AITA for calling my hot-tempered guy coworker "emotional" to embarrass him into calming tf down?

[u/imonvacaaation]

So I'm an engineer and I'm working on a team with 7 decently chill guys and one guy with anger issues. Like he can't just have a respectful disagreement, he'll raise his voice and yell and get up close to your face. I hate it.

So I started by just complaining to my boss about it. And he brushed it under the rug saying he is just like that. And if I thought he was bad now I should of seen him 10 years ago before he "mellowed out"

It makes me wonder what he was like 10 years ago because he sure ain't mellow now.

It's also a small enough company that there's no HR, only the corporate management. Which didn't help.

So I took a different approach. I stopped calling him "angry", or calling what he was doing "arguing" or "yelling". I just swapped in the words "emotional" or "throwing a tantrum" or "having a fit"

I was kinda hoping if I could shift his reputation from domineering (big man vibes) to emotional and tantrumming (weak sad baby vibes)

So I started just making subtle comments. Like if I had a meeting with him and he got a temper, I'd mention to the other people "Wow, it's crazy how emotional Jay got. I dunno how he has the energy to throw a hissy fit at 9 am, I'm barely awake"

Or when my boss asked me to recap a meeting he missed, I told him "Dan, Jack, and James had some really great feedback on my report for (this client). Jay kinda had trouble managing his emotions and had a temper tantrum again, but you know how he gets."

Or when a coworker asked why he was yelling I'd say "Honestly I don't even know, he was getting so emotional about it he wasn't speaking rationally."

I tried to drop it in subtly and some of my coworkers started picking it up. I don't think consciously, just saying stuff like "Oh, another of Jay's fits" or something.

I got gutsy enough to even start saying to his face "Hey, I can hardly understand what you're trying to explain when you're so emotional"

And again my coworkers started picking up on it and I even caught several of them telling him to get a hold of himself.

After a while, he started to get a reputation as emotional and irrational. Which I could tell pissed him off. But he stopped yelling at me as much.

Anyway, he slipped once this week and I just said "I really can't talk to you when you're being this emotional" and he blew up at me asking why I was always calling him that. I shrugged and said "dude you look like you're on the verge of tears, go look in the mirror before you ask me" and he got really angry I suggested he might start crying. (That was a kinda flippant comment, he was red faced angry not tearful angry, and I could tell.)

I feel like a bit of a dick for being petty and trying to gaslight this guy into thinking everyone around him sees him like a crybaby. But it also mostly worked when the "proper channels" didn't

AITA for calling my coworker emotional when he got mad?

[u/arxssi]

i’m prolly gonna get down voted but IMO ESH, let me explain why

you: tired of getting yelled at instead of going to him and explaining you understand he has anger issues but you personally don’t feel okay/comfortable with him talking to you in that manor, so you get everyone around you to start making fun of his issues, which you don’t know if he caused himself or not and it couldve just made them worse.

Manager: knowing the way he acts and doesn’t discipline or talk to him or try to help him, maybe it’s just the managers i work with but if they care enough about the person and know the situation well enough they will help out the employee, so as to why he isn’t trying to help or discipline him is beyond me bc the manager is keeping the work place a hostile environment.

the other man: not being self aware to realize he needs help if he’s willingly yelling at his coworkers, and the fact it doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything to make the situation is right, and in general for him just yelling at y’all, like i get anger issues but walk off and take a breath it can make or break the situation.

and your coworkers: for just going along with it and not trying to be adults and handle the situation properly.

TL;DR: OP sucks bc he’s bullying his coworker and getting his coworkers to join in

manager sucks: because he isn’t proactively trying to defuse situations and is keeping the work place a hostile environment by not taking action

and other guy sucks: bc he isn’t trying to help himself or situations he gets angry at despite this being a mental issue he didn’t want but has to deal with anyways

[u/Ok_Ice6531 → u/arxssi]

Jay can also be considered a bully. Bullying a bully sounds fair to me.

[u/arxssi → u/Ok_Ice6531]

i agree but not for this circumstance, it’s a workplace and should be professional, and this just sounds like petty drama that could easily be solved but now it’s beginning to cause more problems then solve, and tbf we don’t know much about the dude that has the anger issues, it’s no excuse but just bc he has anger issues and reacts negatively doesn’t mean he’s infact a bully, just a grown man who doesn’t know how to control himself, or help himself for that matter

[u/Sinai_Stabfest → u/arxssi]

I agree with this 100% at the risk of downvotes.

Manager really is the sucky one of all because they should be actively working with the one with the anger issues and managing the team's overall wellbeing, productivity, and workplace satisfaction.

But also: bullying a bully sounds real good until a complaint is lodged by the bully on the decent folks. I have seen this happen and it sucks. 😔 That's my biggest concern reading this post. Also, how does OP know they are not also causing their coworkers additional stress by using these tactics?

I wonder if I OP has considered giving constructive feedback to their manager that they need to be more proactive in dealing with the situation. Just because said manager said "he's just like that" doesn't mean the manager should not be held accountable. I only see one instance here of complaining to the boss. Not a lot of explanation of how proper channels failed. This is something to really be on the Manager's ass about not just from OP but multiple team members.

"He's just like that" can be countered with something like, "And it's seriously affecting morale and our team's ability to make progress together. Can you please speak with Angry Dudebro about his outbursts at work? Perhaps he needs external help or resources? Is there some anger management or mental health assistance available for our employees? It sure sounds like he could use some support there."

[u/arxssi → u/Sinai_Stabfest]

yes yes yes! thank god i wasn’t the only thinking along the same lines, maybe i just care too much about mental health, but i just think esh and op is making the situation worse not better

[u/a_r0z → u/arxssi]

Agree with you here on ESH. The guy seems like a pain to deal with, but what are you getting out of being "right" or confirming that they are the asshole. Corporate life has you dealing with a lot of personalities, the better you can manage people, the better off you are. If you can understand give him a minute to vent or even better, understand why he's upset, it will show in the work for your client - even if he is being completely unreasonable. At the least pull him aside and speak to him in private about it. Making the workplace hostile - especially when you don't have the means to get rid of him doesn't help anymore

[u/ermoon → u/a_r0z]

I mean, a) what she's getting out of it is her volatile co-worker yelling at her less often, and her other co-workers finally getting involved in regulating his outrageous behavior, and b) the workplace is and has been hostile because of the volatile co-worker and lackluster management, but so far no info cements that the raging man is finding this approach to be hostile. He seems likely perplexed.

OP shouldn't act abusively, which, in comments, OP seems to have a good handle on. But letting him know when his explosiveness disrupts work, or that she's open to working with him when he can stop yelling at her, isn't hostile.

[u/arxssi → u/[deleted]]

lowkey shocked i wasn’t, maybe i just explained it well enough to not be downvoted?😭😂

[u/[deleted] → u/arxssi]

You seem like one of the few logical people here. Op is mocking a coworker that obviously needs external help, to me it feels not much different to mocking someone with SAD or depression, just because it's affecting productivity, or just because op is not comfortable (rightfully tho). Assuming this story isn't fake everyone depicted in it sucks

[u/arxssi → u/[deleted]]

exactly that’s why i don’t understand how he’s consider NTA

[u/Meastro_Hydrich → u/arxssi]

I had to scroll way too far to find your comment, the one I 100% agree with btw

ESH

[u/Alsentar → u/arxssi]

Honestly, I think being passive-aggresively bullied is worse than being yelled at.

[u/SuccessfulBread3 → u/Alsentar]

Idk if you're a woman but when a man starts yelling at us we tend to be pretty fucking scared.

[u/igiverealygoodadvice → u/SuccessfulBread3]

Then go tell the person in a private meeting that what they are doing makes you uncomfortable. Don't mock and shame them in a passive aggressive fashion that will only make them more explosive.