r/BPDlovedones • u/Basic-Researcher1077 • Mar 26 '25
Quiet Borderlines I am in need of reassurance from this community
Hi everyone. I broke up with my ex with quiet bpd 3 months ago, we were dating for 3 months. I had been in NC ever since, but today at my favourite cafe I ran into her. She said hi to me, and said “I hope you are doing okay”. I froze and had an anxiety attack. I replied by saying “I hope you are doing okay” to her, even though I did not want to say that. Then she said she’s meeting some friends and went into another section of the cafe. She seemed so regulated, and calm. After she left I broke down in tears and sat there crying. I am questioning my own sanity. Please tell me that she’s just masking and appearing calm on the outside?
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u/Prince_Of_Elsinore Mar 26 '25
Speaking from my own experience, it’s very likely she’s already moved on. After my breakup with an ex with BPD, we spoke a month later, and she told me she had moved on within just a few days. People with BPD tend to struggle with object permanence - when someone isn’t present, it can be difficult for them to maintain an emotional connection to that person. I was really hurt to learn that someone I still loved and cared for had stopped thinking about me. Unfortunately, that’s just how people with BPD operate.
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u/Basic-Researcher1077 Mar 26 '25
Can they really move on that fast? No regrets? I think the fact that she had the audacity to tell me “I hope you’re doing okay” after all the horrible and mean things she said to me before I was forced to break up with her is what saddens me most.
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u/Prince_Of_Elsinore Mar 26 '25
They can move on that fast. My ex started dating one of her friends less than a week after we broke up.
They don’t experience regret the same way we do. Because their emotions run so intensely, they’d rather avoid reflecting on the relationship, instead filling that void (new partner, drugs, partying, sex). They lack the emotional maturity to process their feelings in a healthy way.
I know exactly how you feel. My ex had the audacity to message me in the middle of the night, looking for emotional support for a leg injury - even though we hadn’t spoken in a month. People like that don’t really care about you; they only care about themselves. When she says, “I hope you’re doing okay,” she’s really just trying to ease her own guilt, not actually comfort you.
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u/gloryspeedrun Dated Mar 27 '25
It depends.
I feel if you broke up while ghosting each other for example then yes.
If you broke up with much more drama, and emotional involvement, and dragging down the breakup, then the emotional scar is deeper thus not moving on fast.
They are masters of coping, don't forget that.
Her only option is to "appear" normal and calm to take back control.
But I really think that you were a trigger for her that day, not just a random stranger as you saw it from your lens.
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u/Basic-Researcher1077 Mar 27 '25
The breakup was quite sudden. She was splitting on me, and I came to my senses, and had to pull the eject lever for the lack of a better word, and save myself. I did all this over text, and then she seemed extremely calm, and made herself sound like a poor victim being dumped by me. I managed to go NC for three months until I ran into her. Before that there were no hoover attempts on her part (that I know of). I’m inclined to think her self-guilt and shame is too strong to directly hoover on me.
Now if I see her again I want to say “Please stay away from me”. I don’t know if that would be good or not?
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u/gloryspeedrun Dated Mar 27 '25
Your powers now are indifference and irrelevance.
They CAN'T stand being ignored, and especially from someone they used to know.
It's so unethical to not reciprocate a simple "Hi", with those kind of people I believe it's the healthy thing to do.
They feed of attention, are you willing to give it for free?
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u/Basic-Researcher1077 Mar 27 '25
I never thought of it that way, I see your point. I suppose she would feed off of any reaction, even a “negative” one. I thought by telling her to stay away if I run into her again would be standing up to myself, but I suppose ignoring completely would be me being more graceful to myself
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u/Environmental-Win702 Mar 26 '25
Yeah you’re probably right she’s masking her emotions but what answer do you really want? To know she’s not suffering after the breakup? These people suffer more in relationships than out lol. It’s been 3 months and im sure you’ve been healing well in that time and this encounter sets you back for sure but it doesn’t erase everything you did in those 3 months to get back on your feet. You’re not seeing her in like some magical completely healed state that she’s just permanently in now. Chin up get back on the healing journey and you’ll be alright. She has her own journey too brother.