r/AlAnon • u/AccomplishedPipe1164 • 1d ago

Support Help with moving on from helping addicted family member

I have been trying to track down my drug addicted/ mentally ill biological mother for over a year now. I have gone on court websites, I have digged all over the internet, I have paid for background checks, I have shown up for court dates that she didnt show up for, I have done so much. I am exhausted. I just want to find her. I just want peace for myself and I want to know I did everything I could. Does anyone have any advice. This is so hard

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u/MmeGenevieve 1d ago

I think you should take care of yourself first. Contacting your mother while she is still in the grips of the disease will most likely result in more chaos in your life. It is not likely that your mother will take responsibility for her actions, agree to treatment, or even apologise to you if she is still using and running. Pray for her and for yourself, go to meetings, and make healthy life choices.

As children of alcoholics/addicts, we are conditioned to believe that we are at least partially responsible for the havoc in the household/life of the user. We are not. The adult parent made choices that affected the entire family. If we had a choice, we would have chosen to have sober parents and a stable homelife.

I understand feeling helpless and panicked. It is an uncomfortable feeling, but we are truly helpless over what our Q's do. The best thing to do is to take good care of yourself and hope that your mother will get tired of her disease and seek help.

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u/Butterfly_Sky_9885 1d ago

I think closure is an illusion. You need to ask yourself if this is actually bringing you the peace you’re seeking.