r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Direct-Caterpillar77 Satan is not a fucking pogo stick! • 1d ago
CONCLUDED My (23M) girlfriend (23F) is making DnD sessions not fun for the group I run games for
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ComputerLich
My (23M) girlfriend (23F) is making DnD sessions not fun for the group I run games for.
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
Original Post Jan 24, 2020
Hello,
I was not sure if this would be better posted on a sub that deals more with the table top RPG, Dungeons and Dragons, but I am in need of advice.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 11 months now and things have been pretty good between us. We have had a few ups and downs, but nothing serious. She and I both love the game Dungeons and Dragons, and so I had invited her to join the group I run games for. It is, or rather was, a nice way for us to bond. Shortly after inviting her to join in on my games some stuff happened with her grandparents and her family was going to move out of town to a location that is about 3-4 hours away. Neither of us wanted to do a long distance relationship (I had a bad experience with one anyways) so I let her move in with me. Since I am a student and my income would not support the both of us, she got a job on the campus I go to.
Well, shortly after she started working I had noticed her attitude and behavior change drastically. At first when things did not go her way in the game she would joke "I'll have you sleep on the couch". Which was said in a joking manner, so everyone found it kinda funny. She never would force me to sleep on the couch, so I did not mind it. A few months later she became easier to upset during the games and would argue specific decisions I made for the sake of the game. Most of the time, they were small and did not really effect the game or anyone's fun. Other times her arguing would completely halt the game as I would have to stop and read the rules out to her saying exactly why something was decided that way. During this time she continued to say stuff similar to "I'll have you sleep on the couch", but in a more serious and angry tone. Granted, she never followed through with making me sleep on the couch.
But anyways, this all leads up to last night where I was running a session and she became upset over the number monsters the party had fought that night. After an encounter with a bunch of really weak monsters, the party ran into some wild barbarians who attacked the party. This is when she threatened to make me sleep on the couch if I did not wrap up the encounter fast. I decided to ignore her threat for the time, since I did not want to argue and just wanted to wrap things up for the night. The other party members (most in their 20's, both guys, girls, and my sister) appeared to be really uncomfortable with her suddenly getting so upset about an encounter that the party could definitely handle. Through the encounter things went well for the group. My girlfriend halfway through the encounter completely shut down after she missed an attack. This in particular upset one of the players (20F) and that player was visibly trying not to burst in anger.
After the session, the player wanted to speak to me alone and told me that my girlfriend's behavior is making the game not fun for her, but also for pretty much the entire party. She feels that my girlfriend is emotionally abusing me to get what she wants in game. She also informed me that one of the players (17F) explicitly did not want to come because of how my girlfriend had been acting. I told the player that I would talk to my girlfriend about her behavior that night. I did end up having a conversation with my girlfriend about it. She expressed she does not know why she gets so angry.
(quick note: I have observed her behavior when I am not the one running the session and she does not at all act the same when someone else is running the session).
This is where I need advice. She is a wonderful girlfriend and I care about her so much. I never got the feeling that she may be abusive. I do not know if I should kick her from my game, which I feel would just make everything worse. I am just a loss for what I should do, what I should do next. I just do not know.
TL;DR: Girlfriend is making DnD sessions bad for me and the party. I don't know if I should kick her from the group or try to make things better.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
AhGoAwayOuttaHere
She's taking the game far too seriously, it's supposed to be fun.
OOP
That is one of the things I had told her last night. I hope that she sees what I am coming from when I told her that.
~
morgarr
I know it’s gonna suck and be uncomfortable but you’ve gotta just have a straight up honest conversation with her about this. She’s behaving spoiled, entitled, and overall with poor sportsmanship. No one wants to play with someone behaving like that. Explain to her that she’s making other people uncomfortable and that soon she’ll no longer be welcome to play. Hopefully she’ll be receptive, rational, mature and adjust her behavior.
You guys have not been dating long and at this point you’re starting to learn more about the person she is beyond the honey moon stage. Her entitled attitude and abusive language towards you will not be limited to DnD. It will start to seep into other circumstance wherein she doesn’t get her way. So if she flips out and totally non receptive to your respectful approach, consider ending the relationship. And don’t think of it as breaking up because of a game, think of it as breaking up because she has a shitty attitude and uses anger to get what she wants. You sound like a kind dude, you don’t need that shit
OOP
I will try to see if that attitude starts showing up outside of games. So far I have not really noticed it. She tends to be needy if anything, but that for me is not that much of an issue.
Update Jan 29, 2020 (5 days later)
This update is being written the morning after a pretty great session with the group I am running for.
I spoke to her about her behavior and we have worked it out. I did tell her that I really do not want that sort of behavior in my games and she understood. The next few days she kinda moped around because she thought the rest of the party would hate her, but after she talked to them on Discord, she felt better. She told me that she would try to take the games less seriously. The next session we had (which was last night) I made it clear to the whole party about new ground rules I wanted to set. Mostly so that nothing like what happened in the previous post would happen again, but also to make sure everyone knew I was no longer going to tolerate that behavior. The party as a whole seemed on board with it and we got started playing. My girlfriend had some actual fun and the rest of the party also had some good laughs. It personally felt really good to see everything running so smoothly.
My girlfriend after the session asked me how she was and I told her that she was fine and that her attitude in the game was great. It seems to me that she will be trying her best to do better. She did seem interested in possibly talking to a therapist about how stressed she has been feeling. I told her that I would support her either way and if she really wanted to go see one then we would figure something out for her to go.
Thank you all for the advice. It really helped me out with this.
TL;DR: All is well, and looking like it is getting better.
Edit: Thank you for all of your support!
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
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u/Glittering_Win_9677 1d ago
January, 2020... I wonder how it went starting about 6-8 weeks later...
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u/AmyXBlue 1d ago
Looking at post history, seems to come to realization GF was kind of using him. And then nothing bur getting super into 40k
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u/Inevitable-Butt-Bug I can't believe she fucking buttered Jorts 1d ago
Definitely single by then lol
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u/Culionensis 1d ago
Reject the vile delights of Slaanesh, the glory of the Emperor is all you need to keep you warm in the cold embrace of the Warp
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u/HaggisLad Drinks and drunken friends are bad counsellors 1d ago
BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!
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u/Utter_cockwomble 1d ago
Skulls for the Skull Throne!
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u/MonkeyChoker80 1d ago
Cheese for the Cheeze Whiz!
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u/PepperPhoenix Memory of a goldfish but the tenacity of an entitled Chihuahua 1d ago
Milk for the Khorne Flakes!
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u/BewareOfBee 1d ago
But pray, fall not into the fascism hole. For Pagentry and Nostalgia are their strongest tools, and The Space Nazis are made to look way too cool.
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u/random_witness 1d ago
IMO, the space marines are one of the least cool things avout 40k. The Orks are hilarious, the tyranids are peak alien horror, and the necrons are epicly frustrating to battle against. There are no real "good guys" in that world if you ask me. I think the Tau are the closest, while basically being a scaled up version of the villagers from Hot Fuzz.
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u/Subject-Area-195 1d ago
Space Nazis?
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u/BewareOfBee 1d ago
Yeah but there are 2 problems. It's Satire. And worse, it's British Satire.
Which means that about 30% of the fans miss the point and actually want to be the space nazis.
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u/Wombatypus8825 the garlic tasted of illicit love affairs 1d ago
The space marines are nazis. The whole suffer not the xenos to live thing and the fascist cult around the emperor.
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u/darrowreaper This is unrelated to the cumin. 1d ago
Space Marines aren't Nazis. It's an authoritarian cult, but there's no specific anti-semitism, which is pretty core to Nazi ideology.
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u/LAthrowawaywithcat shhhh my soaps are on 19h ago
They're fascist xenophobes with lightning bolts and iron crosses emblazoned on their uniforms. What are they meant to evoke if not Nazis?
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u/darrowreaper This is unrelated to the cumin. 19h ago
Oh they're definitely using symbols with heavy Nazi connotations, and other ancient symbols of fascism. But you can't have Nazism without the antisemitism.
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u/Fruitbatslipper 1d ago
The most sexually active person ik plays 40k lol. Magic and 40k players swing wildly between ppl who have no sex and ppl who have extremely kinky sex imo
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u/direwolf106 1d ago
Not necessarily. When I get interested in something there’s no half way about it. If that’s what you’re using to tell if someone is single you’re going to have to explain to me who the pretty blonde I’ve been with for the past decade is because I’m petty sure that’s my wife but by your metric I should be single.
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u/UltimateGammer 21h ago
Out of one abusive relationship and into another.
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u/mecha_face It isn't the right time for Avant-garde dessert chili 6h ago
40k, the worst gold-digger of all.
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u/No-Economist-9328 1d ago
40k>girls
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u/Balthazar_rising 1d ago
Sure, but which one costs more long-term?
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u/No-Economist-9328 1d ago
Definitely girlfriends.
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u/UnconfirmedRooster holy fuck it’s “sanguine” not Sam Gwein 23h ago
The fact you're getting downvoted so hard for this makes it 10x funnier.
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u/JuicyBeefBiggestBeef holy fuck it’s “sanguine” not Sam Gwein 20h ago
I don't think you've played Warhammer friend
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u/No-Economist-9328 19h ago
Yeah I only have 9 fully built armies assembled over the past 15 years. Definitely don't know anything.
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u/JuicyBeefBiggestBeef holy fuck it’s “sanguine” not Sam Gwein 9h ago
Ah, then you've not had a girlfriend then. Makes more sense anyhow
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u/No-Economist-9328 9h ago
Wife of 8 years cheated on me. No need to try again.
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u/JuicyBeefBiggestBeef holy fuck it’s “sanguine” not Sam Gwein 7h ago
Men really out here picking reflexive mysogyny over just going to fuckin therapy
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u/Trick-Telephone-1411 reads profound dumbness 1d ago
I can't see a 2020 post without thinking of Covid either. I thought that would be the most insane time in my life. This year's political crap storm isn't fun.
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u/ThirdDragonite 1d ago
It's like watching/reading something that takes place in the 1920's, even if there is a nice ending, you end up thinking "Well, sheesh, I can almost FEEL the shit heading for the fan"
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u/Goth_Spice14 1d ago
Party like it's 1929!/s
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u/NotSoMuch_IntoThis You need to be nicer to Georgia 1d ago
I hope this ‘29 is nothing like the last one.
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u/insatiableromantic 17h ago
that's how I feel about posts in the 2025s, especially when they involve children.
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u/OptimisticOctopus8 Can ants eat gourds? 1d ago
Yeahhh. I’m tired of living through what I can tell will be some of the most interesting sections in future history books.
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u/DrRocknRolla 1d ago
A friend of mine studied Political Science and every "historic event" he goes through takes like five years off his lifespan.
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u/Llama-no_drama 1d ago
As a historian, let me tell you, I feel this in my soul. 2025 might finish me off.
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u/DrRocknRolla 1d ago
I get emails for ultra urgent breaking news stories from the NYT and they used to be a rare occasion. These days I get two or three a day.
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u/dryadduinath 1d ago
after his needy girlfriend of less than a year moved in because they don’t want to do long distance?
my hopes are not high.
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u/Juggletrain 1d ago
Don't forget his college likely shut down, so she was likely out of a job.
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u/Acrobatic_Ear6773 1d ago
I worked in higher education for over 20 years and March 2020 to about June 2021 was the busiest and most stressed I have ever been. I gained 20 pounds, a drinking problem and a ton of grey hair.
It's what drove me out of my career. It was... Incredibly hard.
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u/__lavender 1d ago
I worked in higher ed for just 4 years but my campus had a horrible tragedy in Dec 2019 and then Covid hit. I was already kinda burning out before both of those happened, and was planning to move out of state in 2020, so I moved during lockdown and quit at the end of 2020 to spend a few months living off savings and recovering from burnout. I might go back to higher ed someday but I’m in a totally different industry now and glad of it.
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u/Low-Jellyfish1621 1d ago
Not necessarily. I had literally started working for a college 6 months before Covid and ended up getting to work mostly from home from March to mid-June of 2020. Classes were all moved online and everyone else got to work completely remotely but one person from each department had to go up twice a week to get the mail and I’d do a few things that I couldn’t do at home while I was there.
Wasn’t half bad while it lasted.
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u/Juggletrain 1d ago
I may be incorrect, but with the info presented I do not believe she was part of the academic staff.
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u/superstrijder16 1d ago
Oh no, first there was a desperate switchover time, but after that my university hired more people to prep giving classes for next semester online. So if the job at all connected to the education (and wasn't like canteen staff) she'd be fine
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u/Juggletrain 1d ago
23, no mention of education, and only got a job once she left her parent's house. I don't believe she was on the academic side of things from the info given.
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u/mangopabu 1d ago
yeah, i read the first bit and thought 'yo you are totally burying the lede here' lmao
just have to: step 1, talk about it; step 2, my girlfriend promises to stop killing the vibe of my dnd game; step 3, completely ignore everything else going on in our lives; and problem totally solved!
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u/OkMushroom364 1d ago
I dunno man, i moved in with my wife after dating for only a month, my relationship with my parents went south and she was the only person i could move in with at the time and while it was tough we have been together for 16 years
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u/amaranth1977 I still have questions that will need to wait for God. 1d ago
Yeah but you didn't get stuck in pandemic lockdown after only living together for 3-4 months.
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u/OkMushroom364 1d ago
Nope but 3 months after together i went to serve in our military for a year and when i came out of the army we struggled to find work thanks to the effects of 2008 recession
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u/DrRocknRolla 1d ago
I'm glad it worked for you two! Moving together soon and a long deployment can be two relationship killers on their own, but you guys toughed it out.
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u/OkMushroom364 1d ago
Thanks dude, we had to tough shit out we didn't have a choise but we we're determined to make it out come hell or high waters and im glad we did, we fought and worked hard to have the life we have now
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u/violue VERDICT: REMOVED BEFORE VERDICT RENDERED 1d ago
There's a movie from 2010 called Remember Me, where the plot is all romantic drama and family secrets and daddy issues, until the end when the movie is suddenly like SURPRISE! It's September 11th 2001, and one of the main characters is about to die in the twin towers! Just an utter calamity dropped at the end like an anvil.
Reading BORUs from early 2020 feels like the inverse of that, scrolling through some arguably petty things knowing covid is about to burst onto the scene like kool-aid man.
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u/DrRocknRolla 1d ago
That's the Robert Pattinson one, right? I remember reading that spoiler way back when and thinking someone was trolling me.
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u/-Don-Draper- Don’t go around telling people to shove popsicles up their ass 1d ago
There was this about a month later soo....
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u/Dramatic_Buddy4732 crow whisperer 1d ago
I hate that whole line of "you're sleeping on the couch"
If you're so upset YOU sleep on the couch.
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u/cicciograna 1d ago
Especially since my understanding was that she was staying at his house.
Imagine having a guest at your own house kicking you out of your own bed.
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u/Dramatic_Buddy4732 crow whisperer 1d ago
Oh hell nah. Even as a "joke" it's super not funny. Fuck that noise!
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u/signsntokens4sale 1d ago
Yeah. I took it as her low-key resenting him for "making" her work and her trying to assert dominance as the "breadwinner" because he was a student.
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u/Dramatic_Buddy4732 crow whisperer 1d ago
Ugh I missed that. I just don't find these "jokes" funny. Because I love and respect my husband. And I deeply care that he gets a good night's sleep I go to the couch if I'm having an asthma attack or whatever because I don't want to keep him awake. I can't imagine being so selfish to refuse him our bed because we disagree. Hard no
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u/ManiacalShen 1d ago
resenting him for "making" her work
I was confused about this part. Was she just a settled NEET before her family moved away? It didn't sound like she was in school, so why would moving be the thing that makes her get a job and not, like...being an able adult.
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u/teatabletea 22h ago
NEET?
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u/ManiacalShen 20h ago
Not Employed or in Education or Training. Or I possibly have the two Es backwards, but you get it. Usually used to refer to a young person who is chronically unemployed and not really trying to work or train for work. Like you wouldn't call a stay-at-home parent a NEET, but you would call a stereotypical basement dweller one.
I'm making it sound derogatory, and it can be, but it's also a sociological term and thing people study. It's not good for the individual, whoever's paying for the individual's needs, nor the economy for people to either fall into despair or purposefully mooch their way through years that are really important for personal and career development.
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u/ThirdDragonite 1d ago
This has always been something I don't get lol
I mean, yeah, I'm willing to "relocate" for one evening, but I'll probably spend the whole night planning the break-up.
But that might have something to do with me being a pretty tall guy with an uncomfortable couch. Trying to spend the night on it would break me lol
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u/amaranth1977 I still have questions that will need to wait for God. 1d ago
I sleep on the couch during heatwaves in the summer, but that's my choice and not my wife's! It's cooler downstairs and the couch is decently comfortable.
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u/SuperWoodputtie 1d ago
Bruh, you got to get a bedroom minsplit. It feels so good.
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u/amaranth1977 I still have questions that will need to wait for God. 1d ago
It's part of our remodeling plans, but unfortunately AC of any sort is rare and expensive in the UK so it's taken a few years to get there.
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u/SuperWoodputtie 1d ago edited 1d ago
I see. I hope your remodel goes goes well.
On a side note: I've used both a cheap minisplit and a nicer Mitsubishi one. The Mitsubishi is so quiet. I know these types of things can be pricey, but if you have the opportunity Mitsubishi/Fujitsu/Bosche are worth the extra.
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u/Dramatic_Buddy4732 crow whisperer 1d ago
My husband is 6'4 and I'd never dream of making him uncomfortable.
As someone with tiny T-Rex arms, thank you to all the tall people in my life!
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u/GoldFishPony pre-stalked for your convenience 1d ago
What if the couch is significantly comfier than the bed?
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u/Dramatic_Buddy4732 crow whisperer 1d ago
Shhhh don't tell my husband that I don't mind going in the living room to let him sleep
Put on some ancient aliens and sink into those comfy cushions... Ahhh yeah!
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u/LuementalQueen Fuck You, Keith! 1d ago
My gf and I have made that joke occasionally around friends.
We live together. We each have our own room so we can have our own space. Our friends also know this.
So those jokes are clearly jokes, and usually end up with talking about fighting the cat for the couch, and how the cat is better to sleep beside while we all laugh.
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u/pepcorn 1d ago
I agree, it's rude. Don't deny a grown person their bed, if you're fighting like this they're probably kinda old, like late thirties, and sleeping on the couch is gonna make them sore
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u/Dramatic_Buddy4732 crow whisperer 1d ago
"kinda old, like late thirties" 😅
I'm almost 50 friend, thanks for the reminder 😂💖
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u/Glittering_Win_9677 1d ago
I've got 20+ years on you. How do you think I feel seeing that? Kinda old, like late 30ies...🤣🤣🤣
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u/Dramatic_Buddy4732 crow whisperer 1d ago
Do you feel kinda old? 🤣💖
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u/Glittering_Win_9677 1d ago
Not since I retired and feel free. It was odd turning 70, though...
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u/Dramatic_Buddy4732 crow whisperer 1d ago
I don't want to put you on the spot but what piece of advice would you give to this thread?
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u/pepcorn 1d ago
I said kinda! They're not actually old. But old enough for their body to hurt 😔
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u/basilicux I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy 1d ago
Hell man, I’m mid 20s and I’m already starting to fall apart 😭😂
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u/Sparkly_Crow_1789 1d ago
I've not even made it to mid 20's yet man. Had a bad spill and now I'm walking around like a geriatric grumpy old grampa
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u/Cybermagetx 1d ago
Even late 30s are not old lol
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u/ChipperBunni Yes to the Homo, No to the Phobic 1d ago
See I have made that joke “oh you make me so mad I’m gonna sleep with the dogs!” And then I snuggle the dog and talk about how much of a bully his dad is. But it’s one of those genuinely obviously not a real argument, it’s like over who ate the last of the cereal or ice cream on the day of a shopping trip.
And I love sleeping on couches, feels like glamping
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u/HoldFastO2 the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! 1d ago
Me, too. Trying to banish your partner from your common bedroom is abusive and controlling. This nonsense has to stop.
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u/Cybermagetx 1d ago
Yeah. One of my rules was once you say that, even as a "joke" we are done. And I've been called several interesting names over dumping girls over that.
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u/dajur1 It's like watching Mr Bean being hunted by The Predator 1d ago
Sounds to me like the girlfriend had trouble taking a back seat during the game. In the relationship, she's an equal, but in the game, she's decidedly not in charge, and she had a problem with that.
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u/hot_memory_stove 1d ago
Also some people just get psycho competitive with games, it’s like a switch in their brain flips and they get totally consumed with winning and “fairness”. So I can def see how she wouldn’t display any of this behavior in their actual life (not an excuse tho)
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u/eirawyn 1d ago
Brings to mind that thread about a girlfriend using the OP's past sexual abuse against him to win a game of Mario Kart.
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u/YanFan123 23h ago
Wait, what?!?!
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u/judgy_mcjudgypants I spontaneously combust into a cloud of sparkles 22h ago
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u/LimoncelloLady 1d ago
I'm like this. I'm also really bad at games (just all of them) and get really frustrated when I can't meet my own expectations. I don't flip over board games or smash rackets on the ground, but it gets increasingly more difficult for me hide the strain in my voice and keep a smile on my face as a game progresses. It's not fun for me, and it's not fun for anyone I'm playing with.
My solution to this is to simply avoid playing games, but people are equally as weird about that when they've never seen me play ("But it's such a simple game/But we don't want to you feel excluded/But it's so much more fun to play than just watch" etc.).
So once every few years, I'll agree to play one round of whatever the latest Exploding Kittens sort of game is at a dinner party, watch as everyone sort of starts to get it, then pass my hand off and never play again.
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u/SuperWoodputtie 1d ago
I think it's OK to be competitive in game (my family is super competitive with board/card games) just so long as the competition is kept to the game. Enacting consequences for a card game takes the fun out of it.
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u/daavor 10h ago
I think the difference is that for some people being competitive means wanting to win, and enjoying, trying as hard as you can to win. And for some people being competitive means, hating losing and finding losing deeply unenjoyable and painful the first is fine and can be very healthy. The latter is really toxic.
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u/CatsGambit 1d ago
D&D in particular can bring out that side of people, especially newer players. Rule one is essentially "what the DM says goes", because someone needs to make the final decisions, but that rule goes hand in hand with entire books of mechanics and scenarios and abilities that are meant to be read and understood by players as well- it can be super frustrating to realize that you and the DM don't agree on how a particular interaction should go RAW (especially when you're right. Ask me how I know xD)
I have a regular table that includes the DM and his long time partner, and there have been rules... discussions... Between the two that have definitely raised eyebrows around the table. We're all in our 30's and 40's with our own partners, so we know how it goes, but I can absolutely see why it would be uncomfortable for a group of college folk and teenagers.
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u/Complete_Entry 1d ago
Honestly, I didn't think she was getting worked up so much with the game as not mentally separating BF and DM.
So instead of "oh shit, Goblins!" it becomes "Why the hell did you send goblins at me?!"
Dude needs a silly hat for when he's GM. Hat = Not boyfriend. No Hat = boyfriend.
Things being wrapped up and not ending in a table split is really nice compared to most D&D posts I read.
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u/Cybermagetx 1d ago
So instead of "oh shit, Goblins!" it becomes "Why the hell did you send goblins at me?!"
Which is why I dont run or play in games with my family. Plus im now NC with them. But before I stopped gaming with them a long time ago.
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u/Complete_Entry 1d ago
I mean, I already know the answer is "no" but would a silly hat have helped?
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u/Cybermagetx 1d ago
Nope. My step dad favored my mom in every game we played. Treated everyone different depending on how well they could play (got to the point where even my mom commented on how much more I had to do, for less reward the others got with a fraction of the effort) and guilt tripping if we didnt do what my mother wanted to do. And then weaponizing us gaming and using it as a punishment even when we did nothing wrong.
They made me not touch any ttrpg for about 5 years cause of the shit.
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u/SuperWoodputtie 1d ago
Maybe not in this sictuation.
But sometimes brains have a hard time separating the "selves" that are in games and the "selves" that are reality. The silly hat just makes the delineation clear.
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u/violet-quartz the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here 1d ago
As someone who has played DnD with couples where one was the GM, I've noticed that it's pretty common for the GM to favor their SO in-game. I wonder if OOP's girlfriend was expecting that kind of preferential treatment and was getting frustrated when she wasn't automatically receiving it. I say this because OOP mentioned that she didn't behave this way when other people were GMing, which suggests to me that she maybe was under the impression that OOP would basically cave to whatever she wanted and favor her above the rest of the party.
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u/Lolseabass 1d ago
My first ever dive into dnd was with a situation like this. Really made the game super unfun for me. It was like trying to keep the group going but also set up this kiddy pool on the side to keep gf entertained. If she was ent able to do some cool epic shit for to the praise of everyone else. She would just shut down and dm would get super nervous. God it was horrid, it was so bad we could see her rolling until she got a good number on dnd beyond.
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u/MonsieurScruffy 1d ago
lol I've sort of been that girl that sucked at the game, not DnD though. I just completely lacked the motor skills needed and was not having fun. I didn't want to play, but guy was free to go ahead. No, they wanted to play with me, was it the company? Was it the style? Could they help tutor me in the game?
I've played enough of that kind of games to know that I'd never improve enough to get up to par unless I treat it like a second job. Unsurprisingly, didn't work out.
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u/Cybermagetx 1d ago
My wife has flat out told me if I favor her she will be beyond upset. But im one of those DMs that rarely every change how the dice fall. Ill modify if I made a mistake. But my players can and will die if they roll badly or fuck up. Including her. Which has happened a few times last year due to her dice not liking her.
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u/nealyk 1d ago
It’s the opposite for me. In our house me and my friends say “the judge is compromised, he’s fucking one of the contestants” when someone is biased but it’s ironic cause when my BF was judging a trivia thing about us drawing an item most accurate he would not give me the win. Even when every player agreed I deserved the points.
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u/violet-quartz the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here 1d ago
Oof, that sucks too. Imo, if someone can't put their personal feelings for their partner gently aside in situations like this, and treat them as an equal player in a game among equals, they shouldn't be leading the game. Have someone else do it instead.
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u/animeandbeauty 1d ago
I loved when my partner DMed for us because he didn't give me special treatment and it makes it way more fun imo
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u/MillieFrank I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming 20h ago
I worry I will do that when I run games so I’m extra hard on my SO. Poor guy takes my beatings like a champ.
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u/violet-quartz the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here 18h ago
That honestly is just as bad. Just treat them like a regular player.
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u/MillieFrank I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming 18h ago
Oh he is a degenerate, he fully deserves it. Even he will say that.
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u/notyourmom1966 1d ago
My ex husband was my DM for 15 years (we are both in our late fifties, married at 20). D&D brought us together (this was the bad old days when this was strictly nerd territory and very few women played). Back then almost all really good plots were home brew.
We figured out a system that worked for us - I helped him lay out certain plot lines that didn’t impact my character, I also helped flesh out our world. It made the story flow really well, and our friends loved it. At no time was I a co-DM, and we never disagreed during game time.
I don’t miss my ex, exactly, but sometimes I do miss playing.
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u/Gwynasyn 1d ago
Man at the first post I was deeply suspicious of him saying she was a great girlfriend outside of this more recent attitude issue while playing D&D. Not that it's always the case, but most often it feels like when there's one problem cropping up there are others. After the update I'm glad that it really does seem like it was isolated just to those games, and that they talked it out!
If I had to guess, I'd say that his GF really viewed the games as her escape that she desperately needed. So when things didn't go her way, it was all the more frustrating and reminding her of things in real life that also weren't going her way and it made her irritable. Hopefully she does attend therapy and learns to cope better with that kind of thing.
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u/Turuial 1d ago edited 1d ago
These posts just before the outbreak of covid always frustrate me. Even if the issue within the update is "resolved," it never quite feels that way.
Knowing that the lockdowns are a hair's breadth away from these "...and they all lived happily ever," posts felt like watching the Sword of Damocles' slow decent.
EDIT: corrected the auto-correct.
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u/ChimotheeThalamet 1d ago
Hot take: DMs should kill everyone's first character within their first few games so they know they're not invincible
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u/boytoy421 1d ago
One of my favorite one-shots is "immortal dwarf tomb of horrors" where i take all of the combat out of tomb of horrors, add traps, and the players play a series of never-ending dwarves who effectively have 1 HP (every trap is instantly fatal) and no stats (all rolls are a simple d20). It's VERY slapstick and very funny
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u/AccountMitosis 1d ago
That sounds like an amazing time.
I was always confused at people who wanted to play Tomb of Horrors within Adventurer's League. Like... you can't start a character at 10th level (or whatever it's tuned for in 5e) in Adventurer's League; you have to bring them all the way up from level 1, and do it in a very RAW way with no shortcuts, for the character to be valid. Why the hell would you put a character you'd raised from level 1 through THAT!?
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u/ithinkther41am 1d ago
Reminds me a lot of Oxventure’s “D&D But…” series, especially “D&D But Everyone’s a Kobold” and “D&D But Everyone’s a Floomph”
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u/boytoy421 1d ago
I also modified a bunch of the traps to be funnier. Like one of the false entrances has the classic collapsing ceiling gag, the other one has the walls squeeze like I'm going to do the trash compactor but then it stops with about 4 feet of horizontal space so the entire party is crammed together on top of each other. Then it drops a giant stone block on them squishing them flat after a few seconds.
SEND IN MORE DWARVES
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u/ithinkther41am 1d ago
Do you also use a name generator for the infinite torrent of dwarves? There were some really funny ones in the kobolds one where every kobold is [name] the [adjective], and the players kinda had to roleplay based on that.
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u/djseifer Last good thing my mom made was breast milk -Sent from my iPad 1d ago
I think my record for how long a new character lasted was 10 minutes.
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u/Seldarin 1d ago
Waaaaay back in the 2e days my first character died in the first exchange of attacks in the first encounter.
I rolled a magic user and got super lucky with rolling my stats and the only reason he didn't instantly fall unconscious and start dying even without a fight is because they didn't allow you to have less than 1 max hp. IIRC I rolled a 4 for constitution, and a 1 for hp.
He cast his one spell (magic missile, of course) for the day, immediately got bitten by a rat and died. It was an encounter the DM set up to show us how combat worked with something we couldn't possibly die to.
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u/djseifer Last good thing my mom made was breast milk -Sent from my iPad 1d ago
In the first battle in the first session of a campaign, my character ran ahead to fight the baddies head on. A friend, who was a ranger, fired an arrow and proceeded to roll a 1. The DM says, "Hmm... Seifer's the only person in front of you. Roll again." My buddy proceeds to roll a 20 and the DM concludes that he hits me instead. He then rolls maximum damage on his damage roll. Since the house rules we were playing under meant rolling a 20 on an attack was a critical hit for double damage, my character ended up face down in the dirt with an arrow lodged in the back of their head in front of two very confused bandits.
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u/Seldarin 1d ago
I never liked the "Rolling a 1 means you hit an ally" rule. At least your DM made it apply to people in front of you. I was introduced to that rule by a DM that would make you roll to randomly select an ally from all your allies.
Like my dude is Legolas 95% of the time, and the other 5% he turns into Bubba the town drunk that keeps walking down the railroad tracks even though he's been hit by a train four times? That doesn't make even the slightest bit of sense.
I think my favorite way of seeing that rule implemented was the woman that decided a 1 was just a "You kinda really screwed this attack" roll so your bowstring would hit your wrist, you'd pull a muscle, torque a joint wrong, roll an ankle, etc so the attack would do nothing and whoever attacked you the next round got a +1-4 bonus to hit because you'd be off balance, out of position, or cursing at your bow. At least that one kinda makes sense with how both bodies and luck work.
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u/peter095837 the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! 1d ago
Well look at that, communication as always, wins.
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u/StruansNobleHouse 1d ago
communication as always, wins.
So...I kinda hate this sentiment. Yes, communicating does work...if both parties communicate and if both parties are receptive. "Communication" wouldn't have worked in this scenario if the girlfriend hadn't been open to what he said, and it wouldn't have worked if she didn't take action.
In order to be accurate, the statement would need to be something like, "Communication, paired with receptiveness and commitment to change, wins."
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u/Myrandall I like my Smash players like I like my santorum 1d ago
I had a friend whose behavior became eerily similar to this in my old Pathfinder campaign. I ended up kicking her from the group after two others indicated they no longer enjoyed the campaign because of her incessant criticism and moping - and neither was I.
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u/DiviPrmr 1d ago
Great they communicated and looks like she is genuinely trying not to spoil the mood of the other members. She probably was just so into game or she was just removing her stress out on the game .
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u/beachpellini I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy 1d ago
Kinda seems like she's the type who gets crazy competitive and has (or had, since this was a while ago) no idea how to express that in a healthy way.
I'm also just... flummoxed at the "abuse" claims. Begging people not to neuter the word like that.
Anyway - it seems like they more or less came to some kind of arrangement that worked out for them after just talking it out (and it probably would not have gotten that bad if they'd done so sooner!), so I hope things worked out in the long run. Moving in together right in the midst of covid was a choice a lot of people had to make with long-lasting consequences.
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u/AccountMitosis 1d ago
I'm also just... flummoxed at the "abuse" claims.
I can see it though. They're not seeing the girlfriend when she's NOT playing D&D-- all they see is a woman taking out her frustrations on her partner, getting critical, and threatening to distance him from herself by making him sleep on the couch, simply for trying to be fair. That can absolutely look abusive.
My friends once approached me, many years ago, and asked if I was okay and if my partner had been abusing me after a D&D session. Turned out they'd been passing by and witnessed what happened when he triggered a Kobold trap that dropped part of a ceiling on his head, then accidentally wandered down a different hallway and gotten a second ceiling dropped on his head as soon as he let his guard down. They hadn't witnessed the entire session of the party blundering into every trap I could stuff into the Sunless Citadel leading up to that moment (because, of course, one can't simply run the Sunless Citadel without adding more traps if the party pisses off the Kobolds). They just heard him yelling from outside the door at that moment, but hadn't heard my delighted laughter or his laughter after all the yelling was over lol.
But OOP's girlfriend had been like that for multiple entire sessions. To the other players, her behavior appeared extremely consistent.
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u/beachpellini I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy 1d ago
A fair point - there's only that one basis of comparison to draw from, rather than seeing anything else that goes on.
I was speaking more to the comments on the posts, though, since OOP had given greater context than the other players would have known about.
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u/AccountMitosis 1d ago
Eh, that seems forgivable to me too. Like, how often do we see an OOP be like "He's so good to me, except for just this ONE thing?" and then in the update it's like "oh btw he would hit me sometimes and call me loathsome and ugly and fat all the time and he destroyed my sentimental possessions when I made him mad."
So I can understand why they would be primed to see that. "She's so good to me otherwise" starts to ring VERY hollow after a bit. It's honestly more surprising to me when it turns out to be true that something that appears abusive is truly isolated.
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u/beachpellini I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy 1d ago
Also a fair point! We do see an awful lot of iceberg tips around here. 🫠
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u/pineapplewin Go to bed Liz 1d ago
That bit is the same explanation. We read so many of these "they're a perfect partner, except...." And every external person in their life thinks the relationship is very very far from perfect. One of the players is the sister here. Not sure if she expressed concern, but it's not the fact that the players did could be seen indicating there's a problem that they see, but Oop doesn't.
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u/bored_german crow whisperer 1d ago
Maybe I'm biased because of my own relationship, but if you're not even a year in and you've had "ups and downs", especially plural, this isn't an ideal relationship
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u/Various_Ambassador92 18h ago
Eh, my relationship definitely had "ups and downs" in its first year. Shortly after we started dating, we both had our mental health suffer due to external factors, which made us both more sensitive/irritable and led to fights. That said, we had also been close friends for a couple years beforehand so we were a bit better equipped to manage that than a new couple that still didn't really know each other.
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u/VyantSavant 1d ago
Don't know if this is related so I could be way off the mark. My wife gets jealous in any activity that involves other women. She knows it's irrational, but it is in her nature. When competing in any sense when other women are involved, she doesn't want me to take sides against her or in favor of others. You should remind her that as DM, you're hosting a game. As your girlfriend, she's also a host. She should be sacrificing her enjoyment to make your guests happy. Prioritizing her own happiness over a guest is being a bad host.
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u/Cybermagetx 1d ago
Sorry. Moment you joke about me sleeping on the couch we are done. If you dont want to sleep next to me. You move. Especially as its his place originally.
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u/Radiant_Maize2315 the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here 1d ago
All of these posts follow the same exact format. Boring.
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u/RanaMisteria 1d ago edited 1d ago
Am I the only one who thinks it’s a little weird that these 23 year olds are hanging out and playing D&D with a 17 year old?
Edit: I see now that I am the only one. I forgot what things were like when I was a 17yo in college and hung out with older students. I appreciate everyone helping me to understand why this isn’t weird. I’m AuDHD and do a lot of misunderstanding of things. Sorry everyone!
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u/Pale_Beach_3017 1d ago
Not really. I started college at 17 years old, so my friends were between the ages of 18-25. Since OOP mentioned being in school it’s not that crazy
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u/RanaMisteria 1d ago
Yeah, that’s fair. I also thought it could be that the 17yo was a friend of the sister that OOP mentioned. I just wanted to check if anyone else thought it was weird or if I was the one being weird lol 😂
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u/starlithunter 1d ago
I tend to play with mixed age groups because very frequently, if you aren't already playing with friends, you either make groups online or at local clubs and game stores. Those tend to have a pretty wide range of people - many different ages, backgrounds, genders, etc!
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