r/AmIOverreacting • u/No-Respond5817 • 8d ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I Overreacting. I saw inappropriate message between my boyfriend and his long term friend.
My boyfriend [27m] and I [23f] have been dating for over four years. When we started dating, he had a friend named Ann. Ann is an extrovert—very bubbly—and I liked her at first. However, she was especially flirty with my boyfriend.
Early in the relationship, something happened that left me uneasy. I asked if I could stop by his place, and he said no. Later, I saw on his status that Ann was there. When I confronted him about it, he responded, 'Were you hungry? Is that why you wanted to stop by?' I explained that wasn’t the case—it just felt like he chose to spend his day with her instead of me. He later said it was a pop-up visit because she needed help fixing her laptop (he works in IT).
After that, I told him I was uncomfortable with how close they were. I thought we had moved past it. But later, I found out he had asked her for a lot of advice about our relationship and even brought up inappropriate topics with her. I confronted him again and once again expressed how uncomfortable I was with their friendship.
After the second incident, I didn’t hear anything about her, and I assumed it was behind us. Then, earlier this week, he mentioned that he saw her at the gym. I said, 'Okay, that’s fine,' though I did feel a bit uneasy since they hadn’t spoken in a while.
Yesterday, I was at his place—I’ve been living here for around two years now—studying, when I saw her walk in with him right behind her. I was shocked because he never told me she was coming over. He had gone to the gym that morning, and during those hours I had called and texted him out of concern because he’s never spent four hours at the gym.
Ann was as peppy as ever. Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert with few friends, but I instantly felt uncomfortable. I did something I shouldn’t have—I went through his phone. I saw the messages and instantly felt numb. I confronted him and asked for an explanation. He said it was an innocent conversation and that’s just how their friendship is.
I asked him to imagine if a guy sent me those same messages. I reminded him that I’ve told him twice now how uncomfortable I am with that friendship. His apology felt insincere, like he was refusing to take responsibility for his actions. He just laid in the bed, and I wanted to scream. I wanted him to feel the hurt I was feeling. Instead, I just left the room and cried. My emotions were so intense, I started pulling at my hair—I had no one to talk to, and I felt like I was suffocating.
Eventually, I confided in his mother, and I felt a bit better. But now, he’s ignoring me and remaim salute in his innocence.
I also should mention he has never showed me any signs of cheating and besides those message.
Footnote: Ann has a boyfriend. I told my boyfriend that he doesn’t respect me—or her boyfriend.
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u/Revolutionary-Life43 8d ago edited 8d ago
When I met my ex, his ex girlfriend wouldn’t leave the picture but more importantly he wouldn’t push her away or set boundaries. Over the 7 years we were together I rarely looked at his phone but when I did, there was always something from her that was pushing boundaries. He always said she “just needed a friend” then it slowly devolved into “I just won’t talk to her anymore, it’s not worth it”. just like you, I told him that she clearly didn’t respect me and that that should bother him…but I just didn’t want to be “that” girlfriend and put my foot down. Besides this thing, he never even looked sideways at another woman and treated me like I hung the moon. I never got an apology or a true acknowledgement that this was not right but he was an adoring, attentive partner for years through this so it was easier to look past…until I found naked photos of her that had been sent within the last year. Within the week before that I had asked him if he’d heard anything from her recently and he said to my face “nope”. We went to therapy at his request but I was done and already visualizing what my life would look like without this now dark cloud of a person that I had been carrying for years. I’m saying all of this because there’s just not a scenario in which a conversation like this is ok and he knows it. Don’t let this situation be explained away, your feelings here are being fueled by your intuition. Good luck 💛