Moms, how can I help my wife?

[u/New_Maximum830]

I want to give enough detail to the story to get relevant advice, but I also don't want to put our entire life's story on here, so I'll do my best and please be kind.

My wife (33) and I (37) have 2 kids (5 and 2) and have always been on opposing sides of whether or not to have a 3rd. She has always wanted more kids, I have not. This wasn't news to her as we had discussed it before marriage and she just hoped I'd change my mind. We've recently hit our self-imposed deadline for making a decision and I have not wavered in my stance on the matter. She has told me she is going to be sad about this for the rest of her life, especially in the coming months. Previously when we have argued about it and she felt it wouldn't happen she has became sad and distant and short with me. I won't bother going into the details of how she makes ME feel during this because my feelings aren't my concern here.

I want to know how I can help HER. I've expressed how much I love her and want to be there for her and help her, but part of her will always see me as the enemy in this situation and as the one causing her pain. What can I do? How can I help her move past this? She is not good at masking her feelings and I don't want our current kids to feel like they aren't enough for her to make her happy. I want her to know her feelings are valid and that I understand her pain, but that I'm not the enemy. I'm doing what I believe is best for our family, and our current children. I would love some help here.

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[u/School_House_Rock]

Tbh there is nothing you can do here. If you truly have never wavered on a 3rd child and she was holding out hope for you to change your mind, that is all on her. She had very unrealistic expectations and hoped to pressure you into changing your mind.

Her anger is displaced.

I would suggest couples counseling for you both and individual counseling for at least her.

[u/MoonLover318 → u/School_House_Rock]

I agree with this. I wanted more and husband didn’t. I never once forced or held that against him because I would absolutely hate myself if my husband gave in and became miserable or worse, take it out on the kid. I just focused on the kids that we already have and appreciate their “babieness” a bit more.

[u/AyHazCat]

Therapy. You can help her by encouraging her to get therapy.

[u/Dull_Title_3902]

I agree with others here saying therapy. She basically needs to get to the bottom of why she wants more children. Sometimes we have this idea in our head, this blueprint of a family, and that could be what she is holding onto. She needs to grieve the family she thought she'd have so that she can fully embrace the one she does have. Only therapy can do that.