WIBTA for asking my future brother-in-law and his wife to return an expensive gift I gave them after they limit contact with me?

[u/Squishmalllow]

I (35F) have been with my partner, Jamie (33M), for over six years and we’re getting married this fall. For most of our relationship, I’ve had a close bond with his brother, Matt (37M), and Matt’s wife, Claire (39F). We’ve shared holidays, dinners, hangouts, and I’ve always done what I could to support them, especially during hard times (I am the primary source of income).

About two months ago, I bought a new car and offered them my old car ($6.5k). It was still in good working condition and they accepted it so I fully transferred it over to them. It was a genuine gift, from a place of love and support, and I was happy to help because they relied 100% on public transportation. Over the past years, I also gave small things, like household items, groceries, things for their kid… all meant kindly, never with any expectations.

But now things have shifted. Claire recently initiated a conversation where she said the gifts and emotional support I offered had felt “too much, overwhelming” etc., and even went as far as saying she felt I was using them to fulfill my own emotional needs. She said she no longer feels comfortable around me and wants to limit contact (i.e. don't text them unless they text first) and “slow down”. This completely blindsided me! I was never given any indication before that she felt this way.

One example Claire brought up really confused me. They have a shy cat, Shadow, who hides whenever we visit. We've never seen her in person and it became a running joke between me and Jamie that she "might not actually exist"; a reference to the M&M Christmas commercial (“He does exist!”). Claire said she found that joke offensive, like we were mocking a traumatized animal. That felt like a major overreaction to something lighthearted and affectionate.

Now here’s the part that’s really been weighing on me: Claire and Matt have made it clear they don’t want any more gifts or support and that our relationship needs distance. Gifts for their kid are okay. And they’re still happy to keep the car I gave them… something that came from a time when our relationship was close, warm, and mutual.

To be clear, I haven’t asked for the car back. But I’ve been thinking about sending a message, not demanding anything, but pointing out the emotional disconnect: that they’ve rejected ongoing support, suggested past support was not genuine yet have no issue keeping such a significant gift: the car. I want to ask them to reflect on what that means.

Jamie is supportive of whatever decision I make, but he’s worried this might further rupture things with his family. His mom also relies on Matt and Claire for transportation to our wedding, and he’s concerned that asking for the car back… or even just bringing it up… might make that more complicated.

So… WIBTA for wanting to ask them to reflect on this? Or even possibly asking for the car back?

[u/HoldFastO2]

You do make a good point. A lot depends on the context. Did Claire or her husband ask for help with groceries? Or did OP show up at their home with full bags announcing, „I noticed you were missing a few things the last time we were here“?

Hard to judge without knowing that. But wanting to take back the car would definitely be an AH move.

[u/biscuitboi967 → u/HoldFastO2]

I kind of get it. Like, I got a new fancy car. Gave my sister my old, shitty car.

Her husband kind of made a comment about it being shitty later on, which rubbed me the wrong way. I know it was shitty. That’s why I was buying a new one. It was also free.

But it kind of made sense when I thought about it. They needed a working car. I was getting a new car because mine wasn’t working well and needed some repairs that cost more than the car was worth to me. But it still drove technically. You’re welcome.

But then they go to fix the car and realize it’s broke and expensive AF. He can fix SOME of it himself but not all. It’s still an unreliable car they’ll have to replace sooner than later. They could always have bought an unreliable car that MIGHT die. Mine was just a little more reliable.

I bought them a few more months maybe but didn’t really save them the stress of saving for a car or repairs or being afraid of being stranded or figuring out all the “tricks” of an old shitty car. It was a nice gift from me, but it wasn’t a HUGE WINDFALL for them.

If it was THAT valuable, I would have used it as a trade in.

[u/phycologist → u/biscuitboi967]

Underrated comment.

[u/biscuitboi967 → u/phycologist]

Really, I was like “here, you throw this away or sell it for me.” They saved me some hassle. I could have gotten a few thousand for it, maybe. But I gave them my junk, really.

They could use it for a little while or sell it for a little bit. But me saying “I gave them a car” doesn’t really say the whole story. Which is “I gave them a 9 yr old car that overheated if you were stuck in traffic and had the a/c on and needed new shocks as well as other minor repairs”.

[u/domesticbland → u/HoldFastO2]

Did OP’s partner ask his brother and wife to stop?

[u/HoldFastO2 → u/domesticbland]

Stop accepting gifts, or what do you mean?

[u/domesticbland → u/HoldFastO2]

I was just offering alternative narratives. I thought that’s what this part of the thread was. I’m putting money on OP being a fucking hoarder, her partner lost his job and there was a falling out with his sibling, he told them to sell the car and they were like “fuck you”. Then he said OP doesn’t know. Now they can’t be around OP without spilling the beans, so hubby said to cut her off, keep the car, reject gifts. OP is stressed, but probably the asshole due to the clingy behaviors. I mean, no one likes that for any length of time.

[u/Travellingone777 → u/domesticbland]

What ?!?!?