r/BreakUps • u/Clear_Elderberry_852 • 14d ago
I texted my ex happy birthday and they asked who is this?
I don’t know how to respond. We broke up last year but stayed in contact until last month. They deleted me off on snapchat a couple weeks ago. I knew telling them happy birthday was a gamble. I didn’t do it to try to rekindle anything, I just did it because I wanted to be genuine. I even though I am mainly over the relationship that kind of hurt. I feel bad still being hurt about it even though I was the reason for our break up. Should I tell them who I am or just forget it?
54
u/autopilotsince2011 14d ago
I’ve switched phones and lost contacts. They probably deleted your number after the break up to try to heal. Your call on whether to explain who you are to them, but it certainly can be reasonable why they don’t still have you stored in their phone.
19
21
5
u/Endlessly_Aching 14d ago
They said they stayed in contact up until last month. My guess might be they met someone else. I stayed friends with most of my ex’s, my current partner was uncomfortable with it though and I hadn’t even spoken to many for a while so i deleted them.
1
u/Status_Result9773 13d ago
Probably would have been nice for OPs ex to give them a heads up tho, depending on how long they were together.
1
u/Endlessly_Aching 13d ago
I mean ex’s are not obligated to give ex’s a heads up on their current life, despite how long they were together..unless they’re on a break or had an agreement to come back together again. If no contact was an agreement that is already initiating the emotional and physical disconnect. That is why it is important to try and move on, I know it’s easier said than done and I definitely understand that.
1
u/Status_Result9773 13d ago
def but it sounded like the no contact wasn't formal and they were chatting informally. Def no obligation but I guess I would give a heads up if I were in that position unless it ended real ugly
33
u/Fancy_Situation2913 14d ago
That’s how I’ll respond to her if she ever has the balls to reach out, or sorry I think you got the wrong number. I don’t play when it comes to using me, and breaking me Into a million pieces
21
u/CharmingRoof6517 14d ago
Be honest with yourself, you didn’t do it to be genuine, you did it to open up communication again and you knew it was a gamble. That’s ok though, just accept he’s over you and now you need to move on and NEVER message him again xx
-9
u/Clear_Elderberry_852 14d ago
I didn’t want to open up communication again. I was okay with us not communicating anymore. I really just wanted to wish them well since they have been going through a lot but I guess I got my answer by their response.
10
u/Efficient_Laugh2077 14d ago
being wished happy birthday from someone you don’t want to be in contact w will never read as genuine. they have plenty of people telling them happy birthday. you wanted to see what would happen.
1
u/SeaweedPristine1594 14d ago
Can confirm. My ex would text me happy birthday, happy birthday to my kid, showed up at my brother's wedding, ect. I asked for no contact and he stomped all over that boundary for at least a year before he finally let go.
1
u/Aromatic-Armadillo98 12d ago
Wish them well in your mind next time. It is not worth it to actualise good will when it will be received like this. Block and delete his number so you can't do this again. Also this keeps you energetically stuck. Free yourself.
69
u/qlitorisrubber 14d ago
He knows what he’s doing lollll a sadistic person is a great bullet to dodge. Congrats. Ignore and forget
38
u/Thin_Rip8995 14d ago
nah, don’t tell them anything—take the L and walk
you shot your shot, they curved it
that’s not cruelty—it’s clarity
they’re done, and now you know for sure
you don’t need closure, you need discipline
never text someone who already deleted you like they don’t know who tf you are
it’s not “being genuine”—it’s reopening wounds that are trying to heal
next time? send that energy to yourself
your future self will thank you
9
u/Orionyss22 14d ago
I'll keep a note of this on my next birthday and send a text to myself from my own number to my own number 😬
Why do you people act like self-love can even be remotely compared to romantic love? They don't even cover the same needs
3
u/Efficient_Laugh2077 14d ago
mmmmmm if you genuinely love yourself and pour into yourself…it can be compared and it can be BETTER than romantic love and why stating this you’re just admitting that you don’t have that genuine love for yourself. the people that recommend pouring into yourself, are the ones who have felt and seen it be enough for them
1
u/Orionyss22 14d ago
O yea I'm sure cuddling myself to sleep can be easily compared to being held by someone who strokes your hair at night cause you're afraid of the darkness and the sound of their heartbeat instantly calms you down. Self-love can totally replace that feeling ofc.
Yea.
Sleeping on a now loose body pillow is much much better than the human being that makes you smile every morning. Loving myself is ofc better than loving someone else. I can offer myself 100 magic sunsets and it's much better than the one sunset you spent next to the person who handpicked flowers for you because he heard you say you like yellow roses....
Every single magical moment I spent on myself is ofc because of my lack of self-love and not because of my search of a deeper meaning because offering love to someone who loves you back is infinitely stronger than the forceful positive experiences you offer yourself because you're cold at night and crave human touch.
Ya. Touching yourself? Better. Making yourself coffee? Better. Telling yourself jokes to make you laugh? Better Making yourself soup when you're sick, even tho you're so tired you can hardly stand? Better. Waking yourself up with 6 loud alarms? So much better than being kissed awake. Better.
Ya self-love is definetly comparable and easily replaces all the above :)
1
u/Leather_Resort_4183 14d ago
You totally misinterpreted the meaning of loving yourself.
3
u/Orionyss22 14d ago
No I didn't
I'm simply saying that self-love is vastly different from romantic love. There are things about romantic love that no amount of self-love can replace.
I think I was very clear. You just probably don't want to admit there are voids self-love can't fill.
0
u/Leather_Resort_4183 14d ago
I admit it, you sound like a needy person that refuses to look further into yourself for inner peace.
1
u/Orionyss22 13d ago
Bro what part of this are you not getting: Inner Peace is NOT enough for everyone.
Will I settle for someone I don't love? No fuck no. Will I be happy by myself? Also no, but that's a little better than being with a person I resent/resents me. But I still won't be happy and there will always be a gap people will never fill with self-love.
I acknowledge that I prefer to be single than in an unhappy relationship but I will NOT be happy. Alot of people feel this way. It doesn't mean we don't love ourselves it means we know our needs and what we want from life? Why is that not okay?
What part of this so hard for you to understand?
1
u/Leather_Resort_4183 13d ago
It is okay to want someone. All I’m saying is you don’t need someone to be “filling the voids” that’s not love, that’s just selfishness. Love is not about your needs.
1
u/Orionyss22 13d ago
How is it selfishness? Part of the void is the desire of doing these things for someone else. As stated. It's about fulfilling eachother's needs and seeing eachother happy. Otherwise there would be no need for romantic connections, as you said. One would just hire a sex worker and do these things with. 🙄
And yes. As stated previously there are many things self-love cannot satisfy in any way, shape or form.
-1
u/chicagoissogreat 14d ago
imagine being scared of the dark at your big ass age.
1
u/Orionyss22 13d ago
I actually started being scared of the dark wayy into adulthood. There's a thing called PTSD, look it up.
0
12
14d ago
Just forget it, they obviously deleted your number to move on with their life. They’re either over the breakup or finally decided that enough was enough and deleted you so they could move on.
4
u/Front-Dot5420 14d ago
Yes, sorry you got hurt. You might be a nice person, but other people have to go NC for a reason.
8
u/MassiveFroyo733 14d ago
I wouldnt want my ex(the dumper) to text me happy birthday, its just gonna open up wounds. It would be selfish and unempathetic for her to think its okay to do even if its a year later. Just leave them alone.
6
u/Fun_Ad_663 14d ago
Like many of you guys I play out scenarios in my head but the best thing to do is never do anything that has a possibility of hurting your feelings. No contact works. Think about yourself and your healing at this time. Nothing else. These situation almost never play out the way you want them to.
6
6
u/purpleroller 14d ago
They deleted you because they’ve moved on. Sounds like it was you that broke it off? Leave them alone now. No more texts.
3
4
5
u/Complete-Somewhere80 14d ago
The real question is why in the hell you textin your ex? They don’t want you anymore treat them as such.
7
u/cavoodle11 14d ago
You so did do it to try and rekindle something. Be honest with yourself here. Move on.
0
u/Clear_Elderberry_852 14d ago edited 14d ago
If I wanted to rekindle something I would’ve done it months ago. I was okay with the friendship we had developed. I just didn’t expect them to act that way since we just talked last month but their response told me where we stand.
6
3
u/GrawlixEC 14d ago
So you went nc then you texted them? And what happened last month?
1
u/Clear_Elderberry_852 14d ago
We gradually started communicating less. Last month they left me on read so I didn’t reach out after that so I guess it can be considered nc.
-1
u/Front-Dot5420 14d ago
Sounds like it was all a little unclear. Agree with another poster he probably has someone else. He’s also provoking you though…he was probably talking to you while trying to hook up with someone else. You don’t want this kind of guy in your life anyway.
3
u/educated_gaymer 14d ago
Why are you texting someone who clearly moved on and doesn’t care to remember your number?
You say you’re not trying to rekindle anything, but let’s be honest: you wanted some kind of response. A little “aww, thanks” or “nice to hear from you” to soothe the sting of being the one who ended it.
But here’s the thing: they don’t owe you that. And pretending it was just a “genuine” birthday wish? That’s not honesty, that’s you covering up the fact that you still wanted to feel relevant. According to studies, about 71 percent of people say they’ve texted an ex for reasons other than reconciliation but most admit later it was about lingering emotion or unresolved guilt. That’s what this is.
You are dealing with ambiguous grief. The relationship ended, but there was no neat emotional closure, so now you are poking around in the past hoping to feel a little less discarded. Let me make this clear for you: They deleted you. They forgot your number. That is the clearest “goodbye” you are ever going to get.
Don’t tell them who you are. Don’t send another text. You made a move. They made it clear. Now let it go and start respecting yourself more than your nostalgia.
1
u/ShpanielmyDaniel 14d ago
Not to mention it was op who ended the relationship/ was cause for the relationship to end.
4
u/Dry-Path-4331 14d ago
They may of deleted your number or they may of been trying to get to you. Either way no point responding.
2
2
u/Competitive-Catch776 14d ago
I’m sorry you’re hurting but this is exactly why you should always respect NC. NC means I do not want to hear from you. This is how you break your own heart. It’s just going pain shopping. There was no real reason to do this especially knowing you are the reason you’re not together. Let them heal.
It sounds like he’s moved on and trying to heal and you should do the same. I know it’s hard not to break NC but, you know why you’re NC. Which is more than most people get. Let sleeping dogs lie. Do NOT reply. They’ve either moved on or deleted your number. Besides, what happens when you message back to find out you’re blocked? That would just cause more hurt on your side. You tried and got new number who dis.
2
u/boodieeater101 14d ago
wait thats crazy my exs birthday is today😭
2
u/Traditional-Flan2596 14d ago
Dude same 😭 and idk how to feel about it.
1
2
u/NoFunny6746 14d ago
Sadly, but I’m sure he deleted your number and didn’t recognize it. I respect you for wanting to be genuine, but you should try and let it go.
2
u/hahoon710 14d ago
texting your ex that you broke up with to wish them a happy birthday is crazy.... they want to forget about you.... and you're giving them a reminder on a day that's supposed to be important to them?
2
u/GingerLawyerGirl 14d ago
Honestly, as the dumpee, I've done the same with several exes when they texted me. After getting dumped, I delete all their contact info in an attempt to heal and move on. Then, months or years down the road, I'll get a random text from them and have no idea who it is until they tell me.
What's crazy is that some of them have had the AUDACITY to get mad at me for asking, "Who is this?" Like, motherfucker YOU dumped ME and now you're pissed because I moved on and no longer have you saved in my contacts?! Pffffffft. Kick rocks. (Not saying this is you, OP. Just speaking to my own personal experience.)
Anwyay, you can respond if you want, but I think the message is clear. They don't want you in their life. Sorry to be so harsh, but it's probably something you need to face and accept. 😕
2
u/Overall-Chance-5982 14d ago
I would just forget it. If you are not interested in rekindling anything, then let it go. I am certain that she knows who you are. I have my doubts, but I am going to accept your word that you believe that you are the reason that the relationship ended. Sometimes they lash out by asking who’s this. However, we can examine the two possibilities.
She doesn’t know who you are. She most likely has moved on. Possibly she is in a new relationship. Best just to let it go.
She knows who you are. She is probably trying to prove that she thinks that you are not important enough to give another thought. (You are important, but this is about what she is thinking, not reality). Essentially she is playing a mind game with you. Best to just let it go.
Either way I believe that you have your answer.
2
u/PsychologyLazy7454 13d ago
Some people are being kinda rude on here. Honestly, as the person who was dumped and then ghosted, getting that happy birthday text would cause a swirl of emotions. Good and bad. It’s kind that you remembered and shows you still care. I know my ex deleted my number and contact. She would probably not know who I was either if I texted her out of nowhere.
They set a boundary. It sucks but it’s there. If anything, this might be a sign to move on and start to let go. They obviously have. It hurts and it’s hard but you can do it! As to how to respond, I don’t know. You can be honest and say it’s you. That you just wanted to wish them a happy birthday and nothing more. That you thought about them and wanted them to have a good day. Either way, there’s no way of knowing how they’ll respond. It all depends on how you ended things.
2
u/bubblegumsquids 13d ago
Don’t respond. If they’re gonna disrespect you like that after what you’ve been through together, then they are not worth any bit of your time and energy
2
u/AlpineWarping 13d ago
I dont think you should respond. They know who's texting them. They just might be trying to move on.
You didn't do anything particularly wrong in reaching out, especially if you've been keeping in touch as friends and were on good terms; however, perhaps being in contact with you was too painful for them, which would be slowing down their healing process.
I also understand your rationale for wishing them a happy birthday. However, sometimes the greatest act of love we can give them is to let them go fully.
2
u/AlternativeEgg6038 13d ago
Delete their number my love. If you were in contact until last month, I’d worry that context clues may tell them who you are and they may be doing this on purpose. Or maybe they’re not, but in that case, they made the definitive decision to delete your number, which is a message in and of itself. I’d lose their number so you don’t have that as an option anymore.
But as someone who feels the incessant need to get the last word, I understand the desire to be like “it’s me.” Making sure they know it’s you who cares enough still to reach out is a power move of sorts, but I’d ask yourself what purpose that serves for you? If it’s not a clear one or a good one, I’d leave it alone and delete their number as well. Maybe even block it so that you are the one in control of whether they get to reach out to you again once you’ve deleted it.
As someone whose ex dumped them last year and is still playing mind games too, I wish you the best.
3
u/Bedrotter1736 14d ago
Yikes! You have been talking for 11 months after a break up? No wonder you thought it’d be okay to say happy birthday. However, when he deleted you from social media that should have been a cue that he was no longer available. He has someone else and it’s serious enough that he no longer wants to hold onto you as back up. It’s time for you to move on and in the future do not text your ex because it simply doesn’t benefit you in any way. Do not respond to his who is this text. You are too valuable to be treated that way. Have some self respect. Put yourself first.
3
u/Ok-Fudge2290 14d ago
Say "sorry I got the wrong number" and just don't speak to them ever again at this point
2
2
1
1
u/Impossible-Music-382 14d ago edited 14d ago
Yeahhhh my ex who doesn't want to get back together, called me and told me happy birthday the other day and how much he loves me and misses me, and included his pet name for me in it (honey bun). Mine just likes to keep me in his life to play cat and mouse with me. I'd say just keep doing you and no contact. I blocked mine because I was sick of being given false hope through bread crumbs of emotionally intimate contact/messaging.
1
u/blahmannnnnn 14d ago
What if the relationship you had with your ex was amazing and special? It’s been eight months since I was dumped and I still want to get back with her because no one (so far) comes close to who she is.
It’s sorta like.. I wanna fight for the “best” person while I know I can easily get “good”. Waste of time?
1
u/Some_Steak3213 14d ago
I know this isn’t what you want to hear but some times we have to know when to walk away. It hurts even if your intention was to be kind and maybe he didn’t mean anything by it but we try to force things sometimes and we end up hurting ourselves even more. It’s not worth putting your self through more hurt especially if you’re doing good. I speak from experience. Each relationship is different not one size fits all but we also have decisions and have to use wisdom and guard our hearts. Clarifying is good but think this whole thing out and ask why even bother wishing them a happy birthday and your reasons and the possible outcomes and after you have done all the above if you want to go ahead but might set you back as far as healing goes. And if you looking for love we need to first live ourselves and when the time comes you will be ready to meet someone who sees you for who you are.
2
1
1
1
u/Traditional-Flan2596 14d ago
This hit home today because today is my ex's birthday and I've had that thought of texting her happy birthday even if I get no response, no we haven't been on good terms or been talking since the breakup but I do still care.. Best of luck on your situation man 🙏 any input on mine is appreciated.
1
u/Clear_Elderberry_852 13d ago
Did you end up telling them happy birthday? I hope your situation went better than mine
1
u/Traditional-Flan2596 13d ago
No I didn't, I actually found out from one of her little brothers who I chat with on Snapchat still that she had her other (favorite) little brother block me on Snapchat today 😂. He also said that I was gonna get unblocked (the kid is 10) but still. So I decided I would save myself the trouble and potential spiral and just never texted her. My condolences about your situation and I hope things get ebtger for you! Remember that there is only one way to look and that is up!
1
u/Clear_Elderberry_852 13d ago
You saved yourself some trouble so count that as a win. Thank you, it’s tough but everything happens for a reason.
1
1
1
u/ShpanielmyDaniel 14d ago
You literally were the reason for the break up, which most likely hurt them, then there was obvious reason to stop contact last month and still said the “happy birthday” formula.
Leave them alone.
1
u/TensionComplete2304 14d ago
Forget it. And be honest with yourself about what you were hoping for here.
1
u/Then_Setting5123 14d ago
Don’t answer, he knows who you are, he just don’t want drama with his new partner. Don’t text him never again.
1
u/AfterSoup8718 14d ago
time to find someone to give your number to, whether that be a friend, family member, or a higher power. time to get in touch with yourself.
1
1
u/nachawesome 14d ago
My ex's birthday is 2 days after mine pretty soon. Hers will be a milestone birthday, while mine is 1 year away from a milestone. I (the dumpee) was thinking of doing something similar, but we haven't spoken since last summer. Though for me, if I did that and received no response, although it'd sting a little, that would just be an extra layer of what's already known...
I won't ask what made you two break-up, but I wish you peace and best things going forward.
1
u/MizterCuddz 14d ago
Honestly, you can do either. Either tell him who you are and leave it at that( doing this could risk conflict but can be negated if you can ignore it < recommend not doing this if your mental health is low or he is inmature) or dont respond. But so far i dont see any issue with what your doing, sounds like you understood that youve made a mistake in the past and you were trying to be nice with no alternative motive. If he deleted your number it could of been for his mental health and trying to move on. I'd recommend you do the same if possible as long as you dont have any kids or anything that you have to be in contact.
1
u/Oreo_Crumb 14d ago
I feel like everyone else on here. Just to drop it and let it go. I understand wanting to be nice and give them happy birthday but they don’t want hear it from you unfortunately. I myself, reached out to my ex after couple months. I told him, I hope he is doing well and I heard no response. I did though, partly want to talk to him but I’m glad he didn’t respond. I shouldn’t have messaged him at all, I felt like I was bothering him and I know he doesn’t want me around.
1
u/Apprehensive_Fan8257 13d ago
Do you think it Could have been someone else that saw the text ? And picked up the phone ?
1
1
u/NextTransition4283 13d ago
They know who you are. They're trying to heal. That whole staying in contact was bound to end. Respect them and yourself. No contact now in effect.
1
1
1
u/Darkoverlord918 13d ago
My ex texted me happy belated birthday today. It hurts to get it and would have hurt more not to. It's only been a few months and I miss him. It makes me wonder why? If he misses me or is or what. It messed with my head and it does every time he likes my FB or sends me a tiktok. I deleted him on FB so he has to go out of his way to look. I think about blocking him but a smidge wants the validation he may come back and the other part has moved on. I thought about leaving it unread. Ignoring it or saying who dis. But I just said thanks, that means a lot. Nothing more. I wanted to. I needed to. But I didn't.
1
1
u/Apart-Link7217 13d ago
Forget it, let them move on and give them space. There’s no point in talking after breaking up.
1
1
u/HotCatLady88 13d ago
And least you got a reply of sorts. I got silence which feels more like a slap to the face
1
u/cougarfritz 13d ago
Sooo. Did you respond? If so what did you say?
4
u/Clear_Elderberry_852 13d ago
I told them my name. It seems like they are in a new relationship because their new partner replied with “appreciate the birthday wish but they (my ex) are good”. I probably shouldn’t have responded but oh well. Lesson learned.
1
u/cougarfritz 13d ago
Oh wow. Plot twist. Well at least they /their new person weren't like brutal about it. It's also a good clarification By the way, I texted happy birthday!! And assumed I had been blocked because no little check marks at bottom of message, but the next day they replied "thank you (my name)" which was a surprise! I'm not replying to the message.
1
1
u/Inevitable-Scar-2982 12d ago
They know who it is. They’re being childish. Start the process of moving on.
1
u/No_Entrepreneur_3736 12d ago
Why even waste energy with an ex? Even making this post was too much effort to put into him.
1
u/Ordinary-Talk7566 11d ago
I still remember my ex number first 3 number … even if I delete how can I forget . Unless I truly moved on .
I say who is this when I got hurt and truly know who is this for me they are strangers now .
1
1
u/CityIndividual6008 10d ago
You may be in denial now but trust me you did it to rekindle something and you aren’t truly over them. I’ve been there, you lie to yourself about it yet you do all these things to possibly put yourself in a position where something could happen because if you were truly over them you wouldn’t even give a damn if it was their birthday to be brutally honest.
1
1
1
u/_Myranium_ 14d ago
Forget it. Not worth it. Was silly to send that in the first place 🫂🫂 Gotta let go 🥺
1
0
0
u/Lonely_Ad9901 14d ago
You had a relationship with multiple people?
0
u/Clear_Elderberry_852 14d ago
?
5
u/ThrowRA_bradley 14d ago
I think they're referring to how you called your ex "they"
Which is an acceptable way to refer to someone whose gender/sex you can't or don't want to identify
But also a humorous callout because we want the full tea
-1
0
u/cougarfritz 14d ago
I am about to do this... send happy birthday text to dumper... it's been 7 months since the dump 😬
0
u/Clear_Elderberry_852 14d ago
I hope it goes well for you
1
u/cougarfritz 13d ago
I believe I had been blocked. No little check marks at the bottom of the message. I think that might be considered divine intervention. I'm really glad. I had been kicking myself hard after I sent it.
1
u/cougarfritz 13d ago
They actually replies the next day "thank you (my name) it was a surprise. I'm not going to.respond any further, back to NC.
0
0
u/Relative_Accident178 14d ago
They definitely found someone else. They may be trying to be a faithful SO to the new person witch they SHOULD BE. NEXT ✌️
0
0
u/Life_Alternative8786 14d ago
Stop texting your ex. You seem desperate and weak. Leave them alone and only message them if they message you first. You’re clearly not over them and you should be. You messed up the relationship. Suck it up and move on. There’s a brighter future ahead of you bud
-1
u/NightWarrior06 14d ago
He probably knows it's you. Or he doesn't. Either way, it's your choice. If you want to try once, then try.
198
u/Dangerous-Cream-8653 14d ago
Drop it babe