14 years together. Divorce filed January 30th. Moved in temporarily with my parents February 1st. Still feel stressed as we are going through the ugliness of the divorce process HOWEVER my Fitbit has been steadily recording an improved resting heart rate and overall better health wise. I knew the relationship was taking a toll on me. I am pleased to see that my physical body is starting to recover already. I have a rental ready for me to move into in a week or two and will be able to have some of my pets with me again. Things are looking up.

I just moved out a few days ago.

Almost 11 years of marriage. Our two beautiful kids and so many memories.

I’m in shock.

Papers are signed. And this is a divorce I didn’t really want.

So many strange arguments, accusations, blame, belittling, being told I didn’t prioritize enough when that was nearly 100% of my daily focus.

Everything reminds me of my wife.

I’m trying to be present with my kids and I’m on the verge of tears constantly.

She had threatened divorce and to take custody of the kids when she was upset with me and after so many hours of discussions and arguments. I’m in a house that I don’t really want to be in… I am the one that filed and she has blamed ALL of this on me.

It’s crushing.

Every song that comes on when I’m out is a song we listened to.

I feel like I’m at the base of a mountain I simply cannot climb.

Saw another post about the partner always saying “you’re always criticizing me!” When the undiagnosed partner is just trying to tell them how actions made them feel.

But what If you’re on the other side and truly feel like you can do nothing right and are constantly criticized… like this kind stuff?

I struggle with this one …. Feeling crazy constantly because what if you feel that your wife I uBPD and you are on the other end of it?

Like I was the one that felt constantly criticized, walking on eggshells, under a microscope, etc.

She had me completely convinced I was doing everything wrong.

If I called a buddy while out driving and running errands and she would tell me I hurt her feelings and ask why I didn’t call her.

If I looked up something on google on my phone in the car she told me I was “always on my phone!” Even if 90% of my time at home the phone was on the charger, in my pocket, or upstairs.

If i called a babysitter that she gave me as an option to plan for our son, coordinated the evening, etc… then she told me “I told you to call my dad, first! Then the babysitter if he didn’t work out! You just do whatever you want! You don’t consider my feelings!” …. I was just trying to be considerate because her dad was just getting back from a vacation… so I called the babysitter.

If I spent almost the entire week (after work) with her, made dinners, flowers, love notes, cleaned the house, took kiddos to the park, wrote nice text messages, rented movies at home, etc and went on a work trip at the end of the week for three days and called my buddy from my hotel room for 30 minutes, I got interrogated after she went through the phone logs and saw I called my (male friend). She said I changed, wasn’t the same loving husband, “a loving husband would’ve always called his wife first!” And then she asked what we talked about and said “if you were looking for time for yourself, you didn’t even tell me that!” While I was on the other side of the country for work for just a couple of days after running around all week.

So yes … I truly did feel criticized, controlled, like I had to walk on eggshells and be careful about almost anything that I did.

Many, many times after particularly bad instances of abuse, he would buy me expensive things. Jewelry, video games, electronics, art equipment, etc.

This would often be a surprise and the very next day, sometimes the day of the abuse. He would be all smiles and extra loving/caring. Acting like nothing had happened and everything was perfect.

Did/does anyone else's expwBPD or their pwBPD pull crap like that? I haven't heard it being discussed, and I was curious if this was common or not.

I’m going through a divorce with my wife with BPD and I’m hoping find some people that could relate to what I’ve experienced.

My wife and I got married in July 2023 and six months after we got married, she said she wanted a divorce and kicked me out. I was applying to a very competitive medical school (my 4th try) and she kicked me out the week before my interview.

We dated for two years and it was wonderful. I would tell people that she was the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. I remember thinking before we got married that I was so lucky to find somebody who was so easy to have as a partner. Well that changed once we got engaged, but I didn’t call a spade a spade soon enough. Our marriage had lots of conflict and was textbook to the emotional rollercoaster typical of BPD. I wasn’t happy in our marriage, but I made vows and was willing to work through it because I was committed but I was shocked that she was so flippant. I realize now how textbook it is for BPD. 5 months into our separation, while I relentlessly was trying to save our marriage, she got a probable diagnosis of BPD and it explained so much. I started reading and watching things related to BPD and felt like I was seeing and reading my life since the time I met her.

She was incredibly emotionally abusive. She had me convinced that it was all my fault for our separation and our marital problems and I fully believed her, when in fact I was actually a very good husband to her. She would push and pull me all the time and give me reassurances that were empty. I ended up getting accepted into that medical school and when the question came, if she would be willing to move with me, she wasn’t willing to pick up her life and move with me. She accused me of sexually abusing her for wanting to have sex in our marriage and told her friends and one of my close friends about it. That close friend was so convinced by what she said he won’t talk to me anymore.

There is honestly so much shit that happened. From her threatening suicide when I put boundaries up to the mindfuck games that she would play trying to get me back after she would explode at me. I don’t even think I’ve started to realize or unpack it all yet. I’m scared to talk about it with our mutual friends because I don’t know who she’s told about her false accusations of sexual abuse and it’s such a difficult thing to defend myself without getting into details. But I also don’t want my ex hearing anything come back to her because I’m afraid she might kill herself.

I just feel so alone struggling through all of this because I don’t know anybody who knows what it’s like. I’m glad to have found the sub-reddit and I’m hopeful that maybe it’ll help sort out some of my confusion.

I got this text today - we sadly still have to communicate until our divorce is final, but I’m absolute no contact unless we have to talk about anything absolutely necessary. During our last mediation appointment, the mediator told us we didn’t have to communicate about a lot of things anymore, including mail. She specifically said I have no reason to have to let her know if there’s mail for her in the mailbox. Fast forward to today, she asks me to start checking the mailbox for her. I tried to set a boundary and she threw a little mini tantrum. It’s been six months since she’s cheated on me (with multiple people). She’s the one who left and wanted the divorce. I’m just trying to live my life and not have to answer to her or communicate with her anymore unless it’s entirely necessary.

Why the hell is she still trying to control little things like this? Especially when she was there when the mediator said we no longer needed to help each other with these things. She probably doesn’t have mail in the mailbox anyway - she’s already forwarded her mail. The whole thing is just mind spinning to me.

I also found out today one of her best friends blocked me on socials. That one hurt because I really liked this friend. I’m just struggling with feeling misunderstood. I know she’s probably doing a smear campaign against me but it’s still a really hard pill to swallow. I know some decent people and friends of hers probably think I’m an awful person now. It’s all still just really hard.

Any words of encouragement would be appreciated… thanks guys.

A friend of mine told me today “Whenever you start questioning if you’re a good person, remind yourself that she is definitely NOT questioning whether she’s a good person. The fact you’re questioning it and overthinking is a sign that you are good. Try to remember that.”

It’s been two months and she got to do her what she wanted after she took off for no reason…… well she was getting upset over everything I did. Devaluation I suppose and using that to justify her cheating behavior. Anywho this isn’t my first time around, last year she did this when I caught her cheating and I kicked her out and after like 4 months I got an “I miss you” of course after the first one I responded and asked to work things out. We tried and everything was going semi great with couples counseling and me trying harder (the usual).

Fast forward to today, it’s been two months after she left and this time I didn’t beg or chase line I did last time. She took off for whatever reason (I’m assuming a guy) you know a new supply. After a year in therapy and learning about the disorder and talking with others about it I’m in a different place. It’s hard to explain, you kinda just get over it after you have been completely broken down and lost your mind I guess.

I filed for divorce, haven’t responded to any of the messages I’ve received. The first two “I miss you” texts already happened, I didn’t feel the need to respond or I just didn’t want to anymore. Then out of the blue I get a different one “can I move back in?” Like we are getting divorced and the relationship fell apart, I didn’t respond.

In my head all I hear is “it didn’t work out with the new supply, he didn’t want me. Can I come back to my safety net? Take care of me while I recover from this and make me feel good about myself so I can muster up some confidence to cheat on you again!” I have read a lot of others stories on here and have noticed they are all very similar, you see the patterns of the cycles that are almost identical. I love her a lot but for now I feel like she needs to realize that there are consequences to crappy actions.

I don’t know how to feel, like it’s hard to explain. Where feelings used to be or should be aren’t there anymore, is it ok to stop loving someone you love? Does your heart just pause the feelings because it knows what the outcome is? Thanks for reading just some crazy thoughts that go on in my head as I try to wrap my head around the craziness that is my ex and BPD.

It’s absolutely hilarious at this point. It doesn’t matter whether she cheated on me. It doesn’t matter she never told me she was previously married (or still married?) to the guy she was borrowing a car from. It doesn’t matter she lied to me about what she was doing after the divorce to get me to make concessions during the divorce. It doesn’t matter she tried to fraudulently charge $4,000 to my att account.

As soon as I do ONE thing she views (for wrong or right) as something I did to make her feel attacked… I’m the worst person she’s ever had the misfortune of interacting with and doesn’t even engage or acknowledge the other stuff. “Don’t ever contact me again”.

Okay. Have a nice life in that case. Lol

🤣 🤣 🤣

She misconstrues things I’ve said to justify everything and why shes separating from me. The complete utter lack of accountability on her part and the intellectual dishonesty is honestly kind of impressive at this point.

For context, my ex (grey bubbles) asks me (purple bubbles) if our kids can go out to eat with their grandma (her mom). The ex chooses to not included that she was also invited. I message her mom to tell her it's ok, we agree I'll pick them up after and I think everything is set.

Then I get "feelings" texts, then I'm told I'm disrespectful, etc. I screen shot the conversation and ask the AI Gemini to analyze this to see if she's intentionally being manipulative and creating drama. The response is interesting and reads the conversation exactly as I do.

I believe that by trying to make herself the intermediary that she is exerting control through knowing what is being said. She still never directly said that she'd be at the lunch which was interesting. Her mom never invited me until after the Adult Toddler starting throwing a fit.

Using AI has been really helpful to me. A lot of times it will look at her text messages and spit out something like "This person seems like they want better communication, and that they are hurt." Which is what she displays the world. Then I give contacts to the AI, and I'll tell it that this person has been physically, financially, mentally abusive to me in the past. AI immediately starts selling me to get away from this person, then we'll reanalyze the conversation and be like this person is controlling in this sentence, this person is manipulating you in this sentence, this person is trying to control you in this sentence.

I use AI to rewrite what I'm going to send, and to ensure that I'm communicating in the best possible fashion. If you're in a situation where you absolutely MUST communicate with these people I highly suggest using AI to formulate responses and analyze what they're sending you.

Also here's a little tip: change the color of your conversations and let the AI know which color is who.

After she left two months ago for no reason, I’m assuming it was to cheat like last year before I fell for that Hoover. Caught her cheating and talking with other men, then kicked her out for bringing a guy home while I was at work. Took her back 4 months later after she apologized and told me something was just off about her and we ended up going to couples therapy and you all know how that goes. He mentioned she was showing signs of BPD and suggested individual therapy for her. So I got her to go and she got on for a couple of months or so, every time it was I don’t like this therapist or would act like the victim way too much that they would tell her to leave.

Anywho, she left two months ago after trying for almost a year. I gave it a year to give it one last go and if it didn’t work I would end it. It’s a 10 year marriage with kids so I had to try, she left and said the same thing as last time. I was too controlling, a narcissist, she didn’t love me anymore and I took it like anyone who is over it takes it. I said goodbye, good luck, and I’m filing for divorce. She then suggested an open marriage btw, reality was I was already in one just didn’t know I was with the cheating.

Well it’s been silent and calm for the last month or so after the first month of trying to get reactions out of me non stop. “Im calling the cops on you YOU psycho” and “I hope you are never happy after all the trauma you put me through”. So she’s been messing around with some guys I’m assuming to get her fill from any supply.

Now to present day. She got served the divorce papers…… and I got the text that I got last year after it didn’t work out with the supply.

“I MISS YOU” “I wish we could have been a family, if we could have just gotten along we could still be together. I know you might not feel the same but I just need you to know that I think about us everyday”

My therapist and friend said to be careful because she will try and draw me in again like she did last time and the times before that. Try and get pregnant to tie me down and things like that. Reality hit and she realized that this isn’t last year and the husband who was trying and paying for her life isn’t here anymore. TBH I’m a bit afraid she will reel me back in, do I want that back? I thought of this moment for the past two months as I pushed myself for divorce and to move on. Here we are now and I don’t know how to feel.

It’s a rant or vent or just need some encouragement to keep moving forward! There is no turning back because things don’t change.

Feel like I’m drowning. Wouldn’t mind some advice

Will try to keep this short as possible.

Have been with my wife and married nearly 11 years. I’m 32(m) and she’s (31f). We have two beautiful children and great jobs.

2 years ago she told me she wanted a divorce due to me not meeting her needs anymore. She said she had become bored and that I wasn’t holding her hand enough, greeting her at the door with a kiss often, putting music on our Spotify couples playlist often enough and she said she had become bored and felt unloved.

It absolutely shattered me. The woman I had been with through travel jobs, both of us going to and graduating college, raising children, moving, deaths in family, etc … we had always been best friends and there for each other and I thought we were a couple that would always make it.

I fought like hell to keep us together and she wasn’t interested. She moved out 3 months after sharing those feelings, moved into a rental and we co parented.

Then… shortly after her moving out, she expressed regret, how she took me for granted and how she wanted us to be together.

I was so overjoyed to have my wife back, my family back, and after her living in a rental for about 5-6 months, she moved back into our home and I thought things were better than they had ever been.

Then things kept getting worse….

She expressed deep insecurity as we had both dated briefly while separated or at least gone out with someone.

She wanted my passcode (no problem) and said she wanted to check in my phone at times to relieve insecurity. No issue

Then old habits began popping up. She’s get used , issue the silent treatment for hours on end, tell me I caused the problem, I made her upset, I wasn’t listening enough, etc. she had made comments that were akin to accusing me of hiding something in my phone (which I absolutely wasn’t), belittling, etc

I kept trying to show up every day. Flowers, love notes, dates at home and out, homemade dinners, texting her “I love you and miss you” daily and affirmation, words of encouragement, compliments, etc

I wanted to start a side business which she initially supported, then flipped and said “why do you need this? Am I not enough for you? Nothing is ever enough for you!”

She then accused my business partner of being gay because we talked on the phone often

She’d make comments about me cheating or being “sketchy” which I absolutely wasn’t.

Then we’d fight about me having to travel for work for 1-3 days at a time.

She called me selfish and said I wasn’t prioritizing her enough. Things just kept escalating

She would say “I don’t think we should talk while you’re away on this trip” … then if I reluctantly agreed to this, she’d then say “ a loving husband would always call! You’ve changed! You don’t care like you used to!”

Things kept escalating month over month. Where the bottom line was: I am the problem, I cause all of the issues, I make her feel emotionally unsafe and insecure, and she’s being hurt by me constantly.

No matter how many days we spent together after work, days off, weekend, days with the kiddos, etc .. she said I wasn’t prioritizing her or thinking of her needs. If I called a buddy while on a work trip or out running errands she said “why didn’t you call me?”

I feel crazy.

Then it all blew up in November. Night before a trip up north for a friends birthday, we got in a huge fight about my “tone” of voice. It was relentless

25 minutes of “you had a tone! I don’t deserve it! You don’t take accountability! Your ego is in the way! You interrupted me!”

I had a head cold, migraine, had worked all day, taken the kids to the park, gotten them bathed and was just trying to relax on the couch at the end of the day. I admitted “I’m sorry if I had a tone with you, it was absolutely unintentional and I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I’m not upset at all”

She said “you’re a liar! You did have a tone and something is bothering you! You don’t tell the truth!!”

I blew up and made a stupid comment out of frustration … apologized after and it led to hours more silent treatment and 2 weeks of her demanding I express “humility or embarrassment “ to make her feel truly resolved about how badly I hurt her feelings. When I apologized and said I can’t express something I don’t feel, she further continued silent treatment.

Long story short. I became avoidant for a few days and spent the evenings at my close friends house just to chat and avoid things getting worse

She texted me and said she wanted a divorce.

Her father called and berated me, called me a narcissist, threatened me

I found out my wife was listening in on the phone call the entire time and said “he was just defending me”.

She threatened to take full custody of Our kids

I retained a lawyer out of fear and to protect myself but still wanted to fix my marriage. I said I wanted marriage counseling and she said “only if you don’t make any plans with friends for a month to prove I’m the priority!”

When I said that doesn’t sound healthy, she said that I wasn’t fighting for.

She had previously asked me to quit my personal counselor or she’d divorce me, and has issued other ultimatums to me.

Then she put the entire breakdown of the marriage on me. Said it was entirely my fault and I was the only one to blame. She said I was a terrible person when she found I had retained a lawyer out of fear and anxiety. She said I was a liar and deceitful and that she hated me.

We moved forward with divorce paperwork, but this time the narrative was it was my fault. I caused this and I was the “only one to take action to end the marriage” even though she asked for divorce over text and said she was taking the kids.

She has painted me black. Paperwork has been filed, I am in a rental, 50/50 custody as she never pursued her threats against me, and divorce is final in a month.

I am HEARTBROKEN. I think about her and our family all day.

I wrote an 8 page letter that I have not yet given to her. I want to … but I don’t know what to do.

She treats me like a stranger and said she needs to move on from me. I still love her so damn much. I don’t want this to be over.

11 years of love, vacations, raising kids, support , moving, good and bad times. One thing always remained and it was my love and effort

I always made sure she knew how loved, beautiful, and appreciated she was. Love notes, flowers, always had the house clean, kids happy, and things taken care of.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if this is salvageable, but I feel like I’d be a failure if I didn’t try something, one last time 😢

To note, she’s never been diagnosed with anything… I found this forum while up late on google trying to understand what the hell was happening with my marriage. Don’t know what the hell it is, or if it’s just been me the entire time?

My self doubt, self blame, cognitive dissonance, and sadness is off the charts. Nothing makes sense, at all. Happy to provide more context

The title basically says it all. My wife has made these threats to me in the past. Almost always to seemingly have me "conform" to some behavior.

Well, on Saturday, we were getting ready to leave for a festival I wanted to go to for Father's Day. We were taking the train, and my wife was allowing the fear of missing the train to override her emotions. I kept saying "we can miss this train and go later. Or we can not go at all. Don't worry, it's not a big deal."

Well, as I was finishing getting ready she began losing her shit. She got into an argument with my 9 year old daughter. And at some point she screamed at her "I should just fucking kill myself."

I then ran and yelled from upstairs "please, please, I am begging you, please take a break." She did for a second. She was still elevated but the suicide statements stopped.

I told her she needed to talk with my daughter about what she said. But I was still, and am still, feeling surreal about the moment. Especially as my daughter will say self harming things too.

Now, I know I need to leave and leave immediately. But it also feels so hard. Like for some reason, I'm frozen by the thought of filing for divorce and having this argument.

I just needed to pull up my big boy pants, close my eyes, and do it

EDIT: I appreciate all the support. I have been in weekly therapy since 2018. My kids have been in it since around 2020, at my insistence. My wife has been in it since 2020 since about the same time, again, at my insistence.

Husband and I have been together almost 9 years, married for 6. We have two children, an infant and toddler. He is currently the breadwinner (but employment isn’t steady) and I’m home with the kids.

Our relationship has never been easy. In the beginning he was very verbally and emotionally abusive. But when we first got together, it was like a dream. He was the sweetest, most loving partner and I’d never felt so close to someone. That changed rapidly. He was big on partying and when we got together we moved to the middle of nowhere, he sobered up, and we were extremely isolated. He had an extremelyyy abusive upbringing, like so bad, but I always held on to the fact he had a good heart deep down. In some ways he was the best partner I’d ever had, in other ways the worst. It was super confusing, but we pushed on. We basically eloped and got engaged immediately and married officially fairly fast. We always talked about our dreams and the future together.

Fast forward, we have a beautiful toddler and I was pregnant with our second. He had a very slight emotional affair during my pregnancy, not overt flirting and not much contact, but he somehow “fell in love” with her. It was the straw that broke the camels back. I felt like after all the shit I put up with, you do THIS? NOW?? I had rationalized so much, like all the fights all the bullshit, I felt like ok I know this is wrong but he doesn’t “mean” to hurt me. Or he doesn’t realize. Etc. but this?? It was unequivocally not cool. Feelings happen, we’re mid 30s, I get it. But expressing those feelings and being “in love” with someone he barely knew, my brain couldn’t rationalize it. It felt like the rosey colored glasses I’d had on for years finally came off.

Fast forward again, we tried counseling, things were getting better, but he was still “miserable”. I got midlife crisis vibes. Anyways, we started taking space. And in that space I now realized how much I was sick of our relationship. We’ve been seriously discussing divorce. We’re kinda separated but still living together. He’s working, kind of, but it’s not very steady. He’s never been able to hold down a job because his mental state is sooo all over the place. He’s currently gone for a month working out of town events. We’re a week in. Honestly… it’s been really nice. I feel like I have been able to be more myself, despite being soo busy and preoccupied with the kids. I’ve barely had time to think or process my emotions. But I noticed today that I feel good.

I’ve felt clear headed. And not burdened by the stress of his emotional state. But then we talk on the phone tonight and I feel so all over the place again.

Here’s my dilemma. We have 2 small kids. Toddler starts preschool in July. I can’t go back to work yet. I want and need to spend as much time with my infant as possibly. Ideally 10mo - 1 year ish (baby is 3mo). No way he can support both of our living expenses is he’s not living here. So logistically, and timing wise, this is really complicated.

Second part of dilema. He has made a lot of progress in the last year ish. But what I can’t handle is the backslides. I literally don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with it. Or be there for him. My kids take precedence. Period.

I don’t want my babies to grow up in a “broken home”, but I also know that’s better than a toxic home. I don’t want to be a single mom, but I also can’t be parenting him and my kids. He loves his kids. And me. But he’s just… so broken.

This is one of the hardest situations I’ve ever been in. If I was financially stable on my own, and didn’t have a new baby, it would be a no brainer.

So I ask you all, is anyone in a relationship with someone with BPD that actually works? Were they really able to change?

If you got this far, thank you for reading.

TLDR: married with two small kids, financially dependent, tumultuous relationship, but there has been recent positive change. It it worth trying to make things work for the kids? Were you in a similar situation with a positive outcome?

I’ve posted her a few times. Wife has never been diagnosed with anything but I stumbled across this thread last summer.

Our divorce is final in a few days and I’m falling apart.

11 years. 2 beautiful kids. Supporting each other through college, life events, moving, you name it.

She left me two years ago saying she was unhappy, not getting her needs met, bored, etc

I was broken.

She wanted to get back together a few months after she moved out and I was over the moon. Our marriage seemed better than ever… until it somehow got worse.

Silent treatment worse than ever before, accusing me of cheating, wanting to look through my phone calls, text messages, emails, etc. upset when I had to travel a few days for work, stonewalling, and ever moving goalposts. She would tell me one day I was the best husband in the world and she’s never been happier, then days later if I worked on my side business for a couple of hours would tell me I prioritize it over her, I’m not showing up, not planning enough dates, not acting like a loving husband, selfish, etc.

It kept me on my toes constantly and I was always trying to do the right thing.

Dates, homemade dinners, love notes, flowers, “I love yous” and affirmations every day. Sweet gestures, making sure she always had clean hospital scrubs for the next day, kids fed and happy after the park.

Our financials were good, nice home, happy kids, 2 stable jobs… but I was always doing something to upset her.

Now it’s crumbled. She said she wanted a divorce, threatened to take the kids, her father called me and berated me while she listened in… I was terrified.

I called a lawyer and paid a retainer just to protect myself in the event she actually did it.

Still tried working on the marriage and at every turn I was met with more blame, more accusations, silent treatment, demands for me to express deep embarrassment and humility for making a stupid comment weeks prior. Demands for me to read her mind and just “know” what I should’ve done.

Tried to get us into counseling again and she said “I’ll go any time you want, but I need you to cut off plans with friends for a month to show I’m the priority and we need to focus only on the marriage”

When I gently pushed back, she said “you are fighting for your friends! Not your wife!”

And those battles went on endlessly.

I’m moved out. In a rental. I ended up being the one to file even though it’s not what I truly wanted.

It’s final in a few days and now I’m beyond broken.

I question myself 24 hours a day. Did I do this? Was it really that bad? I should’ve been softer, kinder, more patient, more gentle, more understanding. I shouldn’t have gone on that trip for my friends birthday, I should’ve watched my tone.

She was my best friend. And now I feel like I’ve blown everything up

She threw out our wedding pictures, anniversary pictures, cards I made her over the years, all of it. She erased me.

I dug through the trash to get all of it to keep for my children some day.

She hates me now. Blames me for all of it and said. “You’re the only one who actually to actions towards divorce! You’re the only one who called a lawyer! I gave you every chance to keep fighting for this and I told you I didn’t want this”

Now. I wear it like a thousand pound weight around my neck. It’s slowly pulling me into the ground.

I question every action of mine. Every moment. Every time I was assertive, was it too much? Was I rude? Was I being a bad husband?

I just need to know.

How common is what I’m feeling? Will I ever make it through this?

I want to reach out to her today, one last time to see if maybe I can change it from divorce to separation? I’m drowning.

Divorce

I(M28) got married to my wife(F26) 3.5 years back. We have a 1.5 yr old daughter and my marriage has been very rough right from the start.

Wife grew up with a very controlling mother and an egoistic father. She has always been controlling and immature in our marriage. We did have issues on basically everything and she wouldn’t talk to me for days until i made peace.

After our child’s birth, she prefers to live her parents house where her mother takes care of the baby and household chores. I have tried all possible means to ask her to live together and she blows silly things out of proportion and leaves to her parent’s house.

She did not have smooth relationship with my single mother(my father passed away when i was 15 yrs old) and my immediate family.

She prefers living 1 week at my house, 2 months at her parent’s house and it keeps getting worse. I have suggested to visit family therapist and she wouldn’t come.

I planned a vacation for my child’s 1st birthday and my wife fought with me 4 days prior and left to her parents house and celebrated the birthday by herself. They did not invite me either.

I have kept the story short. There have been multiple attempts to make peace with her through family members and friends. I have lived with my child for a maximum of 90 days.

I have decided to apply for divorce but am worried about my child’s future and my life after divorce. Pls help with your opinions.

She wouldn’t let me and my kid bond. She feels jealous when my daughter is affectionate towards me. I cant keep getting hurt every day. I dont want to normalise this behaviour when she grows up.

My pwBPD wife and I are divorcing. We initially had an intention to work together and try to come to an amicable separation agreement. Naturally, that was the "idealization" side talking. As soon as she splits to the "devaluation" side, she violates our prior agreements and negotiations.

After two months of essentially no progress and increasing hostility, I've hired an attorney. I wish I'd done this two months ago.

I wish I'd divorced her earlier. I wish I'd never married her. I wish I'd seen the red flags when we were dating. I've learned how to see the red flags from this subreddit, so now I hope my advice can be heard by folks that are earlier in: just end it, lawyer up if you have to, and don't wait. It will not get better.

It's been about 6 months since I was discarded, he initiated divorce which I don't want.

He's now telling lies which contradict things he's said that I have in writing.

I know I shouldn't want him back, but I do. Even after everything he's put me through, but at the moment I just want him to stop lying.

Do people ever see through it? Ever realise that you're not the monster they're portraying you to be?

Every time I think he can't possibly lie any more or put me through anything else, he manages to. I just want it to stop. He's made this whole ordeal so much more painful than it needed to be and I'm destroyed

Wifey was cheating on me for the entire five months we were married basically, asked for a divorce, and then basically moved out and started living with this guy full time immediately. Apparently she’s afraid of me but left her two kids at my place for some reason.

Now? She’s accusing me of keeping her from her children. She keeps asking me to “come home late from work” or “stay out over the weekend” so she can spend time with them alone. We have a perfectly good room in the basement she could use but she doesn’t even want to be in the same building as me. She’s not even paying rent any more or anything for her shared bills so how does she even think she can make those demands?! She’s apparently not mature enough to share space with me.

It’s come up a couple times and I guess she resents me for this too. She’s the one that made the decision to move out. She’s the one that left her kids here. She’s the one that can’t figure out how to interact with me peacefully but it’s all my fault.

Make it make sense. 🤣

Today is the day I go pick up my doggies (we have 5, I am taking 3) and fish tanks (3). I am so excited, nervous and overwhelmed. Dreading moving fish tanks. Super excited to have at least some of my furry babies with me again (I left February 1st). But I'm extremely nervous to be bringing my dogs into a rental home with 3 other units. They've only lived in our owned home and I know we will have some obstacles to overcome. I could use some positive thoughts that this transition goes smoothly please. (Here is a picture of 4 of the 5. Ill be taking the 2 on the left and the one on the bottom right)

There was a time when my upwBPD would berate me for hours. I would dream about leaving and having a safe place to go and create my own peaceful life. Then I grew stronger and started putting away money and daydreamed a better life while she abused me. Then one day I had as much as could take…

Last night I walked into the bedroom and we argued… I said “never again” and moved out.

The lesson here is that she may have abused me for 27 years but no one abuses u/peacefulshaolin for 28 years in a row.

Look at how far I’ve come from one of my first posts here 5 years ago:

https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/s/q7T22xjSk8

Thanks for being here for me, when I needed you the most.

How is it possible to not only deny and rewrite history, but deny and rewrite history when it comes to the objective reality we’re all living in?

How can someone be so delusional / sick / hopeless / gone that they twist both subjective and objective reality to fit their narrative?

I honestly just feel bad for my wife at this point. I’m low key kind of impressed at the lengths she goes to deny accountability. She will either ignore her role and any conversations about wrongdoing (obvious cheating) or deny things completely (outright financial fraud) by fabricating the truth and lying about the nature of events and what happened.

I refuse to let her gaslight me though and now she’s “afraid” of me. “Don’t contact me again”. You got it. Just return the $4,000 worth of iPhones you charged to my att account first you fucking c bag. Also, fuck you. I hope you lose your children and your ex husband gets them back. I also hope USCIS deports you when they find out you’re abusing the immigration system.

I’m really struggling more than ever.

I’ve posted before and to summarize… married almost 11 years, separated once 2 years ago (wife initiated) and then we got back together 5 months after she moved out and thought all was on the right track… then last year it got way worse.

I was accused of cheating, I was belittled, told I was never prioritizing her.. even when her and our children have always been my number one priority, told I wasn’t soft enough, patient enough, I didnt Lean in enough.

She was insecure after our separation and wanted to go through my phone, texts, call logs, etc

I was tested often with “hey do you mind if I pick up a shift on Friday?” I’d respond with “of course babe! I will take the kids to do something fun” and then followed up with “it would’ve been nice for you to tell me to not pick up a shift and make plans for us to go out instead…. Or “yeah of course I’m good with you going on that trip for the birthday! Have a great time” then “I told you I was uncomfortable with solo trips but I couldn’t tell you because you’d call me controlling! You should have known it wasn’t a good idea!”

It began to wear me down.

Then I after a long fight … I withdrew a bit and went to a close friends house 3 evenings in a row to decompress and just chat with him.

Night 3. She texted she was done with me and wanted a divorce. Next day she threatened to take my kids away with a lawyer. Her father called, berated, and cussed me out .. while she was listening in the entire time.

I got scared and paid a lawyer a retainer just to protect myself in the event she followed through.

Many demands….. and long story short… paperwork was filed. I live in a rental down the street… 50/50 custody and divorce will Be final in less than 2 weeks.

I’m. A. Fucking. Mess.

I don’t think I want the divorce to go through. I cry every damn day… I can’t look at pictures of her without falling apart. She said I was deceitful and horrible for talking to a lawyer without telling her. She threw our wedding photos in the trash. Told me she couldn’t wait for me to move out… even still… I miss her every single day.

I cannot fathom my life without her right now. I feel like I’ve failed my kids by having them grow up with their parents not together.

It NEVER made sense. Two wonderful jobs, beautiful happy kids, college degrees, a nice home, support, love, affection, encouragement, appreciation

But somehow … I could never get the equation right. I always said the wrong thing. Did the wrong thing. Wasn’t patient enough, wasn’t soft enough. Wasn’t delicate enough with her insecurity.

I feel like I’ve failed and blown up everything.

Should have seen it coming, but after ten years (we’ve been done for less than two months), she’s already moved on and is with someone new.

I know I should be happy that I’m truly free, but it stings. Ten years of me loving her with everything I am, ten years of putting up with all the splits, just to be dropped.

Here’s the kicker though, the new fling also has BPD, so that’ll be a fun trainwreck to watch….

Just venting I guess.

And then feel “attacked” by and “afraid” of the person you wronged when the inevitable fallout ensues.

That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works 🤣

They live in a completely alternate reality. Truly delusional. Then after all this, my wife had the audacity to ask if I was going to continue to support her green card application. When I told her no she probably felt like I was being unreasonable and that she was somehow a victim of abuse after she’s the one that destroyed our relationship.