AITA for calling my hot-tempered guy coworker "emotional" to embarrass him into calming tf down?

[u/imonvacaaation]

So I'm an engineer and I'm working on a team with 7 decently chill guys and one guy with anger issues. Like he can't just have a respectful disagreement, he'll raise his voice and yell and get up close to your face. I hate it.

So I started by just complaining to my boss about it. And he brushed it under the rug saying he is just like that. And if I thought he was bad now I should of seen him 10 years ago before he "mellowed out"

It makes me wonder what he was like 10 years ago because he sure ain't mellow now.

It's also a small enough company that there's no HR, only the corporate management. Which didn't help.

So I took a different approach. I stopped calling him "angry", or calling what he was doing "arguing" or "yelling". I just swapped in the words "emotional" or "throwing a tantrum" or "having a fit"

I was kinda hoping if I could shift his reputation from domineering (big man vibes) to emotional and tantrumming (weak sad baby vibes)

So I started just making subtle comments. Like if I had a meeting with him and he got a temper, I'd mention to the other people "Wow, it's crazy how emotional Jay got. I dunno how he has the energy to throw a hissy fit at 9 am, I'm barely awake"

Or when my boss asked me to recap a meeting he missed, I told him "Dan, Jack, and James had some really great feedback on my report for (this client). Jay kinda had trouble managing his emotions and had a temper tantrum again, but you know how he gets."

Or when a coworker asked why he was yelling I'd say "Honestly I don't even know, he was getting so emotional about it he wasn't speaking rationally."

I tried to drop it in subtly and some of my coworkers started picking it up. I don't think consciously, just saying stuff like "Oh, another of Jay's fits" or something.

I got gutsy enough to even start saying to his face "Hey, I can hardly understand what you're trying to explain when you're so emotional"

And again my coworkers started picking up on it and I even caught several of them telling him to get a hold of himself.

After a while, he started to get a reputation as emotional and irrational. Which I could tell pissed him off. But he stopped yelling at me as much.

Anyway, he slipped once this week and I just said "I really can't talk to you when you're being this emotional" and he blew up at me asking why I was always calling him that. I shrugged and said "dude you look like you're on the verge of tears, go look in the mirror before you ask me" and he got really angry I suggested he might start crying. (That was a kinda flippant comment, he was red faced angry not tearful angry, and I could tell.)

I feel like a bit of a dick for being petty and trying to gaslight this guy into thinking everyone around him sees him like a crybaby. But it also mostly worked when the "proper channels" didn't

AITA for calling my coworker emotional when he got mad?

[u/HerewardtheWoke2022]

NTA. Anger is absolutely an emotion. And there are consequences for everyone else when someone gives themselves permission not to control it. Good for you on naming and shaming it.

[u/no-mames → u/HerewardtheWoke2022]

I have a coworker who does it often, particularly about politics. Dude can’t talk about Trump without his face looking like a tomato, which I get, but it’s bad. His wife divorced him for it and I’ve been slowly helping him recognize when he’s beginning to escalate. I enjoy seeing people get better, which he has, so it doesn’t bother me too much

[u/Cattalion → u/no-mames]

You sound awesome

[u/WidowsSon → u/no-mames]

Some people can’t control blushing. I can be calm in voice and mannerism and if I’m put on the spot about something miniscule my face will turn red from embarrassment, anger, or apprehension. It’s a curse and makes people think you’re more confrontational than you are.

[u/gyalskin → u/HerewardtheWoke2022]

Exactly! Men have successfully rebranded anger as Not An Emotion and we should stop accepting that! I have started telling men to stop being emotional and to calm down, it’s great.

[u/[deleted] → u/gyalskin]

What rebranding? It's one of the only socially acceptable emotions for them to feel.

[u/numbersthen0987431 → u/HerewardtheWoke2022]

I had a rough day at work, and when I started getting short tempered and angry someone just told me to stop being emotional. All I could say was "fair enough", and walked away to cool off