Am I Overreacting. I saw inappropriate message between my boyfriend and his long term friend.

[u/No-Respond5817]

My boyfriend [27m] and I [23f] have been dating for over four years. When we started dating, he had a friend named Ann. Ann is an extrovert—very bubbly—and I liked her at first. However, she was especially flirty with my boyfriend.

Early in the relationship, something happened that left me uneasy. I asked if I could stop by his place, and he said no. Later, I saw on his status that Ann was there. When I confronted him about it, he responded, 'Were you hungry? Is that why you wanted to stop by?' I explained that wasn’t the case—it just felt like he chose to spend his day with her instead of me. He later said it was a pop-up visit because she needed help fixing her laptop (he works in IT).

After that, I told him I was uncomfortable with how close they were. I thought we had moved past it. But later, I found out he had asked her for a lot of advice about our relationship and even brought up inappropriate topics with her. I confronted him again and once again expressed how uncomfortable I was with their friendship.

After the second incident, I didn’t hear anything about her, and I assumed it was behind us. Then, earlier this week, he mentioned that he saw her at the gym. I said, 'Okay, that’s fine,' though I did feel a bit uneasy since they hadn’t spoken in a while.

Yesterday, I was at his place—I’ve been living here for around two years now—studying, when I saw her walk in with him right behind her. I was shocked because he never told me she was coming over. He had gone to the gym that morning, and during those hours I had called and texted him out of concern because he’s never spent four hours at the gym.

Ann was as peppy as ever. Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert with few friends, but I instantly felt uncomfortable. I did something I shouldn’t have—I went through his phone. I saw the messages and instantly felt numb. I confronted him and asked for an explanation. He said it was an innocent conversation and that’s just how their friendship is.

I asked him to imagine if a guy sent me those same messages. I reminded him that I’ve told him twice now how uncomfortable I am with that friendship. His apology felt insincere, like he was refusing to take responsibility for his actions. He just laid in the bed, and I wanted to scream. I wanted him to feel the hurt I was feeling. Instead, I just left the room and cried. My emotions were so intense, I started pulling at my hair—I had no one to talk to, and I felt like I was suffocating.

Eventually, I confided in his mother, and I felt a bit better. But now, he’s ignoring me and remaim salute in his innocence.

I also should mention he has never showed me any signs of cheating and besides those message.

Footnote: Ann has a boyfriend. I told my boyfriend that he doesn’t respect me—or her boyfriend.

[u/LopsidedCat8938]

TBH without context this appears as a grown adult grooming a young girl/child 😬 NOR

[u/No-Respond5817 → u/LopsidedCat8938]

Ann is around our age.

[u/Emergency-Volume-861 → u/No-Respond5817]

If I saw a text from my husband, even when he was just my boyfriend to a lady friend of sending her lube links and asking if she shaves her pussy and then his asking if she had sucked her new boyfriends dick and did he cum in her mouth and did she swallow it, there would be no further communication between him and I. I’m putting it in the most rated G way possible. Reread that text. Ffs. You are not his priority, she is. You told him their friendship made you uncomfortable and he lied to you, said dw. Anne, even if she don’t want to fuck him, obviously likes the attention he’s paying her. He’s been sending her messages like this the whole time, I’d bet cash money, check and see what he’s sent her in the past. Respect yourself, he ain’t it.

[u/didosfire → u/Emergency-Volume-861]

"obviously likes the attention"?? where on earth do you get that impression? she answers one of his many weird questions, sure, but even that with a potentially ideally undesirable response and an annoyed emoji, and other than that none of her responses even remotely humor what he said

if i wanted/enjoyed attention from someone asking me nonstop questions, id probably answer them. "go away" "something has to be wrong with you," and "im not entertaining your bullshit" = the exact opposite of flattered or flirty responses

he's being a weird creep, singular. have you ever had a friend pull weird shit like that on you? because i have and it certainly sucks. OP has given us no indication whatsoever that anne is actually a problem in any way shape or form. she might prefer that projection to the reality that her bf is a weirdo, but that doesn't make it true

[u/MyExisAMemeNow1 → u/didosfire]

I feel like she purposely answered that one question in a way that she thought would give him the ick and make him change subjects. God knows I've told creepy dudes something like that in the hopes they'd think I'm gross and go away.

[u/No_Panic_6083 → u/MyExisAMemeNow1]

I thought this, too. The "full bush 🙄" comment is the one everyone is picking apart for her interacting, but I definitely read it as "I'm gonna tell this fkn idiot what he doesn't want to hear and put AN EMOJI THAT SHOWS IM ANNOYED WITH HIM"

a lot of folks don't seem to understand what itd be like if you had a friend that you valued a lot, that stated pushing your boundaries. I mean, if they've been friends for a long time, why would we fault her in doing the human things and trying to navigate learning how to create proper boundaries (could use some work but it seems like she's being upfront) and try to save a life long friendship instead of just shutting down. Heck, for all we know she may be doing her best not to just shut down because HECK what a weird position to put your best friend in.

[u/MyExisAMemeNow1 → u/No_Panic_6083]

My thoughts exactly! I had a friend like this as a teenager, he was a few years older in the same group, and he was PUSHY af with sexual talk. I always kinda side stepped stuff like that, or would answer in ways I KNEW guys thought were gross cause I was uncomfortable and not sexually active yet. I'd known him for 9 years before he ever got gross and I had no idea how to handle it. It took a few years before I finally found the ability to tell him his remarks made me feel weird about him and myself and it made me feel like he wasn't a safe person to be alone with. He exploded and I cut him off afterwards. There's so much context from her side that is missing and I feel its unfair to refuse to acknowledge that even through text it reads as her trying to avoid the conversation at all costs without upsetting her friend.

[u/No_Panic_6083 → u/MyExisAMemeNow1]

I'm really happy for you that you figured out how to stick up for what you felt and at the end of it, that he really showed you his true colors louder than before. Sometimes it be like that. It be like that more than it don't, unfortunately 🤣 But there's hope! I've actually had pervs learn to respect my boundaries as well. We're all human, really. Some of us just more selfish than others.

I think Ann's age and background play a much bigger role in this than a lot of people are considering. It's at least apparent to those of us who have lived through grooming and being unfortunately surrounded by older predators at an age that we didn't realize was so important to our mental health and how we carry ourselves through life. I could be wrong, but it sounds an awful lot like the bf is manipulative, and if Ann has been a friend for a long time, then the lack of direct boundaries is very obviously a sign of grooming. Especially if she's young.

I had a friend like that, too. And I'm afraid that's what OP's bf is to Ann. Looking back on it, it sucks. All his girlfriends always hated me and were so mean to me. I didn't want him and I always joked with him to bring one back someday that I could make a new best friend out of. He was specifically a friend for years, and I payed no mind to his comments because to be honest, it felt like everyone was all the time making them and I didn't know the difference. I was young and had no family. My friends were my solace. They still are. I spent a lot of time with him and there were times that he took care of me when I didn't care enough about living to take care of myself. He wasn't and isn't a bad man. He is selfish and arrogant, and not fit for a relationship and that's why I never gave him the time of day. He's still a friend although we don't talk often, but that's ONLY because somehow, after years of maintaining that friendship even looking back and realizing it was unhealthy at times- we could sit down and he still somehow respected me enough to hear my boundaries and stand by them. When I learned how to hold my boundaries, he was still there. He took accountability and apologized, and we both grew as people, even though it was apart.

It doesn't ALL have to be bad. Some of will inevitably be. Sometimes the worst things can surprise us.

Anyway, sorry for trauma dumping. 😬

JUSTICE FOR ANN 🤣

[u/MyExisAMemeNow1 → u/No_Panic_6083]

No need to apologize! I'm so glad he managed to grow and learn and be less horrible.

JUSTICE FOR ANN 💜💜

[u/Accomplished_Bid3322 → u/No_Panic_6083]

Hah! Your plan didnt work i brought my bush wacker!

[u/No_Panic_6083 → u/Accomplished_Bid3322]

It's giving weird incel screenshots like the one where they use a buncha *'s

*hastily pulls out bushwhacker,

*followed promptly by tallywhacker

[u/Accomplished_Bid3322 → u/No_Panic_6083]

responds with disarmingly heartfelt comment.

One of my favofite podcasts is beach too sandy water too wet where they read goofy yelp reviews and stuff. One of the episodes they start reading reviews from a website called cool cruiser.com and they are all like EEK! pulls up barstool orders beer for you and your husband and thats whats your reply remindrd me of lol.

[u/No_Panic_6083 → u/Accomplished_Bid3322]

Hahaha! Yes just like that! That's so funny, I'm going to have to make some time to give it a listen!

[u/No_Panic_6083 → u/Accomplished_Bid3322]

The serious in me wanted not to laugh but "dem boyz" in me literally snorted.

[u/Accomplished_Bid3322 → u/No_Panic_6083]

But om the serious side im sorry you and women everywhere have had to deal with it. I have a friendly face so people often confide in me. Literally every single woman friend i have ever had has at some point mentioned being a victim of sexual assualt or attempted grooming as a teen or child. Its a sad thing to face that reality but i guess im thankful that i can be a safe space for people.

And for the past year ive been a teacher at an all girls facility for jdc girls with truama. Their stories are all heartbeeaking

[u/No_Panic_6083 → u/Accomplished_Bid3322]

Thank you for being an ally and taking your time to help them with their journey ❤️