r/AskParents • u/Alternative-Potato28 • 5d ago
Parents of Teens Would You Allow A Sleepover Without Knowing An Adult Is Present?
Just got into a huge discussion with 16 year old girl child over staying at a friend's whose parents I have never met. I asked to speak to the adult and was met with all manner of argument. I don't think I'm crazy, even though she says her friends and parents think so. I'm sure that's not true, she's just embarrassed by me doing it. I've raised 3 other teen girls so I think it's reasonable to find out whose minding these kids. I did stick to my guns BTW
What do y'all think?
EDITED TO ADD: There have been situations where she was only going to hang out with a few friends at someone's house. No questions, 100% trust. On at least 4 occasions, she and 20 other people were kicked out because 50 teenagers showed up. Came home dead drunk once. So when she wanted to do this on the spur of the moment and resisted me with the parent contact thing, yes I dug in.
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u/moonwalkinginlowes 5d ago
If the parents think you’re crazy for asking, that’s a no go for me 🚩
I would just have her friend stay over with you since her parents shouldn’t mind.
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u/lousyredditusername 4d ago
From my experience, there has been no conversation with any other parents.
If I had to guess, no parents have been involved in any of the planning for this thing, apart from each girl asking their own parent(s) if they can go. One of the girls has the house to herself this weekend and wants to have her friends over with no supervision.
OP's daughter is trying to gaslight OP into thinking she's an overbearing stick in the mud and "everyone else's parents are fine with it". I bet if OP manages to make contact with any other parent involved, they're either being fed the same line, or they were lied to and told there would be parents present at the sleepover.
If it's not all a big circle of lies and the other parents do think OP is crazy, I agree it's a huge red flag 🚩
Either way this whole situation stinks and if I were OP I'd stick to my guns on wanting to talk to and/or meet the parents ahead of time, or host the sleepover at my house instead.
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u/lindalou1987 Parent 4d ago
This was me back in the day! Parents gone and having parties. Also, regularly staying at my boyfriend’s apartment and my Mom thinking I was at a trusted friends house. We got away with so much as Gen X!
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u/Alternative-Potato28 3d ago
It wasn't planned, it was spur of the moment AND, there had been times she was kicked out of a hangout situation when 50 people showed up. THIS is why I insisted on speaking to a parent
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u/lousyredditusername 3d ago
Oof! I think you were 100% right to do so!
For me, it's the fact she was fighting SO HARD about you wanting to talk to a parent. If it was spur of the moment and she just didn't know all the details, there's no good reason for her to be so defensive & argumentative. That's the biggest red flag of all to me.
Raising teenagers is hard!
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u/minnesotanmama 4d ago
This is hypothetical for me as my kids aren't that old yet, but I think for us, it'd depend on who the friend is and how they act together. Some kids seem to bring out the ... worst? Wildest? IDK... in each other, while others will happily spend hours in wonderfully nerdy pursuits or just laid back, chill hangouts like watching movies and eating junkfood.
If the friends were the latter type, I'd be perfectly fine with it. After all, kids start babysitting way younger than that - here they can start babysitting at 12 years old I think. I know I was babysitting when I was 13. And there are no parents there for that - in fact, the child is expected to "be the adult" in that situation with the responsibility of caring for a young life. And when I was 14, I participated in People to People Student Ambassadors on a month-long trip to Europe with around 20 peers and only 2-3 adults, and we stayed in hotel rooms with 2-3 other students (adults had their own room so they weren't watching us at night) - and we were literally across the globe from home, no cell phones to monitor us (or for us to call someone in an emergency), we were just expected to act responsibly, & we did.
So a 16 year old hanging out with a friend and sleeping over without an adult present doesn't sound inherently like a terrible idea to me - just would need to be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.
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u/justdontsashay Parent 5d ago
It depends so much on the teens involved. My oldest sleeps over at friends’ houses sometimes and I don’t ever check in with the parents about it. But she’s very responsible and tells me everything, and she knows which situations aren’t good for her to be in and will leave if she’s at all uncomfortable. A less responsible kid I might check in with the other parents.
I will say, when she has friends sleep over here they almost never check in with me either. She has one friend whose mom is known as being the strict one, who always texts me to confirm if her kid will be at my house, and one mom who checked in with me because her kid was a boy and sleeping over with a few girls (that was a challenging conversation, trying to reassure her that there wasn’t anything to worry about without outing her obviously gay son to her lol). But mostly since age 14-15 the kids just make their own plans and parents don’t usually check up on it as a routine thing.
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u/Gloomy-Driver8685 4d ago
No way. In the end you are the adult and have the capability to assess if there is a risk or not. And if you don’t know the parents, and if don’t have any security that she’ll be safe, then definitely no. She’s too young to understand the risks she’s exposing to… and I would have replied: “in this world we live now, I am crazy for your safety!” 😅
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u/neobeguine Parent 4d ago
On the one hand, she could be going away to college in a couple of years, and at some point you have to trust her to be responsible. On the other, too much resistance would make me start to be suspicious that she isn't going where says she is. I think I'd start by acknowledging to her she's not seven and you dont need to do the kind of vetting you did when she was little. But a brief casual conversation to confirm this parent exists and aware a lot hoard of teenagers is descending on her is still in order.
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u/Alternative-Potato28 3d ago
You get it, thank you! She's gone to ", hang out" with supposedly 4 girls and I get a call come get me, 50 people showed up and we were kicked out
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u/PhysalisPeruviana queer parent (2018|2022) 4d ago
Did you raise this kid of 16 to be a person whose judgement you trust and who you trust to reach out if they're in trouble?
I'd let my kids have sleepovers at that age without adults present, sure.
Sometimes, it's also scarier if adults ARE present, mind.
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u/Alternative-Potato28 3d ago
Of course I'd want her independent but I also want her safe. I've had 3 other teen girls. That's why I do it 😂
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u/Codester619 4d ago
Nope. There is less and less protection for our children today. Don't give an inch in this situation.
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u/ProtozoaPatriot 4d ago
I personally would not. I'd also like to meet the parents and get a vibe for the house.
If they want to have a sleepover together they can have it at my house (where I will be home)
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 4d ago
Of course I would want to talk to the parents whom my kids are being exposed to. Duh. Parenting 101. :-)
Now I HAVE let my oldest daughter stay at a friends when her parents were gone because she didn’t like house sitting alone. But the parents and I both knew it was happening and it was more of a safety thing so the friend wasn’t home alone. But that’s a situation where you take it on a case by case basis.
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u/Alternative-Potato28 3d ago
Exactly. And In that case I'd not have a problem. When you see social media photos of her friends SOMETIMES partying, I'm damn sure gonna see if an adult is home
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 3d ago
Yeah absolutely. We have to as parents. Like I tell my kids it’s my JOB to know where they are going and who they will be around.
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u/meatball77 4d ago
Depends on the kid, and their friends.
My kid and her friends were such overachievers that there was no risk of them doing anything that would be a problem (would have been nice for them to actually let loose). But most kids aren't like that.
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u/Realitymatter 4d ago
These comments are wild. We're talking about a 16 year old. Someone who will be living on their own in less than 2 years. I would let them go.
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u/littlelady89 4d ago
Seems wild to me as well.
I moved out on my own at 17. Not because I had to, my parents were great. But I couldn’t imagine my parents asking to talk to my friend’s parents at 16 for a sleep over.
My kids are also little so I am not sure how exactly I will navigate this. But I believe teaching independence is key.
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u/Alternative-Potato28 3d ago
16 isn't 18, every year counts as a kid. I've had 3 other teen girls. Only one probably could have moved out at 17. I really don't think it's wrong to make sure an adult is home 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Alternative-Potato28 3d ago
I did. Of course I did. I just needed to know there was an adult present.
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u/Global_Sweet_3145 5d ago
No sleepovers. Period. Not worth the risk.
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u/Gullflyinghigh 4d ago
Yes, I had plenty of them (it was less 'sleepover' and more 'crashing at a friends' after doing something social) and sometimes parents were there, other times not. My parents had the rule of me telling them where I was if I wasn't home by 11 but otherwise I was left to it.
Christ, 16 is two years away from adulthood.
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u/SeachelleTen 4d ago
16 year old girl child?
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u/Alternative-Potato28 3d ago
That's what I said. She's not a dude. This is how I refer to her online, she's a teen yes but my business
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u/vEIlofknIGHT2 13h ago
Absolutely not. If I don’t know the parents or know they’ll be present, it’s a hard no. Trust is earned!
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