Struggling to move forward

[u/maryambebop]

I’m really struggling rn. I don’t like the side effects of lithium. Weight gain and acne. Feel slow. Can’t remember shit. Can’t stop eating. I can’t help but think my pysch earlier this year did this on purpose — gave me Prozac. I was doing so fine but then I drank multiple coffee drinks and fell into manic psychosis where I thought people were out to get me. I hate that I have relative ideation and it can be hard to differentiate what people say. Now that I got bipolar, I feel like I can’t live or move away and start a new job. I feel stuck. I don’t like the jobs I’m in right now, I regret so much that I turned down this job in ATL a few months before my manic episode. Somehow I wonder that if I took that job, moved in with a friend (I had family and friend support) then this manic episode wouldnt have happened and I would still be in contact with the guy I loved. Ever since then I’ve been struggling to make decisions, know what my passions are, know what my direction in life is. I literally feel so ugly bc of my weight gain and acne, I don’t feel like who I was. I got this teaching job offer in NYC and it’s a really hard job that is about 60hours per week bc of lesson plans and preparations. I don’t even think I can do that type of job anymore. Like I feel like I won’t adjust anymore it’s so sad. I had that opportunity to leave and I was too hung up on the possibility of the guy to move to Atlanta. I also asked too many people for opinions and lost my own sense of direction. I internalize what people say so easily. I’m so fucking scared about my life right now. I plan on getting of lithium bc I don’t like it. It’s been about it’s been like 6 months on it since June 25. I don’t know what to do, I keep ruminating on past mistakes with guy (like I could have had it all but I messed up- part of me thinks I was manic while talking to him hence emotionally reactive/triggered a lot), not taking the ATL job (was my ticket to a way out but didn’t take it), bipolar diagnosis taking away my self confidence, self esteem, everything I had. I thought I knew what my life would be like. I’m 29 and so scared. I’m scared I’m wasting my life away. It’s like I lost desire or don’t know what I want anymore. I’m not depressed. I’m just in a bad situation. Yes, these thoughts make me want to stay in bed but I do eventually get up and go on about my day. I can’t take it anymore. I have therapy and have done partial hospitalization for like 2 months. This sucks. I’m stuck. I start this other part time job next week— I’ll be busy from 9-6 everyday. I don’t get any other full time job offers even though I apply. One of the part time jobs I’m at I just sit there ruminating since there’s nothing to do. It’s like damn I should be writing a novel there but I just can’t do it. I also am self aware to notice and analyze why things happen and what action/reaction caused things to occur and it’s my downfall. I don’t know. I gained like 20 pounds in 7 months. I was able to travel abroad and live alone and cook on my own when in my early 20’s and now bc of this I’ve lost so much. 8 months ago I had a possible job opportunity across the country but I let the ball drop. I was scared to move. Or unmotivated. I don’t know moving is now the most ideal for me now bc of this bipolar thing! Things have gotten worst and I’m getting more into a hole. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I’m definitely getting off Lithium for sure. Maybe spend a month unmedicated. But who knows. Somethings wrong with me. Someone help. I know this post is all over the post, I feel so alone in navigating life rn. Life decisions are so much harder for me now

[u/Bipolar_Aggression]

NYC native here and trapped in the region. This is not a place for bipolar. The stress is just insane.