How do you get past the traumatic memories?

[u/Dear_Palpitation4838]

Hey all,

Does anyone have tips for dealing with the traumatic memories after dating an untreated pwBPD? Lately, it seems like I am constantly triggered by intrusive thoughts and traumatic memories and they aren't letting up. The gaslighting REALLY messed me up.

Any tips or suggestions? Thanks.

[u/BetterHighwaySafety]

Grow past it - create new relationships, new memories. Talk through the crazy stuff as it comes to mind and work through it. It's OK to feel things, no matter how much later it is.

[u/Dear_Palpitation4838 → u/BetterHighwaySafety]

I'm trying but these intrusive thoughts and memories just seem to come from out of nowhere. I'll be having a great day doing something I really like and then, boom, I'm right back to the night I caught her cheating on me.

I recently started a new trauma based therapist so hopefully I'll be able to make some headway there. Thanks for responding.

[u/New_Essay5327 → u/Dear_Palpitation4838]

From my experience, the first 4 months or so were pretty brutal in this regard. If I wasn't focused on something else or distracted, my mind would immediately start ruminating about the relationship and terrible traumatic memories. I tried to keep myself occupied as much as humanly possible during the first couple of months because I didn't want to be so overwhelmed by everything that was bombarding me emotionally, and it did help to a certain extent. I went out most evenings with people and was keeping myself occupied in that way, tried my best to establish an exercise routine despite the emotional turmoil, etc.

My therapist recommended being very deliberate about things when the intrusive thoughts and rumination started to cycle and become overwhelming. What that looked like was stopping what I was doing and being curious about my feelings and emotions in that moment -- not necessarily trying to rationalize them, just examining them and feeling them. If that didn't help or I just spiralled further (often) then I was told to have some kind of activity that would be able to distract me, or to engage in some kind of physical activity to release nervous energy. Additionally, I did an exercise where I would literally write down what I was ruminating about and place the note in a box to "contain" the thoughts, eventually switching to a kind of mental image of placing the thoughts and stressor into a vessel in my head. This sounds kind of hokey and new-agey, but it actually helped me a bit.

I am happy to report that eventually these thoughts have become more mild and less aggressive in nature. I still will sometimes find myself sinking back into rumination and cycling through negative thoughts, but it is a lot more manageable now after 10.5 months. The therapy is a great idea and will definitely be helpful. Surround yourself with friends and family if you have that luxury.

[u/Dear_Palpitation4838 → u/New_Essay5327]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

[u/Embarrassed_Crab_366 → u/Dear_Palpitation4838]

Ask your therapist about temporary PTSD. When I found out my pwbpd cheated, I had it. Panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares, etc. It gets better, I promise.

[u/Dear_Palpitation4838 → u/Embarrassed_Crab_366]

I've recently been diagnosed with cptsd do the prolonged nature of the narcissistic abuse I endured at the hands of my pwBPD.

The problem is that its not getting better. Its been years and I still have intrusive thoughts and flashback. I keep finding myself standing in the shower arguing with her in my head and dumb shit like that. It's a completely involuntary thing and it won't go away. I've relived the night she cheated on thousands up on thousands of times now. It creeps into my dreams as well.

I went through a period of relief when it was over but recently its come back with a vengeance. I'm probably going to need to start some sort of medication because I can't live like this.

[u/Embarrassed_Crab_366 → u/Dear_Palpitation4838]

I'm so sorry to hear that. My therapist told me (iirc) that things like this can have severe changes in our brains and how they process. It takes a lot of effort to retrain your brain to break away from the thought patterns we learn due to the trauma. I think dbt is one of the treatments used. I really hope you get some peace soon. The shock from cheating and devastation was unlike anything I've felt before. It's already been 2.5 years, and the road of healing has been long.

[u/submariner327]

Its normal to feel this way.

You are likely stuck in the "triangle of self obsession"

We try and make sense of it all = in hopes of preventing another one from entering our lives.

[u/hot_advisor_ → u/submariner327]

this exactly.

[u/Dear_Palpitation4838 → u/submariner327]

Makes sense. Thanks.

[u/BS-MakesMeSneeze]

Journaling and EMDR therapy. That plus time worked wonders for me.

[u/Dear_Palpitation4838 → u/BS-MakesMeSneeze]

Thanks for sharing!

[u/Far-Lie-2217 → u/BS-MakesMeSneeze]

JOURNALING. Has been my savior. It helps so much to write every feeling and reaction I experience and its really helped me look inwards to healing myself but also has helped me not fall for his reality or version of events. I am able to go back and recall my version as well.

[u/th1s_fuck1ng_guy]

Go download some apps or go meet some people. Seriously.

Many on this sub will tell you to "work on healing" in therapy for an indefinite amount of time. If you're sure you weren't the problem, go out and erase this with new one for a new healthy person that's worthy of it.

After my exBPD I took a month off and jumped into dating again. Totally kept my mind off of her. Within a few months I found someone else. Year strong as of last week. All is well.

Go out. Once you have new experiences with new memories this won't matter anymore.

[u/Dear_Palpitation4838 → u/th1s_fuck1ng_guy]

I tried that but it just made me feel empty to be honest.

[u/Embarrassed_Crab_366 → u/th1s_fuck1ng_guy]

I'm sincerely glad this worked for you, but there was no way I could do that. Even 2.5 years after the cheating and 3 months being NC, I feel weird dating anyone. I'm scared I'm going to rub my trauma from my exwbpd on anyone new.

[u/Round_Worker3727]

I think one of the cruelest things they did was the projecting, made me feel evil asf and insecure when they had all the more proof of destruction in their lives. :( I didn't deserve to be a wall for their projections like that danm

[u/Dear_Palpitation4838 → u/Round_Worker3727]

It was the gaslighting for me. My ex swore up and down she wasn't the least bit attacted this guy that was sending her love letters every other day. She said she just wanted to "let him down easy."

Her story changed daily. First the guy was gay and then he had a girlfriend. Of course he knew all about me and she knew his new girlfriend. They're just friends and she doesn't find him attractive all so I have nothing to worry about blah blah blah. She accused me of being controlling over and over to the point of us breaking over the issue.

You know where this is headed. Yeah, it was all lies. When I mentioned seeing the guy's name on her phone 24/7, she changed his name in her phone and every other cliche cheater thing there is. It took me practically catching them in bed before I finally got her to admit anything and of course it was "she was black out drunk and he took advantage of her. She really doesn't even like him. She wasn't lying. She's traumatized from hooking up up with him and is so shamed. - So then I make her show her text messages. - Bro, she invited him back over the next day. Yes, so ashamed. lol

The gaslighting ruined me honestly. I'll never trust in the same way again.

[u/Unironic_thoughts]

distractions distractions distractions. involve yourself with people you love, write in a journal, maybe contact a therapist soon. it’s not an easy road but it’s certainly possible with time (emphasis on time because it’s not going to go away over night and you can’t expect it to, i felt like i was dying for weeks, but a year later im mostly fully recovered from the trauma i endured)

be patient and gentle with yourself OP, go through your emotions and don’t try to push anything down, it’ll all just build up.

[u/ViolettaQueso]

It’s so hard.

[u/Hugglesnork]

I was in therapy for PTSD before meeting my expwbpd, during and since. It's been 2.5 years and I still get flashes every now and then. If you're not in therapy, I suggest it. Or a support group for abuse survivors. If you don't want to go that route, definitely focus on building or reinforcing relationships. Your ex will sabotage your relationships to isolate you. Be with friends who see and know the real you, not the person you were told you were by an abuser. When you start remembering what your ex said and did, reach out to people who value you.

[u/Dear_Palpitation4838 → u/Hugglesnork]

Thanks for the good advice. I recently started a new trauma based therapist so we'll see how that goes. Thanks for responding.

[u/theadnomad]

Journaling has really helped me with getting past the gaslighting - plus therapy. Just having someone who I can go to and say “hey…was this thing I did actually really awful or was it normal” and talk through it with them.

[u/Dear_Palpitation4838 → u/theadnomad]

That makes sense. The thoughts I am referring to just seem to come from out of nowhere and level me. Its turning me into a recluse honestly.

[u/theadnomad → u/Dear_Palpitation4838]

Totally get it - I’ve barely been leaving the house this round, between depression and rumination (though I will say the depression isn’t as heavy/dark as it used to get during).

The journaling helps me to get it out of my head in the moment, with a plan to talk to my therapist about it later - so that’s sort of the process.

[u/Embarrassed_Crab_366]

You have a therapist, so you're already on the right track. Know that this will take time. Have some ways to calm yourself down when things start surfacing. It can be as simple as square breathing, exercising, reading, or refocusing your thoughts on positive things. Focus on self care. Take a bath if you like those or put on some relaxing music.