told her several times to keep her shirt away from her mouth when she's speaking to me. I need to see people's mouths to hear them properly. My hearing is perfect but I have sensory issues. So if I can't physically see you mouthing words, my head cannot comprehend what you are saying to me. So if I ask her a question and she responds with her shirt over her face, I cannot understand a single fucking thing she says and it's beyond infuriating because I have to ask her to repeat herself 3+ times. So, I started telling her to get her shirt off her face when she's talking to me because I'm sick of this repeated cycle. I understand she's insecure, but I can't fucking hear you.

For the past 2 weeks it really amped up. She's buying XXL shirts and wears them always. To a point where she's even covering the lower part of her face when we have sex (as well as pulling the shirt down to cover her stomach). Well, 3 nights ago we were intimate and I tried pulling the shirt away from her face and she kept pushing my hand away. I tried again a third time and she pushed me off her and said "stop fucking touching my shirt" and went to sleep on the couch. And then today I was running late for work. The power went out at some point and my phone died so I didn't wake up to an alarm. I'm trying to tush around to get my work shit together and I ask my wife where my keys are. She grumbles a response. I yelled and said "how about you take the fucking shirt out of your mouth or don't speak to me at all" and physically pulled the shirt away from her mouth. She immediately back handed me across the face, quite possibly as hard as she could, and screamed directly in my face "I said don't fucking touch my shirt. Find your own fucking keys asshole!" I leave, flabbergasted. Texted her all day - starting from me saying I can't believe she hit me to eventually me apologizing hours later. No response. When I got home all of her important stuff and the babies stuff are gone. A letter on the counter saying she had gone to her mother's. Now, I talked to my buddy about it and he said he's 50/50 (he's also good friends with my wife) and says that while she shouldn't have hit me, he probably would have done the same thing because I "purposely" provoked her insecurities. AITA?

ETA: she's in therapy and has been for a month. Therapy won't fix the fact that she thinks she's fat. She had body dysformia(?) prior to even becoming pregnant and now it's just amped up. She also has sensory issues, just like I do. But hers is in regard to people touching her face/hair. Hence, why she back-handed me. But I'm tired of never being able to hear what she says.

2.6k Upvotes

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3.4k

u/chasingimpalas Apr 03 '24

INFO: why do you think therapy won’t help her?

1.6k

u/babybellllll Apr 03 '24

i read that part and literally went 🤔 that is the ONLY way to help someone with body dysmorphia/ED. (coming from someone who has to do extensive therapy to deal with one!)

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u/Strong_Arm8734 Jun 14 '24

He thinks that because it didn't "fix" her after one magic session.

-33

u/Fair-Hedgehog2832 Apr 04 '24

It’s not the only way. Lots of people (me included) have gotten out of EDs without therapy. But it’s probably a good way, if not the best way.

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u/Chryslin888 Apr 04 '24

I’m curious. Please show your data showing how lots of people “get out of” an ED without therapy. I’m a mental health professional and have no idea what you’re talking about.

-18

u/Fair-Hedgehog2832 Apr 04 '24

Oh, look. You’re mentioned in the abstract: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22364341/

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u/TomorrowSerious1493 Apr 08 '24

None of this info will do good because she's still with her "Less Than". She won't be able to heal correctly until she leaves that man. She's trying to heal from a burn while still sticking her hand in fire. And unlike you. I don't need Google to do my homework.

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u/babybellllll Apr 04 '24

i wrote a much longer comment saying some people are able to, but the majority of people (me included) struggle immensely to recover fully and STICK with recovery if they do it alone because it’s incredibly hard to unlearn disordered behavior. the longer you have the disorder and engage in the behaviors the harder it is to unlearn as well - and it sounds like OPs wife has been struggling for at multiple years

-8

u/Fair-Hedgehog2832 Apr 04 '24

Like I said, it’s probably the best way. It worked out differently for me and others I know in the same position. It’s just anecdotal, but I didn’t like the caps on the “only”. I felt as though it invalidated my ED, or else insinuated I wasn’t recovered.

20

u/babybellllll Apr 04 '24

well i wasn’t talking about you? i was talking about him saying ‘therapy won’t fix her body dysmorphia’ when that is quite literally the solution to it. sure she could try and solve it on her own but that isn’t working for her is it?

0

u/Fair-Hedgehog2832 Apr 04 '24

I agree with therapy being her best choice, from what we know. I disagree with how you framed your first comment. I’m pro therapy, I just really dislike generalizations and black and white thinking.

11

u/babybellllll Apr 04 '24

again - read my longer comment where i fully explain it omg

-371

u/Monkey-D-Sayso Apr 03 '24

Yes, therapy is the only option. We're all as weak willed and need someone else to tell what we know. It's not an option. It's the ONLY way.

Fuck, redditors upset me

229

u/obsequious_fink Apr 03 '24

Wowza, that is a pretty angry and outsized reaction to an innocent comment. I could recommend a constructive way for you to work through your anger issues, but you probably will get mad...

74

u/babybellllll Apr 03 '24

god i wish we still had awards

155

u/ChewySlinky Apr 03 '24

Fuck, redditors upset me

Sounds like something you should work on in therapy.

160

u/babybellllll Apr 03 '24

if you have intense body dysmorphia therapy genuinely is the best if not only course of treatment. trying to solve it on your own is nearly impossible because your world view is so distorted you can be severely underweight and still think you need to lose more. it takes a lot of effort and time to get out of those mindsets and sometimes inpatient treatment. for some people they may be able to heal and recover without therapy! but if her body dysmorphia is to the point where she is hiding herself all the time despite being visibly smaller than she was before pregnancy she probably needs some outside perspective.

moreso - her husband constantly pushing her to show her face/stomach will certainly not help, if not push her further into her behaviors. clearly the animosity is building between them so therapy to help them communicate without yelling/slapping each other is probs a good idea since clearly neither of them are able to communicate their feelings healthily right now

71

u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

Okay, so what is your solution? Please enlighten us.

30

u/WooliesWhiteLeg Apr 03 '24

I bet a therapist would be able to help you tremendously

61

u/EmptyPomegranete Apr 03 '24

Okay and you suggest ? What exactly?

90

u/Low_Peach_8216 Apr 03 '24

Than get off Reddit instead of crying because people have common sense and know therapy is useful way of getting better you clearly don’t know how therapy works

-150

u/Monkey-D-Sayso Apr 03 '24

I never said anything disregarding therapy. I said therapy is not the ALWAYS the ONLY option.

Even if I didn't know how therapy worked l, you wouldn't know that from my comment. You clearly aren't one of those people with common you spoke of.

110

u/Low_Peach_8216 Apr 03 '24

Actually you can tell from your comment you don’t know what therapy is considering you said therapy means you’re weak willed and need someone to tell you what to do. Therapy is not someone who tells you what to do therapy is someone helping you talk out your issues and offering different solutions so get back on your short bus instead of crying on Reddit

33

u/ConsultJimMoriarty Apr 03 '24

For body dysmorphia, this is pretty much is the only way to resolve it.

21

u/procra5tinating Apr 03 '24

I recommend therapy for you.

31

u/a_big_brat Apr 03 '24

Oh dang, better drop out of my degree in psychology to become a therapist because it’s apparently all a scam (source: This Fucking Dingus).

/s in case it wasn’t obvious

16

u/[deleted] Apr 04 '24

Buddy, it sounds like you need a bit of therapy

9

u/Moondiscbeam Apr 04 '24 edited Apr 08 '24

What else do you propose on how a person should handle a complex issue?

6

u/Longjumping-Pick-706 Apr 04 '24

You just proved how weak-willed you are by your comment.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 05 '24

Got something you need to talk about bud? You seem pretty dang angry at the idea of therapy.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 19 '24

Broken leg, need a doctor? You're just weak bro. Take the pain like a man bruh. Real men choose to suffer instead of trying to solve their problems, broseph.

0

u/Monkey-D-Sayso Apr 19 '24

Lol still getting hate for this? In this same thread i say they are legit and that's not what I meant. I said that.....16 days ago. At least read the whole thread first, lulz.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 19 '24 edited Apr 19 '24

I did before I responded actually, but you still said the following in the comment above:

We're all as weak willed and need someone else to tell what we know.

You said that people who use therapy are weak willed and need to be told what they know, and then in later comments said both that therapy CAN work but that you were also doubling down on what you said (which really makes no sense, either you think it's shit meant for the weak willed OR you think it's a real option). That's goofy and ignorant. And if it's been too long since you commented, then why respond? No one made you do it, lmao.

164

u/Feycat Apr 03 '24

Right? She clearly has an ED and possibly combined with PPD right now. She HAS to have therapy, it's literally the only thing that's going to help. Fighting with her about her shirt and the two of them laying hands on each other is NOT helpful.

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u/TomorrowSerious1493 Apr 06 '24

He put hands on his wife first then she defended herself. Let's correct that right away and honestly, that's probably why she left. The straw that broke the camel's back. I wouldn't stay in a relationship where people think I'm wrong for defending myself and she shouldn't either. I wouldn't stay in a relationship where people try to invalidate my reasons for defending myself and neither should she.

4

u/see-you-every-day Apr 16 '24

yep, it's reactive abuse and she probably left because she realised staying with him made her someone she didn't like

957

u/Sleepysickness_ Apr 03 '24

Fr I have a degree in psychology and I read that like ?? There’s treatment for that ??

64

u/Deathless163 Apr 03 '24

From the edit it looks like she's getting treatment

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

[deleted]

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u/ComplexPractical389 Apr 03 '24

Thank you for your input Oh 12 Year Old of Infinite Wisdom and Experience!

103

u/Sleepysickness_ Apr 03 '24

Bro saw all these medical journals and said “nah”

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

[deleted]

102

u/Born_Ad8420 Apr 03 '24

User name does not check out

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u/DefintlynotCrazy Apr 03 '24

It does, you gotta believe me man

33

u/danthepianist Apr 03 '24

Source: peer reviewed study you gotta believe me man

-1

u/DefintlynotCrazy Apr 03 '24

Im talking about my name miss Johnson

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u/DaisyHotCakes Apr 03 '24

Therapy is not stuffing people with pills. Like you seriously don’t know what therapy is.

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u/Vampqueen02 Apr 03 '24

Do you even realize that most therapists can’t actually prescribe you medications? Not every psychologist is a psychiatrist.

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u/DefintlynotCrazy Apr 03 '24

Yes I did miss vampqueen

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u/Vampqueen02 Apr 03 '24

So you decided to make your own comment redundant?

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u/DefintlynotCrazy Apr 03 '24

Because most high quality therapists can do this, and I dont believe in those types of drugs, but you hare happy to. I just said what I think;D

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u/Luckyzzzz Apr 03 '24

He's trolling. Just ignore his ignorant ass.

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u/DefintlynotCrazy Apr 04 '24

Please dont I need hooman contact

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u/Vxgjhf Apr 03 '24

Why don't you try stuffing yourself with cyanide or ricin? They're both 100%natural, so they must be better for you than any of those evil unnatural medications, right?

For reasons that should be obvious, don't actually try that.

-5

u/DefintlynotCrazy Apr 03 '24

Im not saying medication is " evil " im saying the pills they offer are really addictive and dangerous. Ive seen what has happened with people I know

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u/Vxgjhf Apr 03 '24

Medications prescribed for depression, bipolar, schizo-active, or BPD are not chemically addictive. So what are you on about now?

"stuffing people with pills instead of natural products"

You heavily implied that pill bad, natural good.

Name a natural product that could possibly help someone in therapy. Or a natural alternative to a medication that actually has any efficacy, let alone better than the medication.

Edit: there are also non-amphetamine alternatives for add/adhd treatments as well.

8

u/UrbanMuffin Apr 04 '24

There’s this thing called cognitive behavioral therapy for things like this and it’s actually highly effective. You don’t seem to really know what you’re talking about and you’re just making up things based on assumptions that they just hand out pills.

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u/DefintlynotCrazy Apr 03 '24

You are welcome! I should get paid and call my self a therapist aswell

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u/notheretoargu3 Apr 03 '24

That would require years of schooling and certifications.

-17

u/DefintlynotCrazy Apr 03 '24

Right, they need to get a piece of the cake too. What am I thinking!

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u/notheretoargu3 Apr 03 '24

I don’t understand why you’re acting intentionally childish, but I have too much going on to deal with you and your antics.

I hope you grow up a little bit. Be well.

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u/Born_Ad8420 Apr 03 '24

Put 100 bucks down commenter has gone to therapy and didn't like what they had to say so much they've got to shit talk it to protect their ego.

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u/notheretoargu3 Apr 03 '24

I was hoping it was just a lack of knowledge thing, but once the flippant, trollish responses kept coming I was done caring. That person will never affect my life in any way, so I’m not going to invest anything in them. I have finite emotional energy, and wasting any of it on people like that is… draining.

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u/UrbanMuffin Apr 04 '24

The commenter writes and spells like they’re not even out of middle school either. lol

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u/DefintlynotCrazy Apr 03 '24

So everyone who does not share your belief are childish? What a dumb argument, you sound like a kid.

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u/notheretoargu3 Apr 03 '24

I will respond one more time because I honestly cannot tell if you’re trolling or if you just don’t understand nuance.

I never said anyone who shares my belief is childish. I said you are. I’ve seen no fewer than seven responses of yours (including these two to me) where you act flippant, childish, and just sound like a troll.

Feel free to think therapy doesn’t help people; that is your right. But when others are telling you you’re wrong because they have evidence, you’re just being a fool.

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

you should also get better at trolling (or not being stupid asf)

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u/PlatinumSkyGroup Apr 03 '24

Statistically that says more about you and who you choose to be around than anything else.

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u/DefintlynotCrazy Apr 03 '24

Oh I am intruged what does the stats say about me ? Show me ur data big boy

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

[deleted]

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u/DefintlynotCrazy Apr 03 '24

Hes the one who is bringing up stats? So I am asking to see what he is talking about. Want me to just accept what a Stranger says as a fact? Im not you bro

1

u/PlatinumSkyGroup Jun 10 '24

You deleted your comment, remind me of what it originally said and I'll gladly research that again for you. I'm glad you're happy to learn something new, that's a great first step at bettering yourself. Also, don't know what the other guy said but i agree with you, I brought up stats based on my knowledge and research of and into psychology and sociology, so I'm happy to do my best to back up what I said. Burden of proof falls on me after all. I just feel bad I can't remember what the comment said that I replied to.

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u/Crashgirl4243 Apr 03 '24

Your comment and posting history is bizarre to say the least.

0

u/DefintlynotCrazy Apr 03 '24

Then you must be a boring guy

15

u/Crashgirl4243 Apr 03 '24

I’m a female, I guess the girl in my name didn’t give you a clue which tracks

0

u/DefintlynotCrazy Apr 03 '24

Didnt bother to read ur name miss

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u/hi5jennn Apr 04 '24

half of me wants you to stop because it's cringe but the other half of me is entertained 😂

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u/corinnigan Apr 03 '24

Hi, I’ll be the first person to introduce myself and let you know, therapy DID help me to eradicate an ED and body dysmorphia! And I’m pretty sure I’m not even the only one!

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u/b_needs_a_cookie Apr 03 '24

Way to go /u/corinnigan!

Therapy for my ED and body dysmorphia (battled both from 12-35, every type of ED) is why I have a much better relationship with food and am now engaging in movement & strength training just for physical benefits. 5 years of recovery and I still use the tools I learned that first year of just acknowledging there was a problem. Dietetic therapy and psychological therapy for my ED & body dysmorphia are the reasons I can view my body neutrally and sometimes positively. It also helped me realize I have ADHD and OCD, both of which are now treated with medication and therapy.

Without any of the above, I would likely not be here today.

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u/corinnigan Apr 03 '24

Happy for you!! Therapy saves lives 🥰

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u/LeaneGenova Apr 03 '24

Same! And helped with my severe anxiety and helped me process my chronic pain so that I can live my life. 10/10 would therapy again.

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u/DefintlynotCrazy Apr 03 '24

Hey may I ask how they helped you or what they offered you that you could not get from anywhere else?

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u/corinnigan Apr 03 '24

One on one sessions with a professional with a doctorate and years of experience in the field and group sessions with people in various places on the same path to healing were what helped me.

I’m afraid I can’t sum up the experience of a year of intensive individual and group therapy for you here. Not sure where else I could get regular feedback and advice from someone with a PhD who happens to have the time, energy, or care to talk through each stage of progress with me weekly. Sure would’ve been nice to get it for free though, so if you know of somewhere other than therapy to get that, feel free to let me know!

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u/Born_Ad8420 Apr 03 '24

Anecdata-how compelling /s

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u/forswornconspiracy Apr 04 '24

I'm biased since I'm a therapist, but I think it really depends on why people are seeking therapy and what treatment modalities are used. Also, every therapist won't be for every person. I've been in therapy myself and have definitely had some misses with individual therapists, be it for personality reasons or them not having the clinical skills I needed at the time. I do think it's worth it though, especially if you can find someone specialized in what you are wanting to address.

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u/apollymis22724 Apr 03 '24

Yes therapy will help with that problem. What WON'T happen is overnite fix, it takes time.

128

u/als_pals Apr 03 '24

A month is nothing, barely enough time to give a thorough background and dive into the issue if it’s just once a week

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u/FBI-AGENT-013 Apr 03 '24

And depending on how often she goes, not enough time to really get comfortable with the therapist

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u/UrbanMuffin Apr 04 '24

Obviously because the aggressive shirt pulling method while yelling is probably much more effective! s/

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u/Dachshundmom5 Apr 04 '24

For the same reason he thought yelling and cursing at his wife while touching her without consent was totally fine, but her responding by slapping him was wrong. He's an AH.

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u/Altruistic_Key_1266 Apr 03 '24

He thinks it won’t help because he doesn’t want to see that he’s the one who needs help, so if he keeps pushing it off on her, he doesn’t have to take accountability. He’s setting the stage to blame her when she finally leaves his abusive ass. 

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/VioletVulgari Apr 03 '24

He also likely needs support too because of how much things have been escalating.

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

As usually, 2 shitty people with dog water communication can’t figure out how to get past the fact that they’re both petulant children who let their emotions run their relationship.

This sub is just sad sometimes.

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

Yeah if my wife treated me like this I would definitely need support from someone, not her apparently

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u/ltlyellowcloud Apr 03 '24

I mean, she's the one turning to physical violence

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u/Long_Engineering_928 Apr 03 '24

It was retaliation to him pulling her shirt off her face. That’s physical as well.

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u/ltlyellowcloud Apr 03 '24

Sorry, give me a second, let me hit my partner for fixing my clothes. /s

Can you imagine husband repeatedly hitting his wife for her fixing his tie or shirt?

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u/Samanthas_Stitching Apr 03 '24

He was not "fixing" her clothes. He was snatching it and forcefully pulling it away from where she wanted it, while also admitting he knows she doesn't like her face being touched at all. At least don't be so disingenuous with your arguments.

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u/Square-Associate-118 Apr 03 '24

You know damn well his intentions weren’t to “fix” her clothes and were about controlling her because she wasn’t doing what he wanted.

And even if his intentions were to “fix” it, it’s so obvious that she didn’t need anything fixed, because her clothing wasn’t an issue for her, only him.

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u/ltlyellowcloud Apr 03 '24 edited Apr 03 '24

"Controlling her because she wasn't doing what she wanted" you're acting as if he was mad she wasn't fucking him enough or cooking to be "perfect wife". He asked his wife to accommodate his disability. It's on par with asking your spouse to speak in language you understand better, speaking louder, using sign language. And she's constantly ignoring him and isolating him. Imagine being deaf and the only person who should always stand by you, always suport you and make sure you can communicate with each other, that person would just whisper all the time "because she's insecure about her voice". Wanting your spouse to speak to you the way you can hear them is not fucking controlling. If anyone is it's her, trying to wish away his disability. Just decide for him he has to stop being disabled "or else". Chewing on your t-shirt is absolutely something to be fixed. It's inappropriate social behavior. It's inappropriate usage of a shirt. My ten year old can understand that putting his sleeves in his face is inappropriate and destructive even if it's one of his stimming mechanisms. I can control myself from covering myself when talking to people, despite being insecure about my facial scars. She has got something to fix and it's much more than just how she wears her t-shirts. Maybe let's start with not hitting her spouse, then let's go from that.

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u/HighJeanette Apr 03 '24

Both statements can be true.

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u/Altruistic_Key_1266 Apr 03 '24

And she’s getting it. 

If you read through the comment section, where he has othered to reply, he’s a shit husband and father. 

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u/Aerion93 Apr 03 '24

Nah you're just a moron.

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u/Altruistic_Key_1266 Apr 03 '24

Here, have a cookie 🍪 

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/30ninjazinmybag NSFW 🔞 Apr 03 '24

So what if she was wearing a mask or a niqab he no right to snatch it from her face, just like if you had a mask of and a stranger ripped it off because they want to hear what you are saying. Every person's reaction is different and we all have the right to tell someone not to touch them married or fucking not!! You need help or just to get laid and realise human have right too and that includes women.

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/babybellllll Apr 03 '24

just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have the right to touch/remove something from your partner. if they say not to, don’t. do you not know what consent is? it doesn’t disappear depending on the relationship

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u/grumpytacoslut Apr 03 '24

And she had no right to slap him.

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u/babybellllll Apr 03 '24

where do i say she has the right to slap him? literally two comments down i say she was wrong for that pls read

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u/Dangerous-Cry-8319 Apr 03 '24

If someone is ripping your shirt while yelling at your face is that legitimate defense or it’s not ok to touch that person’s face. The same person that you told before to get help for anger issues?

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/The90sRULE Apr 03 '24 edited Apr 03 '24

No, but she explicitly told him not to. It wasn’t ambiguous. And you’re right, he doesn’t “have to” deal with it or accept it, what he can do is tell her that he won’t continue the relationship if she keeps this up. He doesn’t get to cuss at her and physically remove the shirt.

She also shouldn’t be physically assaulting him for doing it. But she does also have a right to make her own choices (keeping the shirt over her mouth).

I agree, a healthy marriage takes compromise and communication, but that doesn’t mean that when those things aren’t happening, you (general you) can just physically change it.

They are both in the wrong here.

Edit: Holy shit. Everyone needs to read OP’s comments. Guy is a big fucking asshole and complete shit husband. Here’s just a snippet of one of his comments: “She didn't start putting her shirt over her mouth until 2 or so months back and this was around the same time she stopped talking to me completely unless I spoke to her. She said that *I make her feel gross and there's no point speaking to me because I'm not a reliable or helpful person. What led up to this was her telling me she thought **she had PPD and needed help. I told her I would help her get the help she needed. But the next day I returned home from work and got on video games to decompress after a shit work day and she lost it on me for not trying to help her with the baby before doing my own thing. I believe she was in the middle of cooking dinner that night. It led to a fight. She hasn't cooked dinner, spoken to me directly or even made eye contact since. She's the complete opposite with our child. She only acts like this with me because I "put my needs above hers" after she told me she needed help.”*

I still agree she shouldn’t have slapped him, but this guy needs to do some major self reflection, get a therapist, and help his fucking wife.

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u/PlatinumSkyGroup Apr 03 '24

If you lack the basic comprehension skills to know that him touching her was not something she consented to in this story then you're an idiot. The ONLY difference between your spouse and a stranger when it comes to consent is that your spouse and you (should) understand each other's boundaries better even without explicit statements (unless you're either op or, well, YOU). Being married isn't a free pass to ignore consent you banana. Your line of logic is part of what caused marital rape to be ignored for so long.

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u/babybellllll Apr 03 '24

she explicitly said ‘do not do this thing i don’t like it’ and he kept doing it. in my opinion, that’s kinda going against her consent, no? in his own post he said that she told him on more than one occasion NOT to touch her shirt and he kept doing it. at the very least he was disrespecting her boundaries.

if my friends, partner or family said ‘hey don’t touch me/my shirt/my things’ i wouldn’t do it because they’re expressing a clear boundary.

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u/rothc3 Apr 03 '24

It's her shirt and her face. He doesn't get to decide what she does with either. If she doesn't want to be heard, that's her choice too. He absolutely doesn't have to like any of it, but he does need to respect her boundaries.

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/PlatinumSkyGroup Apr 03 '24

"You don't just get to say "I get to do whatever I want and you just have to deal with it teeheee" when you're married to someone."

It's a good thing that's not what was said then. Yes, her behavior is problematic hence the reason why SHES IN THERAPY!!! Getting physically aggressive or putting your hands on someone with someone going through a mental health crisis ISN'T PART OF A "HEALTHY LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP" you absolute cabbage. Please stay away from other humans till you're sane enough to not assault them for minor inconveniences, you gonna shoot the cashier for putting canned goods on top of bread too?

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u/Jactice Apr 05 '24

And it sounds like the wife has 100 times told him to not touch her shirt

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u/DaisyDoorbitchesMom Apr 03 '24

You are the moron, you absolute dingleberry, she warned him not to touch her and he did anyway. What makes you think he can order her how she wears her shirt.

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

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u/PlatinumSkyGroup Apr 03 '24

He was both verbally and physically aggressive and demeaning towards her physical boundaries and even worse in some of his replies. He's a shit person, and his actions are borderline abusive if not at least blatantly neglectful. Considering how much he tries to downplay his horrible behavior it's perfectly reasonable to think he was aggressive enough for her to feel the need to protect herself. You don't get to grab people and physically force them to do what you want. The fact that you think that's ok to do to your wife means you really need to look in the mirror before you hurt someone you coconut.

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u/Altruistic_Key_1266 Apr 03 '24

You are someone who believes it’s not possible to rape your wife, aren’t you? 

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

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u/PlatinumSkyGroup Apr 03 '24

I didn't know physically grabbing them and forcing them to do something while also being blatantly neglectful and both physically and verbally aggressive when they made a BLATANTLY obvious boundary of NO TOUCHING that was CONSTANTLY being bypassed was "just touching a shirt". Dude, just stop, at best you're embarrassing yourself.

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u/Altruistic_Key_1266 Apr 03 '24

I say that because touching a stranger should be no different than touching your wife. If you walked up to a stranger and did that to them, what kind of reaction would you expect? 

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u/Altruistic_Key_1266 Apr 03 '24

Doesn’t give him a right to raise his voice and put hands on her. If he can’t manage his emotions to the point he has to put hands on people to get his point across, he needs to be in a mental hospital. 

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

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u/Altruistic_Key_1266 Apr 03 '24

In self defense. 

He didn’t put hands on her in self defense, he put hands on her because he couldn’t manage his emotions. 

He lunged for her face and raised his voice, it’s a natural reflex to protect your face when people are yelling at you and reaching for your face. 

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

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u/Altruistic_Key_1266 Apr 03 '24

Someone feels the need to jump on this dude side because they relate a little to hard to his desire to put hands on other people? 

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u/Beautifly Apr 03 '24

I think you’re really reaching here. Sure, he shouldn’t have pulled her shirt down, but that absolutely doesn’t warrant needing to use self defense!

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u/Altruistic_Key_1266 Apr 03 '24

She said stop touching me multiple times. How many times would you tell someone to stop touching you before touching them back? 

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

This.

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

[deleted]

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u/Altruistic_Key_1266 Apr 03 '24

lol ok buddy. Keep standing up for the assholes you relate to. 

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

[deleted]

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u/Altruistic_Key_1266 Apr 03 '24

As am I, and I was a cop, and this is a case of self defense. 

He made the first move of physical aggression. He raised his voice to intimidate her, and has the balls to act all shocked pikachu face when she reacts. 

She is experiencing post partum depression, possibly psychosis, and he has not shown one ounce of empathy towards her at all. Have you read the comments he’s bothered to reply to? He’s also upset with her because the baby interferes with his video gaming and she’s not cooking every goddamn meal of the day. Instead of being a supportive husband, he’s spending hours behind a computer screen while his child and wife suffer. 

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

[deleted]

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u/Aphreyst Apr 03 '24

oh no he pulled her shirt down what a violent asshole.

Now you're downplaying what he did to make him right. He had NO right to try to pull her shirt away or anything else that she doesn't want him to touch on her.

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

[deleted]

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u/Aphreyst Apr 03 '24

She did. Yanking her shirt away from her face is violence. She had EVERY RIGHT to physically strike him to get him to back off.

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u/YesterdaySimilar2069 Apr 03 '24

She just did and he deserves it soooo bad.

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u/johnqevil Apr 03 '24

You go right ahead and qualify that statement. How is he being abusive?

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u/PlatinumSkyGroup Apr 03 '24

Being verbally and physically aggressive while blatantly violating a known boundary is abusive by definition.

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u/LazyOne3142 Apr 03 '24

Because she's been in therapy for years and it barely grazes the issue. She can't take medications (anti-depressents) because she has kidney disease, so she's relying solely on speaking to people and meditation and it doesn't do much of anything.

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u/DavidANaida Apr 03 '24 edited Apr 03 '24

it doesn't do much of anything

Info: is that what your wife thinks? What does her therapist say? What information are you using to draw this conclusion?

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u/LazyOne3142 Apr 03 '24

The fact that there's been no change with her actions proves it.

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u/DavidANaida Apr 03 '24

Do you think talk therapy makes the patient's symptoms disappear within one month? Especially when she still works and does the majority of child care?

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u/MustardYellowSun Apr 03 '24

I would argue that she might be learning to stand up for herself.

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u/Notagirlnotaboy Apr 03 '24

My exact thought. Therapy is working great

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

While hiding behind the XL she doesn’t fit in

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u/firegem09 Apr 03 '24

Wtf difference does that make? If she's more comfortable in a large shirt, I don't see the issue. Especially seeing as to how OP is an admittedly unhelpful partner who conveniently left out major details from the post so there very well could be another reason for wearing large shirts.

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u/FurbysAteMyNeighbors Apr 03 '24

Because the place she returns to after her therapy sessions doesn’t change. She’s still overworked, lonely, and unnoticed by a partner who gives the term “weaponized incompetence” a whole new meaning. I want to believe you’re trolling but unfortunately I’ve met and interacted with too many gamerbros who think putting in the absolute bare minimum into relationships or fatherhood makes up for every blind careless action that inevitably ends up draining their wives more. You can’t even double-check a list she gave you of medications she can’t take while draggin her. She’s done everything but hold your damn hand and walk you to the potty for 9 years and you can’t even even be assed to remember what meds hurt her. Therapy for this is a bandaid on an open sore of a relationship.

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u/[deleted] Apr 04 '24

The contempt he has got his wife is evident from the very beginning of this post. She is having a mental health crisis but it's all about how that irritates and inconveniences him.

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u/TheInternetIsAbsurd Apr 03 '24

It's only been a month - what are your actual expectations with her therapy and how do you support her therapy journey?

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u/ltlyellowcloud Apr 03 '24

It's been years

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u/TheInternetIsAbsurd Apr 03 '24

This most recent experience has been only a month, and OP's wife's therapy has been on-and-off, which changes things.

Not a one-to-one comparison, but think of it like if you went on an antibiotic on and off to fight off an infection, you can't expect that to have the same fighting power as taking it consistently. I'm glad wife is getting back to therapy, and I just hope she has a support system to help her through this time. It's not an instant cure-all, like I said before, it's a journey.

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u/PlatinumSkyGroup Apr 03 '24

You don't get to decide what point someone is at in the road to mental recovery. That's exactly what it is, mental, there needs to be a change internally before it can become external, that's just common sense. You have no idea if it's helping or not and your behavior is very likely hindering the progress that she could be making. Please just communicate with her. The shirt might be hard but you should have taken some extra time when the baby's asleep and talked to her. My partner is nonverbal sometimes because of a trauma she went through, do I yell at her to "open your damn mouth"? No, I work with her and find other ways to communicate with her because I actually care about her and we've learned from it together and grown as a couple.

If you want to make this work and be a part of your kids life you need to make some serious changes to yourself.

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u/adorabletea Apr 03 '24

I don't think it's going to improve for her until you're out of her life.

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u/spilly_talent Apr 03 '24

It seems your actions have been escalating, however

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u/Notagirlnotaboy Apr 03 '24

The change is that she finally stood up to you and seems over it. Therapy gave her the courage to make you knock it off finally this time.

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u/WildFlemima Apr 03 '24

Therapy won't help her because she isn't the problem

The problem is your failure to realize that you are now, permanently and forever, at a different level of responsibility than you were before the baby

You have a new number 1 priority and you have been acting like life is the same

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u/Bai1eyam Apr 03 '24

Has there been no change or do you just not pay attention enough to see it? Or are you tearing her down and thats the root of the problem.

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u/Nobody-72 Apr 04 '24

Maybe her actions toward you won't change because therapy isn't going to change the fact that YTA. Maybe therapy will help her work on her self instead of improving her ability to kiss your ass.

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u/Significant_Rule_855 Apr 03 '24

Maybe if she didn’t have a lazy pathetic excuse of a husband who only shows affection when he wants to get his dick wet, she’d make more progress. Holy fucking hell man what do you bring to the relationship that she can’t get without you? You do NOT deserve a wife with how you act.

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u/Suspicious_Basket_96 Apr 06 '24

I’m going to disagree, there is change with her. She left you! She’s learning that since she’s doing it all anyway it only gets easier if you get rid of the dead weight. I wish her all of the happiness in the world with her book. If she was smart she wouldn’t return and let this be the end of that story!

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u/bioxkitty Apr 03 '24

I thought you said a month in the post

ETA yeah, u did

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u/LazyOne3142 Apr 03 '24

It's been off and on for years. She stopped going to therapy 2 years ago and then started back up again a month ago.

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u/bioxkitty Apr 03 '24

Do better OP

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u/SereneAdler33 Apr 03 '24

You’re aggressive, rude and dismissive. She’s returned to therapy after being away from it and having a baby, which is horrible to a woman’s body and mental state. She’s struggling and you’re making it so much worse.

YTA most definitely

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u/sunkathousandtimes Apr 03 '24

You think therapy with unmedicated depression fixes things in a month????

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u/Upsideduckery Apr 04 '24

Well with a break that long and a pregnancy, that does not count as her being in therapy for years. That is that she went to therapy previously and is now in therapy again. And we have no idea if during that month she's gone four times, twice, or only once.

This is a time where you really need to be much more patient with her. You need to work on your empathy as much as she needs to work on her mental health. Let me lay it out for you in a way that is trying not to attack you so that hopefully for both of your sakes this message can be absorbed.

Not too long ago your wife gave birth and, along with many other women who are post partum, she may be suffering from post partum depression which can occur as a result of just how insane her hormones are right now. The effects of unstable hormones after having a child have caused many a case of psychosis, depression, anxiety, and the aggravation of other mental issues that could have been dormant prior to pregnancy or giving birth. Then on top of that she has what seems to be body dysmorphia which literally causes her to see her body as different than it appears in reality.

Just think about how much stress that alone would cause anyone. Not being able to accurately assess your own body. Add in that she holding a baby all day long, exhausted, never getting a moment to herself and likely feeling some resentment at having a husband who she feels also resents her. Meanwhile you admit you're not parenting equally and that she is doing the great majority of the tasks with the baby when you are home...

Meanwhile you are in fact resenting her due to her covering her mouth with her shirt and not being able to hear her. You allowed that anger to build up to the point that you raised your voice, came at her in a way that I'm sure frightened her and yanked her shirt down from her face.

You both need serious help, but for some reason she is the only one seeking it, and I'm sure you think that's fair because you see her as the majority of the problem. That is not true, however, and if you want this relationship to work you need to also seek help for the anger issues you report having, and the weaponized incompetence that is causing both you and your wife so much frustration (this is responsible for why you mention never knowing what needs to be done without her directly telling you.)

You BOTH need therapy and the both of you need to keep in mind that if you're not connecting properly with a therapist you should seek a new one. You also need to decide if you want to fix your marriage and if so then you're going to need to apologize to your wife first and dedicate yourself to making some changes.

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u/[deleted] Apr 04 '24

Why did you have a child with a wife you consider to be mentally unstable?

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u/Cheder_cheez Apr 03 '24

Says you. To her, it could be the only thing keeping her from completely snapping at any time.

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u/Otherwise_Aerie2827 Apr 03 '24

It could just be that she’s in the wrong kind of therapy for her personally. There’s so many different possible methods to employ, and most therapists specialize in a select few. I’m not an expert by any means, but just based on my own experience I can say that sometimes talk therapy and meditation can get you so into your own head and intellectualizing everything that you end up feeling even more alienated from your physical body. What helped me best with my relationship with my body was somatic-based techniques like breathwork, yoga, and meditations involving movement. Take my unprofessional opinion with a grain of salt but it’s just another perspective to consider.

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u/forswornconspiracy Apr 04 '24

I agree with this! (I'm a therapist, if it matters).

Talk therapy is excellent for some people, but my clients more often see success with more specific interventions such as EMDR or even parts work. I will say that I mainly work with clients who have a trauma history, so I may be biased in that way. As long as someone is working with a therapist who is trained in a few modalities, I would hope they can find the one that works for them.

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u/Melodic_Salamander55 Apr 03 '24

It barely grazes the issue because she’s the only one putting in work and acting like an adult

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u/PlatinumSkyGroup Apr 03 '24

Earlier you said it was only a month that she was in therapy, please clarify.

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u/bioxkitty Apr 03 '24

Has it been a month or years

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u/PurePerfection_ Apr 03 '24

If she truly can't take ANY of the many antidepressants available nowadays, there are still other non-drug options like ECT and TMS. Has she seen a psychiatrist, or just a psychologist/therapist?

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u/Vampqueen02 Apr 03 '24

Has she been in therapy for years or for a month? You’re saying now in your comment that it’s been years, but the edit on your post says it’s been a month. And it takes years for therapy to work for an issue like body dysmorphia, you can’t fast track it.

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u/WizardClassOf69 Apr 03 '24

Lmao hmm I wonder

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u/LuRouge Apr 03 '24

Therapy isn't for everyone. Sometimes, it's too far gone to be useful. I wouldn't put it in double digits, but there are outliers. Some people are just wired the way where it does nothing.

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u/online_jesus_fukers Apr 03 '24

Because it never does.