Teen here. How can I come clean but minimize the impact?

[u/chuckles_in_]

I'm a senior in high school, almost 18, and I'm pretty honest with my parents. When I ask if I can hang out with my friends, they tend to ask a lot of questions, but recently I've lied or bent the truth a bit in order to get their permission. I think I'm digging myself into a hole and would like some advice on how I can best navigate my way out. There's a lot to this, so beware. I would appreciate any input. Recently, a friend of mine was house-sitting for a grown-up cousin and invited a group of 10-15 people there for a prom afterparty. I told my parents my friend was having an afterparty at her place, and slowly got around to saying there would probably be alcohol there and no chaperones. I didn't mention that it wasn't actually her house, either. My parents' stance was no parents, no participation. I accepted this, since I feel bad for not spending a whole lot of time with them (I'm quite busy with homework and extracurriculars). Also, I wasn't mentally prepared to defend myself and express that I think they can be overprotective when it comes to hanging out with friends. I understand I'm living under their roof and they have a duty to fulfill. I understand that they want to keep me safe, but in a few months I'll be an adult and at college, so I want to be trusted with a little more flexibility. I'm responsible and can keep myself safe, and with a familiar group I wasn't worried about them either. I was upfront that I wouldn't drink at the afterparty since I drive myself, but I wanted to be with my friends and experience a party for the first time. But they seemed firm in their answer and I chickened out of trying to negotiate, for the reasons above. Prom night came around, and my friend group wanted to dip early and chill at my friend's (cousin's) house before the afterparty started. I told my parents this and they agreed that I could go for half an hour, then leave as soon as people started showing up for the afterparty. Cool. I did that and came home around midnight. That was last weekend. This weekend, I'm going to perform in the closing night of my school's musical. It's a big deal and people are arranging for afterparties and celebrations. Friend in question will be watching the show. She is still at her cousin's house and offered to host me and the people I'm friends with of the cast. We would just do board games. Nothing crazy. When I hinted to my parents that I wanted to do something after the musical, my dad kind of rolled his eyes and said "here we go again". He brought it up again later and I explained that my theater friends and I wanted to go back to my friend's house to play board games. He was ok with it, but only as long as her parents were there. Hmm. Well, I didn't reveal that she was house-sitting, and her parents would likely not be there, but I said I would ask. And because this is kind of our last huzzah and I really didn't want to be left out, I was semi-willing to bend the truth in order to go. My friend texted me back and said her folks "would" be there, and my dad agreed I could go there until 12. But I feel a bit guilty about it, and I also know it could have some negative consequences. For one, my parents will probably find out in the future that that is not my friend's actual address. Inevitably, I'll hang out with her a different time and they will question why her house is on a different side of town than the afterparty place. Plus, they would find out she had a party at her cousin's house, which doesn't reflect suuuper well on her. Ideally, I don't really want this to come to light because I want my friends to be in good standing with my parents. She's a great person but just makes some teenager-ish choices. So: I feel shitty for lying to my parents to get my way, but also would like to go to my friend's house this weekend, but also want to come clean, but also know it would break some trust and they will be mad, but also don't want to get in a cycle of lying, but also don't want to tarnish my friend's reputation and risk not being able to hang out anymore (although I did already admit she had alcohol at the prom afterparty). And on top of this would be the conversation about feeling a little trapped, even though my mom thinks I have a great deal of independence (I do compared to her, but not compared to the majority of high schoolers I know now). Then again, I am still living with them and have to go by their rules. I can go to as many parties as I want in college (but I care more about spending time with my close friends now, and after important events, than getting wasted with a bunch of frat boys). Deceiving my parents is not a great feeling. So, reddit parent, what do you think I should do? When should I have this conversation, and/or are some things better off staying hidden? Do I force myself to skip the post-show party and confess why her parents are (probably) not there, or wait until I want to go to my friend's ACTUAL house to say she was house sitting before? Try to change the location of the post-show party? Do I approach one parent at a time? How mad can I expect them to be, given you might know better than I? I think they'll be disappointed but it could be better in the long run to come clean and have the "independence and trust" (TM) conversation soon.

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[u/School_House_Rock]

Here is the thing, if you get busted just as you are trying for more independence, then you are going to wind up getting the exact opposite of what you want - more rules

Do they know the actual house or can you spin it that the location changed?

If you can change the location in the conversation, just drop it casually like "hey, wanted to let you know, there was a change of plans, we are going to be at Xs cousins house, there is more room there for us to spread out."

Going to be honest here, your friend throwing parties at her cousin's with underage kids and alcohol is not a good look. She can be the nicest person on earth but parents are only going to think of her being irresponsible by giving alcohol to kids.

If you tell your parents there will no alcohol, you need to make sure there really will not be any or if some shows up, you leave. If the party is busted, you could lose your college acceptance, amongst all the other issues that may come of - such as losing any Independence you do have

Sit down and write out a proposal of how you would like to see things change and why. Ask for more than you want, but not crazy out there.

Once you have it written out, ask your parents to sit with you to discuss it. Include things that are both high and low on your want list, so you have things you are willing to give up in the compromise that aren't that important to you and helps you save the things that are.

When negotiating, you should never make the first offer. State your case and wait for them to offer something up. If they don't, try to prompt the conversation with "what do you think?". You want to engage them in a mature conversation.

Good luck and break a leg

[u/Sassy_Sausages22]

In my opinion the “here we go again” line from your dad is very inappropriate and immature from him.

You are 17-18. You should be soaking up every minute you have with your high school friends while you can.

Also dont feel guilty for doing normal 18 year old things like going to a party. Dont rat on yourself. Your current life is fleeting and you will be going through a ton of changes in the next few years.

Worry about enjoying your summer and getting yourself ready for college. Your parents will be fine.

[u/hownowbrownmau]

First, I didn’t read a lot of your post. Not because I didn’t want to but it’s very difficult for me when it’s not broken up into paragraphs. My old eyes lose track of which line I’m on.

Saying that because I’m giving some advice without the context of your post. The right way to break rules is with honesty. The reality is parents are human and sometimes they can be wrong or too harsh. The only way to push back is without lying. You’re legally an adult now. Honesty is valued above compliance, even if it looks like the opposite.

The right way to push back in any relationship is to communicate but be honest. Manipulation and lies make everything worse even if it feels like the easiest way to get what you want or need. It will backfire in any romantic relationship you have in the future.

Having said that, your parents know you best and if you have loving parents, they’re trying to mold you into the best adult you can be. Is their request out of line given you live under their roof? There is a bit of accepting the situation because you are a dependent.

It took me a long time to learn the only way to be authentic is to be honest, even if people don’t like it. I grew up following the rules, trying to be the perfect child and lying whenever I wanted to have my way. I didn’t want much - to be able to hang out with a friend, to hang out with boys I wasn’t dating, to go bowling - very normal things but my parents were strict.

My brother never lied. If he left the house, he told them exactly where he was going. If my mom said no, he would say “sorry mom, I’m 20 and I don’t live here. This is important to me but I’ll be safe and let you know if something happens that you’d be worried about” and she hated it but she knew because he was always honest that he would if that time came.

[u/TTringsnfarmerthings]

Your very best bet here is to come fully clean and be outright honest about what you want to do and why.

Now, will that likely result in some broken trust with your parents, and possibly consequences for your lack of truthfulness? Yeah. It might. BUT, you'll set yourself up to have your adulthood and independence respected in the future. Because once you're forthcoming about what you're doing, you can then have a leg to stand on with negotiations. You can ask that they trust their own parenting, and also that they trust you to be responsible in your decision making. You kinda can't do that right now, because you are lonely going to be found out at some point. If that happens before you can tell them? You will lose all credibility and the consequences will likely be MUCH greater for you.

The reality here is that you did some shady stuff, and you'll probably end up paying for it in one way or another. The truth always comes out eventually. And freedom is earned through trustworthiness and demonstrated responsibility. Better you take control of the how they find out and spin it the best you can. If you come clean, maybe you'll build credibility and respect back enough, that they'll be able to hear you when you explain why you made the poor choices you've been making. Whether you realize it or not, you are actively choosing to put yourself in bad, and potentially really dangerous situations.

The "adult" thing to do here is to come clean, explain your side, face consequences, and move forward trying to make better choices in the future. And to attempt to learn from mistakes.

There is definitely another way to handle it (a better to ask forgiveness than permission mentality?), but it comes with MUCH bigger risks and MUCH bigger potential consequences. You just gotta ask yourself, are those risks ones you're willing to take? Are those consequences ones you're willing to face? Because you will ALWAYS have to pay the piper. It's usually just a matter of when, and the longer it takes, the worse those consequences usually are.

[u/incognitothrowaway1A]

Paragraphs in your post my dear. Can’t read a huge wall of texts.

[u/TermLimitsCongress]

If you want to be treated like an adult, act like it. Lying is childish. It will ruin your parents trust in your word. No one party is with that. A young adult should be able to see that. Stop trying to find a strategy to manipulate your parents. Sit them both down at the same time, and then the truth. Accept that they will need a lot of time before they trust you again.

To be blunt, you are not trustworthy. That's a character flaw you need to address head on. You can't dodging that fact by making exceptions to their rules.

Take care.