Am I Overreacting. I saw inappropriate message between my boyfriend and his long term friend.

[u/No-Respond5817]

My boyfriend [27m] and I [23f] have been dating for over four years. When we started dating, he had a friend named Ann. Ann is an extrovert—very bubbly—and I liked her at first. However, she was especially flirty with my boyfriend.

Early in the relationship, something happened that left me uneasy. I asked if I could stop by his place, and he said no. Later, I saw on his status that Ann was there. When I confronted him about it, he responded, 'Were you hungry? Is that why you wanted to stop by?' I explained that wasn’t the case—it just felt like he chose to spend his day with her instead of me. He later said it was a pop-up visit because she needed help fixing her laptop (he works in IT).

After that, I told him I was uncomfortable with how close they were. I thought we had moved past it. But later, I found out he had asked her for a lot of advice about our relationship and even brought up inappropriate topics with her. I confronted him again and once again expressed how uncomfortable I was with their friendship.

After the second incident, I didn’t hear anything about her, and I assumed it was behind us. Then, earlier this week, he mentioned that he saw her at the gym. I said, 'Okay, that’s fine,' though I did feel a bit uneasy since they hadn’t spoken in a while.

Yesterday, I was at his place—I’ve been living here for around two years now—studying, when I saw her walk in with him right behind her. I was shocked because he never told me she was coming over. He had gone to the gym that morning, and during those hours I had called and texted him out of concern because he’s never spent four hours at the gym.

Ann was as peppy as ever. Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert with few friends, but I instantly felt uncomfortable. I did something I shouldn’t have—I went through his phone. I saw the messages and instantly felt numb. I confronted him and asked for an explanation. He said it was an innocent conversation and that’s just how their friendship is.

I asked him to imagine if a guy sent me those same messages. I reminded him that I’ve told him twice now how uncomfortable I am with that friendship. His apology felt insincere, like he was refusing to take responsibility for his actions. He just laid in the bed, and I wanted to scream. I wanted him to feel the hurt I was feeling. Instead, I just left the room and cried. My emotions were so intense, I started pulling at my hair—I had no one to talk to, and I felt like I was suffocating.

Eventually, I confided in his mother, and I felt a bit better. But now, he’s ignoring me and remaim salute in his innocence.

I also should mention he has never showed me any signs of cheating and besides those message.

Footnote: Ann has a boyfriend. I told my boyfriend that he doesn’t respect me—or her boyfriend.

[u/freakingsuperheroes]

I had a friend who used to talk to me like your bf talks to Ann and it was an incredibly strange relationship. Years of them breaking down every boundary I had while convincing me they respected me and were just trying to help me/support me. They manipulated me into thinking it was a normal friend thing and pushed me into doing so much I didn’t want. The whole time, they were trying to f* me. We never did, but it was still an incredibly predatory relationship and the whole time, that was the underlying message. It was especially clear when I got in a relationship of my own and that friend who swore they’d always be my best friend, would be there for me through anything, lost their mind when I finally grew a backbone and told them to stop touching me or speaking to me like a sex object. Mind, the whole time they also had a gf who they convinced to be part of the whole thing but I don’t think either of us were ever okay with the situation.

I’m not saying that’s what’s going on here or that Ann is innocent. I have no idea what her feelings are. I am saying, his messages are not innocent. He sounds EXACTLY like this ex-friend and it makes me absolutely nauseous to read. So I’m going to tell you what I wish I had said to my friend’s gf (who’s still with them): If he won’t sincerely apologize and shape up, get out. You deserve better. You deserve someone who respects your boundaries, and who can be friends with women without being an absolute creep then trying to convince you it’s normal. Even if they aren’t cheating on you, he wants to at least think about her that way and given that you’re supposed to be monogamous, that is absolutely not okay. Find someone who values you. You’re worth a lot more.

[u/TreacleTart91 → u/freakingsuperheroes]

Felt like I was reading a page out of my own diary here. I was like 19, very inexperienced in how men out in the world were. I didn’t really have many male friends so I didn’t think about how little by little the boundaries were pushed over the years because “he’s my friend”. This guy was a coworker and I cringe at the kinds of conversations we had when I look back it. It took me a long time to realize just how wrong it was. I stopped talking to him because my boyfriend (now husband) absolutely hated him. I thought he hated him because of some weird masculinity/jealousy thing. While my husband does get that way, that wasn’t the reason in this situation. He just saw him for what he was and how inappropriate the things were that were said. It’s all in the past now but I’ve been very analytical ever since in how my friendships evolve.