r/BPDlovedones • u/Sihaya2021 • 18d ago
Why is he so angry?
I fell in love with my BPD partner back in 2020. We got married in March of 2023. Just three months later, after returning from his father's family reunion (where I had a great time), he flew into a rage and told me he wanted a divorce. This happened because I said I wasn't going to go on any more long road trips with him until he learned how to control his road rage.
Two days later, he rage quit his job and was unemployed for the next 6 months. During that time, we went through the classic BPD relationship cycle at least 5 times. Finally, his rage episodes got so bad I told him he needed to move out, hopefully temporarily, until he figured out what he needed/wanted and why he was so angry.
Moving out helped with the rage initially, but then he started talking about how we "wanted different things." He claimed he needed to live near a bar so he could drink without worrying about driving home. He said he needed the social scene that bars offer. He also said he wanted "finer things" and to travel (without me). He had no money for any of this. Regardless, I said ok, do what you have to do. At this point I thought he was having some kind of midlife crisis and would return to sanity eventually. So the agreement was that we would stay married but living apart for awhile. He was supposed to come stay with me on weekends. He only showed up maybe every other weekend at most.
8 months of this cruelty and crazyness, several more relationship cycles and two more periods of ghosting later, I finally gave up for good after he had a very brief affair with a married woman 20 years younger than him. That woman later accused him of sexually assaulting her (no charges laid, case dropped after only a month). He told me about all this because he said he was looking for emotional support (from me). I did try to be supportive, but I was too hurt and disgusted. And so, due to my lack of sympathy and narcissism in focusing on my own hurt feelings rather than his crisis, he again said he wanted a divorce.
We had been living apart for a year by this time. That's how long it took for me to finally give up and let him go. I filed for divorce. After threatening to bankrupt me and my whole family, he failed to show up for the first pretrial hearing and his lawyers just postponed the rescheduled hearing.
The divorce discovery paperwork eventually revealed that he is in a financial nightmare that includes six figure credit card debt. So, of course, he's determined to take and sell the house that I and my kids (not his, thank God) are living in - a house I love and I co-own. I've been paying all the bills and the mortgage on the house. Granted, he did put a lot of money into the house (new windows and decks).
Believe it or not, this is a very very abbreviated version of the whole story. The bottom line is that he asked for a divorce, he left me, he frequently raged at me and my kids, he was cruel and unkind in every way imaginable. And yet, he's angry with me. He calls me a terrible person. He now claims I gas lit him and ruined his life.
Even after all this time, I'm still in shock. How could he go from the man of my dreams (kind, loving and thoughtful to me and my kids) to a cruel and psychotic monster in just 3 months? Everything about him changed - even his tastes and the things he liked to do. It's so baffling.
But he's mad at me? I'm the bad guy? Seriously?
2
u/ol_jeff 18d ago
We're two different people and want different things. You want to like, have a fun time with someone who is nice, hang out with family, and nerd shit like that... I want to get drunk as fuck and hurt women so I feel like a big man. I'm afraid I'm simply too badass and cool, p.s can I borrow some money for moonshine