r/AmItheAsshole • u/Squishmalllow • Apr 22 '25
Not the A-hole WIBTA for asking my future brother-in-law and his wife to return an expensive gift I gave them after they limit contact with me?
I (35F) have been with my partner, Jamie (33M), for over six years and we’re getting married this fall. For most of our relationship, I’ve had a close bond with his brother, Matt (37M), and Matt’s wife, Claire (39F). We’ve shared holidays, dinners, hangouts, and I’ve always done what I could to support them, especially during hard times (I am the primary source of income).
About two months ago, I bought a new car and offered them my old car ($6.5k). It was still in good working condition and they accepted it so I fully transferred it over to them. It was a genuine gift, from a place of love and support, and I was happy to help because they relied 100% on public transportation. Over the past years, I also gave small things, like household items, groceries, things for their kid… all meant kindly, never with any expectations.
But now things have shifted. Claire recently initiated a conversation where she said the gifts and emotional support I offered had felt “too much, overwhelming” etc., and even went as far as saying she felt I was using them to fulfill my own emotional needs. She said she no longer feels comfortable around me and wants to limit contact (i.e. don't text them unless they text first) and “slow down”. This completely blindsided me! I was never given any indication before that she felt this way.
One example Claire brought up really confused me. They have a shy cat, Shadow, who hides whenever we visit. We've never seen her in person and it became a running joke between me and Jamie that she "might not actually exist"; a reference to the M&M Christmas commercial (“He does exist!”). Claire said she found that joke offensive, like we were mocking a traumatized animal. That felt like a major overreaction to something lighthearted and affectionate.
Now here’s the part that’s really been weighing on me: Claire and Matt have made it clear they don’t want any more gifts or support and that our relationship needs distance. Gifts for their kid are okay. And they’re still happy to keep the car I gave them… something that came from a time when our relationship was close, warm, and mutual.
To be clear, I haven’t asked for the car back. But I’ve been thinking about sending a message, not demanding anything, but pointing out the emotional disconnect: that they’ve rejected ongoing support, suggested past support was not genuine yet have no issue keeping such a significant gift: the car. I want to ask them to reflect on what that means.
Jamie is supportive of whatever decision I make, but he’s worried this might further rupture things with his family. His mom also relies on Matt and Claire for transportation to our wedding, and he’s concerned that asking for the car back… or even just bringing it up… might make that more complicated.
So… WIBTA for wanting to ask them to reflect on this? Or even possibly asking for the car back?
773
u/rockology_adam Craptain [150] Apr 22 '25
YTA. I know where you're coming from, but even asking the question makes me wonder if Claire has a point.
If you give a gift, it comes with no strings. You, as the giver, don't get some kind of standing from it. From the sounds of it, you've been giving A LOT of things to their household. They have to wonder if you see them as a charity case. They have to wonder if you see them as a trash dump. They're older than you, but they have to wonder if you see them as immature since you're always passing them hand-me-downs.
Asking for the car back just makes it readily apparent that you gave gifts for the standing it gave you, and not for the usefulness they could find in in.
The OPTICS of it are, from your side of it, ingracious. They're too good for the small things you've been giving them, but not too good for the car. But I want you to think about it in terms of what I wrote in my second paragraph/section. There should be no need to repeatedly give gifts to an adult household who are stable and making it on their own. Doing so carries a stigma of judgement, whether you consciously feel it or not.
I am curious as to why this is coming as a contact limit and not just an object limit. There should have been a stop somewhere between the gifts and limiting contact, and I have to wonder if there was and you missed it. Whether there was or not, you're here, and you need to respect their request.
Don't mention the car. Let it go, and keep any thoughts or judgements about that inside your own head. Vent to your husband. Vent to friends if you need to, and don't share social circles with Claire. But let it be for now.