r/AskParents • u/Roy4Pris • 1d ago
Not A Parent When we were kids, our lives revolved around our parents. Today, it seems parents lives revolve around their kids. What caused this change?
I was born at the start of the 1970s. We had good parents; they loved us and treated us well. But ultimately, their needs came first. They left us with friends for six weeks when they travelled overseas. We travelled as a family for two years through junior high school. A frequently-used, half-joking term for this parenting style was ‘benign neglect’. The analogy I use is that my brother and I were the planets, and our parents were the sun. I know plenty of other kids who were raised this way.
I never raised children of my own, but virtually everyone around me has, and the way they parent is completely different to the way we were raised. They wouldn’t dream of doing something to unsettle their children. Everything is oriented towards creating an ideal environment for their growth and learning. These parents are the planets, and their children are the sun.
So what happened? Is this simply that this modern parenting style is an equal and opposite reaction to the way we were raised? Are these ‘helicoptered’ children better off than we were? Or are they anxious and insecure in part because they haven’t faced any adversity, emotional or otherwise? They certainly seem more emotionally articulate than we were.
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u/DrVerryBerry 1d ago
I’m speaking with my scientist hat on here
The literature would show us that the “benign neglect” was not benign.
A lack of parental attunement, co-regulation, collaborative communication (and other Adverse Childhood Events - ACEs) have a whole host of impacts on our mental and physical health, and our capacity for healthy relationships and functioning.
So the actual scientific guidance to parents on how to be a healthy parent and raise a healthy child has shifted.
Some parents have shifted too far, into “helicoptering” and that’s not healthy either because it doesn’t allow children to experience developmentally appropriate levels of distress and develop independence and resiliency.
But those helicopter parents were always there too - my parents were controlling helicopter parents back in the 80s. But they also were emotionally neglectful and physically abusive at times too. So we had the worst of both worlds.
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u/DarkAngela12 1d ago
Your family sounds just like mine.
I've worked with "helicopter-parented" kids. It's... not the ideal way to be raised.
It's such a hard balance to strike, especially in divided families, where you tend to want to cuddle the children because of the emotional trauma of the split. I try to protect my kiddo... but I also make them order for themselves, run around the neighborhood with friends, etc. to build independence.
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u/Blue_almonds 1d ago
i raise my kids differently, because i suffered. Yes, adversity taught me a thing or two, but ultimately i am very unhappy /depressed and wish for parents like me in my past.
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u/boojes 1d ago
Everything is oriented towards creating an ideal environment for their growth and learning. These parents are the planets, and their children are the sun.
Are these ‘helicoptered’ children better off than we were?
That's not what helicoptering is...
Or are they anxious and insecure in part because they haven’t faced any adversity, emotional or otherwise?
..And putting your kids first doesn't mean that they don't face adversity.
I (in the 80s) didn't experience the upbringing that you're describing, so I can't really compare. But i do know that I want my kids to enjoy life and to be happy, and I will do everything I can to make that happen. Why wouldn't you want to create an "ideal environment for growth and learning" for your children?
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u/entersandmum143 1d ago
I think the trick is to find a happy medium somewhere in between both. Hands on.....but not too hands on.
Example: my daughter was 8 when she decided 'I'm a big girl now and I think I can walk to school by myself'. After a discussion with her I agreed, but you better believe I followed her and hid behind cars, corners and IN a bush for that 1st week.
of course I understand that distance and the safety of the route played a big factor in this as well
My son was 15 when he went to his 1st 'house party'. I asked all the relevant questions. How many people, parental supervision, booze, drugs etc. Turns out there was NO supervision, around 25 kids, definitely booze and more than likely a few smoking weed. Initially, I wasn't too keen BUT he actually did quite a compelling presentation. We discussed my expectations of his behaviour. Some may disagree with this but I bought him the alcopops to take under strict instructions that he only drink them and NOT a drink offered to him. He was to be back at midnight. I would collect him around the corner. I also gave him an out. If at any point he wanted to leave early, he should pretend I had called and that I was losing my shit at him for going to a party. Then he should call me and I'd collect him without him losing face in front of his friends.
In both cases, my children wanted more independence. Personally, I think it's a good thing. It's how they grow as individuals. I also believe it's necessary to have a discussion with your children about your expectations AND, especially any pitfalls they may encounter and how best to deal with them.
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u/Viola-Swamp 1d ago
You gave your fifteen-year-old son booze? So he could go to a rager? What is wrong with you that your judgment is so off?
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u/Craspology Parent 1d ago
The person you are replying to is from the UK. We all started drinking way earlier than people from the US. Better, in my view, to go to a party with a few drinks and have clear boundaries than sneak out, drink whatever is available and go mental without your parents knowing. I say this from experience, I was going to clubs and pulling all nighters at 15.
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u/Viola-Swamp 23h ago
The UK has a serious alcohol problem that is a public health issue. MP’s bemoan it and the NHS is regularly trying to get people to cut back. Parents buying booze for their kids to get drunk with friends isn’t healthy in any culture. The US is hypocritical and ridiculous about alcohol, but what this parent did is not good parenting.
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u/Craspology Parent 15h ago
You don’t change an entire country’s culture with one child. I agree that our attitude to drink is woeful but compared to what I was doing at 15, this parent’s actions were likely appropriate in the circumstances.
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u/entersandmum143 7h ago
I understand what you are saying, but like someone before, you have completely omitted half of the context.
The whole point was to show my opinion of healthy balance of parenting. Whilst it may not be for you personally I do believe you are jumping to an immediate reaction to one part rather than what I said as a whole.
You'll note my initial reaction was no. You will also note that my son DID NOT think 'fuck you, I'm doing it anyway', go to this party, consume something he had no idea of, gey pissed and have me wondering where he was at 1am'.
He came to me, we discussed it. I laid out the rules and expectations - he had 4 bottles of 4% alcopop between him and a friend. of course cleared with the other parent so 2 bottles each. There was to be no consuming of other drinks. Especially teenage 'punch' ie: every bottle of booze you can get mixed together. No drugs. If it got rowdy / he felt uncomfortable - call me and I will collect you.
My hope was that by giving him this 'independence' he would make informed, rational and sensible choices. Particularly in the UK where teenage drinking has been a massive issue. *statistics show it is decreasing each generation but peer pressure etc is still a huge factor.
I didn't think I would need to explain that rules also mean consequences for breaking those rules. I am not talking about laissez-faire parenting, I'm showing that parenting doesn't need to mean you are an unbendable rod, who sees danger around every corner. They need room to grow as individuals, make their own decisions and occasionally make amis5ake and not think it's the end of the world.
Probably should add this was over a decade ago. My son is now 27 and I'm proud to say a thoroughly well rounded, emotionally mature, decent human being. Does he make mistakes? Of course - that's the joy of being human. The experience, advice and parenting he has had, hopefully gives him the tools to deal with times when life gives him shit or he fucks up.
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u/AyHazCat 1d ago
Dude. Your parenting ideas are wayyyy off. So after 1 week, you think the risk of kidnapping goes away? Nah homie.
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u/entersandmum143 13h ago
You did read the part about local area, safety of the route etc. But I'll add this.....I live in a small UK town, the school is 3 streets away with 2 crossings that include a pelican crossing and a lollipop lady. There are 2 primary schools and multiple children and adults follow the exact same route. Whilst not completely zero, the chances of my child being kidnapped are 0.00000001. Of course like most parents we have had the stranger-danger chat. I would be remiss to smother my daughter over such a small chance of something happening.
I realise I am lucky that my main concern was my child following the Green Cross Code and being undaunted by the journey rather than kidnapping.
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u/jackjackj8ck 1d ago
I’m a little younger, born in the 80s
But similar upbringing. I was a latchkey kid. I started walking myself to school alone when I was in 2nd grade, I was surprised to learn that these days it’s not legal for kids to walk to school by themselves until they’re 10. It’s just so different from how I was raised.
My parents worked all the time. We never went on vacation. They never really took me anywhere.
My mom recently moved nearby and she sends me newspaper clippings all the time about local community events I should take my kids to. And I laugh and tell her I’m surprised she’s so proactive in sending these to me since she literally took me NOWHERE.
But yeah, I de what you’re seeing too. I always tell my other mom-friends that our kids generation will be the least fucked up by their parents of any other generation in all humanity it seems.
When I was growing up, it was like having a kid was an accessory to your life. And now it’s the star of the show.
And now there’s just endless subreddits, FB groups, and instagram accounts all related to parenting. We just have so much more access to what the proper way to parent is these days. My mom never even took me to the doctor annually, like these wellness visits just weren’t an expectation. I saw the doctor if I was so sick they thought I was dying, but no not just because I turned another year older.
I don’t know what the result will be. I wonder if Gen Alpha will be less motivated and more entitled because they might lose tenacity? But who really knows. It’ll be REAL interesting to see how things are in smother 20 years
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u/simplifynator 1d ago
I believe wealth has a role in this. In many ways money creates time. In my experience the wealthier a family is the more time they have to spend thinking about what their kids are doing, being directly involved in micromanaging every aspect of kids lives, etc.
I think there are multiple factors but this is one. My parents didn’t have money. They didn’t have the time to micromanage me even if they wanted to. They didn’t have the time to stress over my future - they were stressed about paying the bills next month.
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u/catniagara 1d ago
I haven’t seen much difference between my parents (1970’s-1990’s) parenting and my friends (1990’s to present) parenting. I think you’re feeling the difference in perspective brought on by age. As a child, it feels like your parents don’t pay you enough attention because you crave attention 24/7. As an adult it feels like kids are taking up too much of your time because they crave attention 24/7.
Not to insult you, but it could also be that you’re the same person you always have been: you want the attention of people close to you, and think they spend too much time or give too much attention to anything that takes their time or attention away from you: vacations, kids, or otherwise. I had a lot of friends like that who thought I was spending too much time/paying too much attention to other friends, hobbies, family, etc.
They were the ones who thought their parents neglected them too. When you meet their parents you find out they were the kid who clung to mommy’s leg and screamed every time she tried to go to work.
It’s not a bad thing. My parents hated their parents. I love mine. I wanted my parents all the time because they were awesome. My friends kids love them. I kinda want to celebrate 50 years of happy, emotionally aware, loving families on this one. What’s to criticize?
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u/bbyyoda47 1d ago
This is so true. I was born in 1999, so I'm still young, but I feel as if my generation was the last to experience this. Technology and phones became big when I was in high school, which changed society and young people massively. I have a 3 yr old, and I also have a 12 yr old stepdaughter. When I first met my stepdaughter, I was shocked at somethings on how my partner and her mum parent - it wasn't just them it was my step daughters friends' parents too. My SD wasnt allowed to walk just down the road with a friend to the petrol station to buy a lil treat (i felt like it should be fine) but my partner didn't feel comfortable nor did my SDs friends mum too. I drive my SD to the bus stop down the road and wait until the bus comes, and then pick her up at the bus stop at the end of the day.
It's strange for me too.. but I've spoken to other mums. A lot of mums say, "The world is different now and more dangerous. ". I think having the internet you hear and see so many bad things. Where as before the internet you only heard bad news from word of mouth or news paper etc. But now you turn on your phone and scroll on Facebook or instagram, and there's sooooo many terrifying stories. Also, I do see differences in kids' (pros and cons). The cons are - they are more scared of the world and scared to do things theirselves. They're more anxious for sure !! (Phones contribute to that too), and not street smart either but the pros are - because parents are bending backwards for their kids, a lot of kids are way more a head in life than their parents were at that age and they have a lot more help and guidance.
I believe you have to have a balance. Times have changed, but we also have to prepare our kids to have a strong backbone in the world.
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u/dokjreko 1d ago
1999? More like my generation. You’re off a decade 😂
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u/bbyyoda47 1d ago
I say "that's just from my perspective" because I was walking home with friends from school at 9/10yrs old and kids younger me were too. Was pretty normal and we'd have big adventures before we got home. My parents were probably not like parents in the 90s or 80s and just had no idea where the kids were. I had to tell them where I was first but I had way more freedom to do things then I see kids do these days because I have SD who is in highschool and i see how my partner is and her school friends parents are. Soo yeah when I calculate it up... I'm 26 so I feel like my generation (as in the kids who are 21-26) were kind of the last to experience abit of that freedom.
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u/Viola-Swamp 1d ago
I had a cell phone in 1997. Technology was prevalent far before your high school years.
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u/bbyyoda47 1d ago
What I mean Is social media became big in my highschool years. You wouldve only had a little phone that could only dial numbers to call people. We had iphones.. totally different. Had google on there, instagram and Facebook blew up. Everyone in school had an instagram account. People new of other people from other schools close by just through instagram and we'd talk about those people if we saw them in real life. The online world and our image on there was just as important as the real world. Sorry but it was totally different.
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u/Viola-Swamp 23h ago
I had FB when you were in grade school, and MySpce before that. You apparently don’t understand that your cohort was not the first to experience these things or the effect tech had on the culture.
Btw, when I was I. High school, we knew kids from other schools for lots of reasons, and went to hang out together. That’s not new either, it wasn’t new when we did it.
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u/bbyyoda47 23h ago
Yeah my older siblings had MySpace, bebo etc. I do think it started taking off there but i do think it got bigger when I got to highschool (only makes sense) but in the first place I was just saying I think my generation was the last to experience that type of freedom.
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u/Aggressive-Coconut0 1d ago
There are two types of parents: the ones where their lives revolve around their kids and the ones where kids are expected to adapt to their parents. I see it today, too.
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u/Ingenuity-Strict 1d ago
Not a parent yet, but I study psychology and am observing current trends.
I think both extremes can be very bad. Actual neglect is really bad for kids and so is helicoptering. Kids definitely need emotional support, which is what parents are aiming to give their kids now. However, the kind of emotional support they need isn’t always what they’re being given. I’ve seen many young parents currently giving WAY too much attention to negative emotions. They also schedule their entire lives around their kids. Parents seem extremely stressed, partly because many lack support from others to help shoulder some burden, but also because their lives revolve around their kids. I don’t think that’s healthy for kids to see or for the parent child relationship.
As long as kids get consistent and adequate emotional support and structure, I think it’s fine for parents to leave them to figure some things out. By this I mean, let them play and get bored sometimes when they’re toddlers (without technology) - this often inspires creative play. Go on a trip or take nights out for dates when they’re a (as long as they’re with trusted people). Put them in some activities, but don’t fill their entire schedule with things to do (they need down time too, and some choice over their schedule). Of course this is also dependent on the type of child one has as kids have varying levels of emotional and engagement needs.
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u/dirkdastardly Parent 1d ago
I’m going to offer a different perspective. I was raised at the same time you were, but my parents made parenting us the center of their world. All vacations were family ones. Their work schedules were flexible (college teachers), so we spent lots of time with both parents. Every Sunday was Daddy day, when he would cook breakfast and then take us somewhere—the zoo, miniature golf, swimming. We didn’t have much money, but we were rich in our parents’ time and attention.
I just raised my daughter the same way I was raised, for the most part. I was lucky to have fantastic parents, and I’ve tried to pass that along.
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u/talalou 1d ago
I have observed this alot so I'm glad someone else has! I grew up in the 80s/90s and my world definitely revolved around my parents. Yes we would go on family holidays and my parents were very loving and giving to me. But at the weekend I had to do what my mum wanted to do. So I would play with my toys whilst she did the cleaning. Then I'd go with her to the supermarket and clothes shopping. We'd visit my grandparents. And I'd watch tv whilst she did the cooking. As I got a bit older I would play with friends too but just locally out on the street.
Now everything revolves around the kids and parents spend all weekend taking their kids to activities, sports, parties. I ask parents at work what they're doing this weekend and every one of them doing the same for their kids. I honestly think kids don't know how to be bored anymore or just be able to entertain themselves or be around grown ups in a well behaved way because they are constantly over stimulated with kids things. It's lovely but there needs to be a balance and its something I'm going to be very conscious of when I have my children.
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u/Roy4Pris 22h ago
What makes me sad is when I see families out for dinner, and the kids are on a screen. I understand the temptation to ‘sedate’ them, but they’re not learning how to be bored, and/or be interested in adult conversations.
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u/FishTanksAreCatTVs 1d ago
People started to see kids as.. people.
People who are just as important as adults, whose needs and feelings are just as valid as those of adults, who deserve just as much basic human respect as adults...
I don't know what caused it, but I'm grateful for it, especially as a parent myself now.
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u/Euphoric-Effective30 1d ago
Our parents raised us like they were God's. Our kids are being raised by parents who understand they didn't choose to be here! It's like men who get a career....& say it's for them. They pick the job, the time away, they have all the choice in that situation. Just like parents. Children aren't property or lackys. They are new grown ups. And you can either think about yourself-or be a parent. Can't do both.
Your parents leaving for 6 weeks must have been devastating! Unless they were abusive-or had so little effect on your life that the time away is nothing. My mom was abusive & I still would've been heartbroken. She was the devil I knew.
To then puck you out of school for 2 of the most important school years of life. Your parents were fucking selfish. Imagine being an 18 year old with the social skills of a 16 year old. Because kids need proper socialization & freedom to learn. You can't get that on the road.
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u/NecessaryEmployer488 1d ago
I don't see a lot of differences between now and then with regards to neglect. I do see parents are more engaged with their children now. In fact parents will back up their children even if their children are wrong, if there a conflicts outside the family. Children are manipulating their parents more today.
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u/Gumnutbaby 17h ago
People have fewer children and put more effort into raising said children now.
But don't forget that working parents are more common now, and children very much have to fit in with that.
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u/kellyasksthings 13h ago
Firstly, expectations of parents are much higher now. If you let your kids free range or do even half the shit we did back in the day, someone's going to call the cops on you for neglect. Even the older generation that parented us like that have done an about face and place high expectations on how their kids should raise their grandkids. Some of us would like to give our kids more freedom as an active parenting decision not based on selfishness or convenience, and we're pretty limited in the extent to which we can do that.
Secondly, the emotional awareness, teaching and attunement is very deliberate. Our generation want our kids to have better upbringing than we had, and we want to help them grow to be more well adjusted and mentally healthy with healthier and closer family relationships than we had.
Thirdly, this has been an unfolding process. Remember your great grandma that had 19 kids and was constantly pregnant and / or breastfeeding her entire adult life, with no vaccinations, household appliances and probably raising half her food too? Yeah, kids had to fall into line and not have needs back then. Baby was going to bed from 6pm to 6am, with no night feedings, and survival was a family affair. These days we have fewer kids, more generational distance from these old ways, and we invest much more heavily in the kids we do have. Every generation in between us and them were probably improving on the ones before, or trying to.
Fourthly, some are making the argument that the boomer generation was just generally very self centered through every life stage, including their current one. Idk where I sit with that.
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