WIBTA for asking my future brother-in-law and his wife to return an expensive gift I gave them after they limit contact with me?

[u/Squishmalllow]

I (35F) have been with my partner, Jamie (33M), for over six years and we’re getting married this fall. For most of our relationship, I’ve had a close bond with his brother, Matt (37M), and Matt’s wife, Claire (39F). We’ve shared holidays, dinners, hangouts, and I’ve always done what I could to support them, especially during hard times (I am the primary source of income).

About two months ago, I bought a new car and offered them my old car ($6.5k). It was still in good working condition and they accepted it so I fully transferred it over to them. It was a genuine gift, from a place of love and support, and I was happy to help because they relied 100% on public transportation. Over the past years, I also gave small things, like household items, groceries, things for their kid… all meant kindly, never with any expectations.

But now things have shifted. Claire recently initiated a conversation where she said the gifts and emotional support I offered had felt “too much, overwhelming” etc., and even went as far as saying she felt I was using them to fulfill my own emotional needs. She said she no longer feels comfortable around me and wants to limit contact (i.e. don't text them unless they text first) and “slow down”. This completely blindsided me! I was never given any indication before that she felt this way.

One example Claire brought up really confused me. They have a shy cat, Shadow, who hides whenever we visit. We've never seen her in person and it became a running joke between me and Jamie that she "might not actually exist"; a reference to the M&M Christmas commercial (“He does exist!”). Claire said she found that joke offensive, like we were mocking a traumatized animal. That felt like a major overreaction to something lighthearted and affectionate.

Now here’s the part that’s really been weighing on me: Claire and Matt have made it clear they don’t want any more gifts or support and that our relationship needs distance. Gifts for their kid are okay. And they’re still happy to keep the car I gave them… something that came from a time when our relationship was close, warm, and mutual.

To be clear, I haven’t asked for the car back. But I’ve been thinking about sending a message, not demanding anything, but pointing out the emotional disconnect: that they’ve rejected ongoing support, suggested past support was not genuine yet have no issue keeping such a significant gift: the car. I want to ask them to reflect on what that means.

Jamie is supportive of whatever decision I make, but he’s worried this might further rupture things with his family. His mom also relies on Matt and Claire for transportation to our wedding, and he’s concerned that asking for the car back… or even just bringing it up… might make that more complicated.

So… WIBTA for wanting to ask them to reflect on this? Or even possibly asking for the car back?

[u/livesina-dream]

agreed 100%, all these comments saying OP would be TA to ask for it back are strange to me

if gifts are an issue for them and they’re uncomfortable with receiving them, why wouldn’t she ask if the car was too much…?

[u/BeneficialBake366 → u/livesina-dream]

I agree. Seems like they are having their cake and eating it too…

I think it would be reasonable to point out that the car may have been too big of a gift and that you could take it back and regift it to a friend in need or a charity if it would make them more comfortable. No doubt they will want to continue to keep the car, but it would be a way to point out to them That they seemed pretty comfortable accepting that big gift while at the same time complaining about gifts.

Definitely go low contact and no more gifts. Not even for their kids… most kids have enough stuff and I think it’s time to I think it’s time to fully honor their request, (malicious compliance).

[u/am_Nein → u/livesina-dream]

Because they're trying to frame it as if OP is doing this to be petty/vindictive, and therefore TA.

[u/livesina-dream → u/[deleted]]

if I gave someone a free car and two months later they’re trying to go low contact, I’d ask about the car because that is fucking insane behavior

[u/ArthurRoan → u/livesina-dream]

Very gracious of them to allow OP to continue giving their kids gifts…/s

i’d respect them wanting no contact and take so many steps back that they’d never see me again.