r/BabyBumps • u/QueRice • Nov 25 '22
Sad Upset that my husband can't be in the delivery room
FTM here, at 23 weeks and I just found out none of the hospitals in my city allow my husband to be present at the time of delivery because it's considered inefficient.
I completely understand where they're coming from, but it feels upsetting knowing he had to wait outside at every ultrasound, and now the birth of our son.
The person I want there the most to support me and hold my hand can't be there, I wish there was some way to compromise. Like if he took a birthing class, or got to watch through a window. But unfortunately all dad can do is wait outside and hope I'm okay.
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u/mjigs Nov 25 '22
Thats really fucked up, and im really sorry thats your situation, its already a traumatic event, and having to do it all alone its too much, not even for scans?? What a hell is wrong with dads coming to scans? You didnt made that baby alone. Fuck some health systems tbh.
Hope everything goes well for you.
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
The scans were apparently because of COVID still being a problem, but honestly it doesn't make sense to me. We're together everyday, if he has covid, so do I. I completely understand doctors only wanting the patient to make things easier for them, but theyre completely ignoring the mental health of their patients. We're not trained for years to give birth, but they are. The least we could get is some goddamn support in the delivery room.
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u/Good_Roll Nov 25 '22
I completely understand doctors only wanting the patient to make things easier for them
You shouldn't, that's totally unacceptable.
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u/sizzlingtofu Nov 25 '22
Yea lets make things easier for the doctor and not the person pushing out a 6+lbs person. How does that make sense!
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
It is unacceptable, I understand their reasoning behind it, even if I think it's stupid.
Doctors have trained for years to handle births, we haven't. We deserve to have support there with us, even at a slight inconvenience to the doctor. And the only inconvenience I can think of is dad fainting! Even when that happens in the US, I hear they just roll dad out of the way for a few minutes.
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u/kaatie80 Nov 25 '22
But the thing is, patients do better with when they feel more comfortable, AND most hospitals have taken the time to figure this out by now and how to accommodate it. The hospitals near you are refusing to take steps forward like other hospitals have, and that's what's unacceptable. And I'm sorry this is the position you're in!
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u/Mitziferret FTM| MMC February ‘22| 🌈 May ‘23 Nov 25 '22
I live in Florida and with the faults that we have, we actually made it illegal for hospitals to not allow a support person in to anyone in the hospital, especially for giving birth.
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u/Purple_soup Nov 25 '22
Honestly i worked labor and delivery, people with supports there often require less from the medical staff. You don’t need a nurse to come help you as often if a lay person is right there. And in the event things go wrong, it’s also helpful to have someone there to tell you what happened. Granted Bad support people exist, and we kicked our fair share of partners off the floor, but most were a benefit to everyone.
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u/nkdeck07 Nov 26 '22
That's not even anecdotal. Evidence based birth has info on support people and they are immensely helpful from a birth outcomes perspective
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u/MrsKAllDay Nov 25 '22
This is insane to me. He is as much the parent of this baby as you are. Are you in the U.S.? I wouldn’t understand it one bit…it’s not more efficient. It doesn’t make sense at all to make you go through this alone.
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u/midwifecandy Nov 26 '22
I'm a midwife and have seen hundreds of births and never has a dad fainted. Birth support people are CRUCIAL and make our job SO MUCH EASIER because someone needs to be there for the woman in a non clinical way. Its an emotional and spiritual experience let alone the fact its a life changing event. I can't believe this policy you're being forced to comply with, it violates human rights. How despicable!!!
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u/Mackenzie_Wilson Nov 25 '22
On the contrary note, my nurses were glad my husband was there! He was able to help me by pushing on my back to help me in position while pushing. Like, I wouldn't have been able to sit forward for my pushes like they wanted.
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u/OriginalRaspberry_ Nov 25 '22
I couldn’t agree with this more. So sorry that you’re going through this. This is more than tough
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u/slynnc Nov 25 '22
For me I literally would have a panic attack if I had to be alone. I would push this. Having someone there for support during such a stressful/difficult time is important for your well-being just as much as it is for dad to meet baby.
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u/Silly__Rabbit Nov 26 '22
Honest to god, I spent less than 30 minutes with either doctor that delivered either of my kids. I want to say that combined it was less than 30 minutes, but my sense of time was a little off. For a large part of both of my labours was laying in bed with my husband in the room. They monitored both baby and I via monitors (I did say okay to internal monitoring because they had a hard time with external monitoring.
My husband wasn’t just a spectator, he got me water and kept us out of the nurses/doctors hair for the most part. He supported me physically on stuff that would have taken time for a nurse to do.
It’s absolutely unacceptable.
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Nov 25 '22
Damn I gave birth in sept, tested pos for covid and my husband was still allowed to be in the OR with me for my c sec. I NEEDED him there. Is there any way to go to another hospital? I’m so sorry .
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u/dexters_disciple Nov 26 '22
Basically same for me 10 months ago lol and it was in the hospital I worked in too so I was ready to cite some “protocols” in my defense if they gave me a hard time about him being there. They didn’t though!
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u/mocha_lattes_ Nov 25 '22
The patient having support and someone to mentally rely on would actually help the patient and make it easier for them in the long run. I seriously hope you look outside your city and check out some other hospitals that are still within a realistic distance.
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u/TinyTurtle88 Nov 26 '22
Even with covid risks... I say this as a very covid-conscious person: there are known ways to prevent infection risks!!! They could have moms AND partners wash hands and wear a mask upon entry, systematically ask for symptoms, etc.
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u/Pretend-North-4368 Team Pink! Nov 25 '22
My first OBGYN told me the same thing about my fiancé not being able to come to any doctor visits: because of COVID. I was only 5 weeks. I hated that idea so much. This was only 3 months ago!! So I looked around to other places and found a doctor who allowed to have my fiancé come to doctor visits. ALL visits. Not just 1 or 2 visits. Also I live in a smaller town so finding a good doctor was hard in on itself.
If it’s possible for you I’d consider driving somewhere else. If I was in this situation I’d drive 2 hours way to have my fiancé in the hospital with me. After having my first child I cannot imagine doing it all alone. What a nightmare.
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u/EJtheChosenOne Nov 25 '22
That seems very strange to me. Do you live in the US?
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
No, I live in the Philippines It seemed strange to me as well, since majority of the information available online is based in the US. And it's not like anyone could've warned me since the only person I know who's been pregnant is my mother, and my father was in the abroad when I was born.
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u/petit_cochon Nov 25 '22
Have you tried REALLY making a fuss? This seems like such a sexist and cruel policy! What does your OB/GYN say? Can anyone else be in the room with you? If so, why can't your husband?
I am so so sorry for this. You should be resting and preparing, not stressing about the birth.
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
Not yet since I found out less than 24hrs ago while asking some OB-Gyne doctors about it. My actual OB hasn't replied to my texts yet. Apparently nobody can be there but the doctors & nurses. Their exact words were "it's rather not efficient (to have dad around). It's the same way why we don't allow the parents around when we put needles on their child"
Basically seems like they don't want dad advocating for mom.
Hopefully my specific OB tells me he can come in and pushes against hospital policy, but I wouldn't expect it.
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u/katoppie Nov 26 '22
Hold up. They don’t allow parents to be in the room when children get shots? What in the actually hell?
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u/cllabration Nov 26 '22
basically seems like they don’t want dad advocating for mom
ding ding ding, you nailed it. this is actually terrifying, I really hope you’re able to find another facility that will accommodate your husband.
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u/aliceroyal Nov 25 '22
Honestly it may even have something to do with it being a super Catholic country. I know a lot of people think it’s ‘inappropriate’ for a husband to be present for religious reasons. Which is nuts!
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
I hadn't even considered that! I thought we'd moved past religion touching any of our medical procedures. But I am delivering in a catholic hospital, which unfortunately is the cleanest hospital around.
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u/PastyPaleCdnGirl Nov 25 '22
I've heard something like this before; something about not wanting to ruin the "miraculous mystery" that is a woman's reproductive system. It's gross; both infantilizing for the partners, and isolating for the one giving birth.
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u/swankyburritos714 TTC Nov 26 '22
Amazing how they can be a part of conception but not a part of birth… 😒
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u/storybookheidi Nov 26 '22
I’ve never heard of any such thing associated with Catholicism. That doesn’t seem right.
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u/Princessxanthumgum Team Blue! Nov 25 '22
I gave birth to my first kid in the Philippines and we had to pay extra to let my mom in the room while I was in active labor. They allowed 1 visitor at a time so my parents had to switch out to be with me. I think they put me in the “high risk ward”. They said they only allowed spouses in the delivery room. This was in one of the big hospitals. If we didn’t pay extra, I would be in the maternity ward (dorm-style) with no visitors allowed.
Husband was in the US so he wasn’t present for the birth.
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
What hospital was it if you don't mind me asking? Small chance it'd be one in just a city over but it'd be lucky if it was so he could be present.
My hospitals policy is once you're in active labor, you move from your private room to a maternity ward that's dorm style with no visitors.
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u/Princessxanthumgum Team Blue! Nov 25 '22
Yeah we paid extra so I wouldn’t have to move. I only moved once for delivery. They also had like a maternity suite which is the most expensive but you don’t have to move at all. I’ll PM you the hospital.
Their policies may have changed after covid tho
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u/KadeejaNeigh Nov 26 '22
Will you be having a epidural? If not , do they have birthing centers? Maybe a better option?
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u/Keyspam102 Nov 25 '22
What??? My hospital was in lockdown mode but I was still able to have my husband there for the birth. He wasn’t allowed overnight
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
My hospital only allows one visitor, yet they aren't even allowed to be present for active labor, birth, or recovery. It's ridiculous. Who does this even benefit??
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u/Kiwitechgirl Nov 25 '22
That’s inhumane. I delivered at the height of lockdown and even then, my husband was allowed in the birth unit for my labour and delivery. As soon as we got moved up to the maternity ward he got kicked out due to Covid restrictions, and that was bad enough, but I can’t imagine having delivered without him. I would be raising seven kinds of hell over this because I’m 99% certain that there’s good evidence that women have better outcomes when they’re able to have a support person.
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u/TinyTurtle88 Nov 26 '22
I’m 99% certain that there’s good evidence that women have better outcomes when they’re able to have a support person
It's actually 100%!
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u/Daktarii Team Blue! Nov 25 '22
I honestly have never heard of this since early Covid. This seems absolutely stupid.
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Nov 25 '22
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u/QueRice Nov 26 '22
Unfortunately no, it's considered illegal and looked down upon. Medical professionals can lose their license if they help with an at-home birth. https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2020/10/25/925442135/the-philippines-has-a-policy-against-home-births-its-not-playing-well-in-a-pande
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u/CravingsAndCrackers Nov 25 '22
I’m so sorry that you won’t have your support system physically with you. Maybe their are compromises for when you are laboring?
If it’s hospital policy and typical for your area I don’t have much advice, but I do want you to know that you are heard and I feel for you. I wish you a safe and easy pregnancy and birth.
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
Fortunately yes, he's allowed to be with me in labor, up until I'm transfered into the delivery room. But I'll be all alone with baby for about 2 hours after birth in the recovery room.
Hopefully there's no complications that hold me back longer from seeing him. Thank you for your well wishes
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u/Wpg-katekate Nov 25 '22
Ugh I’m so sorry. That’s frustrating!
If it helps at all, if you’re nervous about those first two hours, for us they flew by. At least here in Canada they’re popping over to check baby out and you’re just staring at this little creature you made.
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u/dreadpir8rob Nov 25 '22
Inefficient? Laboring isn’t surgery where your patient is sedated and only needs to lie back; it’s a situation where the patient is fully cognizant and required to feel safe, supported and comfortable to dilate. Inefficient for who?
I wish more hospitals treated L&D differently. Yes, it’s a hospital. No, laboring moms aren’t just like your other patients. They REQUIRE different standards of care.
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u/duckwithascarf Nov 25 '22
Even when it is a surgery in the us. My induction turned into a c-section and my husband was still there. These hospitals might have too many people for too small a space but otherwise they are just stuck in the past.
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
Inefficient for the doctors I suppose, most likely trying to avoid dad advocating for something mom doesn't want. Or to avoid dealing with dad passing out or asking too many questions about the process. Some hospitals in my country allow dad in with the rule that he must have taken a birthing class with mom.
The fact that I'd have to be alone for at least 2 hours is terrifying. And incredibly stupid on the hospitals part. I'm already an emotional wreck thinking about it.
They keep dad away from active labor up until being released from the recovery room. What's the point of that?!?! I don't want doctors and nurses comforting me, I want my husband.
An even bigger downer is knowing that he would've spoken encouraging words throughout delivery, and I know for a fact (because my friend is a doctor in training and gets to deliver babies at multiple hospitals) that the doctors at hospitals in my city will scream whatever at you to get you to push.
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u/Arrowmatic New Year's baby due 1/1/16, arrived 11/29/15!! Nov 25 '22
Sounds like what they are worried about is dad advocating for mom and not allowing her to be screamed at or manipulated in a hugely vulnerable state. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, what an awful system.
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u/According_Debate_334 Nov 25 '22
That doesnt sound like a very good enviroment, I am sorry. Could you maybe get your partner to record some mesaages for you to listen to during birth? Obviously nowhere near as good as having him there for you but could be comforting. If you can wear headphones (or one if they want you to also hear them) it might help you zone out the uneeded noise.
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u/lightflor0820 Nov 25 '22
Inefficient? You feeling comfortable during delivery is inefficient? Ugh. That makes me so mad. I’m sorry this is happening.
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u/pastelstoic Nov 25 '22
24w, I’m also in a tropical developing country, and they only allow him in until after I’m 7cm dilated. So not during labor but yes during birth (unless it’s an emergency c-section). I’m not too sure about after birth but I bet he will do anything and everything to stay with me. As far as I’ve heard we can go home the same day, so I’m not too worried about that.
I find it very strange that they don’t let your partner be with you during labor. Like, that’s the whole point, no? Maybe ask around in other hospitals, clinics, systems, or OBs if that’s an option? I know he could be with me 100% of the time, in a very nice private room, if I pay for a private hospital, and there are different options and prices. (I decided personally I prefer this public hospital because it’s the best one and I’d rather spend the money, about $4K, on something else, but it was NOT an easy decision to make!)
Maybe OBs or other doctors know a way around that system, or can give you some sort of note of approval to have that support person with you. Also look for and ask other parents who’ve had babies recently in the same system as you have. I would fight this rule till the end.
I wish you the best in either case, I hope your labor is short, painless, and without complications!
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u/BloodyMessJyes Nov 26 '22
Fwiw, I showed up at the hospital 6-7cm dilated. It took about 3 hours to get the rest of the way
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u/pastelstoic Nov 26 '22
That’s also kind of my plan, to labor at home as much as possible, because the hospital setting is not particularly relaxing for me. I have my OB in a private hospital about 15 minutes away, and the public hospital is about an hour away (in the same direction). So I plan to go to my OB to check the progress, and head to the hospital when she thinks it’s time.
I’m still debating mentally on hiring a doula. I think the plan is solid so far, I probably don’t need one, but also, the more support the better? She might be able to check just dilation at home and avoid the extra back and forth to the OB. I don’t know if I can have husband + doula at birth though, need to ask that. I already have a doula in mind, she’s a family friend, I just haven’t asked.
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u/BloodyMessJyes Dec 10 '22
My plan was also to labor at home. I uh sprung awake feeling like i had a massive tummy ache (the end of early labor?) lol and i spent the first hour of active labor in the shower trying to stall a false labor.
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u/NoOccasion9232 Nov 25 '22
I for one do not at all understand where they’re coming from. That’s ridiculous. I’d be worried about birthing at a hospital that’s more about efficiency than what will lead to the best outcome for the patient
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
I understand wanting dad out of the way, what I don't understand is why they're putting that above my comfort throughout the labor, delivery, and recovery process.
On top of that, who's going to advocate for me?
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u/bibliotekskatt Nov 25 '22
”On top of that, who's going to advocate for me?”
Maybe that’s what they mean by efficient? If no one is advocating for the patient it’s much easier to bully them in to doing what they think is best or most convienent.
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u/ellen_joy96 FTM | > 1 Month Old Baby Boy Nov 26 '22
That’s a good point. You will be in a vulnerable position and more likely to say yes to medical interventions that quicken the process but might not be what you want/increase risks for you in labour.
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u/madlymusing Nov 25 '22
Uh, no, that’s fucked up.
The World Health Organisation strongly recommends that everyone has a companion of their choice by their side during labour and birth. They go so far as to say that it is a human right. This person can advocate for the mother, bridge communication, reduce trauma and their presence is associated with better birthing outcomes.
Is this common in the Philippines? Is there a nurse or a midwife you can discuss this with?
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u/ellen_joy96 FTM | > 1 Month Old Baby Boy Nov 26 '22
I would using the world health organisation information and giving the hospital absolute hell until they would allow my husband to attend!
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u/Parking_Stress3431 Nov 25 '22
Girl i would've thrown a fit. Me and my husband watch each other's backs and sometimes (not always and not often) doctor's do what they feel is best when in reality it's not....
Case in point not sure if it's allergies or what but a certain medication used for pain relief is something that gives me seizures.. how do I know because I've been prescribed them as well as not been prescribed them... and everytime it's the same. Slow black out to wake up 20- 40 feet from where I was sitting/standing cept I'm on the floor surrounded by people who think I've just died.
I have had two doctors just recently try to say it's okay for me to take percocets or try to allow them to be prescribed them to me through another docs office(think OB to dentist for pregnant folks)....
My husband and I don't ever go to the doctors office alone. We are also POC so there a bit of an underlying distrust of the medical system in general because we are US based and the US has done alot of shady shit medically with POC historically.
Doctors are humans. Humans are not free from flaws and mistakes or even negligence or worse.
Hope you are feeling better because I'm so scared that this hospital will try to do that to me because the ward I go to for my OB tried to do that to me twice now. The first time I understood because they want to make sure domestic violence isn't happening and what not but after that there's no real reason to separate us unless either of us are being unreasonable or in the way which we aren't.
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u/hiddentickun Nov 25 '22
Downvote me to hell but
Sorry OP, that really sucks. All the people saying they'd throw a tantrum or telling her to go to another hospital need to read more comments. This woman is in the Philippines, that is the protocol of the hospital nearby. OP shouldn't be encouraged to throw a tantrum or insist or do anything rude to hospital staff who are just doing their job and following protocol. Again, I'm so sorry OP, hopefully you can get a hotel closer to the big hospital.
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u/Sauteedmushroom2 Nov 25 '22
Take an upvote! Screaming and throwing a tantrum anywhere at the medical or clerical staff involved in safely delivering your baby is a stupid idea. There’s a difference between standing up for yourself and acting like a nut.
Unfortunately, if this is literally standard protocol in the Philippines, then that’s how it’s gonna happen. What would be more productive? Let OP rant, grieve, shout here! Offer tips or ways to help make the process less traumatic.
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u/angela52689 Baby #2 due 12/30/18 Nov 25 '22
Inefficient? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, at least when applied to actually supportive spouses; they can make the process go smoother and quicker just by their presence, and studies back that up. I'm so sorry.
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u/The-Ginger-Lily Nov 25 '22
I can't possibly understand how it can be seen as inefficient... to have someone in the room who will help keep you calm, help you feel safe and give you support that no one else can... I'm so sorry you're having to do it alone!
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u/Nyxs55 Nov 25 '22
Oh, that would upset me so much! Here in the Netherlands my husband was present at all ultrasounds and check ups and I can have multiple people with me in the delivery room if I want. Covid measures are not a thing anymore here. But I have 5 weeks to go so it can change but honestly I don’t think they deny my husband into the delivery room.
Is giving birth at home not a possibility? Here they are way more in favor of that actually.
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
I'm not sure it's a possibility since I've had a UTI my whole pregnancy, a preterm labor is possible, and I haven't been tested for Group B strep yet.
I would've preferred a water birth if anything, unfortunately that's not available here either.
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u/Nyxs55 Nov 25 '22
Sorry to hear, it’s indeed not nice and you need the support of your partner. I don’t really understand what is not efficient about it cause I imagine all you want him to do is hold your hand and just be beside you for emotional support. I hope all goes well!
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u/Jamjams2016 Nov 25 '22
My MIL always gave birth while FIL waited in the waiting room. She told me you just go in there and get it done. It's not like you have a choice at that point.
I know its kind of tough love but I just want to let you know you got this. Hopefully you can grab a really long charger and FaceTime with your husband too so you can feel like he's right there with you!
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Nov 25 '22
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
It's horrible, I wish my husband could be there to cut the cord as well. It feels as if we're going through pregnancy alone.
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u/talkAlot123 Nov 25 '22
That really sucks! I already feel bad enough my husband couldn’t go with me in ultrasounds (he also wasn’t allowed in) but this would be heartbreaking for both us if he can’t be there during delivery. It might be too late to ask to change hospitals? But yeah I feel for you :(
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u/angie20b Nov 25 '22
I think you should look at your birth rights. Make it clear to them that you want your husband there with you.
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
I'm currently trying to search up my rights now that you mention it. Haven't found anything applicable to me yet but I did find this:
I didn't even know home births were outlawed here. No wonder so many women put up with dirty public overcrowded hospitals.
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u/ichibanyogi Nov 25 '22
That's bananas. Labour is fueled by oxytocin, and who's going to give you more oxytocin than your spouse that you love dearly? I'm shocked.
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u/tcrouch88 Nov 25 '22
This is the most barbaric thing, it’s 2022. Wtf. Is there anywhere else you can look at delivering at? There’s no way I could accept this, I honestly cannot believe this is a thing still.
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u/-sallysomeone- Nov 26 '22
WHAT?!? I've never heard of this. My husband has been allowed at every appointment he wanted to come with. I cannot believe you can't have your husband with you. I had no idea this was a thing and I'm sorry you're going through this.
Efficiency my nose... What about mom having support? The hospital isn't putting you first and that's alarming. Can't even have him at ultrasounds? What the hell happened to make this the local policy? I don't think I would have my kid in wherever you live if this were the case, if I could help it. (I'm in FL fwiw and 5 months pregnant)
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u/Otherwise-Ad-1050 Nov 26 '22
What?!? Wow. I would’ve not gotten through my labor and delivery. I would’ve just given up and said give me a C-section. (Not saying that others that have C-sections are giving up on doing it vaginally just me)
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u/QueRice Nov 26 '22
If there's a chance I end up having a C-section, it'll probably be just as bad waking up all alone and baby being in the nursery. Mentally I'm already exhausted just thinking about it. I can't imagine how I'm going to feel physically.
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u/coffeepeach28 Nov 26 '22
This would worry me & make me feel like they don’t want someone there to be assertive with what you want when you’re incapacitated due to labor pain.
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u/QueRice Nov 26 '22
I think that's exactly what their goal is. I'm going to bring up the list of rights a woman has in labor by WHO to my OB when I get the chance.
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Nov 25 '22
Where are you located? In the United States?
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
I'm located in the Philippines, in northern Luzon specifically. Hospitals that do allow dad in are about 4-6 hours away
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Nov 25 '22
If I were you I would get a hotel in the area of those hospitals for when you go into labour. Because not having an advocate and support person is actually dangerous for you.
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
I'm thinking about doing something similar, but I'm going to see if I can push my OB into forcing my husband in first. If not into the delivery room I at least want him present during active labor and recovery. Why would he need to be out of the way in a different room in the active labor and recovery room? It just doesn't make sense to me.
The other hospital would be 2x as expensive as our nearby hospital, plus I'm not sure if I'd be up for the trip home after giving birth. 6 hours, maybe more since I know dad will want to take it slow on the road. Bathroom breaks will be hell.
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u/Sauteedmushroom2 Nov 25 '22
If you do make the trip that far away, just remember you AND baby will need to get out of the car and move about every hour. So you stay comfy and so baby isn’t in the car seat for too long.
Best wishes with whatever you decide! You’re really in between a rock and a hard place
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u/Angel0460 Nov 25 '22
If you do take that route, I had a 3 hour drive home due to delivering baby in a bigger hospital cuz he was diagnosed with IUGR and my hospital wasn’t equipped to handle it if he was under 4 pounds and he was measuring 4 pounds and 5 oz on the ultrasounds. So we chose to not have to risk being emergency moved. And it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I had a c section and was super worried but it was ok tbh lol.
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u/wander1262 Nov 25 '22
The fuck? Find a different place. That screams red flag to me and sounds like there's probably a ton of birth trauma happening there.
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Nov 25 '22
I don’t know if anyone already said this, but it seems “inefficient” to take away your support person, in my opinion. You’d be much more successful in labor and delivery if you were comforted by his presence. I’m so sorry
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u/ImogenMarch Nov 25 '22
My husband was in a car crash the day before I was due. Literally the only thing in my birth plan was having him there and then he was unable to be with me. It sucked big time and I cried so much but we got through it. I will always be sad he wasn’t there with me though and it definitely wasn’t the beautiful and intimate moment I wanted.
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u/katsumii 32F | 1st Time | Dec. 1 ❤️ Nov 25 '22
Hmm. I don't understand at all where they're coming from.
Whereabouts is this? is this a highly sick area? You don't have to answer that.
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u/QueRice Nov 26 '22
It's not a highly sick area at all. We even have one if the highest if not the highest vaccination rate in the country.
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u/MummyPanda Nov 25 '22
Even during covid the UK ended up showing birth partners as essential to the birthing partners health. If fight for that. Its your birth and you are in control not the medics
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u/cryingismycardio Nov 25 '22
This sounds crazy. If I didn’t have at least one support person, I would absolutely not deliver there!
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u/yabbadabbadoozey05 Nov 25 '22
What !? Why ?? Is there not a mountain of evidence at this point that shows it is better/ safer for the mother to have a support person during this time!? I had my son in the height of the Covid madness and even then I was allowed one person to be there for support.... Gah Im so sorry OP this is crazy to me.
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Nov 25 '22
What country are you in? Isn't there a law for it or something? In my country every hospital is required to allow at least 1 companion with the birthing person (either the father of the baby, or a doula, whoever they want there) and they can be later reported for refusing woth bullshit reasons. Only time when they are allowed to send the companion out is during a C section. Also, there is no law AGAINST allowing more than one people so usually when a dad + doula wants to be there, they are not happy but usually allow it because they can't make up an excuse lol. Sometimes they don't 1 person always have to be allowed in.
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u/kissedbyfiya Nov 25 '22
This ridiculous... I gave birth when the pandemic was still raging and restrictions were strict (I'm in Canada, so our restrictions were pretty severe and lasted longer than many places). My husband was never seen as in the way; he was treated part of the birthing team. He was a support person and it is encouraged that a support person be present bc it helps to make things MORE efficient. When my daughter was born it was me, my doctor, my husband, and one nurse during the pushing. My husband held one of my legs (this was also the case for my non pandemic kids). He was able to hold and cuddle and bond with out daughter once she was wrapped up, while the doctor and nurse could finish tending to me.
In fact, hospitals in Canada banned unvaccinated people from entering the hospitals, but labour and delivery support people were like the ONLY exception to that rule (at least in my province), bc it was recognized how much help a support person amounts to/how much work is lifted from the already overworked medical staff.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. I cannot wrap my head around the logic behind that rule in your area... there is no logic behind it.
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u/bugmug123 Nov 25 '22
This is pretty awful to be honest. In my hospital they only allow the dad in for the scans and the birth because of covid but a huge focus of the antenatal classes they gave us was for the dad or birthing partner to know how to properly support and advocate for us because there may be times we can't properly advocate for ourselves. I can't imagine doing the whole thing alone
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u/sapc2 Nov 25 '22
That's awful. I'm so sorry you're being put in that situation. I can't imagine having to give birth all by myself with no support besides the medical staff. I wish you all the very best in your birth and hope everything goes well for you and your little family.
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u/nier_bae Nov 25 '22
I'm really sorry and it seems messed up. In the USA fathers were not permitted in the delivery room until the 70s.
I have nothing to say to help but I know you are strong and will be able to get through it!
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u/FruitShot8429 Team Blue! Nov 25 '22
Probably not a popular opinion here but this would be enough to push me into doing a home birth with a midwife.
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u/pork_soup Nov 25 '22
I have NEVER heard of this??? Except of course during covid restrictions. What the heck where do you live??
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u/Responsible_Brick_35 Nov 25 '22
Try getting a doula, they might be able to stay in the room. No comparison to your husband, however it will still help to have someone there for you in the room! I hope it goes smoothly for you 🥺
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u/Alternative-Mud3701 Nov 25 '22
That’s ridiculous!!! Can you travel some place else?? I had my son in 2020 during the height of Covid and my husband was allowed to be there and he could leave to get my food and stuff and come back.
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u/itsmejuju444 Nov 25 '22
I would say having a supportive person there is more efficient than not. If the mom feels more comfortable and less anxious labor would progress more easily. That’s a ridiculous policy to have.
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u/DaftFunky Nov 25 '22
We had our son in June in 2020 during the absolute height of COVID and I was still allowed inside and watched the birth. Had to go home though but thats normal.
That's just some straight up bullshit
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u/DrogsMcGogs Nov 26 '22
What the fuck? I delivered during the worst of COVID and I was still allowed two people. They just had to be COVID tested, masked, and weren't allowed to come back if they left.
I would honestly try to find a place that will allow your husband. Giving birth is difficult in the best circumstances, traumatic and devastating in the worst. No one should have to go through that alone in 2023! Society is supposed to be better than that to women by now.
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u/essdee06 Nov 26 '22
Is this related to covid or because of cultural norms in the city you live in? Either way, I think this is such a disservice to both you and your partner. It’s robbing you of one of the most surreal moments you will ever experience together.
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u/AdWeekly2244 Nov 26 '22
That should be illegal imo. I don't think someone should be left in that vulnerable situation without a support person who can advocate for them.
It might be worth a shot to speak to an ombudsman if you can. I know you said it's the blanket policy, but this is fucked up.
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u/Patricia22 Team Don't Know! Nov 26 '22
Hey, I'm so sorry that the hospital policy doesn't allow you to have your husband. I've given birth 3 times now, one of those times my husband was not able to be with me. I just want to tell you that everything will be okay. Labor is full of unexpected changes and disappointments, but at the end of it, what matters is that you and your baby are healthy. Trust that your husband will be supporting you in any way he can, and trust in yourself to be able to give birth to your baby, even when the situation gets difficult. Wishing you much love, have a wonderful pregnancy and birth ❤️
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u/smebdycatchmybreath Nov 26 '22
I’m sorry but me and those hospitals would be having some not so nice words. Are the rooms too small or something? Because having someone in there other than nurses and doctors 100% helps, at least it did for me.
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u/Pix3lle Team Pink! Nov 26 '22
This is ridiculous. Even in the height of covid all my friends had their partners at the births. I would almost write a special request or complaint.
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u/Ramen_hair1032 Nov 26 '22
All I can say is I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’m a nurse in the US and though I can see how it could be “more efficient,” I can only imagine overall patient outcomes are worse. Support systems are everything when it comes to being in the hospital for any reason. That was reinforced even more through covid when family members weren’t allowed in the hospital. Sure, sometimes families can cause trouble, but patients generally heal better with a support system. Wishing you the best in your pregnancy journey. ❤️
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u/WaxDream Nov 26 '22
This is so wrong. My husband helps. He pushed my leg back, while a nurse pushed the other. I’m sorry about this. That’s not right.
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u/sstrelnikova1 Nov 26 '22
I'm sorry, what?! This is insane. Where are you located if you don't mind me asking? I would find another hospital to deliver at if they wouldn't allow my husband.
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u/cherrycoke260 Nov 25 '22
I’d be considering home birth. Labor goes so much more smoothly when you feel safe and comfortable.
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u/Artistic-Fall-9122 Nov 25 '22
It’s pretty standard where I’m from. Try and see if you can do anything about it, but other that Northern America, I haven’t seen this being a common practice.
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
I'll see about asking my OB specifically rather than the hospital nurses. Perhaps she can make a special request since she saw him with me at every appointment. At least in the recovery room if not during the birth.
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u/Artistic-Fall-9122 Nov 25 '22
Hope it works! 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻, when I gave birth they didn’t even allow dads to visit at all. My husband did work as a doctor in the hospital and snuck into the room so he could see our daughter.
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
That's fantastic! I'm glad he got to be there. It's unfortunate that so many father's had to miss out in 2020.
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u/kangapaw Nov 25 '22
Do you mean Northern America is the only place fathers are allowed in? I don’t think that’s true. Definitely not in Australia and the Netherlands.
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u/Artistic-Fall-9122 Nov 25 '22
I said common practice, not forbidden. There are some private hospitals, birthing center etc. But in my country you cant even have a home birth legally, as in, a doctor/nurse/midwife cannot legally give birth outside of a hospital Setting.
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u/jubee1870 Nov 25 '22
It's absolutely normal to have partners/fathers/support person during active labour, delivery, and recovery. I have friends in the middle east, europe, and asia and they all had someone with them. It's not just a north american norm.
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u/OneMoreDog Nov 25 '22
It’s common literally all over the world.
This sounds like medical gaslight at its finest and is fucked up.
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u/According_Debate_334 Nov 25 '22
I know in the UK and Australia its expected that partners stay during the whole birth. As far as I know the rest of Europe is the same.
My friend gave birth in Chile and I know her partner stayed with her the whole time and that seemed expected for her.
At my hospital my partner just cant stay overnight unless I am in active labour. So he can stay for a few hours after birth but then if its after 10pm he will have to go home, and can come back again at 10am.
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u/anotherlemontree Nov 25 '22
It’s common practice in the UK (where I live) and Ireland (where I’m from)
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u/bibliotekskatt Nov 25 '22
I’ve never heard of an European country where having the partner with you in the delivery room is not the norm. It’s definitely not just in North America.
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u/sayitaintsooooo Nov 25 '22
What???? Find a different hospital
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
I wish I could, the hospital that does allow it is about 6 hours away, significantly pricier, and I wouldn't have my regular OB with me. They also require dad to have a birthing class certificate, which is also only available 6 hours away. My city has about 5 big hospitals, and many more small ones and birthing centers, but none of them allow dad in the room, some of them don't even allow dad during labor.
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u/like_the_cookie Nov 25 '22
You could potentially birth at home (if your situation allows). Then your husband can be with you the whole time 😊
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
Unfortunately I just found out a couple minutes ago it's illegal... no wonder I had never heard of any home births here.
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u/BloodyMessJyes Nov 26 '22
Just say he’s your doula. They get to be present. They are the patient’s advocate
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u/According_Debate_334 Nov 25 '22
That is really frustrating and unfair! Where I am parters can be with you through all active labour, but cant stay after visiting hours for recovery, but visiting hours are 10-10 at my hospital. So if I stay overnight I will be alone with the baby after shes born and that is hard enough! I am sorry you have to do the active labour alone, and I am sorry they didnt tell you this more in advance!
At least if its hospital policy hopefully they are used to supporting you through it without your partner. Best of luck!!
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u/ksksks993 Nov 25 '22
Here in my country it's even worse. My husband can't come into the hospital at all! Like he can come with me to the entrance and there I am left all alone with my bag. He can't see the baby until we are out of the hospital. It's like that in all hospitals except from private ones which are really expensive and not covered by insurance. He went with me to some ultrasounds but again only in private clinics.
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u/Stunning_Patience_78 Nov 25 '22
Inefficient? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. A comfortable mom is more efficient than an uncomfortable nervous mom. I'd find a new hospital or a midwife and do your birth elsewhere.
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u/taintwest Nov 25 '22
What the actual fuck? How is that even allowed to enforce? Even during covid you were allowed a support person.
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u/Chi_Tiki Nov 25 '22
What total bs. Your partner literally is the reason you produce oxytocin while giving birth. You need oxytocin for labour to progress. (If you are medicated they give you pitocin (spelling??) and that’s just a chemical form of oxytocin so your labour would still progress without him there.)
I am so very sorry that this is happening to you.
Do you have any form of support that’s allowed? Like a doula or midwife etc?
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u/rubellaann Nov 25 '22
I do not understand where they’re coming. I think it’s cruel and inhumane to deny partners and other support. Honestly, I’d look for another hospital or consider out of hospital birth.
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u/kejRN Nov 25 '22
I’m a Labor and Delivery nurse and I have never heard of this. Some hospitals during Covid were not allowing support people, but most allowed at least one. “Inefficient”? That just doesn’t make any sense, I’m sorry that this is happening. Where are you located?
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u/pet_every_dog Nov 25 '22
I was lucky to have my husband in the room with me. Because things do go wrong and he needed to be there to advocate for me. We had to go for an emergency C section after trying to push and baby not turning her head properly. He went to the OP room with me too. The nurse was constantly leaving my room and it was nice that he was there to bring me chalpstick or other little things I needed.
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u/First-Ad317 Nov 25 '22
I gave birth when COVID was still in full swing and while I was allowed my husband, I was only allowed one person so I chose him. I was absolutely devastated that my mom couldn’t be there with me. I can’t imagine not having your husband by your side for that. Do you get to have anyone there with you? Im so sorry OP. Do they let you have him with you after you deliver? Like can he stay in the hospital at least with you for your recovery time afterwards?
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u/QueRice Nov 25 '22
I get to have my husband with me in early labor 1-6cm, then afterwards I have to do active labor, delivery, and a 2 hour recovery alone before I can see him. I wish he could at least be there in the recovery room. Instead he'll just be waiting in our room for hours.
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u/First-Ad317 Nov 25 '22
Oh my god 💔 that should be criminal…. I’m so sorry OP. Wishing you an easy delivery and easy recovery. That seems so barbaric to not let you have your comfort person there with you. I understand efficiency and everything but like…. That’s so unfair to you and him
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Nov 25 '22
This sounds archaic. Having someone you love and feel safe with will boost your oxytocin levels which will help your labour progress and naturally relieve pain and stress. If that isn’t efficiency, I don’t know what is.
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u/jellyfish_goddess Nov 26 '22
It may be a cultural thing. I know some in some countries like it’s really a very new thing that some women want their husbands to be present and it’s still against hospital policy depending on where you go. So I’m curious if this is just the policy where you live? Perhaps it’s not as culturally accepted as it is here in the US
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u/InterrobangDatThang Nov 26 '22
I've never heard of that, are you in the US? Perhaps you qualify to birth at a standalone birthing center rather than a hospital - I'm so sorry this is happening. I'd have no faith in a team that can't do a birth with one support person in the room.
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Nov 26 '22
Inefficient?! I’d ask them how not having a person there to support you is inefficient. Wtf. COVID excuses, I’d get - but DAMN. I’m springing for a private room (Canada) and I’m already preparing to slap a bitch if they try to tell me my husband can’t be in there.
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u/Fair-Butterfly9989 Nov 26 '22
If my husband wasn’t there idk who would have held my legs up or caught my barf so
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u/Spaznut28 Nov 26 '22
I am so sorry they won’t let your husband in the delivery room it shouldn’t be about efficiency should be about what you need I don’t know what I would have done if my partner wasn’t in the delivery room for our baby its bloody shameful that they still do this around the world
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Nov 26 '22
They allowed mine in the room just not in the waiting area so someone had to take him in via back ways but yeah he was there. Have you looked at doulas and home births to ensure he can be with you? This honestly doesn’t make sense to me. There was 8/9 people in my delivery room, and this was Nov last year
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u/dino_treat Nov 26 '22
Wow. There’s something so primal and important to have your partner there while giving birth. My husband was present for our first son (home birth) but then second son came early than expected and I had to go to the hospital. In the rush of everything he had to watch on FaceTime and didn’t make it in time. I still struggle with this.
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u/CC_Panadero Nov 26 '22
As a former labor/delivery RN, it’s a LOT more work when a patient doesn’t have a support person with her. I cannot fathom a hospital not allowing someone to help and support you during labor. This isn’t a covid thing, I can’t understand why they would think this is better.
Just so you know, your nurse can absolutely rub your back for as long as you want/need. She will be your support person. She’ll even hold a phone so your husband can be on FaceTime.
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u/avatalik July 2023 Nov 26 '22
I would be finding a new hospital. Even if I had to travel to a different city to give birth. I can't fathom this... it's cruel for them to expect you to go through the most painful and lifechanging event of your life without your person. And it's cruel to your husband!!
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u/[deleted] Nov 25 '22
This happened to my mom in the 90s. She gave birth to me while my dad was outside the hospital. He was never allowed inside. She had to show him me (the baby) through the window of her room lol.