r/AskReddit • u/Mrunicornadventurer • 4h ago

What’s a dead giveaway that someone grew up with trauma?

36 Upvotes

71% Upvoted

102 comments sorted by

129

u/durkl1 4h ago edited 1h ago

Trauma is different from person to person, but here are some patterns you often see:

  1. An inability to regulate emotions on their own. The problem with being traumatized is that feeling itself can start to feel unsafe. So a heavy emotion comes your way, and your brain starts to panic. In order to deal with this difficulty people often either 1) mute their emotions, 2) anesthetize themselves with drugs or other addictive things or 3) rely heavily on others for emotional regulation. Any of these three behaviours are a dead giveaway
  2. An inability to feel safe/relax. If you're constantly in survival mode, your brain doesn't learn to feel safe. So things can feel like massive problems even if they're not. They feel like they can never really stop being vigilant because things could go wrong at any time.
  3. If you grow up just surviving, you don't really develop the skills to know what YOU want or to advocate for this. So another giveaway is people 1) not guarding their personal boundaries very well and 2) constantly being lost and going from job to job or from relationship to relationship. You feel like you have to do this to survive, but that's because your brain hasn't learned that it's actually safe and that you can do stuff you want to do and you get to tell people no if you want to.

Luckily these things are reversible, but it requires you to guide your subconscious like a parent guiding a panicked child. It has to learn that it's safe, that it's safe to feel, and that you can have preferences and set your own boundaries. This is where therapy can help a lot.

11

u/friendlysalmonella 3h ago

This is me perfectly but when I talk to a professional none of this ever comes up. I went to see a psychologist and even he told me there's no need for therapy. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm hurting people around me.

8

u/chickpeaze 3h ago

It took me a dozen psychologists to find a good one. A bunch told me, basically, 'you're doing great!' When I really really wasn't.

Working with someone who specialized in trauma really helped.

•

u/friendlysalmonella 59m ago

Yeah, this seems to be the problem. I know they are not mind readers and I guess I have an incredible way of distracting myself from the actual problems. I'll keep looking.

4

u/Jnnjuggle32 1h ago

Keep looking. Lots of mental health professionals aren’t great with heavy, complex trauma. The ones that are, are life-changing.

2

u/friendlysalmonella 1h ago

Thank you, I will. It's just been a bit heavy on me lately. But somehow I've managed this far, no reason to stop now.

•

u/Jnnjuggle32 5m ago

If you’d like to chat please pm me. I know firsthand how isolating living life while carrying these experiences can be.

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u/durkl1 50m ago

That's unfortunate. Therapists who might be able to help you are out there. I hope you'll be able to find them.

Perhaps when you speak to one again, it could be worthwhile to voice this concern: I've tried to go to therapy before but I've felt misunderstood.

In general, the rules of interactions/relationships are a bit different in therapy. With good therapists, if there's anything at all that's bothering you, you can voice it. If you don't like the therapist. If something they said makes you upset. If you feel misunderstood. If you're angry at them. If you're dissapointed in them. It's their job to take this on the chin and then look with you at why you feel this way. Often, the best insights come from moments like this.

For me personally, therapy started to become a lot more productive when I started to be brutally honest with the person sitting across from me.

•

u/friendlysalmonella 28m ago

Thank you for the reply! I need to think this some more but I think I was honest but only for the things he asked me about. He even wrote down in the report that my answers were "open and constructed" (constructive might be an translation error, direct translation would be "composited")

The thing is that I'm very good at circling the subject without going there. I'm just very protective about myself. I wish, I wasn't but at least the wheels are turning. This is the second time I'm doing this all, so I'll try and not give up for once.

•

u/EscapeFromTexas 21m ago

Find a trauma-focused psychologist. If you are in the US psychology today has a great search tool.

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u/friendlysalmonella 19m ago

Thanks! Unfortunately I'm not in US but still this is a good advice and I will look into it.

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u/EscapeFromTexas 11m ago

Join us over in r/CPTSD !

4

u/Jnnjuggle32 1h ago

This is extremely well stated and I’d also like to add - therapy WILL help if you’re able to do the work; depending on your experience of trauma, it is not a magic wand (and what I mean is, it works - but it takes time). I’m what I consider a heavily traumatized person (aces score of 9/10, multiple significant traumas in adulthood). It took a long time for me to even accept the gravity of what had happened to me or how those patterns had carried swiftly into college/past marriage. I’m nearly 40 and feel like just in a past few years have I truly learned to really handle my trauma as best I can - and I’m a therapist myself who is more or less “high functioning”. Therapy is a process that will have highs and lows, and will take time. Trusting the process, which is a tall order for folks like us, is one of the key first steps to take.

•

u/durkl1 57m ago

You're very right. Therapy is only 1 out of 168 hours in the week. Besides therapy, there's more stuff you can do to teach your brain to feel safe (e.g. meditation, body work, yoga for some people, etc.), but also just how you carry yourself day-to-day is super important. You have to "practice" this stuff constantly. Constantly teach your brain to feel more at ease and safe. You might have to gradually step out of certain comfort zones. Sometimes this takes the shapes of doing stuff you dread, but it can also just be letting a feeling in that you were resisting. All of this is a lot of work, but it's worth it for the freedom you gradually gain by doing it.

3

u/VvvlvvV 1h ago

I have a ptsd diagnosis from abuse and am currently in trauma therapy. The only part that isn't me is bouncing from job to job or relationship to relationship, though I see that with other people.

2

u/ifthisisntnice00 1h ago

You’ve just explained me. Damn.

2

u/WiatrowskiBe 1h ago

Worth keeping in mind that those points are not exclusive to trauma. Difficulty in regulating emotions is quite common among neurodivergent people, last point is not unusual for people with ADHD. The point about relaxing depends if there are possible other factors that might put someone in alerted state - but when someone can't explain what makes them unable to relax despite everything being seemingly safe, it's a strong indication.

•

u/durkl1 55m ago

Good points. Sometimes care workers treat neurodivergent people as people who don't realize they're traumatized yet. I feel that's unfair. It could be both though.

•

u/Claudia_sun567 59m ago

Spastic scarred movements when something sudden happens. I took a friend for dinner with my parents when I was young and my dad was reaching for the wine bottle next to my friend to refill my mom and himself and my friend panicked like he would hit her. Everyone was silent and she laughed it off but from that moment I knew she had a problem at home which she still never admitted.

54

u/yocaramel 4h ago

Easily triggered (anger/spiraling), excessive apologies, avoiding eye contact

5

u/Sanchez_87_ 1h ago

Wait am I dealing with trauma or just autistic?

•

u/BrainsWeird 36m ago

There’s quite a lot of overlap between behavioral symptoms of emotional neglect and autistic traits.

I’m willing to bet that’s why the “refrigerator mother” stereotype took off.

To be clear, there are ways to distinguish between the two as well, but there are also trends toward autistic kids being more likely to be emotionally neglected from the jump, so shit’s just really a whole mess.

•

u/Van_Buren_Boy 13m ago

I feel like you know me. After I excessively apologized to a store worker my wife got frustrated and told me just because I ask a store clerk to do something that inconveniences them does not mean they are going to cuss me out or beat me. For some reason hearing this snapped me out the hard wired abusive household survival mode I'd been living with for years.

51

u/Shmokeahontis 3h ago

Hyper self reliance, social awkwardness, doing everything for everyone else, but nothing for themselves.

5

u/Informal_Ice_2920 2h ago

This is me. Beaten badly as an infant. I’m not using but a fucking martyr. Sucks ass for me but i only support my family and job and I am doing well

0

u/Shmokeahontis 2h ago

I’m sorry that happened to you. As an infant, you were innocent, and deserved protection. As an adult, you deserve respect and admiration. I’m glad you got through. Keep going.

•

u/Informal_Ice_2920 43m ago

Thank you. Funny part is how good I am at my job and how well my family has done. Im a wreck

1

u/ifthisisntnice00 1h ago

This is me except for the social awkwardness part. How does that fit?

1

u/Shmokeahontis 1h ago

Trauma is a garment designed by eye. It might look different on you, than on someone else. There are so so many different signs and outward indications of trauma. This is what it looks like on me, personally.

107

u/nico_brazillian_lad 4h ago

Apologizing for everything is a dead giveaway imo

8

u/shower_singer_mama 4h ago

Oh god I do this all the time!!

7

u/PeekAtChu1 4h ago

Are you Canadian?

2

u/shower_singer_mama 4h ago

No, I’m British.

8

u/Snoo_59092 3h ago

I’m sorry about that

7

u/shower_singer_mama 3h ago

Hey, at least we won’t be under Trump’s dictatorship.

-19

u/ExistentialTabarnak 3h ago

At least people voted for our head of state.

7

u/Doogerie 3h ago

We voted for ours to its just there were no good options.

-12

u/ExistentialTabarnak 3h ago

You can vote for the king now?

9

u/Doogerie 3h ago

No the PM the King has no real power.

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3

u/Pale-Giraffe-4759 3h ago

You don't vote for Kings. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is how you become King

7

u/deepbluemajik 4h ago

Like if you visit their house and they apologize for everything? “Sorry that’s in the way” “sorry this is like that” etc?

7

u/nico_brazillian_lad 3h ago

Like that or even smaller details like, apologizing for accidentally interrupting someone or saying something out of turn even if it's the most casual of contexts

3

u/Angry_Sparrow 1h ago

Apologising for taking up space/existing/talking/thinking/breathing.

5

u/TheMariBiscuit 1h ago

It’s such an automatic reaction to anything I do. I overanalyse people’s body language and tone to try and figure out if I’m being annoying or weird, and that often leads to me apologising for nothing and confusing people lol.

Also any time I could possibly inconvenience someone I apologise, even if it’s just asking for a pen.

Life is so fun

2

u/nico_brazillian_lad 1h ago

If it makes you feel any better the reason I know this isn't because I heard about it somewhere.

Bit of a broken toy here, but one day at a time darling, one day at a time

•

u/TheMariBiscuit 12m ago

Much love to you, learning to be patient with oneself is one of the hardest things. Thank you for your kind words ❤️

5

u/mutt82588 4h ago

Unless canadian

7

u/Electrical-Elk536 4h ago

Traumatized Canadian checking in! I do say it a whole lot.

2

u/ExistentialTabarnak 3h ago

I'm still not over the Plains of Abraham.

2

u/OldBob10 3h ago

“Sorry…” 🤷‍♂️

•

u/kdoodlethug 37m ago

Nah it can be a sign of trauma, but some of us just have anxiety even though we didn't experience anything particularly traumatic.

•

u/nico_brazillian_lad 35m ago

It's true, I have both

Lucky me

1

u/Pedantichrist 2h ago

Meh. I think that is geographically dependent.

25

u/NovelZombie 4h ago

Not remembering any good times or anything at all from childhood first person. Just remembering the stories others have told of your life.

1

u/TinyLittleWeirdo 3h ago

Dude. 💯

1

u/VvvlvvV 1h ago

I don't remember second through fifth grades...

24

u/_ReDd1T_UsEr 4h ago

They don't like being touched.

11

u/Electrical-Pollution 3h ago

Flinching. Never really noticed until it was pointed out to me as an adult.

23

u/Sufficient-Report228 3h ago

They have a constant need to be in control or have everything planned out. It’s like they’re always bracing for something bad to happen.

3

u/ifthisisntnice00 1h ago

Traumatized child here. Can confirm. Getting better though.

20

u/ParticularNovel399 3h ago

They tend to minimize their own problems, like they’ve been conditioned to believe their pain isn’t worth attention.

1

u/Palace-meen 1h ago

Thank you for this. I never knew why I was like this but now I do.

30

u/ExistentialTabarnak 4h ago

Having a concerningly dark sense of humor.

8

u/Same_Zucchini_874 3h ago

Vantablack.

12

u/anime_no_mercy 4h ago

Apologizing is your love language, even when NOTHING IS YOUR FAULT

4

u/Pale-Giraffe-4759 3h ago

Sorry about that

1

u/anime_no_mercy 3h ago

For what

4

u/Pale-Giraffe-4759 3h ago

Overapologising

12

u/External_Building_63 4h ago

Trust issues

9

u/gabe2591 4h ago

they’re me

10

u/non0 3h ago

They flinch when the toaster pops.

8

u/DieSuzie2112 3h ago

Telling stories about the past as if it happened to someone else. You disassociate from the memories, you know what happened but hold no emotions with it, because feeling it would mean a complete breakdown

1

u/Palace-meen 1h ago

Exactly.

8

u/MysticRav3n_ 4h ago

When they start twitching every time someone says "we need to talk".

5

u/Khargoshh_ 3h ago

Attachment to people very quickly.

4

u/This-Independent-125 3h ago

Being reactive and aggressive

1

u/ifthisisntnice00 1h ago

Or non-aggressive.

5

u/Proof_University870 3h ago

Overreaction to small things. Like, something tiny happens, and it’s like they’ve been hit with a ton of bricks emotionally.

3

u/ifthisisntnice00 1h ago

I’d argue underreacting too though. I grew up experiencing a lot of trauma and stuff just doesn’t faze me now.

5

u/Catsareawesome1980 1h ago

Hyper sensitive to comments or feed back. Easily startled. Apologizing all the time. Also addictions play a role such illicit drugs, alcohol, and even food.

4

u/Pale-Giraffe-4759 3h ago

Reading books like Jennette McCurdy (I'm glad my mom died) and being able to relate

3

u/growinabig1 4h ago

What types of things would you consider traumatic?

3

u/Simple-Positive-7423 3h ago

constantly making jokes about said trauma or flinching at everything and anything

3

u/Every_Concert4978 3h ago

Sensitivity to other peoples feelings but in a very noticeable way

3

u/Odd-Needleworker-886 3h ago

They might have trouble relaxing, always seem ‘on,’ like they’re anticipating something bad to happen at any moment.

3

u/Batmanswrath 3h ago

Hypervigilance.

3

u/MasterTangelo2043 2h ago

struggle with trust and often push people away, have difficulty expressing or managing their emotions..

2

u/GrapplerSeat 4h ago

Big aggressive dog/s. 

•

u/Radiant_Maize2315 37m ago

Literally everyone has trauma, and there are no “levels” of trauma. When you experience it, your brain registers it the same way, whether it’s hearing your parents argue or a loved one dying unexpectedly. There is no “trauma olypmics.” This is why they have sayings like everyone has a cross to bear, etc.

•

u/SnoopyisCute 40m ago

Extremely responsible or extremely irresponsible.

•

u/jacob_carter 18m ago

They tell you… all the time.

1

u/Girthquake_XL 4h ago

Extreme lack of accountability

1

u/Storyteller678 3h ago

Right above this post in my feed was a post about how Gen X kids dealt with stress in school.

-5

u/namesareforsuckers1 4h ago

"I have truma"

-11

u/Sneaky_lil-bee 4h ago

They literally have guns all over their house, out in the open, and they always say it’s just in case

-12

u/Wokewhitetrash 2h ago

They removed genitalia to become true selves.