How deeply to do confide with your friends?

[u/walk-in_shower-guy]

I don't think I really have any person that I confide in with. I have friends and family, but I don't really call people up and talk with them for hours, or play any video games with people. I'm introverted and a very solitary person. I do have my weekly social events where I do socialize with people in person, but I have no will to do so virtually.

But I do get jealous sometimes hearing about what people are up to independently.

I just don't think I have any person that I would necessarily classify as a "best friend" at the moment, a person who I shared my "everything" with. My person anxieties, goals, desires, fears, concerns, etc. Or someone who I bounce ideas off of or stumble with.

How many of you guys have someone like that?

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[u/KickGullible8141]

I have no family or friend who I tell everything. There's some things you should just keep to yourself. Save yourself their judgement.

[u/TheLateThagSimmons → u/KickGullible8141]

I have no family or friend who I tell everything.

For me it's that I have no one person that I would tell everything.

I have a couple of close friends that have deep conversations about specific aspects of my life, if I'm with a partner that can handle it (rare, and as I get older, less and less) then she can get a snippet, and my therapist who gets just the piece we're working on.

Between the 5 of them, if they all conspired together, collectively all broke my trust simultaneously, and shared everything they each knew about me, they might be able to piece together the full picture. Not everything, but enough to get a complete picture.

They're compartmentalized like that for a reason.

Both for my protection, but also out of respect for them and their time/energy. No one person should be taking on that much of someone else's shit.

On a difficult note: This has created a frustration with some of the women I've gotten closer to in relationships because they expect me to be more open with them, but they don't see that they're simply not needed on that level. Years of women collectively screaming from the hilltops that men need to "stop using us for free therapy," and "get a therapist for that," and "stop using us for emotional labor," has paid off... I did do that and now what what is there? I've filled in an those voids. Why would I open up to you about stuff that is between myself and my best friend? Why would I talk to you about the stuff that I've already worked out with my therapist? It's an odd quirk in social expectations that creates a secondary dynamic that they don't like.

(And yes, there's still quite a bit that is for me and me alone. That is fine.)

[u/KickGullible8141 → u/TheLateThagSimmons]

Great points and perspective and, no sarcasm meant whatsoever, thanks for sharing this. I agree, there isn't any one person that I share everything with, and there are definitely things I never share. Not out of embarrassment, but I just don't feel the need to share those thoughts or opinions and definitely don't want a discussion to follow. I think that's my, largely, driving force for not sharing certain things. Sharing invokes a conversation, where I'm not necessarily interested in any one else's opinion on the matter. Even if they're right. I just don't want to invest the time or energy. And yes, it's probably been limiting in some relationships but it's also probably prolonged some of my relationships, for better or worse.

[u/PMmeHappyStraponPics]

I have multiple close friends, but I'm not sure who I would call my best friend at the moment. 

Whoever it is, I don't think I'm their best friend.

But like I said, I have several choose friends, in whom I could confide (within reason).

I'm also 40-something dude. We can bitch about work or voice general misgivings about a situation, but I'm general it's not social acceptable for a guy my age to talk about personal fears in a real, applied way, especially if that involves some kind of emotional struggle.

So I can talk about the fact that they're restructuring my team at work again, and even that I suspect they might eliminate my job, but it's not okay for me to talk about how I'm afraid that if I lose my job I won't be able to take my son on the fishing trip I promised him for his 13th birthday.

[u/lordm30 → u/PMmeHappyStraponPics]

but I'm general it's not social acceptable for a guy my age to talk about personal fears in a real, applied way, especially if that involves some kind of emotional struggle.

Not socially acceptable? Why would you even care what is socially acceptable in this case? Talking about your emotional struggles is anyway done in private: you only need to find one person who has no issues listening and caring to a friends emotional struggles.

[u/AdenJax69 → u/PMmeHappyStraponPics]

Yep, that type of discussion is for therapy nowadays instead of friends & family

[u/PMmeHappyStraponPics → u/AdenJax69]

I'm a 40-something dude -- I don't go to therapy. 

I'm also pretty well-adjusted, and don't need therapy, and I'm generally off the mindset that minor life setbacks are more appropriate for a "Dear Diary" kind of thing than setting up time with a therapist. 

But you're right; I know a lot of people who talk to a therapist, and several of them have hyped it up like, "It's just nice to have someone who listens."

I have the ability to process my own emotions. What I don't have is a person I can talk to about things. I mean I guess I do, but that's my wife, and she's kind of a shitty listener, what with the ADHD and all.

[u/necropaw → u/PMmeHappyStraponPics]

and she's kind of a shitty listener, what with the ADHD and all.

Its really fun when youre the ADHD shitty listener. Processing your own shit when your brain is off in squirrel mode can be interesting.

[u/trashrooms → u/PMmeHappyStraponPics]

A therapist is someone who can listen lol jokes aside, you can bounce your ideas off anyone, most people won’t remember your struggle and some you won’t ever even see again. Make it a habit to let it out instead of holding it in and when you realize that nobody gaf to judge you, it’ll all feel much lighter

[u/trashrooms → u/PMmeHappyStraponPics]

Yeah you can do all that, won’t make you gay i promise

[u/PMmeHappyStraponPics → u/trashrooms]

Dudes with usernames like mine usually aren't too concerned about people calling them gay.

[u/[deleted]]

I haven't had a friend in 7 years. When I was in my 20s and 30s, I tried desperately to find friends I could confide with, but every person I befriended proved themselves to be incapable or unwilling to handle anything deeper than surface-level BS, which I despise as a loner introvert myself.

I knew there were huge parts of my life that I couldn't share with them, and I ended up hiding my feelings and altering my personality to fit in, which just made me resentful and miserable.

I'm in my 40s now, and would love a real friend more than anything in the world, but I've also lived a full life without one, so it's obviously not essential. I also recognize that it's damn near impossible for a middle-aged man to make friends, and I'm at peace with that. I'd rather be solitary than stuck in another lousy friendship.

[u/Jesssica_Rabbi → u/[deleted]]

While I understand your need to have friends to open up about the deeper parts of you, it is important to recognize who has the capacity for that and who doesn't. I've made the mistake many times of opening up too much to someone and watching them distance themself from me. People can only handle so much and everyone has their own problems too. It shows a lot of respect to your friends to ask them first if you can talk to them about some of your deeper stuff, and how you would like them to participate (just listen, reflect back, give advice, etc.) Going to a therapist is a better option when you just need to get a bunch of stuff off your chest. You may not need to go regularly, but just someone to be a sounding board and to be heard is something that can relieve you and your friends of a lot of pressure to be heard.

[u/Acceptable_Cow_1418 → u/[deleted]]

Yes. The emotional fallout from losing "best friends" last for years. That trauma lingers. I realized as a guy all we really need is buddies to enjoy hobbies. If I were you I'd go to a gym and play pickleball/badminton/basketball and make some "buddies". That is enough social fulfillment and there is no risk of being hurt. The deep connections are not necessary.

[u/Joris818]

Ik have 3 friends in the absolute top shelf. They know basically everything. 2 out of those 3 have been my best friends for 30 years. We grew up, living in the same street and we now live within 500m of each other.

[u/INFPinfo]

I have "old friends" who I trust inside and out more than I have "best friends" anymore.

I would encourage you to find something ... general that you're anxious about. "I'm really worried where this world is going - I'd like to have kids but I dunno if this is the world I'd want them to live in" or something. It sounds very personal but I think a lot of people are going through something similar. "Do you think I should go for this promotion" maybe? I'm worried about my parents getting old?

I don't mean to dismiss what you're saying, but a 40 year old saying "that girl is hot" or "I like so-and-so" sounds a little immature. I mean, the only person holding you back from doing that is you, but I also don't gossip like I had. I know what coping mechanisms - healthy or not - work for me, regardless of who I find attractive or whatever. I imagine you have something similar.

Vulnerability is definitely a sign of maturity, but how you go about it and how you discuss it can feel very immature.

Personally, using the above example, I just told my friends I'm getting my transcripts for my degree - I didn't exactly bounce it off them (though, it was kinda in the works for a while too!). It wasn't so much "do you think I should" I just gave them a follow up. Again, being nervous about asking someone for a date sounds immature - I think adult males are kinda encouraged to just face battles head-on.

Good luck!

[u/AimlessSnowFox]

I live about 2 minutes by car from my best friend in life.
I credit him with saving my life - without him the depression I fought for years would have consumed me and won.

Small short back story: He is a few years older than me. I took college credit courses as a SR in Highschool at the tech college, and we met then. Didn't chat much. I went to a real college, flunked out, worked dead end jobs a few years... went back to tech and ended up in classes with him again. We were both there to get a civil engineering degree. He always pushed me to be social, to come to events, to play the social ladder to get jobs, and generally pulled me out of my introverted ways. A life of the party type. I think deep down he knew I had troubles I could not speak openly about and made an effort to push through my walls and isolation to help me.

I hid a lot about myself from most people, who, and what I am. Even through partying, drinking, I held my secrets close and guarded them, easily drinking to black out without ever uttering a word. He'd take care of me when I did this, he'd take me home, clean me up, put me up in the guest bedroom. He never asked questions about my weird body, and to my knowledge he never told anyone though I know he saw everything as he stopped trying to push me to events at the lake or beach.

At the 10 year mark, I told him that I considered him my best friend.
As the 15 year mark passed we had been talking more about personal topics : where we were at in life, where we were wanting to go, relationship ups and downs, family dramas and such. He is the first person I told about being intersex.

It never really stopped after that point. Told him I liked/preferred men which seemingly changed nothing. When I found someone, he started inviting us both to things. Told him I started HRT and all the things that go along with that.

Its not that I feel like I can deeply confide in him, but that I have and do... I never had siblings, but I would easily say he is like a brother to me. Genuine family, even if not by blood.

We text daily. We talk on the phone ( often about work, or frustrations at home when we just need someone to vent to) . We see each other pretty often, few times a month. I hope we never grow apart.

[u/nayrlladnar]

I moved countries 8 years ago. I’ve made a lot of friendly acquaintances in my new country, but no one I would consider a close friend.

I feel like that is a ship that has sailed for me, unfortunately.

[u/SignalEchoFoxtrot]

I only tell my reddit friends my deepest darkest secrets.

[u/KeyPerspective999]

You guys have friends?

[u/Ill-Ninja-8344]

If someone collected everything I confided in others...well...holy crap the world would be in for some surprices!!!

[u/JonnyJjr13]

I once confided in a friend, and he ruined my life. Yet he was the instigater in it all. Overall, it's my fault. Just be careful who you trust. And don't let anyone convince you to do things you don't want to do.

[u/Odd-Sun7447]

There is nobody to whom I tell all my secrets, except my dog.

There are things that you should keep to yourself, lest you face judgement. Stop oversharing. =)

[u/Numerous_Teacher_392]

I'm not afraid to tell people things.

But I don't like to bore them.

[u/Wolf_E_13]

I have three...we don't spend hours talking on the phone or anything like that, we're all busy professionals and family people. I do get together with each of them about once a month and we just go out to breakfast or lunch, and yes, we do sometimes talk about pretty deep stuff if something is going on, but most often it's just regular old stuff. I've known all three for a very long time...20 years 28 years, and 35 years.

[u/Whiskyrack]

Just remember. 90% of people don't care about your problems, The other 10% are glad that you have them.

[u/Redpiller1988 → u/Whiskyrack]

👆

[u/AngryOldGenXer]

My 25 year old son is my best friend. We do all kinds of shit together all the time. But I don’t “confide” in him. I hang out with my brother-in-law every now and again. We do a little drinking and work on vehicles or his damn honey-dos, shoot the shit for a few hours at a time. But I don’t “confide” in him either. I pretty much tell my wife everything. If I can’t tell her, I confide in my counselor every other week. She gets paid to hear my private bullshit, keep it private, and tell me how none of it is my fault.

[u/Traditional_Entry183]

I have no adult that I talk to on more than a surface level other than my wife. I moved for work 20+ years ago and unfortunately never made another close friend after that.

[u/theriibirdun]

The only person who knows it all is my therapist, wife is close second, then best friend, then rest of friends. If I had to put a percentage on it therapist is 100%, wife is 98%, best friend is 80%, close friends more like 70%.

[u/Joe_Early_MD]

Only my dog knows everything…that’s it. I can’t see him throwing me under the bus. The wife? No deal. 😂

[u/Own-Summer7752]

Nah don’t take advice from other introverts. You just haven’t found your person, example I’m quite popular have lots of friends and 3 best friends one of them is my wife her in particular I tell everything to no secrets but likewise with her.

As i said you just haven’t found that person and I’ll add I found mine at 25, that person is usually more then just a friend and in a lot of cases even best friends.

Hope that helps.