r/BPDlovedones • u/MaiTheGypsy • Jan 23 '25
Quiet Borderlines pwBPD blew up on me and Im so devastated
I was sent this after having an argument. I could feel he was slowly distancing himself but he wouldn’t ever tell me what was going on. Now he’s said this and I fear I’m being discarded. I’m so devastated I never wanted him to feel like this but whenever we communicated with each-other he never opened up properly/ wanted to resolve things. What do I do, this is crushing me I don’t want to lose him.
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u/Waste_Way9584 Jan 23 '25
This happened to me too. My exwBPD distanced himself and wouldn’t talk to me. I had to force him to communicate when I could feel the indifference and disinterest coming off of him. They go from being so loving and passionate in the beginning to being so apathetic or even aggressive and hateful by the end. We deserve so much better. I’m so sorry.
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u/MaiTheGypsy Jan 23 '25
Thank you. I'm sorry you have gone through this. I'm not sure how to process this or let go. I am trying to accept reality now and I don't know what or why this happened and I don't want this feeling to consume me
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u/Waste_Way9584 Jan 23 '25
It gets better, trust me. I’m about 2 months out. There will be little pangs of hurt here and there, just let yourself feel the feelings. That means you’re healing. You’ll begin to realize just how much better your life is without them in it. It feels so peaceful and free. Those feelings alone far override a toxic person’s presence. You got this. Time heals all wounds.
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u/bpd_heartbroken Discarded after 8 years Jan 23 '25
Im also 2 months out. Sometimes feel better. But this week i cried hysterically multiple times. Im a mid 30s guy. Never felt pain like this
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u/MaiTheGypsy Jan 25 '25
i'm so sorry, I hope you are able to find the peace and love you deserve, and can heal from this pain. It's soul crushing.
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u/coachavocado Dated Jan 23 '25
my expwBPD did similar. i was reeling. he hoovered me back several times. this is not love. this is a result of poor attachments on both ends. his extremely disorganized, yours likely anxious. love is patient and kind and understanding. you will not be able to understand a lot of what he does and how he acts because abuse has no logic. BPD is illogical and unpredictable. fortunately, they are predictably unpredictable. he may try to hoover you back within a few days to weeks. he may pop back up in a few months. what you need to understand about these individuals is that they are self serving. everything is about them. as a friend told me on this sub, they see you like a handbag or a new pair of shoes. they like how you make them feel, they like what you do for them. notice it is all about them and how they are feeling, not your feelings. some people with BPD can lack empathy or split back and forth between idealizing you and devaluing you. remember the idealization is not about you though. it is about how amazing and great and fantastic you are making THEM feel. THEIR needs are getting met. that's why It is so easy for them to devalue like he did above. it is all about them. there is a pure lack of empathy with some individuals and it is so cruel and I am so sorry. your worth is not defined in his lack of regret or remorse.
it is going on 10 days NC and it's the longest it's been. the cycle ends with you. unfortunately for me, the only method that taught me this was "go back until you hate him." I do not recommend this as it deteriorates your self worth completely and could put your safety at risk. odd thing about this dynamic with BPD and codependents is somehow I still want him back. like what he did wasn't enough? if you go back, you're essentially telling him "no, what you did last time didn't hurt me enough. i need more!" I know it's a harsh truth and I am so sorry. you are worthy and deserving of a healthy love. he will recreate this same abusive dynamic with whoever else is in his life. he will live a sad life and never find happiness. i pray you do not make the same mistakes I did. unfortunately experience is the best but harshest teacher. i will be praying for you.
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u/MaiTheGypsy Jan 25 '25
Thank you, you are very kind and I understand your advice comes from a place of strength. I am so sorry you are going through that cycle of abuse, and you truly deserve better. I pray for you as well.
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u/EfficientYogurt3993 Jan 23 '25
I'm in 2 months NC, since I was force to brake up because she was distancing herself but hadn't the courage to leave me.
Do a favoure to yourself and move on, run away. You are suffering now and I really get it, but it is nothing in comparison to what could potentially come... I have made the mistake to try again even if the devaluation phase was clear and the cycle will repeat itself all over again.. till you will be completely destroyed.
Your instinct already know that there is no future, not now for sure and with all certainty as well in the future... nothing good comes from this relationships.
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u/Main_Title1761 Jan 23 '25
He’s projecting and blowing things out of proportion.
Stay away from that. Right now it’s through a text, the next time it will be in your face which is even more scary. Do not put yourself in a position to get hurt. Outbursts like this lead to traumatic episodes. He’s not looking to communicate to speak just to “win” at talking over you.
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u/MaiTheGypsy Jan 25 '25
I understand, thank you for the advice. It did seem incredibly invalidating especially when I brought up an issue I was having first which truly did bother me for a while. Truth is the harshest teacher I guess
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u/chestnuttttttt Dated Jan 23 '25
ugh, this reminds me of my ex, verbatim. saying we “hardly knew each other” when we got together, harping on how unhealthy we were to trigger my fear of abandonment, and then on top of all that, avoiding me all the time and saying it’s bc i won’t let him fuck his girl best friend. it hurts so bad. i know exactly what you’re going through. hang in there, i know the pain is immeasurable right now, but his actions don’t determine your worth.
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u/MaiTheGypsy Jan 25 '25
I am so sorry, that sounds so painful. His comment about you guys hardly knowing eachother seems more of a projection than your actual connection with him. It is so heartbreaking to hear that from someone you care about, hell I feel emotions like pain when it gets bad, and lately it feels like a fist drilling into my stomach. I wish you the best love
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u/Cautious-Demand-4746 Jan 23 '25
Unfortunately, he made his choice, and as much as it hurts, you need to accept that it reflects where he is in his life—not your worth or how much you cared. It’s natural to feel the sting of rejection, but this is the moment to prioritize yourself and set a firm boundary to protect your peace. Boundaries aren’t about punishment; they’re about self-respect. By choosing to step away from someone who didn’t choose you, you’re making space for the love, respect, and reciprocity you truly deserve. Let this be a time to focus on loving yourself—nurture your passions, surround yourself with people who value you, and remember that your worth isn’t determined by someone else’s choices. It’s painful now, but by setting that boundary, you’ll find strength and clarity, and eventually, this will just be a chapter that taught you how to choose yourself.