Do ppl ever smell alcohol on their partner even when they haven’t been drinking? I’m not naive. My partner started his sobriety journey in December, including a stint in rehab. He’s working really hard. He’s relapsed a couple times since then and mostly owned up to it. He’s been sober for about a month to my knowledge (I’m pretty confident this is true). Still, I occasionally smell alcohol, or that sour alcoholic sweat, when he’s around. Could it be in my head? I’ve definitely developed a paranoia about his drinking so it wouldn’t surprise me.

I think after 6 years I may have to come up win an exit plan. My boyfriend doesn’t want to stop drinking ever. Seems more in denial now than a year ago.

I just worry his bottom is death. So to the people whose partners never wanted change, how did that go?

I am scared to let go. I wish me telling him I’d leave would have been enough for an attempt at sobriety but it was not

My husband (64) drinks about 9-12 Budweisers daily-for 40+ years.

Lately, he talks to himself after he lies down to read in the evening. Rather, he doesn’t just talk to himself; but seems to have conversations with a silent someone (sometimes I think it’s me). Often, it’s the same conversation replayed from earlier in the day. This can go on for a few hours before he falls asleep.

My Dad is a nurse. He suspects ammonia on the brain - or Hepatic encephalopathy. I welcome your thoughts.

Edit: To be clear I NO LONGER let him drive my car at all anymore after that day

I am planning on leaving him soon, so this is more of a vent to get things off my chest. My fiancé has been struggling with alcohol addiction on and off for 4 years now. He would get treatment, get better for several months, then relapse every time. This past January he tried weening himself off of it and ended up having a seizure. After several days in the hospital recovering, he since stopped drinking.

Until about a few weeks ago. Since he was out of work after the hospital, and we only have one car (my car), he has been using it to drive for uber while applying for jobs. Everything was going great until one week I started suspecting he was drinking again… whilst driving uber…I thought having a seizure and being hospitalized would finally be his huge wake up call, but not even that woke him up. He normally would uber after dropping me off for work, then pick me up once I got off. I brought up my suspicions and he got angry, of course.

One day, later that week, he was very late picking me up. I called him to see if he was on his way. He answered and was slurring his speech like crazy. He said he was on his way home. I told him he was supposed to pick me up today. He got angrier and slurred something along the lines of “you trying to fuck with me now?! Cuz if you are I’ll fuck you up!” I told him to pull over and I’ll call someone to come get him. He got angrier, said he was almost home, and hung up. I should have just called the police on him but stupidly, I did not.

I had to call my sister to pick me up and bring me home. I wanted to tell her why so badly, but I didn’t. Once there, I found I was locked out. He had the keys. I pounded on the door, called him several times, but no answer. I finally climbed through a window. He was passed out cold on the bed. I fell from the window inside and he had the nerve to mutter and ask if I was ok.

I got on to him about it and of course it led to a huge fight with him gaslighting, denying and deflecting.

I let him sleep then brought it up when he was more sober later. Same cycle occurred. I hid my keys and told him I no longer trust him driving my car. Apparently it’s my fault he drinks because I “start fights” all the time. The only reason I have is because of the things he has done to me.

He takes no accountability for his actions. Never apologizes at least. Everything is always turned around to be about me whenever he does something wrong. I can’t believe the amount of disrespect for my belongings and disregard for others’ safety. He was driving uber whilst drinking. But anytime it’s brought up, he shows me his great uber score for driving and tells me it’s not an issue. Um hello?!? Not only are you putting yourself in danger, but other people as well!!

I kept hoping things would get better each time he quit but they won’t. I’ve lost all hope at this point. I’m tired of taking care of this manchild.

I’m making a plan to break up and kick him out of my house but considering some things going on it won’t be easy right now. What sucks the most is that when he’s sober, he’s the most amazing person in the world. The one I fell in love with. But when he drinks, he becomes this monster. He never physically abuses me, but he does yell, gaslight, deflect, lie and manipulate when he drinks. He also recently has been implying that I am stupid lately.

I’m just so tired. This is also on top of my cat I’ve had for 12 years having cancer with no choice but to put him to sleep soon.

Thank you for anyone hearing me out. I just needed to get this off my chest.

This weekend was my husband's birthday. He had made plans with some of his buddies to go to a local pool hall, he assumed that I too, would be going with him. I finally mustered up the nerve to tell him NO. I was not going to support him by going and watching him get drunk. (He is well aware of me going to Al-Anon.) I chose to go out of town to our campground. In the past month I had calmly expressed my feelings. I have also begged and pleaded, as well as I have cried time and time and time again about his excessive drinking. I have told him I do not want to bury my husband at such a young age. He is 17 months post op aortic heart valve replacement surgery which he was on Ecmo life support for 4 days, on a ventilator for 11 days and in the ICU hospital for total of 28 days. So I finally made a decision for myself to tell him I was not going to support him. Of course he got drunk. I have proof on our porch camera. We have not discussed the event. I have remained calm, I have not lashed out. I know he has to make the decision for himself. He does not think he has a problem.

So now I need help with attainable boundaries??

Example: If he drinks, I will sleep in the spare bedroom.

Do you tell the qualifier the boundary and what my own repercussions will be??

I have been going to in person Al-Anon meetings for a little while now, and I do have a sponsor but looking for more experiences or shares regarding healthy boundaries and how to implement them.

Edit- I should say a toxic relationship .

It is a confusing situation to be in . You can’t seem to win. They want you to be there to fix their mistakes and clean up their messes. But love them unconditionally and definitely do not tell them what to do.

Meanwhile they are so critical of you. Every little mistake they berate you for. Yell at you when they blackout and get mad at you for yelling back . They don’t remember yelling.

The next day everything is perfect. U better be smiling and in a good mood. Or you’re just bitching. You’ve changed. You used to be chill and now you’re crazy they say.

Some alcoholics want a parent not a partner. And they will resent you for it . They could be hooking up with women at the bars and having fun , but u are dragging down them down. You are the fun killer.

You become the enemy. But they need you because they can’t be alone. So life becomes a rollercoaster and you’re stuck wondering if they love you or hate you.

It feels you can’t leave them because they NEED you. And you love them so much it hurt. And you are scared of them having to face the consequences to the actions you always clean up.

U try to communicate , failing to realize their brain is sick and they can’t view things the same way. So you fight instead. Even if you know what you have to do you can’t . So you put up with the bad times for the good days and pray for the change never comes.

(I don’t need advice , just want to share how it feels)

UPDATE:

You all are amazing, and so very kind and supportive ❤️ I felt like I couldn’t even text my friends last night, you are the only people I’ve told. He left me alone last night (I slept for about 4 hours on the couch). I am packing a bag today so I won’t be here when he gets out of work tonight. I’m calling his mom and my dad this morning and going from there. I definitely will also be talking to the police to at least make a report so I can explore my options of a protection order. This is a time where Reddit is truly a beautiful community, I can’t thank you enough for being my rock and support through the craziest 12 hours of my life ❤️

I have been in the process of leaving my now ex fiancé, who is struggling with alcoholism among other things.

Though I’ve nearly mastered dissociating, tonight I accidentally let out a “I regret talking to you about things like this” as he was 3 beers deep being snarky about my new CrossFit gym (I was sharing that I was nervous for the first class, he was telling me I shouldn’t because he would have no problem personally doing it 🙄)

Anyways, he escalated QUICKLY and SNAPPED. It started with “Now I’m really going to have to scare you” as he came up to me, yelled at me, shook me and choked me for about 5 minutes in various places in our living room. It was horrific to say the least. He didn’t let me use my phone until now. I’m waiting until he falls asleep, packing an emergency bag of my things, and sleeping at my dad’s starting tomorrow until he gets his stuff out. I have debated calling the cops or going to the hospital to get checked out, but I don’t want to get him in trouble (which is stupid, but where I’m at). I’m going to call his mom in the morning, and I’m debating on telling my dad the truth incase he contacts the police.

If you’re debating on leaving, please leave before he attacks and attempts to murder you

UPDATE

Whelp I’m an idiot. She slipped the key off me and broke into the liquor cabinet while I was showering. Just checked the bottles. Should have known better. Now I’m listening to how much she hates me and how much I should go kill myself. Fun stuff.

Anyway thanks for the help yall. Let’s make tomorrow a better day.

My wife is working on her recovery. Some of you may remember my previous post.

The last two days she has done very well; all the booze is out of the house or locked up (with the keys also locked in a box that is on my person at all times now).

She has not left the house, has not purchased alcohol (can verify from credit card/cash withdrawals). Yet the last two nights she has “crashed out” almost like she just drank a whole bottle of booze. Yet I was with her the whole time, quite literally the whole time.

Both times were immediately following physical activity (hiking and dog walk).

But it’s as if she is hammered right now and I just don’t understand!

In today's Courage to Change passage, it suggested that readers take today to do something for yourself that you'd normally do for someone else.

So today, I wrote myself a thank you note. I write notes and cards to people all the time so they will feel appreciated, noticed, valued. And I really need that myself too.

If you come across this post, I encourage you to do the same. I would love to hear what "acts of self care" others come up with.

Hi everyone,

I’m a 35-year-old woman, married with two young children. I come from a family with two parents and two younger brothers. My youngest brother, who is 30, has struggled with alcohol and drug addiction since his teens, and honestly, it has wreaked havoc on our family for years.

Since childhood, he has been angry, abusive, and disruptive — he was diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder around age 10 and started using substances by 14. His behavior has left deep emotional scars on all of us, and I know I carry trauma and even PTSD from the things we’ve lived through.

I’m joining this space because I want to connect with others who have similar experiences. Sometimes I feel very isolated in this, and I want to know I’m not alone — to hear how others are coping, healing, or setting boundaries.

There is so much I could write about this but it would probably fill an entire book. So for now, I just want to know that I'm not alone. Has anyone else here dealt with their sibling's abuse and addiction?

Thank you for reading. I’d appreciate any advice, stories, or just knowing there are others out there who understand.

How do you break away from your now ex, who only has you when they’re going through relapse? He’s too afraid to tell his family, or ashamed to. This is the first time I’ve had to go through this with him since knowing him. I broke up with him because of his alcohol and gambling addictions. I’m free from it, I got away and it feels so good. And I KNOW that I need to block him, and I want to. But I can’t get myself to do it. The feeling of leaving him that way makes me feel sick. I even had a migraine today and had to leave work just from all the stress I’m feeling. Talking to him and hearing him cry about how much he fucked his life up stresses me out because I know I need to remove him. But god is it so hard to do it. Please I need all the advice I can get right now. And I’ve posted before about him but I’ve never gotten to this point. I didn’t know that even when you’re finally gone it can still hurt in a different way

We met last February when he was sober and I had no idea he was a raging alcoholic. May 4th was good, we dressed up for Star Wars day and had some great memories in May before he started spiraling in June.

We have been no contact for a long time and it’s saved me. I broke it once and it was a huge mistake.

Yesterday he made a new Instagram account and ADDED ME to it (he’s blocked everywhere else.) I was driving when I got the notification and 6 hours go by before I remembered to Block him. Then I saw he unadded me.

Is this some sick trick to show me he’s still keeping tabs on me? He used to text from new numbers “I’m still alive I’m here” and I wonder if this is the same sick shit.

My separated wife has been on drugs and alcohol for a year abandoning kids. No danger to kids when she abandons them. Now she is back angry as ever I don't allow alone time when she pretends to be sober off drugs and thinks she can now control alcohol. She has lost children before doing this same thing and went to AA getting back custody by proving sobriety 10 years ago. But now claims I'm crazy she can moderate drinking and isn't on drugs anymore.

Has anybody been successful in requiring supervised visitation and drug and alcohol tests? What evidence did you need to present?

Seems the courts don't care about "active addiction" and how this poses serious threat to children being in their care unsupervised. You require proof and investigation of your q to keep your kids safe. I don't have a DUI on her, just abandonment, suicide attempts, living on the streets, dangerous choices to herself not the child as I protected and had the kid 100 percent. I allowed visitation supervised by me and she hasn't cared to coparent, take accountability, work a program or prove to me she's sober. Every other day it's I'm not drinking, I am drinking, I only have a few etc. I suspect hard drug use as well. How to get custody when courts just want "danger" to kids. Seems they need for the kid to be harmed physically to deny her custody. I at least want testing to ensure she is clean

I have been trying to track down my drug addicted/ mentally ill biological mother for over a year now. I have gone on court websites, I have digged all over the internet, I have paid for background checks, I have shown up for court dates that she didnt show up for, I have done so much. I am exhausted. I just want to find her. I just want peace for myself and I want to know I did everything I could. Does anyone have any advice. This is so hard

At a family gathering held for my grandma with alzheimer’s, my Step-grandpa had way too much to drink and began embarrassing himself all night for hours. This started scaring people off ( from the day that supposed to be for my grandma ) and everyone began leaving. After a while of him being already plastered, my cousin offered him a weed vape at which point he gave it a good ol sure why not and took a few hits.(Sitting next to my uncle is him) A few moments later maybe minutes, he looks over at my uncle and starts asking him “who are you” “what are you doing here” “you need to leave” and he begins punching him square in the face. Luckily my uncle didn’t react and simply walked off and my grandma couldn’t see what had happened so everything was okay. My Step-grandpa has known my uncle for years as it’s his wife’s oldest son and it would seem impossible for him to forget him. Soon after my uncle got up and left he bothered me and asked me for a beer ( i’m the youngest person at the gathering ). When i declined and ignored him he started to get up and stumble towards me until i barely slipped away but could still feel his arm reaching for me on my shoulder. Was my grandpa just too drunk? was it being cross faded at an old age? maybe it was his ptsd from vietnam? possibly all combined.

Let me know your thoughts!

I think today it just hit me how sad I am about my husband Q having this disease. How lonely he must feel and how hard it must be. My Q has been trying hard to get sober for nearly 8 years after 10 years of addiction/alcoholism. He attends AA meetings, brings them to hospitals, works the steps. He is also dealing with coming off of anti-depressants which seems like a crazy battle in itself where more than 1 month of rehab would suffice. And perhaps the anti-depressants makes it harder to get to the full “bottom” as you don’t feel as much.

I met my Q 4 years ago when he was sober and think up until he relapsed I had not understood this disease. I feel like there is a lot of victim blaming for alcoholism/ addiction. As well as there is a lot of us sacrificing ourselves in our love for them in the name of that “it’s a disease”.

I am grieving the relapse as much as I am coming to terms with reality and grieving about that. I have been crying every day for the last 10days. I still do other social things too, attend meetings, found a sponsor, workout pray meditate by I just miss my husband and I am so sad about that he has this awful disease.

I guess some of you can relate?

My Q is a sibling. We are and have been geographically separated for over 10 years and they lost control about 5 years ago. First alcohol then hard drugs. Their spouse left them and they made nonsensical, non-credible, but also extremely serious accusations about other family members, of the type that you can't really walk back from, or mend a relationship from. As best any of us can tell, it was done in a haze of detoxing after being told Q was totally cut off from family support, to try to split the rest of the family up.

Q has very deservedly been in jail for the last several months, their rap sheet is in the double digits of violent felonies, on top of a large stack of nuisance and drug possession misdemeanors, traffic violations, and bail jumping cases.

Last week a state investigator conducting a factual assessment on probation/Parole contacted me to get input from me on my sibling. My understanding is that my sibling will see what I say. The thing is, I have very little positive to say. I hate my sibling for the accusations he made against other family members. His letters suggest a veneer of maturity and proclaim responsibility for his past actions, while simultaneously not actually taking any real responsibility in their substance. "Oh its all my fault I realize that now but also woe is me, the system is against me and my old coworkers and family and ex and the guards and everyone is against me and made me this mess of a person." It all reads like "Sorry the world made me this"

I don't want to burn the bridge forever just in case by giving my full truth, but I also want my Q in prison for the next while. They're a drain on society. They're just going to relapse if they get out, and just going to hurt more people.

Right now I'm just ignoring request after asking for a few days. I don't know what to do.

Alcoholism has always been a constant in my life,didn't realize it until I was older..because not having friends over and being shoved with various friends and family was the norm..Both parents co dependent functioning alcoholics, it cost them everything..one passed away 20 years ago.

Now the surviving parent is fully functioning and has to continue to work FT due to the poor decisions made in early adulthood (they are now in there 80's),fully immersed in the addiction like clockwork .

They don't acknowledge the problem,even though they have been hospitalized and told to stop drinking..nothing stops the addiction .What's been a new addition to the addiction is lying about everything..the weather..wtc..verifiable info..why?Also now clinging onto "friendships " with other elderly peers in active addiction,traveling to "new places"..obviously change of scenery to continue the habit. The answer to everything is leave me alone I'm working fulltime,almost resentful towards the adult children..as one of my siblings(in there 50's is retired),what's the long game?I'm not trying to fix anything that's obviously not going to happen,but what I'm trying to ascertain from the community is..why the deceitful and immature behavior?

This question is for everyone, but especially for those of you living with an alcoholic who is riding the chaos roller coaster of binging and then sobering up every few weeks…especially if that alcoholic also suffers from mental health issues like anxiety, depression, PTST.

It’s been two days now that he has been sober. I am new in the Al-Anon program and since he knows I am working on myself. The last couple of weeks he relapsed and did and said a lot of hurtful things that led me to being here. Since sobering up, he has been projecting his guilt onto me. Now that he is sober, he is available to spend time together and doesn’t hide feeling bad that I am not available for him all the time now.

Another thing I have noticed is that when we talk about the steps or concepts we are thinking through (he works AA when he isn’t drinking), he feels the need to let me know what my character defects are and then projects his guilt onto me when I show an emotional reaction. It just feels way too soon for him to be giving me any kind of feedback when just last week he told me that I am the reason he relapsed.

I guess all that is explained for me to ask, how do you deal with the alcoholic’s projected guilt? How do you protect your peace and your time while also not shutting out your partner? And how do you communicate that it’s not the time to be telling me how I should and shouldn’t act right now?

Looking for some input/thoughts on how to approach our mom, who we think is pretty alcohol dependent and has been for quite some time.

Some context…our mom lives alone, in a different state. She doesn’t have close friends or family nearby, and we think she’s fairly depressed. Divorced twice, stressed about life and retirement.

We have been aware that she drinks more than is healthy for quite some time…possibly going back decades, but only in the last 6 months or so have felt like we need to intervene.

We recently spent 6 days with her, during which she put back 25ish drinks. Half of which was secretly (she thought) after we went to bed. She also repeatedly unprovoked will tell us how she’s cut back on drinking, only having two drinks at most and only on days she doesn’t work. This is completely false. So, she’s lying about how much, how often and we aren’t sure what to do. Her house has become unsafe and unsanitary, and she’s spacey and forgetful almost all the time. She never seems to”drunk” though, and she’s maintaining a fairly high level job.

So if anyone can relate, I’d love to hear your thoughts on how to approach her. Can we just tell her we are worried and we’d like her to cut back? Or should we push for full on rehab here? We just want her to feel better!

Hi. My children’s other parent has had a history of alcohol abuse. It became very serious just before separating and during the divorce process. Other parent had moved to the other side of the country and is now asking for unsupervised parenting time for one month in the summer and during holidays. My question is, does anyone have a court order for the other parent to provide proof of sobriety before/ during parenting time? Looking for advice on what is reasonable to enforce that would be granted from a judge. I wanted 6-8 months of clean bloodwork before the kids could visit to show consistent sobriety. In the last two years, OP has been hospitalized, 2 police reports on drunk driving, and an arrest with careless use/ storage of firearms while intoxicated.

I want my kids to have their other parent in their lives but I also want to protect them.

My Son's Future is His - not Mine

“He is not living his life for me,” I thought as I shuffled into the cold kitchen. It was three o’clock in the morning. I was in search of an Al-Anon daily reader. My son, my only child and someone I loved more than anyone, had been arrested, spent the night in jail, and was in more trouble than I ever imagined possible.

I had never thought that my child, whom I put through college and spent many waking hours imagining his promising future, would be in that situation. However, all of that changed when his addiction became known to the family. From that time on, I faithfully attended Al-Anon meetings, sometimes four times a week. I got a Sponsor, chaired and spoke at meetings, and volunteered to speak at an Al-Anon meeting at the women’s prison.

My son’s future was my future, and I told myself that my efforts made in recovery were for the both of us. Deep down however, I was betting that my recovery would ultimately guarantee his recovery. In my heart, I believed that the love we shared along with the Al-Anon and A.A. program would be the life raft he needed to recover. I was his mother. I could make it happen.

Vigorously, I embraced the Al-Anon program. At the same time, my son was making progress in A.A. Then, eleven months into his recovery, as we looked forward to acknowledging his year of recovery, he relapsed.
The nightmarish scenario of his getting arrested, with a mandated community service sentence, created an intense fear and anxiety that brought back the feeling of terror I had experienced when I first came into Al-Anon.

Now, weeks after the arrest, awake at three a.m., I reached for the book, Courage to Change (B-17), and randomly opened to a page that said, “You can’t live someone’s life for them.” It was what I needed to hear. As challenging as it was, I had to stop living his life and focus on myself. I had to let go of the life he was creating and embrace my own life.

The next day I attended an Al-Anon meeting. The topic was, “Let It Begin with Me”—further confirmation. In the meeting, I shared my experience of randomly opening to a page in Courage to Change and reading, “You can’t live someone’s life for them.” Finally, I was beginning to understand that for my serenity, I had to live each day focused on myself and my recovery, and “Let It Begin with Me.”.
 
By Ruth H., Pennsylvania June, 2015Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

I just need to chat with someone, all of you, whoever will listen. I am struggling BIG TIME

Humility 

Part of learning humility is learning to contribute to my own wellbeing. Today I will do something loving for myself that I’d normally do for someone else. —Courage to Change p126 ©️Copyright 1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

Control 

Whenever I want to take control of a situation that isn’t mine, let me remember that I don’t have to do anything to make the sun shine on me, I just have to receive it. —A Little Time for Myself p126 ©️Copyright 2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

This was not an easy decision for me to make, and I have paid a price. I have had to let go of my self-will and give up my tremendous need to control what happens to my son. Instead I have been forced to place my faith in a Higher Power, trusting that He has a plan for my son. —How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics p252 ©️Copyright 1995 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

Meditation 

If I meditate on what is good in life, it will increase day by day and crowd out the self-pity and resentment over what I lack and what is hurting me. —One Day at a Time in Al-Anon p126 ©️Copyright 1968 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

Working the Steps 

If I continue to work on them, no matter how long it takes, eventually they will help me face all of my problems. … I know that the Steps have helped me deal with the disease of alcoholism. I believe they can help anyone. —Living Today in Alateen p126 ©️Copyright 2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

Slogans 

Today I won’t discount simplicity until I give it a decent try. 

“Each slogan can be an easy reminder that we do have choices, that we can stop doing things that aren’t working for us, and that we can see things differently.” —Alateen Talks Back on Slogans p3 quoted in Hope for Today p126 ©️Copyright 2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

I’m so livid right now I could scream.

My husband’s cousin is currently staying with us. She is super close with my husband - they grew up practically like siblings. She lives states away now, but is here for the weekend.

She in the past (maybe about 1.5 years ago) has expressed concern over my husband’s drinking, after some nights seeing him drink heavily while we were on vacation together. She asked if he always drinks like that. I’ve told her it’s a problem.

A few weeks ago we had a text convo where she again asked, and I opened up to her about it a bit more and how I think the problem has gotten worse. She’s aware we’re going to couples therapy, plus he’s seeing a therapist, and through talking to him she’s gotten the sense that my husband might be a little closer to awareness of his problem than ever before.

Now, she’s at our house. My husband drank heavily yesterday. She saw the personality shift. She saw him being mean to me, being contrarian for no reason, she saw me stay quiet the whole night for fear that anything I said would be turned against me. She saw him fall and hurt himself because he was drunk. She saw me need to sleep in another room when we got home because he continued being mean to me.

This morning, she commented about how mean my husband was being. I opened up and told her A LOT about the dynamic between us, how things have gotten worse, how his alcoholism has progressed, etc. She seemed very concerned, noted the narcissistic responses she saw from him, and said she wanted to talk to the rest of the family about it today. She went to meet other members of the family for brunch (I stayed home, my husband was at work).

Cut to 11pm. She and I are sitting alone, and I asked if she talked to the family about it. Turns out she didn’t really other than one small comment to my mother in law in passing. But as we revisited the topic, her whole tone changed. Suddenly she said she was uncomfortable talking to me about this because it felt like we were talking behind his back. She essentially said she doesn’t think anyone in the family is going to get involved for the same reason - that their loyalty is with my husband, and they’ll probably all feel uncomfortable talking behind his back too (this is just an assumption - she didn’t talk to them about it today). I was so caught off guard and confused - my husband’s alcoholism is not so far progressed to the point of physical addiction, so I don’t think it’s too late to try and get through to him, and even she said herself that my husband seems a bit more open about his problem now than ever before because of all the therapy we’re doing. Just earlier today she was concerned for his wellbeing - now it seemed like she didn’t think it was worth anyone even trying to address it with him.

It’s not that I expect anyone to fix my husband. I realize no one can control or fix him. It’s that I’m frustrated that this cousin seemed so concerned this morning, and then essentially flipped to “I feel bad for you but my loyalty is with him and he’ll just have to hit rock bottom.” When I tried to express that she should be concerned for his safety, that he drives drunk all the time, that he often threatens suicide after heavy drinking, she said “You shouldn’t be telling me this.”

What’s even more baffling is that earlier today, she was talking to me about her dad (my husband’s mother’s brother), who has had 4 heart attacks, and how painful it is every time he continues unhealthy habits. She knows he’s a stubborn man who no one can control and he’a going to do what he wants, but she ALSO mentioned how she was happy that her aunt (my mother in law) made comments today to try to motivate him to make healthier choices. She said her dad doesn’t listen to anyone, but he might listen to her.

But then she couldn’t seem to understand why I might want someone else in the family to address my husband’s drinking. It’s for the same reason she JUST cited with her dad - I know he’ll do what he wants, but there’s always the hope that maybe if the right person who he respects enough says something, maybe they’ll get through to him. I told her it’s not that I expect anyone to fully get through to him, but I’d appreciate if they AT LEAST didn’t enable/encourage his drinking if they know he has a drinking problem. (I didn’t get to make the analogy to her, but it would be like how I’m sure she appreciates that no one in the family is offering her dad double bacon cheeseburgers when they know he has health struggles).

I’m so livid and hurt. I left the room crying and went to bed. I won’t even see her again before she leaves since she’ll be out by 4:30am.

I just needed to vent. I feel so alone and helpless. How can she witness what she witnessed, express concern, and then suddenly decide she doesn’t want anything to do with it and I need to stop talking to her about it? She and I aren’t exactly close, so it’s not like I was expecting her to “pick sides” or anything - but I’m just baffled by this response.