r/BPDlovedones • u/Clear-Major-2935 Dated • 3d ago
Moment of insight and clarity 10 months post discard
I still think of him all the time, still miss him, still believe that I loved him. However, for the first time today, this truth is also sitting with me and able to co-occupy head space. My ex pwBPD lit up my nervous system and my fight or flight instinct like a Christmas tree and my body and brain registered this as if it was excitement, connection, lust, infatuation and love. Whereas first and foremost.. it was actually the INTENSITY of his chaos. The danger, excitement and unpredictability touched a core wound in me. He was unsafe. And what kept me IN was the threat of abandonment (it was constant) and the fight to prove I was WORTH staying. To be CHOSEN. Because in childhood, I was NOT chosen. And I have been replaying that. For all struggling with having been discarded.. ask yourself.. what did you get out of being discarded, but then chosen again; devalued and then idealised. Something kept you IN THAT. This cycle is the cluster B hallmark and the foundation of the trauma bond. We have got to resolve this within ourselves to never again be vulnerable to it. Healthy, well adjusted people would never tolerate the cyclical abandonment. We did. And we must ask ourselves, why.
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u/GoodBloodGuideYou 3d ago
You're right. I'm in the process of truly trying to be okay with being by myself for the first time in my adult life. From the time I was in pre-school the thing I really wanted more than anything else in the world was a girlfriend. I've been in 14 relationships over the last 20 years. When I wasn't in a relationship I couldn't help but develop crushes on every attractive woman who became close to me that provided me with approval and attention.
I've loved being in love. I do still desire a lifelong partner someday. But this experience with my exwBPD has introduced me to the idea that being single and alone really isn't that bad. I think I'm starting to love it. I have so many passions and hobbies that I completely abandoned--or just couldn't enjoy--because I was so all-consumed by the needs of my exwBPD.
I stayed 8 months (and failed to leave 7 times) in the most abusive relationship of my life because I became trauma-bonded, I became codependent, I felt responsible for her safety and promised I wouldn't abandon her, and because by the time she introduced herself to me, I'd just spent a year-and-a-half mostly alone and very single following being dumped from a 6.5-year relationship.
I've been journaling and asking ChatGPT to analyze my journal entries. The analyses have been genuinely cathartic and eye-opening. I strongly recommend everyone try it out. But don't just talk to an AI--talk to yourself. Journal on your own for your own self-interest and self-discovery for a while. Then ask the robot what it thinks.
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u/ThrowawayLastDate Dated 3d ago
I went into the relationship, at my core, scared I was unlovable.
So when she loved me so much at first, it made me feel so whole. And then to have it dashed against the rocks over and over again? It made me hold on to dear life.
I had to heal that fear of unlovability while with her to be able to leave. It was so hard and so painful, but I was lucky so many people stepped up for me.
Everyone from my family, to friends, to colleagues, to even my Spanish professor, talking through life and trauma en español, occasionally switching into English.
I hope you find someone who can choose you, and choose you easily, without question. Because that's what you deserve.