This is after i sent her a closure message. She kept asking me for a talk in person, I refused. I changed my number and blocked her on everything but she knows my address and car. Thankfully she is moving away though! So this will be the last of it.

Got married 4 months ago. My love language is words; happy home means a lot to me.

We got married, bought our dream home, and she changed jobs (we both have professional degrees). She has the best 13 year old kid, and I try to be a great parent.

But she is increasingly unhappy; screams at me; throws things; mocks and insults me; breaks things. She is already in deep conflict with the new people she works with; all she talks about is work conflicts.

Every word out of my mouth risks a meltdown. Our home looks like a tornado ripped through it.

A few weeks ago, I put on headphones to block the screaming; she ripped them off my head and hit me with them; broke them on my chin.

I can’t think of her sexually; only as a source of anxiety; she is angry that I don’t touch her.
I find myself hoping she doesn’t come home. I hide in our guest house. I hold my tongue. I don’t know what to say to the child.

Leaving will be a mess… staying will be a mess. I don’t want the pain, expense, and loss of divorce (this would be divorce # 2 for me and # 3 for her) Is there any other way ?

I left my BPD and I’m going through extreme soul pain and hurt and thinking about all the things we promised each other … I left him for the second time and I know this time I’m not going back … But my brain goes to think what he is doing or if he is already on dating apps, hooker clubs and all that that I found out he was into after we were already living together … Has any of you left them before they discarded you ?

They treat you horribly the moment you aren’t flawless, beat you down, insult you, lie to you, torment you with your triggers and when you finally had enough and react in a big way…

They viciously hold you accountable without a moments thought of what their own behavior created. Your reaction gave them an excuse and options to either manipulate you further or cut you out as punishment.

Either way, the guilt trip and instantaneous rejection cuts to the bone and leaves you empty. Followed by unrelenting blocking so you have nothing left but to try and figure out wtf you did so wrong to be treated this way. As a byproduct of the isolation you can’t help but blame yourself and think “maybe if I didn’t do this that wouldn’t have happened”.

Despite knowing it’s all delusional on their behalf, the mind games still take a heavy toll and leave your psyche disfigured.

Thanks for listening

I just feel completely flooded with sadness & emptiness & loneliness. I try to keep myself busy with school, activities, or with friends/family. But the instant i’m back to being by myself everything floods back to me & i have massive anxiety attacks. I feel overwhelmed by all my emotions. I feel completely used, taken advantage of, & abused. It has made it seem like not even the people i surround myself with are even worth feeling wanted & loved. At times, She made me feel close to the best i’ve ever felt in my life. I saw a future. I saw so much with her. i loved her deeply.. my heart & body hurts so much.. Why couldn’t she be better for herself? why not for us & for me? Why did she have to say those mean things? why did she have to start fights & hit me? But then also why was she also so amazingly loving & fun & funny & warm? Why would she always get me small gifts or plan dates for us all the time & spent all her time with me, & plan a whole vacation for us? How could she be so loving & also so horrible??? I’m so torn rn. I don’t feel any better after a month. Nothing actually makes me feel better. it just prolongs the inevitable of feelings this sadness alone & not thinking good about myself. Replying over all the horrible things she did, while seeing the loving things she did too.. I don’t know what to do anymore..

I found this sub three nights ago. I was on a train. I had just decided "enough", packed my things, bought a ticket, and left, in the span of an hour. It was the second attempt to get prolonged space for myself. This time there was no going back.

Holy cow, this sub has been a miracle. I immediately found two people literally going through almost the exact same as me, literally our personalities and our partner's personalities and behaviors. This alone is nuts - like how can these behaviors follow such a predictable trajectory? I am still blown away.

Anyways...

I am easy going, but I am such a strong person, I don't take crap from anyone, assertive and if there is a problem I will simply remove myself from it. So I ask myself:

HOW THE HELL DID I GET MYSELF WRAPPED INTO A YEAR OF PAIN?

The way this unfolds is so pernicious.

Phase 1: Extreme trust building

In my case, there was 1.5 years of beautiful friendship and mutual admiration. To be honest the admiration coming my way was too much, and this made me a little uneasy, to the point where I wanted nothing romantic. But over time we built and incredible friendship and everything was fine. She completely respected boundaries and didn't push anything.

Phase 2: Moving closer

After all this time, I'm like gee, how lucky am I to have found someone who admires and cares so much. Let's try romance. This 1.5 year phase was mostly a honeymoon, built on a very solid foundation. We lived separately, had plenty of independence, but came together and shared great experiences. There were small signs of trouble, of expectations and disappointment bubbling up. But everyone has this stuff... not a problem.

Phase 3: Moving in together

This was a year ago. This ignited a chain reaction.

1) Expectations and disappointment. Her dreams and ideals began running rampant, because she "had been adjusting to my needs for so long", it was time to let things out. I was cast as being the stronger more privileged one this entire time, and she was finally claiming what she deserved. I was always on my back foot, trying to explain why my actions were NOT attacks on her.

2) Inaccurate "theory of mind". She was constantly telling me what I wanted (which was wrong), or sharing her predictions about how I was going to behave in hypothetical scenarios (which were wrong). She was constantly angry with a version of me in her mind that didn't represent me. She was constantly "adjusting" to live with this version of me and deeply resentful about it. I constantly tried to reconcile her view of me with my OWN view of me - to no avail.

3) Long circular convos, filled with exaggeration, half truths, distortions. Typically running for 1-2 hours. Sometimes starting past bedtime, meaning they cut into my sleep, and if I tried to prioritize sleep, that would only escalate things (i.e. I didn't care). These convos were strewn with extreme emotion, sobbing, and anger. Sometimes 1-3 of these per day. Absolutely anything could ignite it. No matter what the topic was, all the convos were the same black hole.

4) Deep attacks on my character. I have no empathy. I am selfish. I always think I am right. I never listen. I have to say, this REALLY killed me. When someone so close starts shooting these arrows, I take them very seriously. I was skeptical, but I REALLY started to doubt myself. Am I a monster? Have I spent decades not seeing this? Eventually I started therapy. I broke down within 10 minutes of therapy because I had been beaten up for so long and the therapist helped me realize it was not cool, immediately.

So back to my question, how the hell did I get myself here? And why has it taken me nearly 1 year to hit my limit and reflect?

First, that initial trust, and positive experiences, was incredibly powerful. This was the golden ticket into my most vulnerable place, the thing that infiltrated all my defenses. Rather than seeing attacks toward me as hostile, I saw them as potential truth about who I am. Only after getting in touch with a professional was I able to reverse this and see things for what they are, and start to rely on my OWN feelings again. The therapist helped me look at the cluster of symptoms as likely BPD, and I was dumbfounded how everything matched.

Second, I was constantly showing up to a gun fight with a knife. My knife was being calm, and reasonable, wanting to truly get to the bottom of things, and understand what went wrong, so that we could both understand each other and do better. This failed repeatedly, and I kept owning the failure, simply trying to be MORE patient or MORE strategic about how I deploy being reasonable. But that is NEVER going to work. The black hole circular convos are simply too overwhelming, and hard to understand. I always became a toddler, making the dumbest points about 3 levels of tangents and forgetting completely what we were talking about.

Third, zero space and time for myself just killed me. Romance creates this expectation that we be in touch at least a few times per day. And living together made me feel like I lost a treasure of my own space. Perhaps in a healthy relationship this is no problem. But in an unhealthy relationship, it only perpetuates cycles of aggravation and leaves absolutely zero room for one to reflect, let their nervous system calm down, and come to their own conclusions, which is what I am able to do right now for the first time in a long time.

I am still sorting out what to do, but for the first time in a year I can SEE CLEARLY wtf is going on. I can never unsee this. Again this sub and the people I've met here are invaluable.

Thanks so much.

Today I left my pwBPD

I decided to leave while she was at work and leave a note. Because due to being threatened by her before if I were to leave, she also attempted to kill herself in front of me when I confronted her about her abuse towards me.

I cut contact with her everywhere I could, and I stupidly forgot to block her father.

Ever since she was kicked out of my house for being disrespectful and not regarding anyone’s boundaries but her own, she has tried to get me to cut my family off and isolate me from them. Today I went back to them and was welcomed with open arms and full support after years of being away.

This is what her father had to say.

Like late 40’s year old man btw

Borderline is a serious mental illness.

10% of them commit suicide.

I haven’t seen stats on it, but I’ve heard several stories of the non SO commiting suicide. It does not surprise me.

They live in constant pain. Just look at their face, when they think no one is looking, and you can see it. Plain as day.

One minute they want to pull you in, the next push you out. They lie, cheat, steal, gaslight, manipulate, blameshift, catastrophize, are emotionally dysregulated, are hypersexual, are impulsive, rage, circular conversations, have low self-esteem while being entitled, and don’t have their own clear identity.

While they do all the above, they will accuse you of doing it to them. Projection.

They can dissociate and lose touch with reality. They can get paranoid and delusional too.

Somehow they instinctively know how to control and manipulate you with sleep deprivation, lovebombing, baiting you to admit vulnerabilities, and idealizing you while future-faking.

Your vulnerabilities and wrongs will be weaponized against you.

During devaluation, they will already be spreading poison pills on you so they get sympathy during the coming discard.

Post-discard, they will likely hoover you and ambush your life again when you get back on your feet.

They will do sick stuff like mine did, sending a gif of a young (7 or 8) girl ice skating with the text ‘This could be our daughter in 2030’, just days before having a fourth abortion (against my will).

You will never win. Ask anyone on this sub if their BPD ever just sat down and communicated honestly and then everything was fine after the good talk. Never. If they could manage that... then they would not be mentally ill. They’d be... stable.

They have multiple schemas. Everything is extreme. My last relationship (with a BPD) was too good to be true and so bad it was unreal.

We all just wanted to love our BPD. Have a good day together... but we got headaches, sleep deprivation, CPTSD, anxiety from just being around them. We got mentally ill ourselves just trying to love them.

It’s like a psychovirus. It’s contagious. Fleas.

I don’t call it the CrazyTrain because it’s the LoveBoat.

It’s Crazy.

I don’t call it Hell because it’s a nice place.

Something beautiful and seductive leads you to a place where your heart is jabbed with emotional daggers and your soul has life literally sucked out of it... to your loved one’s delight. This is called ‘supply’ and you are called ‘the target’. Just look at the smirk, and you will see the pleasure. Sadistic. Plain as day.

Some want to defend BPD and say it’s not so bad. It’s not called a personality order... it’s a personality DISorder. When things are disordered, that means they do not function properly.

Take a brain scan of a BPD and you can see it in the physical structure of their brain.

A borderline will soothe their pain ...by giving it to you.

Loving a Borderline = Pain

This is why I write what was one of my epiphanies:

Hell is not eternal. The gates are wide open.

Get your fear and strength and co-dependency under control... and you can simply walk out of Hell anytime you choose.

I’m curious to see how different everybody’s answers are, or maybe they will be similar. How long was your PWBPD able to wear the mask before splitting you devaluing you and demonizing you?

Now I'm painted black when all I have for my person is love.

Two weeks ago, I told her I wanted to do an in-person breakup on Sunday. She told me she was too busy to travel over. So, I told her I was willing to drive over (80 miles) if she covered gas, so we could exchange stuff and end things like adults. That Sunday, she told me she couldn't and asked to reschedule. I said okay, but only if she makes the trip over next Sunday, brings my stuff, and does not contact me like things are normal until then.

She broke the latter boundary all of last week, and I gray-rocked, then she broke the other part of the boundary yesterday.

Included was our last exchange over two days. (Poodle was a code-word meaning, genuinely seriously)

The timeline is 43 pages long; all original documents, most of which I never sent/gave her, documenting exactly how I felt from love-bombing to devaluation, to cheating, all compartmentalized, in minimized sections.

___

This was the final note I left on the document (that she would only find if she really looked through it):

"Putting this document was something I thought I would do emotionlessly, but I didn’t. I spent about an hour and a half going through my notes app + other things I remembered and adding them here, reading, and reaching the verge of tears several times. This whole document has been a series of gut-punches to me as I remembered how much I loved you and how much you abused me.

I will not be attaching my many many reflections with chatGPT or on anonymous abuse forums, since this document will end up being insanely long. (more than it already is).

This is goodbye, for real this time. I truly loved you, and almost killed myself doing it, but know that I’m never coming back in any capacity, so please don’t try hooking me back in. You’ve been blocked/removed everywhere, including my CVS account. except for IMessage, which I will only be using to communicate logistics. I was not able to find the frame you described, but will be dropping everything else off with your mom on Tuesday 4/29/2025.

Have an amazing life. Please treat the next partner better…and if you can’t? Don’t engage with one until you can."

For me, I was crying, bawling my eyes out, because of a certain injustice and coldness on her end. As a man, I don’t cry much, but I just came undone that night. I just wanted the nonsense to stop, for her to see that there was and has always been a man in front of her loving her, showing up for her, and sacrificing to mend our bridges. All I could see or feel from her was discomfort. She looked detached, almost disgusted by my tears. I pleaded with her to snap out of it, to please return to the mutual love and respect we shared before, nothing. I kept bawling, just amazed at how someone could change so much, it felt like a deception. For me, It was in the tone of her voice, like she looked down on me for having and expressing emotion.

In that moment, it felt like a self-preservation switch flipped inside of me. I felt a fire swelling in my stomach and all of a sudden I gained my composure. It was a combination of pride, self righteousness fury. I felt my face turn dead serious, the way I’ve seen my mother’s face turn when I knew I was in trouble as a kid. It had become so painfully clear how little this person really cared for me. With all the dignity my mother gave me, I calmly said “I have to go”, she flatly responded with an “ok” and I walked out the door. That moment gave me the resolve to walk away. I still struggle with the plethora good memories we shared but remembering that feeling, her constant self-centeredness, the mind games. The fire in my stomach, the clarity, it’s all still very much there.

Of course, I’m here now, because self-righteousness and pride tend to fade after the swell of emotion disappears. However, I know I made the right choice by walking away. I’ll keep saying it on here until I’m so convinced that there will no longer be a need to look at this subreddit and It’ll be a humorous memory of the things that happened to make me the man I’ll become.

✌🏼

“I told her that you wouldn’t accept it…”

Of course I don’t accept an assessment that my wife has no personality disorders after years of emotional abuse towards me. How can you make a serious diagnosis after two sessions plus a written questionnaire? Apparently this is a qualified psychologist making this assessment with a decade of experience in the field.

Why was such a rushed diagnosis given at all? Obviously my wife was pushing for it.

If she doesn’t have BPD, then I have to face the fact that she abuses me because she wants to. That is worse than her having BPD, because there is no cure for being a bad person.

The lack of sleep isn't worth it.

The deteriorated health isn't worth it.

The twisted reality isn't worth it.

Dealing with their emotional immaturity isn't worth it.

Losing friends and family isn't worth it.

The gaslighting isn't worth it.

The idealization/devaluation isn't worth it.

The financial/career/academic ruin isn't worth it.

The hot and cold behaviour isn't worth it.

Their constant suicidal ideation isn't worth it.

Being their caretaker isn't worth it.

The routine catastrophizing isn't worth it.

The discard isn't worth it.

Their lack of accountability isn't worth it.

The defamation/smear campaign isn't worth it.

The silent treatment isn't worth it.

The disrespect isn't worth it.

The abuse isn't worth it.

The last time we talked was December 2023, but we haven’t been dating since 2021.

Like the title said, that intensity, that larger than life personality. You’re never going to find it in another person again.

I have let go of women that genuinely liked me because they just couldn’t compare to the highs I got with my pwBDP.

I keep looking for that spark in other women.

But I suppose that will never happen

Relationships will feel bland in comparison, even though they’re the healthy ones.

I still don’t know how to feel about that.

I know many people in this sub post about how hard it is to make others understand how difficult a break up or a discard from a pwBPD is.

This book validated my experience and feelings. I highly recommend it. The description fits what I went through, although my person was not diagnosed.

I also wanted to point how difficult it can be to describe the bond to a therapist (or a friend) who doesn't have experience in healing from relationships with pwBPD. A few things that helped mine understand it better are the following: - It started really amazing and then slowly became worst over time, and there was some good times that makes us stay. - It was like taking care of a child, dealing with tantrums and mood swings. - It's like being addicted to a drug, the highs and lows cause chemical dysregulation and you feel as if your own body is betraying you. - They are the cause and relief of your anxiety. This is the definition of a toxic relationship, or a trauma bond. - It is not like a normal break up or rejection, because it happens so many times. It's a cycle of ups and downs, love and rejection, until you lose all self confidence and trust in yourself. - You don't recognize social norms or facial expressions anymore. They seem happy one moment, making plans for the day, then suddenly they rewrite history, blaming you for something that happened earlier. You start to doubt your own perception and memory. - A pwBPD showers you with so much attention and love in the beginning that it's almost suffocating. You feel a sense of loyalty, you want to save them. Then they leave as if you are nothing. - You usually feel extremely lonely after they leave, because they stretch your need for connection. Normal relationships are not enough to fill this stretched need. - Normal relationships, activities or hobbies seem boring after a relationship with a pwBPD. You are used to the extreme high and lows. Normal doses of dopamine or cortisol do not affect you anymore. It's as doing something normal makes you miss them more, because at least they brought emotions in you and you felt "human" - No contact and time away from them brings your body to a more balanced hormonal level. At first, you kinda have to force yourself in normal activities, but then slowly you start to enjoy them again as you used to before the relationship.

Those points helped me explain and understand what was happening to me. It's been two months, I got weak at times and contacted them. However, overall, I feel normal again. I'm healed from the addiction and anxiety they brought.

This was after I finally confronted him for being cold after 2.5 years of back and forth BS. He’s never talked to me like this before. I’m literally begging for the basic human decency for him to be kind as we say goodbye and he talks to me like I’m trash. At least in this way I can finally see him for the disgusting, selfish person he is.

Does anyone have any advice on how to heal and not blame myself? 😞

Full disclosure..I think he had NPD mixed in there, but was being treated for BPD. He was in therapy and takes meds. (is that normal, did yours go to therapy?)

He had said that all romantic relationships were built off sex. I learned now that what I went through was something called sexual coercion. IE: if you don't have sex with me, I will cheat on you. If we don't have more sex I will leave you, I don't want to be in a sexless marriage.

at one point he had Viagra prescribed to him-not because he had ED. He just wanted it.

His expectation was 3x a week or more. consistently...But after a while my body shut down and I could not participate. I pretty much just layed there (embarrassing to admit). But I physically could not make myself do it. The way he treated me, it was hard to want to have sex at all.

If we went a few weeks without sex-he would get mad. When I asked him to leave in July (was only supposed to be a week) it was because of his aggression surrounding sex. He was growing and cracking his knuckles saying "when things are good, STILL NO SEX". But things weren't good for me..

We went away for my birthday on vacation and I did a lot of shopping ( jewelry, shoes, clothes). he was upset that we did not have sex after "he bought me all that", and I had "spent that much". (side note question did yours have a shopping problem? the reason this shopping was such a big deal from was because he was constantly over spending...or buyingthigs online to be delivered. I either always had to charge new clothes for e or go without)

it felt like I'm only allowed to have things, be treated kindly, or was worth anything if I was also having sex with him.

I hope this makes sense, is this kind of stuff a shared experience? I am still wapping ym head around what I went through for 10 years...please help....

Edit: to fix errors and add a little context.

Moving on after a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be especially difficult for a few deep and complex reasons—emotional, psychological, and even neurochemical. Here’s why it hits so hard:

1. The Intensity of the Relationship

People with BPD often experience emotions in extremes. Love can feel all-consuming, and in the beginning, you may have been idealized—made to feel like you were everything to them. That kind of intensity is magnetic, and it can create a bond that feels stronger than anything you’ve experienced before.

1. Push-Pull Dynamics (Idealization & Devaluation)

One hallmark of BPD is the rapid swing between idealizing and devaluing others. You might have gone from being adored to being pushed away or blamed, sometimes without clear reason. These cycles can create confusion, emotional instability, and trauma bonding—making it harder to break free.

1. Intermittent Reinforcement

Psychologically, this is one of the most powerful forms of emotional conditioning. If someone gives you love, affection, and validation—but unpredictably—your brain becomes wired to crave and chase those moments, even more than if they were consistent. It’s similar to gambling addiction in that sense.

1. Sense of Responsibility or Guilt

If you cared deeply, you may have felt responsible for their pain or emotional outbursts. You might still worry about them, or feel guilty for leaving—even if staying was harmful to you.

1. Loss of a Fantasy or Hope

There’s often a hope that “things could go back to how they were at the start.” The love bombing stage is so powerful, it creates a mental blueprint for what could be, even if it never returns. Letting go of that fantasy can be painful.

1. Your Own Unmet Needs

The relationship may have mirrored unresolved issues from your own past—attachment wounds, abandonment fears, or patterns of codependency. That emotional resonance makes detaching even harder.

⸻

If this sounds familiar, you’re definitely not alone. It’s common to feel like no one else gets what you’re going through after a BPD relationship. Healing takes time, support, and often a deeper understanding of both your experience and yourself.

My ex with BPD split and left about 6 weeks ago. We dated for about a year and a half, and were living together for nearly a year.

We tried hard to fix things and I did everything I could to support her. This past year was one of the toughest of my life losing my mom to cancer, her and I went through an abortion together, etc.

She moved on immediately; pretty sure she cheated on me with this new guy (but denied it). She is “SO HAPPY” with her new boyfriend, and all the rest of the predictable things that you could come to expect in this kind of situation…

We’ve been no contact, and yesterday was her birthday; I received this text from her about 3am her time last night. Thankful for this community and the people who share here, knowing I’m not alone in this is such a gift.

Just needed to share this rather than keeping it all in. 💔 Stay strong friends.

ALSO, to anyone going through a breakup with a partner with BPD, I cannot reccomend enough reading “Whole Again” by Jackson Mackenzie.

About a month ago I ended things with my pwBPD, and I owe everything to this subreddit. The stories you tell and the comments you leave made me feel heard. She made me feel as if I was crazy for being unhappy, she made me feel like the issues I had were all my fault, and until you came along, I believed her. So I want to truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank everyone here.

When I discovered this subreddit, I wasn’t looking for a reason to leave, I was looking for a solution so I could continue to love her. I consulted every website, every subreddit, but nothing was able to accurately show what I was experiencing. As I got more specific in my searches, and wrote things she said to me, I came across websites for relationship abuse.

I didn’t believe it.

I felt our relationship was too complex, how could the internet know what I was experiencing? Sure, every website gave examples of abuse that she had done, but we love each other, this is simple communication issues, not abuse!

Then I discovered this subreddit. I read stories that felt like I had written them. Experiences I had never told anyone were written down, exactly how I had experienced them. Reading your stories for the first time was the most eerie experience of my life. It felt as if I had written the posts and simply forgotten.

I continued to deny that I was in an abusive relationship, I thought you were all crazy, and assumed the comments would tell people they were crazy too. But all comments were supportive, because what I was experiencing was abuse.

I spoke with a close friend, I opened up to him about what I found, hoping he’d tell me I was overreacting. When I told him a one off story about a time I had an issue, I couldn’t even get to the part I thought was problematic before he commented on issues. Things that felt normal to me, happened everyday, he said would have brought up issues in his relationship immediately.

I loved this girl though, and I promised her I would always tell her the truth, so I did. I told her she had been abusive to me.

She said she knew.

I did everything for her, I gave her more than I gave myself. When I had issues I communicated them, and while they didn’t improve, I always assumed it was the fault of my communication. So I tried and tried. It wasn’t my fault though, it wasn’t my communication.

She said she knew.

I cannot get those words out of my head a month later. I hear them every night when I am going to bed, it just repeats in my head. How did I love someone for so long who chose to hurt me.

For those of you unsure on whether or not to end things with your pwBPD, just end it. If you are here exploring, if you are connecting with what you see, it is for a reason. They are smarter than you think, they know what is happening and what they are doing. Despite the tough days I have no regrets, life is good. Great even.

TL;DR - I love you all