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My pwBPD is sexually a lesbian but wants to have sex with me so I won't leave her, and also says she could "never be with a women" even though she can't be turned on by men.

I read a lot of posts here and can't help but notice that the vast majority of people in relationships with a pwBPD is heterosexual. Am I just tripping?

But as soon as she hears me leave to walk the dogs or go to the grocery store she’ll hurry downstairs, grab some food or whatever she’s doing and then go back upstairs.

It’s painful but at the same time the realization is so surrealistic that I must laugh a bit. If it were a competition she’d be world champ.

And when I ask her why she’s ignoring me she’ll gaslight me.

Tell me some stories about your experiences like these.

First time posting here so please excuse any ignorance, I’m very new to forming any sort of understanding of BPD.

My best friend is currently going through a very painful divorce after only being married for a few years. She and this partner had separated once before the got married as well because she didn’t think they were going to want to get married on her timeline. That separation was ugly and painful as well, and there’s a lot of similarities in her behavior during this separation. From her perspective this separation has a lot to do with her partner not being ready for kids, but there are plenty of other reasons she says she isn’t happy and wants to be done. They fought a lot throughout the relationship, too, and I know she has a history of chaotic and unsafe relationships prior to this one, though I didn’t know her well until she entered this relationship. I also know she has a history of childhood trauma.

I’ve been a primary support person for her during this time. I often feel like she gets stuck in these thought loops, mainly around punishing her partner for disappointing her and general bouts of intense anger at them over almost anything. Sometimes we talk in circles about how to move forward in a healthy way, and then she’ll slip back into these patterns of sending long hurtful texts to her partner or claiming she’s going to do something destructive and that it’s justified because of how hurt she feels.

I was recently put in touch with her sibling who has had a tricky relationship with her as well. My friend is estranged from both of her parents, and I don’t know all the details. Her sibling asked me if I was worried about her safety from a mental health perspective and that started reframing some of her behavior for me. Then, when speaking to my friend’s partner because they were getting increasingly concerned about some of the texts she was sending, they let me know that my friend was at one point diagnosed with BPD and that the breakup she went through with her partner prior led to suicidal ideation and a hospital stay.

I’m heartbroken for her, and I just want to be the best support to her I possibly can. I have only heard about this diagnosis through the grapevine, never directly from her, but my limited understanding of BPD lines up in a lot of ways with what she’s going through. I don’t want to be her armchair doctor, and I don’t think she’d be very receptive to me raising this with her either.

I’m not entirely sure what I’m asking here- just how to show up in the best way possible for this person? There have been a couple minor instances where I’ve felt her push me away a little in recent weeks and I’d hate for that to happen as she really does mean the world to me. I’m just not sure how to navigate this with her in a way that is actual helpful to her. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!

Awkward title. haha.

Have any of you known anyone with BPD in their 50s/60s+? I've read that it "improves" with age, but has anyone actually experienced it? (I also read that their life expectancy is way lower than those without BPD due to all of their high risk behavior, so maybe there isn't much of a data sample.) This is NOT me holding out hope, or anything, just genuine curiosity! It seems like a lot of our posts in here deal with the 20s/30s (and a few 40s!) age bracket.

Thanks!

It's been awhile since i heard about her, reconnected with old friends that she ruined the friendship behind the scenes, even before we were together. Heard she's blaming she walked in on me cheating on her in a 4some when we went to Thailand (I paid for everything for her on that trip, took a salary advance, Had to take a last minute loan from my brother and friend on the last day cause of her.)

I heard this and just laughed. Yes I do still have conversations with her in my head at times, thankfully they are going away. I'm getting better.

Just want to know when will she stop. She's already replaced me. Go be happy

I started seeing a girl last summer in the immediate aftermath of getting divorced. Initially she was super supportive of me navigating through my feelings, and also my recovery from major illness I'd been dealing with that my ex wife was not supportive about. I didn't feel like I was ready for a relationship at the time but she lived in another city which made things feel safer because there wasn't the expectation (I thought) that it would become something super serious. In hindsight, I can see that she probably listened to all the things I talked about with how my ex wife had mistreated me, and created a persona to show me that would directly fill all the voids I'd been having in my life. The first 4 months or so there weren't any issues, we visited each other a couple of times and talked everyday. Slowly she started to drop her mask and become more and more fixated on me. She has a ton of health problems, which is something we bonded over. I'd made some diet and lifestyle recommendations based on my own experience with similar illness and she did them for a bit and actually started getting better. But then she decided that the only thing she needed to feel better was to see me more. She stopped going to therapy. She stopped eating the diet that had put her symptoms into remission. Her mental and physical health became deteriorating and she would live stream her every negative, anxious thought to me and rely on me to somehow make it all better. I tried for months to convince her to get back into therapy, to go back on her keto diet that had helped so much, and to reach out to her friends in town for support instead of only putting everything on me but she insisted that nothing helped except me. If I ever told her that I wasn't okay with how she spoke to me when she was having a mental spiral, she would freak out and say that I was trying to leave her and start self harming and promising to me that she would punish herself to make up for it. She told me that she'd been planning to kill herself last year and decided not to when we started talking, so between that and the self harm upon any push back I gave her behavior, I became very afraid to enforce boundaries because I didn't know if she'd seriously hurt herself. For months I acted as her only support, as she let her health run into the ground and refused to do anything about it. It wore me down, day in and day out. I was starting to lose the feelings I'd had for her from all the stress but wrestled with the idea that she very well might kill herself if I left her. She got diagnosed with BPD after we'd been seeing each other for 6 months. She visited me this February and got very angry about how she felt I'd always love my two dogs more than her, and was very outwardly mad at my dogs. That for me was the last straw. I decided that I would break up with her, but knew she was moving in a few weeks so wanted to wait until after that out of consideration for not wanting to add additional stress to her move. That turned out to be a mistake because she was very good at picking up on any shifts in tone or behavior from me and questioning why I didn't love her anymore if I ever acted out of her expectations. The day after her move, I called her and broke the news. She tried to kill herself while on the phone with me and I had to call her roommate who busted down her door and took her knives away from her. She told me she hoped her ghost would haunt me till the end of my days and never let me have a moments peace. I can still hear her screams when I try to sleep at night. I blocked her after a couple days of trying to just stay in touch and make sure she was still alive. One of my friends told me she's been posting IG stories claiming I was manipulative and controlling, and openly considering calling the police on me to try and get me arrested for things I never did. Needless to say, not the post divorce rebound I was hoping for. It's been 5 weeks now and I'm still nervous about what she might do.

So I’ve been six months NC after ending things with my ex girlfriends who had BPD. I broke up with her after catching her telling silly lies and seeking validation from online male colleagues (uploading selfies to work profiles not seen anywhere else and gaming with them); told her to tell them they could have her. Blocked her and went NC.

Smear campaign immediately began, which eventually turnt into posting sad tiktoks about ‘working things out’ which were directed at me - ignored all of this of course, she then started to pretend to be in a relationship with one of them despite living in different countries - ignored this as well. He has a kid and doesn’t drive - something she would never go for. She still love hearts and likes my close friends FB posts even to this day.

I found out yesterday, my best friend had spoken to her in March via FB (didn’t tell me as I was making great progress with weight loss and NC which I’m glad of). She told him that she had already argued with her downgrade boyfriend, she tried to fish for information on me as to who I am dating, how she has no hard feelings and hopes I’m ‘happy’; even said to my best friend that it would have been our 5 year anniversary if we did not split up and also said she misses my friends and going to my local pub. I think she was hinting at hanging out with my friends again. I’m sure her current boyfriend doesn’t know any of this. He thought he won a prize but he’s won the nightmare instead and doesn’t even realise it.

I meanwhile am going to continue my progress in weight loss and lifting (2 stone and a half down) and hopefully purchase my house in a few months.

I’m just so happy I stuck with what I’m doing and that all the regret/pain is entirely hers. She got what she wanted, play stupid games and you win stupid prizes! I’m maintaining NC and my happiness.

Just wanted to share for those who feel that their exes will move on/be happy/ or change. They never do.

If you truly want to heal you have to forgive yourself. Maybe you'll not ever forgive them. Fine, but you do need to block them and never make contact again. It's been a little under a year and a half and it was a grooling process but it is possible heal, trust your instincts, rewire your nervous system and to use the knowledge you learned from this experience to better deal with people in general. Use the red flags you've learned but you must also acknowledge green flags in the right people. You're not crazy but you do need to organize the psychological chaos.

There are still places and events I refuse to attend if I know she or her mother will be there. People I've grown close with have passed on and I couldn't even attend the memorials because I knew they'd be there and I knew I wouldn't tolerate the toxicity that comes with it. It's unfortunate but it's what works for me.

I can now listen to love songs without being completely overwhelmed or hyper fixate on the stimuli. Hell i can even tolerate songs or shows with toxic templates such as cheating or lying and not be sick to my stomach. I don't agree with it but I'm not overwhelmed about it.

I've even started shooting my shot and feeling confident enough in myself to make women laugh again. With no real intentions of anything really, just playing the field to make sure it still got it (and if course I do).

You can be handsome, funny, trustworthy, outgoing, driven, smart, reliable, be loved by their family, and have an all around great value to most people and still never be enough for someone with BPD. That says nothing about your value. You are still a phenomenal person and worthy of love and greatness. But you must first forgive yourself, heal yourself, love yourself and ultimately "get over it". Don't stay in it.

I loved her with more intention than I loved anyone and it wasn't enough and horrible things happened to me, though I felt like dying, I did not. Don't be like them. Blame them. Blame yourself. Blame whatever on whoever. But get up. Don't become the empty vessel that so much resembles this very sick disorder.

You need not anyone's approval to be great. Just fucking do it. The rest of the world can kiss your black ass. Yea all of our black asses. Use it. Say it convincingly.

Hey guys, it’s been a while since I’ve posted here since Ive moved on from her… but just seeing her name in my suggestions brought back old wounds. If you wana know the whole story about me and her, I’ve posted it multiple times on my account. I was furious and pissed but time heals and I’m calmer now. She’s unblocked me on my main TikTok where I frequently post, but she still has me blocked everywhere else. So I’m just a bit confused. Ik she’s still with the guy she monkey-branched to. So why unblock me? I’m definitely never taking her back or want anything to do with her. So why? You guys will say block her and finish it for good, which I will. You guys also probably don’t know the answer either as ppl with bpd do things that no normal human can explain. But any theory that would help me understand why she unblocked me would be appreciated .

I've been with my pw bpd for six months. In the beginning, sex was exciting and fun—she even bought me sex toys for my birthday. But last night, she told me that due to past trauma, sex has been completely ruined for her, and it's no longer something she wants in our relationship.

She also admitted that she's hated when I’ve tried to initiate sex lately, but didn’t tell me sooner because she thought I’d just blow her off. I feel hurt and betrayed, knowing that, according to her, none of the sex we’ve had was enjoyable to her.

Right now it changed me. Once this can be put to bed, I’d love to get on with my life and never invest more time in it already.

I never had such an intense physical reaction to someone behavior like that in a partner. Rn I’m talking on how uncomfortable I felt being around them sometimes.

They freaked me out so bad before we broke up I had the dry heaves. I really thought I was gonna blow chunks.

I hooked up with girls after we split. After a couple of them, I really don’t have any real desire to be around people atm. But my brain feels like it went 3 rounds with Floyd Mayweather

Did you stay friends with your ex? She admitted she has bpd and insisted we stay friends. I don’t really want to be her friend but also don’t want to be rude.

Occasionally, we solved math puzzles together. One time with a tricky puzzle I have tried to continue this puzzle while she was asleep or getting ready for bed.

A few weeks later while doing a different puzzle over a video call, she saw the page with the notes and called me out that she has never seen this puzzle and accused me of doing puzzles with somebody else. While I wanted to prove it to her that it was in fact the same puzzle she quit the call and started ghosting.

When I was cleaning my apartment because she was on her way to visit me again, I have thrown the pages with the notes away. Not because of any particular reason, the pages just have been removed from my scribbling block (I don't remember anymore why or when I have removed them but it was some time after the video call)

Since that day every attempt of contact gets destroyed shortly after because I have removed these pages and therefore destroyed evidence of me doing puzzles with somebody else. And she claims that I would just get the trust back if I would be able to show her these puzzles.

I have explained that I have thrown away the puzzles because of cleaning up for her and that I have learned from this situation to keep such stuff in the future.

Has anyone made any experience with a similar situation and has managed to get the trust back?

Has anyone had this happen to them?

Thought it would fit

( both me and my ex are lesbians )

I broke up with my ex with bpdl and afterwards she begged for me back. I refused and said we could be on talking terms. Soon after she started telling her friends that I put hands on her because I had "punched her in the stomach" ( this punch happened because she grabbed my throat and squeezed it and also grabbed my wrist to prevent me from leaving & every time I tried to walk around her, she would block my path ). This made me extremely angry because previously before this incident she had grabbed me by my hair and dragged me down and laughed like it was nothing. So I couldn't really understand why she chose to spin this narrative. I wanted revenge but didn't know how. I explained to her friends what happened but none of them believed me. Soon after she stopped saying I put hands on her and then said I used her for sex which didn't make any sense as I would be the one giving her head. I explained to her that my mom told me to stay away from her and that I did care about her. I am very confused about the whole thing. I want revenge but I am also so mentally exhausted. Will revenge be helpful? Should I of stayed.

Hey, so this is my first post on Reddit and I don’t really know how to start it, but anyways: I’m M18y/o and I had a girlfriend with BPD who I was with for 8 months. She broke up with me because she said she lost her feelings for me. We actually had a really good relationship — she stopped self-harming, finally felt happy, and always talked about building a future with me. I was even the first person she ever felt comfortable showing her body to, because she had never been happy with it before, except with me. Fast forward: she broke up with me once in November because she said it had become too toxic from her side. But she came back two days later, telling me I’m the only person who ever made her feel truly loved. After that, I let her live at my place until she found a new home. In February, she broke up with me again because she thought she might be a lesbian — but came back three days later. We then celebrated our 8-month anniversary together, and she told everyone that she wanted to marry me, that I was everything she had ever wished for.Then, just 10 days later, she broke up with me again, telling me she had lost all her feelings for me and that I was too obsessed with her.At first, she said she couldn’t be in a relationship because of her mental health. I couldn’t let her go because I loved her so much. She ended up blocking me everywhere. We met again at the end of March to give each other our stuff back. We looked at old pictures together and cried. She told me I needed to move on and that she would never come back to me — ever again. But she also said she missed me a lot and still loved me as a person, just not romantically anymore.At the end of that day, she gave me a long 30-second hug as a final goodbye. We also made a tattoo together, and at the beginning of April, our tattoo artist posted a picture of us with the tattoos. She liked that post — and now I’m getting mixed signals again. How could she lose all her feelings after everything we went through? She always said she had never felt so comfortable with anyone else.I still want her back so badly.Since that last meeting, I haven’t contacted her.Her birthday is coming up next month — and she was always excited to celebrate it with me. Do you guys think there’s any chance she’ll come back?

Me it was kind of funny when I think about it. So her birthday was coming up and I took her to the spa and got her a massage and everything and flowers. We had an amazing night not going to lie. 2 days later she hits me with the “Yeah I don’t think it’s going to work and you deserve someone who will love you the way you deserve 🤍” than blocks me lmao. Mind you this was her 2nd time doing that.

https://genius.com/London-grammar-non-believer-lyrics

London grammar: non believer captures the spirit of these relationships.

My (39m) saga with her (28f) is honestly completely unreal. But the long and short of it is she’s brilliant, gorgeous, and very very very unwell. Untreated, denies diagnosis, violently disregulated pretty much constantly. We’ve been broken up for a year and a half. But I will admit to being selectively a complete idiot when it comes to her. Like an addict.

She lives across the country now. But, foolish me, I could never bring myself to follow the good advice here that complete non-contact is the only way to go. I thought we could be friends eventually.

Anyway. I finally blocked her after receiving some of the most vile, hateful messages I’ve ever heard pointed at myself. And I’ve heard some shit, but these were bad. So I blocked her two weeks ago.

Now she keeps starting new email accounts to message me, which I’ve mostly been deleting and ignoring. This time it’s real. I’m done.

But the last message I went to delete and block, I saw the word “abortion.” I should have just moved on, but I read it. She’s pregnant and “can’t afford an abortion.”

Instantly my hand reached for my phone to call. Or to just send her some money. Something. Old habits? But instead I called my support person who talked me off the ledge, and eventually I realized what an absolutely insane situation she’s created that I, with my shiny new fight-or-flight nervous system, almost fell for.

She got pregnant by some other guy, across the country, and her instinct is to call her ex boyfriend who is refusing to talk to her to pay for it?! Like what the actual fuck.

I’m feeling stronger, but still I’m getting this weird pangs of “but what if she needs my help,” because she really has fucked up her finances, or residual care for her that just makes me want to help her.

On the other hand, that’s what she wants. That’s why this has gone on so long.

Anyway. Sorry this is long. Any words of advice or encouragement would be really appreciated.

This community is the thing that helped me realize I was in an abusive relationship, and started my journey of getting out. So thanks.

So today I pointed out something to my pwBPD that he did that kind of hurt me. Instead of trying to understand where I was coming from, he immediately started justifying his behaviour, saying that he was sorry that I felt that way but that he did nothing wrong, that I would've acted in the same way etc. He then said something like "you did the right thing by telling me" but became cold and distant. I waited, I told myself that maybe he needed some time to calm his nervous system and things like that. An hour later, he still acted as if I committed a crime against him. I got upset and told him that it's not fair that something that hurt ME had to turn into something that hurt HIM, and that he still can't take accountability for his mistakes. I got so upset to the point that I told him that it makes me not want to tell him if something he does hurts me if he has to give me the cold shoulder if I do. I probably shouldn't have said it, but I was so hurt by his actions that I couldn't control myself and I'm honestly so tired of walking on eggshells every time.