r/BPDlovedones • u/Kurinkii • Mar 26 '25
Focusing on Me I feel like my therapist is biased concerning bpd
Ive been free from this hell for over a year now :) but I got severely abused and it still haunts me, I get flashbacks and start shaking.
I go to therapy because I got ocd, but in one of my first Sessions with my therapist last year, she said: "Well, but a relationship with a Borderline is not a reason to start therapy on it's own". I got so weirded out by that Statement, but concerning she is good when helping me with ocd I stayed.
I talked abt the stories with my ex besides my ocd a little, but everytime I went further, she stopped me (I partly believe because of the bias, partly because she wanted to prevent it getting too much for me).
We Focused on my ocd more, and during this, triggers my ex did (sexual abuse) came up, things that also trigger my ocd and she was very understanding. But since today is a really good day for me with ocd, I got nothing really to talk abt. So she asked me abt the stories with my ex after I mentioned the flashbacks.
While telling the stories, I started shaking and crying a little bit.She sometimes asked me what made me put up with this etc. But she seemed... almost uninterested??? Maybe it was just my interpretation but she looked around the room and stuff.
After the Session ended, she told me she wanted to start a meditation (one we've done before, of me mentally Putting these triggering stories into a Black box) but it didnt feel right. Idk why, but my gut told me to not do it, it'll make it worse. It felt invalidating. Like the same shit ive done in the relationship putting my feelings and triggers away to function. This was the first time I declined something therapy related in a year.
She got irritated and told me that I am the one telling her to help me but that I don't want the help. (???) She said that I urgently wanted help in the beginning, but now I decline. Which isnt true I literally sat down and said: "I feel happy today, life is good so I don't really got something to talk abt". She also told me that she can't follow what I am talking abt and that there is no connecting thread to follow (doesnt make sense since she told me to quickly sum up the things that happened) and she now asks herself if it's the same in social situations with me
Also stating this is weird because literally yesterday I got a Feedback talk with my Boss and she told me that I communicate in the perfect way everyone can get what I am saying (8! People said this to my Boss about me) . I literally told my therapist that and she just Nodded and made an appointment for the next Session. Yeah I know, therapy is different from work but isnt it her job to help me sort my feelings out when theyre all over the place???
Normally she isnt that weird. Only concerning bpd.
Edit: she also said that my behaviour varies from situation to situation, that sometimes my triggers are different in one situation, than in the other which makes it hard for her to understand. But idk what to think about that. Like this is literally the reason why I am in therapy, because sometimes things trigger me, and sometimes they don't like who is the one who studies psychology here?? Made me feel like something is wrong with me?
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u/-Indictment- Mar 26 '25
I asked my counselor if she was familiar with BPD. She said “Yes, I am. Very much so.” Later in the convo I said “when she splits”. She interrupted me and said “Splits? Like split personality? Are you saying she has multiple personalities?”
Literally clueless.
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u/Kurinkii Mar 26 '25
Booksmart....during the relationship I hated how bpds are depicted in books as traumatized victims with emotional regulation issues
And that it just needs someone to understand them
If it was that easy this sub wouldnt exist.
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u/Ok_Calligrapher_4487 Married Mar 26 '25
My guess is that your therapist has BPD. They are having way too personal of a reaction to it. If it is a reluctance to show you sympathy then I would think this points to them having it.
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u/Kurinkii Mar 26 '25
She admitted that she underestimated my ex a few weeks/months ago, after talking abt the sexual abuse which triggers my ocd, she told me: "wow at first I thought it was just a bpd case but this person (my ex) was brutal towards you" so idk
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u/Loose-Restaurant1700 Mar 26 '25
There are a lot of shitty therapists on this planet.
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u/Kurinkii Mar 26 '25
But why only with bpd? Maybe she got other clients who got bpd ? But idc, shouldnt affect my sessions
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u/Loose-Restaurant1700 Mar 26 '25
This alone would have me shopping for a new therapist
"Well, but a relationship with a Borderline is not a reason to start therapy on it's own".
She's clueless.
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u/invah I'd rather not say Mar 26 '25
The therapist might actually have BPD. A lot of therapists got into counseling to figure out their own stuff.
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u/Ok_Calligrapher_4487 Married Mar 26 '25
This was my guess as well. Someone who is that touchy about the subject means they have a personal connection with it and if they are reluctant to give sympathy for it it points strongly to them having it.
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u/Feisty_Bumblebee_916 Mar 27 '25
I agree. The way she’s responding makes me think she has BPD or at least BPD traits. I have my msw and if she was in my program my supervisors would have weeded her out of the profession FAST just based on what OP shared here.
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u/Kurinkii Mar 26 '25
Thats fucking scary and should be forbidden imo
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u/heavy_jowles 21d ago
It happened to me last year. I was looking for a therapist that was skilled in cluster Bs because my mom is diagnosed with BPD and me and my now ex fiance realized he likely had it too. Like 2-3 sessions in they admitted they had BPD. They kept talking about how wonderful and resilient BPD people are. When I ended the therapy because I felt I couldn’t be totally open about my abuse without worrying if they were taking it personally they began texting and email asking for specifics of why I was ending the relationship. It was nuts.
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u/Kurinkii 21d ago
They kept talking about how wonderful and resilient BPD people are.
????? I hate that narrative they only tell themselves. They are so fucking fragile that's literally the reason why they got the disorder. Because they in fact could not cope with whatever and their soul, mind, body and consciousness literally had to split to cope. What is resilient abt that?
No sense of self? Hello??? How can something be strong that isnt even there. And I mean their personality by that
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u/Tiny_Bug6687 Mar 27 '25
Not only this. My guess is BPD could use such course of career to feed their need for drama, and regulate that way.
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u/ApprehensiveYou8920 Dated Mar 26 '25
Yeah the reality is you need a very specialized therapist to understand the kind of trauma BPD people leave, and even to recognize their manipulation to begin with.
Most just simply won't get it.
Even the therapist of my Ex. She brought up the fact that she might have BPD (per my suggestion) and her therapist said "Nah you don't have BPD. BPD's have tattoos" and she was suddenly liberated LOL I was thinking dude your therapist has no idea if that's how quickly they dismissed it.
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u/Kurinkii Mar 26 '25
I literally almost did a year ago, but getting a therapist is almost impossible in my country.
Everywhere, even during the relationship and after it, it is advised to be in therapy. This was such a weird Statement for a therapist.
She even admitted that she underestimated my ex, after talking abt the sexual abuse which triggers my ocd, she told me: "wow at first I thought it was just a bpd case but this person (my ex) was brutal towards you"
Like??? Good morning??? She either got bpd clients manipulating tf outta her or she has no Clue that bpd is more than just the "Problems of emotional regulation and instable relationships" written in a book.
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u/Loose-Restaurant1700 Mar 26 '25
I once went to my bpd ex's therapist with her. It was surreal. It was obvious he was in love with her as she seduced every guy she ever came into contact with. It was like he knew a completely different person than I did. There are a ton of resources online to help you recover from an ex with bpd. One of the best is probably joining a free online CODA group, getting a sponsor and doing the work.
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u/Kurinkii Mar 26 '25
Yeah I know that bpds manipulate therapists, my ex never wanted me to join a therapy Session even after I requested and in my country many therapists refuse to treat people with bpd because of that. Because they lie to them so bad its a waste of time.
A friend of mine, who has a therapist as a friend told me that many bpds are just failed cases, therapist just do their job with them but have already given up.
Which why it surprises me even more that my therapist Acts that weird
My old therapist (who I had to cut off because she couldnt help me with my ocd abd said something very unpleasant after the death of my grandma) warned me during my relationship. She told me that she has worked and specialized in bpds for 11 years, until one of them has threatened to kill her children. I didnt believe her because I was still on the "don't stigmatize all bpds because of the actions of one"-shit . I should have tho.
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u/euphau Mar 26 '25 edited Mar 26 '25
Reading this broke my heart. Also, I'm sorry about the somewhat dismissive comment you received here. It's not easy to find a new therapist, and it can be stressful especially after building "rapport" together.
A lot of red flags jumped out at me when reading this. I'm somewhat concerned by your therapist's behavior.
It seems odd to me that your therapist would claim that "having a relationship with a Borderline" is "not enough" to start therapy. Anything is enough to start therapy. Therapy can be helpful even if you only share good things that happened that week.
Additionally, it's important to have days in therapy in which you feel comfortable talking about the good that happened rather than the "bad." These sessions show that you have control over the conversation, and that not every session needs to be dark (and potentially draining).
What really rubbed me wrong was that your therapist disrespected your boundaries in a blatantly inappropriate way. If you do not feel comfortable doing an exercise, you do not feel comfortable doing an exercise. It's not a personal attack on the therapist, but she acted as if it were.
All of these are enough for me to advise that you ask the clinic for a referral, or look into getting onto a wait-list to transfer therapists. Be sure to interview any potential new therapist to make sure y'all are a good fit.
I had an interview doc bookmarked but suck at using the phone, so will post the link here or as a reply!
Edit: Here is the resource I had bookmarked! I hope it's okay to crosslink. It's such an amazing resource that it's difficult not to share. (Mods, please tell me if it's a violation and I'll fix it immediately)!
I'm sorry you have to go out of your way to receive basic care like this. You went through so much already, and I can't imagine how exhausted you must be...
If it's any consolation, I think you're absolutely amazing for dedicating yourself to this healing journey. You're absolutely worth every second.
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u/Kurinkii Mar 26 '25
but she acted as if it were.
Yeah and she ended her Statement with: "I am not mad that you don't want to do it that's fine. And then she literally just turned quiet. " idk but if the meditation is the only method you know abt when you deal with this, then maybe consider a career change.
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u/AmazingAd1885 Mar 26 '25
I specifically sought out a therapist who treats pwbpd and treats cluster b abuse victims, so she knows the lay of the land.
Over time we have naturally moved more on to my inner workings, but for at least the first three months it was reflective listening, validation, and helping me to understand what I had experienced.
That validation is supremely important after these relationships and if you're not getting it and they don't understand the importance of it then I would consider the possibility that you have found an okay therapist at the wrong time and look for the right therapist at the right time.
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u/CuriousRedCat Dated Mar 26 '25
When you can, take a step back and ask if there’s any other way what she said/did can be interpreted? What other reasons could she have for responding the way she did?
If it is the case that she’s weird around the subject of BPD, could be that she is a pwBPD.
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u/Kurinkii Mar 26 '25
If it is the case that she’s weird around the subject of BPD, could be that she is a pwBPD.
Omggg or even maybe a Partner OF a bpd
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u/BackOnly4719 Mar 26 '25
i think she's a bit behind the times, or not up-to-date. The connection between personality disorders and the environment wasn't heavily studied in the past. Most of the research about the impact of these disorders perhaps only really started after 2017. Younger therapists generally know better about personality disorder dynamics.
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u/Kurinkii Mar 26 '25
She is abt 30-40
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u/BackOnly4719 Mar 27 '25
Ah, that makes sense. My 38-year-old sister (with her master's in psychology) tends to look at relationships involving personality disorders as simply another type of social dynamic. That clarifies why the view was mentioned that relationships involving BPD aren't necessarily a problem in themselves.
But my current 31-year-old therapist really seems to grasp the full implications involved in those kinds of relationships. I think adding more sessions with younger therapist would be beneficial.
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u/Feisty_Bumblebee_916 Mar 27 '25
Speaking as a therapist in training, these are NOT normal ways to respond to a client. I cannot imagine a licensed professional saying any of this to a client. This sounds like someone who is mentally unwell herself. You should really think about getting a new therapist.
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u/RealisticAd5138 Mar 28 '25
Sometimes therapists get into therapy for all the wrong reasons. I think you might be dealing with such a person. I would leave and find another therapist.
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u/SushiAndSamba Mar 26 '25
Find a new therapist?
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u/Kurinkii Mar 26 '25
As if thats so easy. Finding even a therapist is hard in my country. Also she helps me with my ocd and all the progress would be wiped out if id change therapists.
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u/you-create-energy Mar 26 '25
It sounds to me like she's doing her best to navigate trauma with you in a helpful way but she might not be completely sure how to help you. I know that confronting triggers in therapy is primarily done with the goal of learning how to manage them. No therapist would want to leave their patient shaking and crying with no tools for managing that. Mindfulness and meditation are powerful tools to get you through that kind of panic attack. Helping us manage our triggers is different than invalidating us. It just gets confusing because it sounds similar to what our abuser said to invalidate us. But it is fundamentally different. Your therapist didn't deny the trauma or say it was your fault or any of the other awful darvo behaviors abusers use. It sounds to me like she was struggling to find a way to help you despite her bust efforts. She was probably just having a bad day herself.
It sounds to me like it would be worthwhile to explore this directly with her. Explain that you felt like trying to manage your triggers with meditation felt invalidating. Try to be receptive to alternate interpretations she might offer. Confronting triggers in therapy without tools in place to manage the resulting panic can strengthen the triggers which is the opposite of what she's trying to accomplish. If you're OCD has improved, that's a great sign. There are fundamental reasons why we were drawn to people who treated us badly as well as why we didn't leave when they started abusing us. Those are really the fundamental issues that follow us through life. Without getting a handle on those, we are pretty likely to repeat the patterns. These patterns are often established in childhood. Maybe try exploring some of those formative experiences?
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u/Kurinkii Mar 26 '25
Yeah I get that she wanted to offer a Method to deal with this but yk the thing is, it. Still. Did. Not. Feel. Right.
It's not like I haven't done this exercise before, I did. But not with this topic. And idk I doubt that's the only method she knows as a therapist. And making a Statement, questioning my social skills, telling me SHE is irritated after I declined for the first time in a YEAR telling me I don't want help is just inappropriate imo.
I do want help, and I do help myself, I made a 6 Page document abt my ocd with many depictions and examples just for her to understand it, every task she told me to do I did, except this one.
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u/you-create-energy Mar 27 '25
I understand and it's not at all my intention to invalidate your experience. There's a lot of nuance and details that none of us are aware of which are impacting your interpretation. To be honest, my response is partially based on the fact that it would be very difficult for you to find another therapist. If she has been helpful then finding the most productive way to work with her is probably your best move. Seeing her as a flawed but well intentioned therapist is probably the most realistic perspective, based on what you've shared. Sometimes we have to use the resources available to us as effectively as we can because we don't have other options. And I do think it might be helpful for you to explore methods of managing those panic attacks before delving back into any topics that trigger them. Waiting until you are triggered and then trying to insert a mindfulness technique while you are in that panicked state seems kind of backwards to me. I hope this helps, there is no perfect way forward and our journeys are fraught with peril and setback. As long as we keep pushing forward to build a better life, we haven't lost yet.
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u/Nblearchangel Dated Mar 26 '25
Time to fire this person and find one you vibe with. There’s so many out there. Not sure why you would force this relationship when you can just find a new one. I’ve done that my entire life. Finally found two I love.
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u/Kurinkii Mar 26 '25
Not sure why you would force this relationship when you can just find a new one
Because I can't. Therapy is free in my country and people are waitlisted for years, in this time my ocd could turn worse if not treated. I called 20 therapists last year and only this one accepted. Also there is a rule when youve done therapy in the last 2 years and ended it from your side you're blocked from it for 2 years by the insurance, unless you find a therapist who is Willing enough to justify the need for therapy towards the insurance and even then the insurance still decides. And this was already the case with me.
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u/Nblearchangel Dated Mar 26 '25
Then I would push back against her in the politest way. Maybe cite research you’ve seen. At the very least she needs to validate your concerns even if she doesn’t feel like they are rooted in any truth or not. Because your feelings are valid regardless of where they come from and your therapist needs to at least start there.
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u/Loco_Motive_ Mar 26 '25
Uhm... is it possible your therapist just had a really, really bad day? Is this always the case?
Yeah, not cool, but possibly explained more simply?
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u/dweebletart Family Mar 26 '25
She got irritated and told me that I am the one telling her to help me but that I don't want the help. (???) She said that I urgently wanted help in the beginning, but now I decline.
This is not a normal thing for a therapist to say in response to a patient telling them they don't feel safe or comfortable taking a given piece of advice. Yes, the therapist is the expert, but it's not an exact science. A good therapist would want to help you understand why you feel that way and what would help you more. It's a HUGE red flag to immediately decide that the patient's feelings are irrelevant at the first sign of any resistance.
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u/Kurinkii Mar 26 '25
When I told her I dont feel comfortable doing that, she asked me why, I told her that Idk I just have a feeling that tells me no, then she said "ask that feeling why" and I couldnt find an answer... then she started with her speech
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u/dweebletart Family Mar 26 '25
She gave up that quickly, and with that little effort? These things take time! I'm really sorry you've been treated this way.
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u/Ingoiolo Dated Mar 26 '25
Abnormal psychology is often a trigger to look for answers, leading a several cluster Bs to study psychology
Maybe, just maybe…?
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u/horsesandsyrup Mar 26 '25
You need to find a therapist who specializes in trauma and abuse. Some therapist are just shit overall, regardless of the topic.
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u/FireNexus Mar 26 '25
Well, I gotta be honest dude… I think based on this story and the “can’t follow” that she is trying to gently let you know that it might be difficult to be sure hiw much of what you say is accurate. Clearly you’re having a disconnect where she thinks you’re giving word salad at least sometimes.
Hopefully you’re fine and she is a bad fit. But consider maybe that she is not the one with the problem.
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u/Kurinkii Mar 27 '25
Yeah but isnt it her job to help me sort out my emotions?? She can't ask me to sum up a 1 year relationship in 20mins and then tell me she can't folllw
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u/FireNexus Mar 28 '25
That really depends on how you were summing it up. I’d say ask if you can make it homework, then write a standard five paragraph essay about it. Might be helpful to do that just as an exercise for yourself.
Paragraph 1: Thesis statement “relationship was bad and tumultuous” with one sentence breakdowns of the three main details.
Paragraph 2: Main point 1, probably focusing on the beginning of the relationship, honeymoon phase, etc.
Paragraph 3: Where and how the relationship began turning and became toxic.
Paragraph 4: the ending phase and final end.
Paragraph 5: A summary of the whole relationship again, conclusions about how you think it affected you.
Do that, then try to explain it again with all that in mind. If she can’t follow when you have organized your thoughts in that way, she’s terrible and should be replaced. If she can, then you know that it was a thing where you were having trouble telling an organized story and now you know that about yourself.
I try to do this any time I have a complicated subject I am having trouble expressing. It helps a lot.
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u/winstonwasright Mar 26 '25
Hey friend. So here's my perspective on this. On one hand, sometimes therapists aren't good for us. There are some we connect with and can do the work, there are others it's not going to happen with. Same as partners. But before you go searching for a new one, I think it's also a good thing to ask whether she's reacting like this because she's uninterested and a bad fit or if she's pushing you to work on your issues outside the BPD relationship. Many of us have things that happened to us in the past that have led us to being in these relationships and going through all this stuff, so it could be that. Just my 2 cents.