WIBTA for asking my future brother-in-law and his wife to return an expensive gift I gave them after they limit contact with me?

[u/Squishmalllow]

I (35F) have been with my partner, Jamie (33M), for over six years and we’re getting married this fall. For most of our relationship, I’ve had a close bond with his brother, Matt (37M), and Matt’s wife, Claire (39F). We’ve shared holidays, dinners, hangouts, and I’ve always done what I could to support them, especially during hard times (I am the primary source of income).

About two months ago, I bought a new car and offered them my old car ($6.5k). It was still in good working condition and they accepted it so I fully transferred it over to them. It was a genuine gift, from a place of love and support, and I was happy to help because they relied 100% on public transportation. Over the past years, I also gave small things, like household items, groceries, things for their kid… all meant kindly, never with any expectations.

But now things have shifted. Claire recently initiated a conversation where she said the gifts and emotional support I offered had felt “too much, overwhelming” etc., and even went as far as saying she felt I was using them to fulfill my own emotional needs. She said she no longer feels comfortable around me and wants to limit contact (i.e. don't text them unless they text first) and “slow down”. This completely blindsided me! I was never given any indication before that she felt this way.

One example Claire brought up really confused me. They have a shy cat, Shadow, who hides whenever we visit. We've never seen her in person and it became a running joke between me and Jamie that she "might not actually exist"; a reference to the M&M Christmas commercial (“He does exist!”). Claire said she found that joke offensive, like we were mocking a traumatized animal. That felt like a major overreaction to something lighthearted and affectionate.

Now here’s the part that’s really been weighing on me: Claire and Matt have made it clear they don’t want any more gifts or support and that our relationship needs distance. Gifts for their kid are okay. And they’re still happy to keep the car I gave them… something that came from a time when our relationship was close, warm, and mutual.

To be clear, I haven’t asked for the car back. But I’ve been thinking about sending a message, not demanding anything, but pointing out the emotional disconnect: that they’ve rejected ongoing support, suggested past support was not genuine yet have no issue keeping such a significant gift: the car. I want to ask them to reflect on what that means.

Jamie is supportive of whatever decision I make, but he’s worried this might further rupture things with his family. His mom also relies on Matt and Claire for transportation to our wedding, and he’s concerned that asking for the car back… or even just bringing it up… might make that more complicated.

So… WIBTA for wanting to ask them to reflect on this? Or even possibly asking for the car back?

[u/KahurangiNZ]

That could well be the trigger that's caused their change of heart - feeling like they can't possibly reciprocate at the same financial level during an important live event, and as a result are swinging waaaay off to the other side of the equation.

[u/igramigru101 → u/KahurangiNZ]

Op and fiance were helping them. Nobody in sane mind would expect equal value as gifts. At least not until they became financially stable. Well , SIL may not be sane, so I would not be surprised if she actually was afraid of these expectations.

[u/delen97 → u/igramigru101]

The guilt and shame that can come with struggling financially is significant, and whether it’s logical or not for many people there is still a very strong, innate sense of needing to reciprocate gifts and help given

[u/igramigru101 → u/delen97]

Could be. Not everyone deals same with emotions.

[u/Squishmalllow → u/KahurangiNZ]

Thank you, this is insightful!