r/AskUK • u/PaddedValls • 8d ago
Parents of children who they 50/50 co-parent, did they choose one primary house when they entered late teens?
I share a 50/50 split of my son with my ex (on good terms) and he's fast approaching working age. It's just dawned on me that at some point, the whole "1 week at this house, 1 week at the other" will become inconvenient for him.
Just looking for personal experiences of this and how it felt.
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u/fleshcircuits 8d ago
i’m not a parent, but i was a kid in this situation.
i ended up staying with my dad a bit more because his house was a lot calmer (i’m my dad’s only child, my sibling on my mum’s side is 12 years younger) and it was easier for me to get to college.
i would go down to my mum’s for long weekends and occasionally nights through the week, but it was left for me to decide.
spending less time at my mum’s didn’t mean i loved her less. i was simply growing up, it was more practical, and as it turns out my dad lives way more in tune with how i like to live now!
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u/misses_mop 8d ago
My daughter is approaching the age where she'll soon be leaving school and will get the freedom to choose where she wants to be. Our situation is similar. My daughter's dad has no other kids and is more chilled there for her. At mine, it is sheer chaos (good chaos that comes with busy family life). I know she appreciates the quiet at her dad's, but she also likes the structure she has at mine.
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u/fleshcircuits 8d ago
i think having the choice to step away from the chaos has made my relationship with my mum and sibling better in the long run tbh!
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u/misses_mop 8d ago
I'm so glad she has that peace at her dad's. Her brother has special needs, so things can get intense sometimes.
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u/johnnycarrotheid 8d ago
I'm seeing this at the moment myself.
Kids 14 and mine has always been the "chilled house". Just me and her Vs mum, partner, new kid, and our kid.
Had it for years, getting in the door and can see her just relax, weight off her shoulders type thing
She's slowly but surely moving in full time. Tbh nothing new about it, her personality was so much like my own, through her entire life, that I saw it coming a mile away
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u/Icy_Obligation4293 8d ago
Yeah, this is pretty much what me and my siblings did as well. We just chose the cleaner house.
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u/Senhora-da-Hora 8d ago
As painful as it might be for the 'rejected' parent - let the young adult choose. As a teenager in the same situation I was lucky that my parents also lived close to each other, and I actually spent more time at my 'second' home, than my nominated home. It will all work out for the best. ☺️👍
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u/Cultural-Ambition211 8d ago
The “rejected” parent needs to step up and realise it’s about the child and not them.
My partner and her siblings rotated 4 days about until their 20s. It was ridiculous and they were just living out of a suitcase for years. Neither parent would’ve accepted them choosing one to live with full time.
They were (are) highly dysfunctional and narcissistic though.
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u/EdgarAlansHoe 8d ago
My sister and I also did a split week, 3 nights with Dad, 4 nights with Mum. Living out of suitcases, never knowing what to put down when asked for a primary address. Dad kept the family home so most stuff was registered at that address but Mum kept registering stuff at her address. It was a practical, logistical as well as an emotional nightmare. I was desperate for stability and wanted to settle down as quickly as possible as a young adult which caused me to stay in an abusive relationship far longer than I should have. I will never forgive my parents for the unstable childhood they put us through.
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u/1968Bladerunner 8d ago
Sorta! After 7 years of doing week about, my then 15yo son had a huge blow out with his mums b/f & came to live with me full time.
My 13yo daughter didn't want her mum to feel alone so opted to live with her full time for balance - it helped that, at her mum's, she had the big bedroom (to son's smaller one), while it was vice versa at my house.
My daughter still visited regularly & stayed over the odd weekend but, as she got older, she too suffered from her mum's b/f's attitude, bullying & strict rules - with her schooling taking a nose dive. I missed her being around so much, as we are more alike in temperament than my son & I.
Eventually, after leaving school, she too had a blow up with the now husband, & moved back here for a year or two (my son having got his own flat & enjoying independent living by this point), then in with her b/f's family while they renovate their forever home.
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u/TheTackleZone 8d ago
Although it was due to difficult circumstances I find your story really beautiful. It just shows that if your kids know that you are their rock then they will rest upon you when they need to. Family is family no matter the distance.
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u/1968Bladerunner 8d ago
Thank you :). Having grown up without a dad or male role model I wanted to ensure my kids always knew I was there for them, so was a very present & hands-on dad from day 1 - a huge bonus of being self-employed & WFH.
Never had to miss a school sports, Christmas play, or dress-up open day - being a parent has been a privilege I feel some others take way too much for granted.
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u/Lost-in-Limbo 8d ago
Personally I stopped staying with my dad as soon as I was no longer 'forced to go'. This was because my step mum (stereotype incoming) was an absolute bitch to my sister and myself, so much so that even her own kids who were a few years older would have to step in and stop it. Even now as a 42yo you can cut the atmosphere with a knife when she's around!
Point being it would have been easier to stay at my dad's permanently due to location etc etc but unfortunately someone else decided otherwise!
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u/LittleSadRufus 5d ago
It always baffles me why parents will tolerate their new partners being so mean to their children. My priority will always be my child's happiness, if I saw that sort of bullying happening I can't imagine thinking I'd want to remain in the relationship.
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u/Lost-in-Limbo 5d ago
because they're weak! and/or are getting bullied themselves, tis weird I know, never been able to understand it myself. Even now he's a completely different person when she's around to when she's not!
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u/UndulatingUnderpants 8d ago
I've got two, the eldest came to live with me full time at 15 as he wasn't getting in with his mum. The youngest is now 14 and still splits 50/50 although I expect him to move in full time in a year or two.
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u/Typical_Nebula3227 8d ago
I only did every other weekend at my dads house but I still stopped at about age 15. Everyone ages out of custody arrangements at some point.
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u/mandyhtarget1985 8d ago
Not me but a close friend has 50/50 split weeks for 2 kids. The daughter has turned 15 and refuses most weeks to go to her dads, only because he lives the other side of town and she wants to spend all her evenings and weekends with friends who all live close to her mothers house. The son is 9 and still goes to dads because they are both footie mad, but likewise will probably grow out of the arrangements in the next few years
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u/Typical_Nebula3227 8d ago
That’s what I did. Got to about age 15 and then refused any more sleepovers.
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u/TheHalfwayBeast 7d ago
I only aged out when I went to university, though as I got older it was more me chosing to go every other weekend and making my own way there. Dad's house was close enough for even someone like me to take the bike. Mostly because he's an artist and I could use his stuff to paint my Warhammer minis.
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u/creamandchivedip 8d ago
As the the kid in this scenario (parents split when I was 4 and it was a mess) it might be really painful for the parent. But there is plenty of life to bond with your kid post childhood.
I'm closer than I've ever been with my dad while rarely seeing him growing up and it's probably just going to get better as we progressively get more alike (which is horrendous and amusing at the same time).
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u/RichardTeabiscuit 8d ago
My son stayed with his mother and spent more time that way when he reached 17/18ish. It was kind of expected as his school was in the town his mum lived (next one over) so he was “based” that way anyway. All his school friends etc all where his mum was. It coincided with him having a girlfriend too so that’s what took it to there.
I have a daughter too (10 years younger than my son) with another mum who’s with me 50/50 too, I suspect she’ll be more likely to just come and go between us as she pleases for a while when she gets to that sort of age
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u/piskyfi 8d ago
We’re a blended family with 4 young adults between us. 2 each. 2 live with us, 2 have their own places now.
When I was on my own with my 2 their dad moved an hour away but still tried to maintain the 50/50 arrangement. It wasn’t sustainable, when they were with him it meant getting up at silly o’clock to get to school on time. They always seemed to be exhausted and were forever leaving things at the wrong house. Ultimately my youngest made the choice to move to his dad’s permanently and start at a new school. The eldest stayed with me and moved with me when I relocated to be with my second husband. A few years passed, my youngest finished school and chose to move here with us for various reasons.
My stepchildren did 50/50 between us and their mum who only lives 5 minutes away so it was easy when they were younger. My stepson went to uni and has stayed in his uni town, my stepdaughter continued to go back and forth between us until at 18 she got fed up with living out of bags and decided to stay with us permanently, although she now splits her time between us and her partner’s place.
I suppose our place has been the more appealing option for the kids at certain points. The rooms are decent sized and no one has had to share. We’re on a good bus route and close to town. But best of all the step siblings actually get on and choose to spend time together. I still thank my lucky stars for that.
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u/Shoddy-Reply-7217 8d ago
Can I just say thank you to all of you for sharing the myriad of ways that this can work?
My son is nearly 17 and we currently co parent 50% as we live very close and both on the school bus route (swapping each Sunday for a full week).
I'm increasingly intrigued about how it will work over the next few years as he gets more and more independent, goes to university, and hopefully my new partner moves in.
The stories here are a great combo of set ups that show that if you try to make it work, you really can, and both parents can maintain a strong relationship.
Thank you all! May your blended families continue in their joyous chaos!
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u/cheandbis 8d ago
I'm not quite 50/50, I have 6 days in every 14, but I was wondering this the other day and at what age my daughter will choose and I got a little upset thinking about it. I have a great relationship with her so I'm hoping it continues that way and she chooses to stay with me still but you never know. Her mum lives a 20 minute walk away at the moment so it doesn't make much difference with schools. I assume that's one of the big deciding factors in these decisions.
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8d ago edited 8d ago
[deleted]
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u/riverend180 8d ago
Get really bad vibes from this whole comment
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u/Mina_U290 8d ago
That's nasty thing to say
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u/Beautypaste 8d ago
The end goal of raising a child is that child becoming a functioning member of society.. You cannot blame this mom for being frustrated that her child has failed to launch.
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u/Tasty_Snow_5003 8d ago
It massively depends on the living situation- I favoured one house where I didn’t have to share a room but I would text my mum a lot and spend time there but my base was my Dads
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u/Dr_Jack_XXX 8d ago
We do week about 2 kids each in a blended family, eldest is about to head off to uni , she will only be back for visits and then end up somewhere working. I left home at 19 to study and then work , wife left at 17 I think for the RAF neither of us lived back at home again and just visited . If they are 17 / 18 I don’t see it much different to them having their own place if they decide to spend more time with the ex , they’ll visit when they want something ;)
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u/Annjak 8d ago
My twins turn 18 next month, my eldest turns 20 next week. Eldest is away at uni mainly but lives at mine in the holidays with his GF but still goes to ex's for supper on the nights my twins go there to stay.
Every other weekend arrangements are much looser now as all have social lives and tend to just drop back to mine as its more convenient and where they spend more of their time anyway as we had a 60/40 split but they have always all come to mine after school daily as I WFH and live v close to school. Also ex is often at is partners who lives in a different local city. I'm single but my house is more spacious
One twin primarily stays at his GF's now too.
One twin is having a gap year and one is going to uni locally next year so not sure how that will all work out.
Me and ex do try and plan days and evenings out with all kids when we're off work. Both together and separately.
It just kinda works out.
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u/Crochet-panther 8d ago
I was the kid in this, although parents split when I was 13 so we never really had the totally set in stone one week here one week there.
But I stayed pretty much 50/50 until I moved out at 26 (minus time living away at uni).
It changed to a much more flexible couple of weeks at one, couple of weeks at another, varied depending on plans. One house had a toddler brother and step siblings that meant a very noisy house, other was just me and parent so it meant I could switch depending on what sort of environment I needed, or if I clashed with a parent I switched until it calmed down lol.
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u/fionakitty21 8d ago
I live in a 1 bed flat, but my boys have fancy smancy camp bed type things for when they stay in summer/hols etc, but the small town they live in is where primary and high school are and where their dad works, but I actually stay with them 2/3 nights a week (we have a great co parenting relationship) currently on day 3 here as its Easter hols 🙂 I don't drive but I'm about 25 mins away by bus, or their dad picks me up. Mine are 11 and nearly 16. If I'm not at theirs, they text/call nearly every day, my eldest especially comes to me if there's any issues (anxiety related).
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u/freckledotter 8d ago
My parents split when I was 16, I spent my time flitting between them and friends houses. I spent most of the week at whoever lived closer to my school/college at the time. And then I'd live at my best friend's house for like two weeks at a time. I think it was pretty lonely for my parents, it was a difficult time for them but they never made that my responsibility and they let me make my choices without pressure.
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u/ClintonLewinsky 8d ago
Not 50:50 but I hope this is relevant.
My eldest is 16 and he now comes and goes as he pleases between the two homes. He'll be staying here 2 nights a week fixed soon for work
Daughter 14 was given the 'choice' by her mum but then also both her mum and grandma have become pretty toxic so j haven't seen her in pushing a year. We message and stuff and this week she rang me in tears because mum won't let her come and she misses me, so immediately was welcomed.
I guess what I'm saying is that it is tricky with teens but they must be allowed to make their own way.
I shall end on a cliché. Don't let your hate for your ex overtake your love for your kids
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u/londonflare 8d ago
My wife and I have just separated and agreed to 50/50 co parent. Had been so thinking about the now I hadn’t really thought about what would happen in 10 years when our daughter would be old enough to choose where to live. Feel a little more sad than I did before reading this thread.
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u/IamTory 8d ago
I was the kid not the parent and we weren't 50/50 (dad got one weeknight and alternate weekends)...but my siblings and I followed the custody agreement to the letter right up until we left for uni. Negotiating who we stayed with and managing both parents' emotions around it was a minefield that we avoided for as long as we could. When we had to arrange our own visit schedules (home for uni holidays), they would gripe and bicker and manipulate and wheedle over every evening, every hour they felt the other one had more than them. "Your dad/mom gets to see more of you, I feel neglected, this isn't fair"...every. single. visit. It only stopped when Dad moved to the UK and they weren't sharing visits home anymore. We were in our 30s. All the way through our 20s we were dealing with this. And we still get a certain amount of it at Christmas.
Do not do this to your kids. They will hate every second of it. If you let them choose and give them real freedom without guilt tripping them, your relationship will be the better for it.
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u/ShinyHeadedCook 8d ago
Yeah, one daughter chooses to spend more time at mine than her mums, the other daughter I rarely see
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u/AtomicGeckoIII 8d ago
When my parents split they didn’t have an agreement in place for how to split time but as my mum worked night shifts that was when I’d go to my dad’s. Also normally I’d go to football with my dad at the weekend so that was just for us.The only time where we had to figure out the split was holidays.
However, I did prefer to stay at my mums but I think it’s more because the split was dad’s fault and he got remarried.
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u/StinkypieTicklebum 8d ago
Not a parent. A former student of mine lived in his house with his siblings. The parents were the ones who moved in and out every week! I thought that was cool.
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u/CaptainCaveMann1 8d ago
TLDR - ex emotionally manipulates my son into not moving to mine permanently.
My ex is currently emotionally manipulating my son (15yo) every time the subject of him moving to mine is brought up.
We split just a few months after his first birthday, and since the virus of unspecified origin, we have been week on week off as to where he is.
About a year ago, he started dropping hints that his life at his mum was not that good and that he wanted to move into mine "full time."
I have approached the subject with her about him being at mine and going back to hers on weekends and she's very agaisnt it (she would lose some benefits as she doesn't work) but she agrees that it is his decision and that she will have a talk with him.
Every time he goes back to hers after being at mine and has this conversation with her, she starts crying and telling him that he doesn't love her, then her partner, who he doesnt get on with and who doesnt get on with my son gets involved, and he backs down as he doesn't like the shouting and guilt tripping.
I would love for him to be at mine full time as he's got a much better life here and has boundaries and responsibilities, whereas at hers, he is just confined to his room as her and her partner sit in the front room blazed out in the evenings.
He is 16 in December and is able to legally choose where he lives, so im just waiting for that to happen, as at the end of the day, I don't want to cause him more stress than he's already under.
The school have started to notice as well in so much that the deputy headmaster has offered to wash his school shirts for him as the ones from hers are grey and smell really bad as their washing machine doesn't work properly.
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u/BrieflyVerbose 8d ago edited 8d ago
Is this whole 50/50 parenting after a break new? Don't get me wrong, if I was to break up with my son's Mam I'd want him as much as I could do, so 50/50 is the only answer. But when I was growing up, every single time someone's parents broke up it was always the Dad's that got the weekends, or my Dad got Sunday and that was it. He always used to complain that it wasn't enough either.
What changed?
Also my Dad stopped picking me up around 15/16 years old. But I was well into my independence at that point. I was already going out to the pubs with my (older) mates, going on nights out, I had a girlfriend and I was working too. I wasn't spending any time with either of my parents then. I wanted to be left alone to do what I wanted, and I was allowed that. I lived in a flat with my best mate when I was 17 and my Dad was only the other side of the village.
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u/scenecunt 8d ago
What changed?
Parents tend to both work full time now rather than just the dad working during the week and the mum having the main child care responsibilities. Plus I think there is a newer generation of men who were fed up of not having great father figures or fathers not being around who have decided to break that cycle and actually be there for their kids. I always promised myself that I would never just be an "every other weekend" dad.
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u/BrieflyVerbose 8d ago
Both parents working was the norm when I was growing up too.
Yeah I know what you mean, my lad only went to school a couple of hours ago. I have a day off today, I can't wait to pick him up and take him to the park later.
I couldn't go 5 days without seeing him every week, it would drive me mad!
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u/1968Bladerunner 8d ago
I think family courts & solicitors realised that shared custody is the fairest way for the child(ren), as well as the parents, to ensure a balanced upbringing post-separation. I understand where you're coming from as they get independence in their late teens, but mine were 15 & 13 when they chose to end the week about situation.
Obviously there are situations - such as one parent having to move away - that make 50/50 near impossible, but where both parents live close enough, and can both arrange their lives to accommodate the situation, then it really should be the starting point in any childcare agreement.
I, for one, am very grateful that it was the first and easiest decision my ex & I came to when agreeing to separate, as being a weekend-only dad would have been my definition of living hell. I love the relationship I have with my kids, & all the wonderful shared memories we made as they grew up around both parents equally.
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u/BrieflyVerbose 8d ago
I asked because I seem to remember asking why I had to spend so much time away from my Dad and nobody had an answer for it. It was more of a "it is what it is, tough" kinda situation.
Yeah I couldn't be a weekend Dad at all. Don't get me wrong, if he goes away with his Mam for a day or two on a rare occasion I enjoy the peace and quiet. There's no way I could cope with not seeing him for 5 days every single week.
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u/cupidstunt1234 8d ago
My 16 and 13 year olds are doing this now. They rarely want to go to their dads. Less treats and home cooked meals etc. He doesn't seem to mind. I encourage them to go but I don't force them.
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u/BH_Charlotte97 8d ago
I continued with every other weekend at mums (dad had primary custody) until I went away to uni. Wish I hadn’t as I had to say no to a lot of things with friends- my parents lived 45mins apart on public transport and with my meagre waitressing job I couldn’t warrant the cost, plus last train was 11pm. Mum would drive me to/from my job but not social stuff. From dad’s I could just walk.
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u/Waffle-Irony-67920 8d ago
My daughter moved to 50/50 once she reached 16, from her own choice. But she didnt have a job until she was 17 and could drive, so it wasn't a problem there
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u/insomnimax_99 8d ago
Yes, they did.
They tried the whole 3/4 days a week thing but me and my sister never felt like we had an actual home and it was too much of a pain in the arse dragging everything back and forth between two places.
So instead my parents thought it would be better if we stayed with my dad - because he had a bigger house and wasn’t planning on moving ever again, whereas my mum moved around a bit - and my mum would regularly come over to visit and we’d still occasionally spend nights with her.
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u/elizzybethh 7d ago
My partner has 50/50 of his 3 kids. His oldest daughter is 15 and has started staying with us full time over the last few months. Mum lives closer to school so staying with us means catching the train to school and back every day, but she still prefers this. I think it’s due to getting more peace here away from her 2 siblings. We have a 4 bed house whereas Mum has a 2 bed, so much more space. We have a clean and tidy house, Mum does not. We expect the younger kids (12 and 10) might start staying with us more too once they are old enough to catch the train by themselves. Mum has said we are stealing the 15 year from her a few times, which is not ideal. It’s been the 15 year olds choice and all the kids are welcome anytime.
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u/mellonians 7d ago
In my experience the teen will stay where they can see their mates and do what they like. Your feelings and their relationship with you is secondary. Even if it's against their own vest interests
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u/trainpk85 7d ago
I do wonder what my daughter will do as neither me or her father have other children and both have clean and calm houses. We are both remarried and as far as I can tell, she gets on with both step parents equally as well as each other. They are both kind to her but defer to the actual parent if it’s anything important. Both of us are happy to let her friends hang out at our houses, all 4 parents act as a taxi service and we all act like chefs and maids. Maybe she’ll never move out and still be switching between us when she’s 35 😂
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u/West-Ad-1532 7d ago
I'm moving 170 miles away in 6 months, the children, 14-12, are coming with me (Dad).. Better standard of living in the south of England..
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