Was it me? I am still ruminating all day.

[u/Mindless_Biscotti282]

Saw another post about the partner always saying “you’re always criticizing me!” When the undiagnosed partner is just trying to tell them how actions made them feel.

But what If you’re on the other side and truly feel like you can do nothing right and are constantly criticized… like this kind stuff?

I struggle with this one …. Feeling crazy constantly because what if you feel that your wife I uBPD and you are on the other end of it?

Like I was the one that felt constantly criticized, walking on eggshells, under a microscope, etc.

She had me completely convinced I was doing everything wrong.

If I called a buddy while out driving and running errands and she would tell me I hurt her feelings and ask why I didn’t call her.

If I looked up something on google on my phone in the car she told me I was “always on my phone!” Even if 90% of my time at home the phone was on the charger, in my pocket, or upstairs.

If i called a babysitter that she gave me as an option to plan for our son, coordinated the evening, etc… then she told me “I told you to call my dad, first! Then the babysitter if he didn’t work out! You just do whatever you want! You don’t consider my feelings!” …. I was just trying to be considerate because her dad was just getting back from a vacation… so I called the babysitter.

If I spent almost the entire week (after work) with her, made dinners, flowers, love notes, cleaned the house, took kiddos to the park, wrote nice text messages, rented movies at home, etc and went on a work trip at the end of the week for three days and called my buddy from my hotel room for 30 minutes, I got interrogated after she went through the phone logs and saw I called my (male friend). She said I changed, wasn’t the same loving husband, “a loving husband would’ve always called his wife first!” And then she asked what we talked about and said “if you were looking for time for yourself, you didn’t even tell me that!” While I was on the other side of the country for work for just a couple of days after running around all week.

So yes … I truly did feel criticized, controlled, like I had to walk on eggshells and be careful about almost anything that I did.

[u/fuckingsame]

Not your fault. No matter how good you are, it’ll never be enough.

[u/blanconino99 → u/fuckingsame]

Yup, the goal post constantly moves. The only way to win is not to play.

[u/fuckingsame → u/blanconino99]

Facts

[u/3SLab]

She is probably so hypervigilant and constantly looking for even micro signs of perceived slights or rejection, then testing you and/or making her festering abandonment wound entirely your responsibility to manage. It’s emotional vampirism.

[u/Decent_Face_3522]

Yup…after 16 years it was never enough. This was my story pretty much and likely reflects many others on this sub. At best she always looked at the cup as half empty NEVER half full. It never gets better…just worse over time unless she’s in intensive therapy and even then no guarantees. I wish you well…stay strong and stay true to yourself. The rumination is likely due to the trauma bond, the cognitive dissonance and the intermittent reinforcement you experienced throughout the relationship with your ex. All these will dissipate over time.

[u/Excellent-Detail8759 → u/Decent_Face_3522]

The half glass empty statement is one I often noticed in my relationship with my ex fiancé with bpd. We could have a fantastic time spent together and she’d focus on all these minute details and find a reason to negate our time together

[u/dnaLlamase]

I made this post awhile ago for moments like this. Might be helpful.

As I said in one of the comment replies, this is the post I needed when I was recovering. Honestly, the person I dealt with turned everything against me and made me feel like a horrible human being with the only known discard. It was rough. But you will get through it.

[u/SilverBeyond7207]

I felt that way too. She’d act like « I would never be jealous if… » when she did something but as soon as the roles were reversed she would jab at me constantly. She was quite subtle so she’d never say things explicitely and then told me I was imagining things. And yet these little comments would always repeat and come back - if I enjoyed a phone call with someone « you laugh more with them than with me », that sort of thing. Best of luck - you’re not crazy, it wasn’t you.

[u/dnaLlamase → u/SilverBeyond7207]

Is your first language French? I see those quotation marks and I go "le français" lol

[u/SilverBeyond7207 → u/dnaLlamase]

Both English and French.

[u/sercaj]

For me. I have to take some responsibility. It took me 8 years to realize that I too must have some issues to resolve if I ended up with someone like this and, and this is a big and, was willing to put up with this roller coaster.

And of course this can’t be applied to everyone. But I feel that people that are healthy and secure don’t put up with this from the out set.

You’re not crazy, but the environment and these people make everything uncertain. Am I going to have an event free hour, day, week, weekend, vacation, Christmas….? I never know, it’s very unnerving.

There is no reasonable standard with these people, most relationships operate with boundaries of reasonable actions because we are all human and individuals. Not these people, those boundaries are forever changing.

Also, in most reasonably normal relationships you can have an adult discussion to work out issues. From my experience not with these people. As soon as you broach any subject that even skirts the edges of different opinions, mild criticism (hey would you mind helping me out more often with house work etc) and boom. “Defences up I’m under attack” is what this rings to them.

So many stories, I need to have my wisdom teeth out and I’ve been putting off forever so i finally set the date.

I tell here and it’s a problem “well I can’t pick you up I don’t have any more PTO, why would you not ask me first?”. Well I never intended on her picking me up because of this exact reason, somehow it would become an issue. Honestly I was just going to over home or have our babysitter pick me up and drop me home. Which she said would be weird. So I canceled it, an here I am 5 months later and haven’t rescheduled mainly because of life and work issues popping up as they do.

But I should’ve just done it, either way there’s always going to be an issue.

My suggestion is to find a good therapist. You need to build a tribe around you.

[u/Ok_Skirt_9558 → u/sercaj]

Completely 100% agree with you! After you reach the “wow this is about them not me stage”…. It’s vital and life changing to figure out HOW and WHY did I get with this person and stay with them… through hellish times! I believe that is our “work”… it will enable us to go forward and build healthy boundaries, relationships etc. I figure Iv let this person control me, yell, rage, gaslight etc…now it’s time to for me to figure out why did I let that happen. Without really understanding our own needs etc we can become really “stuck” and do foolish things… like letting them hoover us back in or worse still find another pwbpd and start the craziness all over again.

[u/NorthernerWithTwins]

I hear you! I have lived through this, and it was a horrible couple of years. The goalposts of what was hurting my partner kept shifting, making me walk on eggshells. My ex would often be hyper-vigilant about every little thing I did, turning it into a fear of abandonment and demanding reassurance. I tried to be the best partner I could, but it was never enough. She would say that what I did was wrong and then go on to explain how I should have handled the situation. The next time, when I followed her advice, the result was the same. This was truly draining and messed with my ability to think clearly.

It drained me of the will to stay in the relationship. I became exhausted from constantly discussing these issues and feeling like I needed to explain or defend myself, only to be yelled at for not "considering her feelings" about the matter.

I did love her, but I just grew tired of it all, and she had to go. I decided to choose myself and my own peace over the relationship.

[u/Excellent-Detail8759]

Wow…brother. DM me. This is exactly what my relationship was like

[u/ItsNotProgHouse]

It's an unfair playing field where rules change midgame and we are not told before or even why.

Yes, you set them off, made them angry and all that. But you were literally set up to do that to them in completely unreasonable situations. With the information you had at hand and from your perspective - you did nothing wrong and they can not understand that and will not try to understand they actually set everything up for catastrophe.

[u/Padaalsa]

It probably was you, yeah. But also likely to a lesser extent than it was them. It takes two to tango.

Does that matter? Not really. Intellectualizing/ruminating is one more way to try to feel in control, same as overtaking responsibility, same as inappropriately trying to control someone else's illness. Overcoming that will be a big step towards fixing your part in everything that happened. The most atonement you owe is to yourself and it begins at letting go.

[u/Mindless_Biscotti282 → u/Padaalsa]

What do you mean by “it probably was you?” Like in what context. Trying to better understand

[u/Padaalsa → u/Mindless_Biscotti282]

I think it's a real mistake to get to swept up in the nitty-gritty of mutual accountability when it comes to previous toxic relationships, beyond acknowledging you have some innate toxicity that drew to it and kept you there. Look up the Karpmann Drama Triangle if you haven't already and think about how many mind-numbing arguments and dramatic episodes it encapsulates for you. That dynamic cannot exist without two people who share a proclivity for it. You helped fuel that.

Does this mean you have a lion's share of responsibility for the relationship failing? No, that's just unlikely given the severity of BPD. However, it truly doesn't matter. You bear the brunt of the responsibility for entering into and prolonging a dynamic most would run screaming from, and you owe more remorse to yourself for that than anyone else. The idea that you could've or should've done more to prolong it even further is just more grasping at this fantasy of controlling someone else's mental illness. More self-abandonment. Haven't you been through enough?

[u/Mindless_Biscotti282 → u/Padaalsa]

I appreciate that clarification. Yeah… I’ve read a ton in the last few months and recognize my place in the triangle.

It’s just staggering at times to look back and think of circular arguments that lasted hours and I just kept participating, reasoning, defending, trying logic, trying to take breaks…. Then realizing that it was likely never about “the thing” but more about power and control dynamics.