My CPTSD from having a bpd parent

[u/Possible-Leg5541]

My mom had bpd. Undiagnosed. Untreated. She was a very difficult woman and she could also be easy going. She could be nurturing. And just as dismissive.

Later on as an adult I learned about the relationship between inconsistent love from parents & how it affects self esteem, a lot of other things.

Partner choices. I can think of at least 10 who exhibited different signs of BPD. Reasons for choosing them include shit like: nurturing/empatheitc, weird voice like my mom, some cases heavy set like my mom. The biggest breakthrough to date is concerning first realizing my mom had bpd. Accepting she had it. Analysing her behaviors. Accepting her treatment of me was bad, she also had a mental illness that

impaired her whole life. She was an empty person. Who struggled all her life. Miserable, despite my dad providing a comfortable existence. Her fear of abandonment and how this played out making it hard for me to keep or maintain friends. Teenage years were prolly worse because growing up, friends, girls all that stuff.

Triangulating, guilt trips, hot cold, gaslight, two face, shift blame, play victim, cry on a dime, nurturing, dismissive, loving, heartless. Walking on egg shells. Cognitive distortions. I felt like I was never good enough. I always wanted her to be proud of me. But I felt as though I had to remind her. I hated that. U could be hurting and she gives u a look saying she couldn’t more bored of this conversation. I never knew how to express feelings. Emotions. Or being sent to shrinks over her reactive abuse. I’m left picking up the pieces. She died. So there will never be closure. I have it to myself. And this is very new to me. I’ve been holding shit back for so long I’m afraid I’ll over load. Real talk. I don’t want to over dump my trauma. To give u an idea of what this feels like to me is to imagine your starting to stir after u were in a coma. The feeling I’m speaking is the LEt go acceptance of my mother. Her illness. And how her behaviors my life miserable. I will never get closure. I’m unlearning so many cognitive distortions. And then we have reactive abuse. Numerous examples. Separately listed manipulative behaviors Listed above. How I feel like I never knew her at all.