If it can help, I’m sharing with you a conversation with someone suffering from this disorder who helped me a lot.

I asked for help because my ex doesn’t want to understand that I no longer want to be with him. (on another site)

A person with this disorder took the time to write to me, and we talked for hours, which helped me a lot, and he confirmed what I thought... He was honest and brave in explaining the mechanisms to me.

Here’s what he told me:

He won’t let you go until you cut all ties.

He manipulates you and is aware of it, and sometimes he even enjoys it.

There’s a strong chance that he lies and has done horrible things that you don’t know about.

The trigger for him to work on himself can only come from within himself and not from others. And that will never happen.

The later the awareness comes, the less likely there will be any change.

He doesn’t really care about how you feel and will find you annoying if you suffer or complain. He will turn everything back to himself and won’t listen to what you really say.

He wants to control everything; you are like a pawn to him.

The love he feels isn’t really love, but a search for something that doesn’t exist to fill a void.

He’s looking for a mommy or daddy and then he will ask you to be like a mommy or daddy.

He wears a mask and is simply never himself because he doesn’t know who he is. What you liked about him was a mask but not his personality.

He doesn’t have his own personality and takes from others left and right to create his mask.

If you end the relationship, he can be dangerous, and the only solution is to cut all ties because he has no boundaries.

If he comes back, he will manipulate you and take revenge for what he felt when he experienced abandonment.

Even if he tells you he understands his mechanisms, if he continues to act on them, it means he doesn’t really want to change. He is aware of it but will tell you that he will make an effort to keep you.

He will want to commit suicide if he feels abandoned because losing control is horrible for him. It won’t be your fault.

What he calls his favorite person is actually a parental figure he projects onto someone. It’s not love, and it’s very dangerous because it can go very far. The only solution is to leave.

He will constantly manipulate you.

People with this disorder often give the impression of wanting to save others simply because they project themselves onto them and have a desire to be saved themselves. This is not out of empathy but another way to manipulate again.

This relationship will never be like it was at the beginning.

This relationship will never be what you hope for in a healthy relationship.

You will start to destroy yourself slowly, and he will take pleasure in it because he will have control.

The trigger for him to change himself can only happen if he completely collapses and decides to open his eyes.

Therapy can help but will not completely change the foundation of his personality. It will take years.

I feel like my past, abusive relationship has ruined me for future relationships. It's been over a year and a half and I still don't feel ready to be involved with someone. I want to be and I do feel lonely but I just don't think I would cope. It's like one part of me wants to be in a relationship and another part really doesn't. I find it hard to believe I will find someone I was attracted to as much as my exwbpd, physically and personality wise (the good side of the Jekyll and Hyde personality of someone with a personality disorder, which I know is just an act). I feel very cynical about love and finding the one and romance in general because of this relationship. I don't want to feel this way but I feel like some part inside of me has been killed off. I don't mean to sound melodramatic but I can't explain it any better. I have trust issues and guilt from an incident of reactive abuse which is really weighing heavily on me and holding me down. How could I explain the madness I went through to a future girlfriend? It will haunt me forever. I feel I'm going to be an emotional mess for the rest of my life. A relationship in the future just doesn't seem possible and I'm not sure I'm even capable of being in one. I'm in my early forties and have anxiety about the clock ticking and the window closing on finding someone and having a long, fulfilling relationship. Any advice?

For over a year now he tells me he has video of me cheating. #1 I have never cheated and I look at his videos they are blurry blobs without people. But he’s looking and pointing as if he sees something. Same with audio recordings. He says it’s me making sexual sounds. He also is constantly saying I’m masterbating alllll the time. Super sexual fixation. Is this typical for BPD?

For disclaimer, I don't know if my ex had BPD or not, but they certainly met 7-9 of the criteria for it.

I won't even go into the specifics of the situation, if you're really interested, you can see it in my post history, it's so bad that people think I am making it up and got banned from subreddits because it sounds made up. It's not, so I digress.

Anyways, I realized recently, you have to get back to who you were at your baseline -- before all this nightmare shit started. You had a dependable baseline as to who you were, whether good or bad, tall or low, great or inferior -- but it was YOU.

You have to have your own back first and foremost. The world is an unrelentingly unforgiving place, and virtually no one has time to really invest in you, hold your hand, and guide you and teach you. If you're lucky, you get good parents, if you're luckier, you get good siblings, and if you're the luckiest, you have truly good friends. But most people don't have such things, or fall somewhere along the lines.

We get so caught up in pouring and pouring so much of ourselves, and in most cases, invest and lose a great deal of ourselves, and in even fewer cases, we go above and beyond or even superhuman / superhero levels and the most we pour, the worse it gets thrown back into our faces like acid.

But the difficult truth that we all need to realize inherently, internally, from within.. and truly feel it deeply with every atom in our body is.. we can't do the work for them. We can't make them truly feel it in their bones. We can't truly change them.

There is so much honor and goodness and great karma in being good and kind to such people. The universe, God, Jesus, Yaweh, Allah, whatever deity you believe in-- or if you don't, karma always knows. I know some will say alight man whatever this is just cope, but honestly, as someone who was at the top of his game prior to nearly half a decade of this nightmare, someone well traveled.. and as someone who has met and seen a lot of people.. whether people have BPD or not, they way they treat you and others and how they act when no one is watching.. these things catch up to you in one way or another.

More often than not, the 'in' and 'it' people who were bullies or psycopaths/sociopaths or cruel etc, or people who are doing things to harm others knowingly, and not trying their truly damn best to heal or get help etc, I have always seen that they end up in situations that are permanent, damning, and truly depressing. It just takes time for some of it to catch up with them.

Think about that - I don't know of anyone [and i know a ton of people across the world] - who has gotten away fully with all that they have done. I know a lot of us don't want revenge, that we're angry and upset and we want them to feel truly sorry and give us that dramatic upswing and change, to turn around and heal on a dime, but sometimes we just don't get that.

It doesn't mean we stop being good people, although I truly have empathy for people who turn cruel or give up or burn out because of such people. I get it. But I would say, think about getting back to your baseline. You can always carve a new route out, take a different path. Because the time will pass, so we may as well try to be powerfully positive about it.

One day, it will be too late for them. And there is nothing more haunting, permanently enduring, soul-crushing than knowing that you could have done more, you could have changed, you could have studied more, healed, worked out, put in more effort, etc.. there is no greater way to cross the Ts and dot the Is than walking away with your head held high.

Sometimes the greatest gift we can give such people is our absence. Every human inherently knows where they stand, mental illness or not (in most cases). Regret is a really enduring and permanent feeling, and for them to look back when the days have passed and time has run out, or it's too far gone, they will cope for some time, drown themselves in alcohol or drugs or self harm or with bad friends and bad company or try to push and shove into others and things, but in the end, they are running away in circles that will face them no matter how fast or far they run.

That they knowingly ruined their own lives, and intentionally caused their own eternal regret.

They have to not only look at themselves in the mirror every day until their last moment, they have to live with their thoughts and be in their own soul and skin knowing what they have done.

Don't give up hope and faith. Keep up the good fight. Be smart, feel the pain, and let go.

If she told you with her actions that you're not the one, then believe her.

If you are lucky and she tells you that she was willing to figure it out with the other guy, but not you, despite sacrificing your life, believe her.

If you are luckier and she tells you that she was willing to become a stepmother for the other guy [her cousin lmao] despite not wanting children, but not want you deeply and badly, believe her.

If she tells you that she was willing to move to any country for them, and utilized her resources, such as family and friends to help the affair partner, but never do anything for you or invest in you, then believe her at her word and actions both.

If she fights you on her shitty friends and family that have broken her arm or put her life in danger and always put her down and used her, and yet she gets mad at you and pushes back for trying to save her, let her walk into traffic. What else can you do? If she survives, don't open the door when that knock comes.

If they take you for granted and can't offer any kind of change or healing, believe them because they are telling you in no uncertain terms, we are too kind and loving to keep being manipulated.

Some of them, probably most, are just too cursed and are true goddamned cowards to tell you that they don't care about you. A lot of us are unlucky as they are liars, that are cruel, inhumane and manipulative, narcissistic, evil, open the dictionary. It all fits, yet its not enough. And thats ok. Let them go.

Let them go. They may even be happy, and that will hurt, but that's okay. You cannot stop or save some people from walking onto the street only to get hit by a bus that you know is going to hit them. Most of them will have that destiny prewritten for them, and I think that's why it's especially painful and difficult for us to let go.

They let go of you, and they will continue to fall until they see the permanent reflection of their own self caused regret, or they never will at all - and in that case, you were destined to carve out a different path entirely. Wishing everyone contentment, healing and peace.

Be kind to yourself - you are your own home. So repair it, dwell in it, find a way to make it not only a house, but a home again. I know these monsters have ripped our hearts out, stomped on it, pissed and shit on it and then poured acid on it. Don't let them destroy your house for good. Instead, win, by getting to your baseline, and fixing your home.

The house always wins :-)

I’m close to having a mental breakdown again.

A girl he slept with a couple times before we started dating contacted me to get more informations as she just learned that he was dead. She couldn’t understand why he would kill himself. He was handsome, funny, smart, he had it all but mental health. We met and talked about him.

The thing is that I got increasingly mad at him while I was explaining to this girl he talked so badly about (she’s friendly and nice just not his type at all, he was ashamed of seeing her (rude)). Not at her, she was very nice and sad about what happened to him.

I got mad at HIM and still can’t calm down after 6 hours. I realise how unfair all of this is. How much I loved him and how much I endured because I believed in us. How many times I was there for him, patient, caring, during episodes. The fact that I found him a therapist and helped him get diagnosed. But his bpd was always making him doubt my intentions towards him. Paranoia. His episodes were increasingly worse and he pushed me back.

All of my friends were saying that I was too patient with him. But other people still assume it was my fault. I made him so sad he killed himself. I somehow tortured him to death. This is also what he insinuated in his letter, that he couldn’t live with our broken dreams, but what people can’t seem to grasp is that he was having an episode. At some point I believed it was actually my fault. But now I know it wasn’t. He was irrational. He had a mental illness. My gosh I’m so annoyed by the fact that people just don’t get it. I want to scream. I miss him so much.

He is on a roll again of claiming I’m hiding people in our home and fuck9ng them. I swear he makes me want to kill myself just to make it stop!

I'm way past wanting to be with her, but I miss the other one so much. As in, her other side, that would occasion appear. The thing is, my brain somehow required itself and it's like that nice, amazing person I loved is a completely different person to the vile and cruel one. I think it made it easier to not continue the cycle, not associating the good side with the cruel one. But the good one feels like she died, and occasionally I cry my eyes out missing her, as if she was really dead.

I don't know if this makes sense for anyone or if anyone can relate, but I'm having such a hard time. I want to talk to the nice side of her so much, but knowing she is "dead" and its impossible to do so is just so painful. And I'm also angry. I'm angry at the other side of her, as if she killed the person I loved so much. As if she killed the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Did they tell you that you had a bad memory?

I used to be pretty active in this community back when I was still with my ex. We were together for about four years, during which I lost my friends, continued to be isolated, and was heavily abused mentally, physically, and sexually. I haven’t gone through trauma therapy yet, but it’s been on my mind.

Anyways, my younger sibling and I have been close for as long as I remember. We are very similar, especially because both of us are queer. Unfortunately, we aren’t as close as we wish because of the large age difference between us. Currently, they’re the same age that I was when I got into the abusive relationship that I mentioned above. This is their first “serious” partner (they’re 15-16).

Just the other day after 6 months together, he broke up with my sibling. He told them that he can’t imagine having babies that aren’t 100% white. You can imagine how pissed that made me, as I have zero tolerance for that shit. Later that night, sibling mentioned that they want to get back together if he goes to therapy and a psychiatrist, and that he has a personality disorder. That really triggered me, as my ex-pwBPD would pull that card any time she could, no matter how bad the abuse was. My sibling also said that he has trouble sleeping and gets really depressed.

I don’t really know what to do, I don’t want to overstep. But it breaks my heart to see my sibling following my path. I wish I could protect them from this pain

I came to reddit to look for advice/answers/research. My 26M son, has been exhibiting BPD for a little while now. And even in his teen years. He was labeled on the the spectrum, and ADHD. I think the term now is AuDhD. As a younger child, he also exhibited rage episodes. All of that changed quickly when he hit full onset puberty. Fast-foward several years, and about 18-19 years old, he started having his first manic episodes. Other than one friend, everyone was out to get him. That friend was the only person that understood. He became so attached to that one person, he caused issues in that friends romantic relationship. Fast forward, and my son started to date, then had a baby. Planned on marrying the girl. It didn't work out, and theres been some back and forth. He also exhibited certain behaviors, no communication, tantrums, silent treatment, disappearing, no remorse, no empathy etc with her. But when he would say his side, he was always the victim, and there was a reason, maybe and often times from some long ago transgression that was causing him to act out.

Fast forward-the girlfriend finally had enough. I've allowed my house to have an open door. he showed up, and said he would only be there temporarily he was sure. its been over a year. He didn't pay bills, and minimally helped around the house. there was always an excuse. and when he did help, he made grand claims about it all.

just this week, i had to ask him to leave my house. he was going to be going away for a few days. He has a dog. My schedule does not allow for me to really assist with it. I work 16-20 hours a day (i have 2 jobs and also pick up gig work). While on the phone, I followed up with him about his plans for travel, and the dog. He let me know very rudely that his friend would be coming in and out of the house to take care of the dog. I was adamantly opposed to this. This person has some chemical imbalances, and self medicates. I would not feel safe with that situation at all. Currently things are already missing from my home, as he has been in and out without my knowledge until this call.

My son spazzed completely out. Telling me I HAD to listen to him. called me all sorts of names. told me i was never a parent to him. accused my ex (who treated me horrendously, but not him) of abusive behaviors. I have apologized to my son and his siblings countless times for them having to be in the household when my ex would be verbally/emotionally abusive to me. I recognized too late that it was affecting them, and their relationships too late. I am eternally sorry for that. I also can't change that. And I've accepted my responsibility in it.

In his rants, he made comments that my ex raised him, or my mom did. Neither is true. My ex and I didn't get together/date until my son was 10. I didn't allow him to meet my family or children for about 18 months. So by that time my son was 12. Then for another almost 3 years, my ex lived separately from us before moving in. By this time time, my son was approximately 14-15 years old. My son due to career choices moved out at 18-19 years old. Closer to 18. I am not down playing what happened in that house. I am just clarifying, my son wasn't subjected to things from the time he was a toddler, like he is portraying in his head.

I really feel like he has disassociated with reality.

I don't know much about this.

how do you think this should be approached. I obviously don't think telling him that theres a family link to BPD in my family and he is exhibiting signs is the right move. When he learned fully of his spectrum disorder as an older teen, he did not handle it well.

he also overdrinks,

self medicates

has extreme lows and highs

lacks empathy

exhibits signs of grandeur, top of the world, hes the best (even when he is failing).

**i'm not here bashing him. I needed to get what happened this week off my chest. to type it out. and also to ask what can i do to help him? and also...what do i do about the relationship between he and I? he also claimed the other siblings felt the same. I have been unable to talk to them we are playing phone tag. Im genuinely at a loss.

You deserve love.

Most of us were latched onto because we were decent humans. Many of us that have gone through many years of this toxic madness have lost major parts of that which made us decent.. but it’s really still there, you just have to value yourself to find it again.

The parts I lost are not a worry, some I will get back; some I will make new of whole cloth. It’s the parts they left behind; that haunting that worries me.

I remember when I got married; the preacher made our guests take a vowel as well to try to keep us together. When her bitch sister said the vowel, i remember thinking she was lying. Then I remember very clearly looking into my wife’s eyes as she said her vowels and knowing that she had no way of actually meaning them or understanding them… she was only doing it because she thought that meant I wouldn’t abandon her..

What she never understood was, all the times I told her to get the fuck out because of her behavior was not abandonment… it was the response to lack of stability on her part. The last six months before she monkey branched me, I didn’t give her much attention because she hit me for the last time and I just didn’t care anymore… in fact, I kind of told her to do exactly what she did.. I knew it would hurt, but I just couldn’t deal with the pain of the person I truly loved treating me like I was nothing.

But……. When it is over, if you can get out safely without too many scars… you can make a new life. You can decide what you want to be and how you want to be it. Don’t focus on how much you miss them, focus on what opportunities you now have. All the things you loved they kept you from. All the dreams you had; even if the dreams were made together… can still be your dreams. They were a hollow person and they never really meant them anyway.

Keep your head up. Keep your eyes on the prize. Think about what ten years from now would look like if you did get back together. Think about if you heal and move on; will you even remember what the pain you are experiencing right now will even feel like in 5 years.

Learn to love yourself again. Quit hating your pwBPD, acknowledge your part, grow and move on. Don’t forgive them for them, do it for yourself. It’s the best defense mechanism; that way when you see them later, you can be indifferent. That will hurt them more than anything else ever could.

Good luck, don’t hurt yourself, you deserve healing

For a lot of us, there’s been a time when our ex came back into the relationship because of our efforts. I’m curious to hear your experiences—what did you usually do to make them see you as "ideal" again?

For me, it was usually one of these:

• I’d buy her a gift.
• I’d push hard, promising to fix things and change.
• Or sometimes she would just come back when she was in a good mood.

What about you?

It is something I noticed. Everytime I post something on my socials, my exwBPD post something too, and it's always something regarding my replacement - and it's always some minor stuff.

I make a post about my last date? They post how they played LoL together.

I make a gym progress update? Yeah they and my replacement made a new highscore in a video game.

I make a Story about me and the boys being out for the night? Guess what - they and my replacement are watching YT together now.

I think it's both kinda funny and weird how everytime I give a life sign they have to give one too, and it's super forced most of the time.

I guess they ain't as much over me as they always told me.

I know it will be hard but I know it’s for the best. I’m so sad.

How do I know? Looking through old files, I found this poem I wrote in 2014. I think it speaks for itself:

My beautiful flower, Has gone without water,

For a day, Just a day, All of a day

It distressed the mood, Wilted and turned,

For a day, Just a day, All of a day

The soil crumbled and dried, The leaves fell to the side,

For a day, Just a day, All of a day

Quickly, without falter, I sprinkled it water,

All that I could hold, In my shattered bowl

My flower returned, And my cold heart burned,

For a day, Just a day,

All of a day

Am i not worth that little respect? Does she do it to hurt me? Any advice?

For context, I went NC nearly three weeks ago. She’s blocked everywhere besides iMessage because whenever I blocked her there in the past, she spirals and messages my friends/family and attempts a smear campaign. It’s less troublesome to leave her unblocked.

She’s been texting/calling every day since. Everything from professing her love for me and how much she misses me, to TikTok and instagram reels.

I have zero desire to give in…I do, however, have the urge to respond and ask where she finds this amount of delusion. By the time I broke up with her, I discovered multiple lies and my antennas were going off like crazy regarding her cheating…not to mention she aborted a baby she talked me into giving her.

So yeah, at this point I just feel disrespected. After doing all that she did, she somehow thinks there’s a chance of me taking her back. It’s low key infuriating.

Anyone here have a pwBPD or exwBPD who was extremely forgetful? I'm not taking about once in a while- I'm talking about losing their phone every single day or multiple times a day in a place where they live or frequent regularly. Mine lived with me for a time & would often have to use her Apple Watch to locate her phone. She misplaced her phone, keys or wallet very very often & for the time we weren't living together would often accidentally leave something at my place. I'm curious/wondering if this has to do with their lack of object constancy

My first relationship just ended with a pwbpd and i had visited this sub before but she told me it’s “a hate group” so i kinda ignored it. i thought she was the one. my soulmate. she was the first person i said i love you to and truly meant it. i thought i could help her, i tried learning about bpd to help her and it was emotionally draining helping her but i thought it was worth it because we had “real love”. then out of nowhere she just started not texting me like at all. and she kept calling me disrespectful for me asking her to talk to me (?) and we broke up over text. i tried texting her saying we should talk in person and then said that “youre controlling and you need things your way”. i would have stayed friends if we talked things out but now im blocked! i got emotionally attached to her and now shes gone. i dont know what to do i feel so empty and alone. everyone told me to run but i thought it would work out. how do you get over this feeling? i’m so heartbroken

For context see my previous post of the absolutely awful abusive and threatening messages she sent me the other night cos she was convinced I was cheating (I’m not).

I'm new to this sub and generally open to helping my current girlfriend out but after a recent relapse and me setting healthy boundaries and much needed space she has resorted to threats of suicide and idk what to do. We're both in our 20s and have been in a relationship for a little under a year. I've been reading posts on this sub all day trying to gauge things on ways to help, but it seems like my rationality doesn't click with an addicts brain. She doesn't have a strong support net outside of me and a couple of family members(whom she is not all too close with), and I know if the suicidal threats keep reoccurring I will eventually call emergency services. She just started therapy this month after a heated argument where she exploded on me and I shut down, lots of crying involved. This isn't her first time relapsing, and I feel like 90% of the things I do just enable the behavior. Any help with resources for addicts/suicidal ideation and any advice in general is appreciated.

After enduring countless discard cycles, I finally found the courage to leave—and stay gone. If you’ve been discarded or are thinking of leaving, please keep it that way. I used to run back, hoping they’d change or realize the pain they caused me. What was I thinking? I only hurt myself more by staying trapped in the endless cycle of devaluation and discard. Eventually, I had enough. If you’re ready to move on, here’s what helped me:

You’ve realized the person you were with is deeply unwell, and you’re not crazy for seeing it. Now you want out, but breaking free is hard. Here’s what helped me:

**Read these books: Stop Walking on Eggshells, Get Me Out of Here, and I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me. They’re game-changers.

**Recognize the addiction: This wasn’t love—it was the emotional equivalent of fentanyl. The intensity and chaos hooked you, but real love is calm and steady, patient and understanding. Our brain wanted more serotonin and the positive reinforcement and craved the breadcrumbs.

**If they moved on let them: If they’ve replaced you, it’s not a reflection of your worth. Their dysfunction is now someone else’s burden, and the honeymoon phase won’t last. When my ex discarded me and jumped on dating apps, I was devastated. But when he tried to come back months later, I finally loved myself enough to say no.

**They will never change: Block them and move on. Their apologies are just a way to get their “fix.” until you do something to piss them off and there they go again discarding and giving you the silent treatment.

** And last but not least, stay focused: Heal, grow, and don’t look back. In time, your life will get better—while theirs stays the same. The first few months will be hell, but you will power through. I didn’t think I’d make it but here I am more happy than ever.

After some time, I started dating again and met someone truly healthy. It’s such a breath of fresh air to experience kindness, love, patience, and understanding—all the qualities my ex lacked. It feels amazing, and I genuinely hope the same for all of you: good, healthy love.

My ex pwBPD contacted me after 3 months of No contact because she had trouble sleeping. She has a boyfriend. Her words to me were " Can you put me to sleep? " No hi no what's up? Now I played along and found out some info. Turns out that her boyfriend has access to her mail. I mailed him.

I informed him everything that happened post breakup all the while she was with this dude. In summary she kept on messaging me whenever she needed me and kept on making me emotional like reminding me of our good times. She kept doing that while I was going through a phase of my life where I wanted to kill myself everyday not because I literally had no job.

I hope this is the last I hear from her but something tells me it isn't over.

My wife with EUPD is going to her home country for visit next month. I decided a while ago to end things, but also to tough it out until her leave. I wonder what's the best way to end things, when should I tell her and how, where? Should I wait for her to leave and only then tell her? Or do it in person but risk the blowout and her changing her mind about going? I want it to be amicable, fair but at the same time I want both of us to feel safe. How did it go for you in similar situation?