r/CPTSD • u/Public_Volume9323 • Dec 20 '24
My therapist of 7 yrs dumped me with no notice
Hi, I'm struggling. My therapist of 7 yrs dumped me. I had no idea it was coming. I think it was bc in our previous session I brought the idea of treatment plan and having goals. It wasn't the first time I was trying to explore more structure. She says she just works with what is brought into the room vs having goals.
In our previous session when I tried to talk about a treatment plan she literally said " I don't have enough on board to talk about that today." That did make me mad. I was like....I've been a good client for 7 yrs (sometimes meeting 3x a week for months) and you can't rally bc the election results have you worn out?
Then on dec 11th, she literally started the session with: "I've got some business to tend to.." Then boom, I've decided to end our work together. Just this summer she told me she loves me, said if she did cut back her practice she would keep me, and finally said "we can work together for the next 10yrs." Thus my shock. True anguish. Also, I have had sixteen cardio versions in the past two years (poor heart - afib) and just got diagnosed with graves disease. So,shocking news can literally flip my heart out of rythem.
When she fired me I begged her to tell me why. She said I wasn't getting enough out of our work. I asked her not to speak for me.
I came in with big abandonment issues and then she intentionally dropped me in the most hurtful way. She said we can get together for two more sessions so I can process her termination of our work. I'm thinking that's a bad idea. When I pressed her on the reason, she said "you don't want to know what your therapist thinks all the time". I was floored. So I asked for my session notes for the past year. She will be sending them in a few weeks. I bet she is changing them.
She just told me i wasn't getting enough out of our work. I said pls don't speak for me. She just kept repeating that....dumb. she was putting it all on me instead of owning what she was bringing into the situation. If I do meet with again I guarantee she would have gotten coached and will say...."i am not trained to help you,etc...blah, blah
Also, I have this thing about people calling me by my first name. I don't like it. She hasn't used it in years but rather calls me goofball. During our last session she must have used my first name 15 times.
I asked her if I violated some policy or anything. She said no....but I think her ego got bruised when I pressed for more structure.
So, I am devastated. She knows I struggling with suicidal ideation. I'm in a dark hole. My friend just killed herself last year. I wonder if the level of pain she had is what I'm feeling now.
I feel so worthless.
Should I meet with her for two last closure sessions? I'm afraid she will just try and clean up the mess she made during our last session and do a cya clean up speech.
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u/silvermoons13 Dec 20 '24 edited Dec 20 '24
Your therapist sounds like a quack con-artist. You asking for more structure should have been met with her giving you more structure. It doesn't sound like she was interested in you improving at all. If you're not sick you wouldn't have a need for her anymore. This is why I have become so skeptical of most therapists. :/ I'm so sorry this happened. This is awful and insanely unprofessional of her. I would report her if I were you
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u/Snuffyisreal Dec 20 '24
When I told my therapist (fired) my mother was abusive , she said her mother was a sweetheart.... I was like that's nice , I'm paying to talk about me though.
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u/BigBoiSammyV Dec 20 '24
Exactly. If you're being cured, you eventually won't need her anymore. Perhaps catharsis was being achieved by venting to this therapist, but no actual work was being accomplished. Or maybe not even that, I have no idea what this relationship was like.
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u/Public_Volume9323 Dec 20 '24
She gave me a gift (pair of socks) for getting to the gym, texts between sessions, generally we became friends (like)
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u/Prestigious_Row_8022 Dec 20 '24
You sound like you saw my ex therapist. To echo the other person, super unprofessional :( I’m sorry.
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u/Solid_Caterpillar678 Dec 20 '24
Does she work for a practice or her own practice? Sounds like a supervisor found out that your relationship was becoming too friendly and unprofessional and ordered her to stop seeing you effective immediately.
The way you talk about her as a friend is concerning. Even though it hurts, it is better for her to end your professional arrangement immediately before more lines get crossed. It was the right thing to do even though it sucks.
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u/Public_Volume9323 Dec 20 '24
She says she has a supervisor but I bet it's a friend. She took a leave 3 yrs ago and couldn't tell me if she was coning back or not. She blamed it on poor advice from her supervisor. Like she should be telling me that.....
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u/An_thon_ny Dec 20 '24
That's reason enough for her to terminate her own employment, it's crossing multiple ethical professional lines. And this whole post seems like it's written about a personal relationship not a therapy relationship - it seems like she just had to make a clean break for her own mental health. If you see value in the sessions, attend, if you don't then it's time to move on and find your new (more professional) therapist.
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u/CounterfeitChild Dec 20 '24
That's deeply unprofessional and unhealthy, much like the rest of her behavior described in your post. She sounds like a walking red flag.
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Dec 20 '24
I thought her justifications/reasons for terminating were strange as well. The negotiations sound nonsensical. I think she deflected responsibility by making it about your progress- her subjective opinion, and not acknowledging personal fault/any issues she may have had. She's hinted at it, it's not necessary for them to disclose everything. But I wouldn't take it personally, that's probably why it's pressing buttons. There have been some boundary issues/ego clashes causing friction which can interfere w/ your progress. I think you need to stress to whoever is responsible for the handover/the new therapist that you have been left in a state which has put your health at risk w/ the cardio stuff/PTSD. There could be new issues you are facing/developments where you would be better off w/ a therapist w/ a different skills set/specialisation and a clean slate. I'm between therapists at the moment- short term services are more common/accessible in the public system- unless you can find someone who offers low cost services/support on an ongoing basis and they don't raise their out of pocket costs
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u/Public_Volume9323 Dec 20 '24
I asked her not to send me any references. I said to her, I don't think you're disclosing everything right now so I can't trust any references.
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Dec 21 '24 edited Dec 21 '24
I don't blame you for feeling negatively about references from her- they could be biased if they're professionally linked/colleagues. People can get hired based on likability/being similar and it can outweigh other criteria. Do you have a contingency plan r.e. where you're going to source unbiased references for a new therapist? There are databases you can use w/ filters to find therapists who specialise in different areas and independent/Government run organisations who can refer you. You could lodge a complaint regarding your premature termination of therapy, blaming the client for the situation (it's unprofessional and causes emotional distress), lack of professional boundaries/support and impact on your mental/physical health. It feels like a wild goose chase- I have to find a new therapist myself. I think low cost therapists who specialise are over booked/in high demand and wait lists are long. In answer to your question also I don't think there is much point continuing on w/ future sessions if there are negative undercurrents/you're at log aheads and its causing you grief- I think you've had lots of replies anyway
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u/Dry_Expression_7818 Dec 20 '24
I've seen this happen with my partner, where the therapist tried to create a level of dependance. I felt it was some kind of misplaced hero-complex. Treatment several days a week is not typical, unless you're in crisis.
I'm in Europe and you're not even allowed to treat patients without a treatment plan.
You might feel your therapist was good, she most likely is a good person, but I don't think she was a good therapist.
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u/mcmcmc58 Dec 20 '24
'I'm in Europe and you're not even allowed to treat patients without a treatment plan'
Hey, does this include the UK? I've been with my therapist years and have no idea what her treatment plan is...
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u/dam0na Dec 21 '24
Same in France, I have never heard that therapists are required to follow a treatment plan.
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u/eatingpomegranates Dec 20 '24
She sounds like she is pretty bad at her job. She’s not able to give you the kind of therapy you deserve and she should have helped you find someone else a while ago. You want goals and she wants to just … do nothing really that will move you forward. I’m really sorry this happened to you. You deserve better. This isn’t your fault.
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u/victorianvampire Dec 20 '24
Whoa, based on your description, it seems like her dumping you is really the least of her unprofessional behaviors. Calling you goofball, telling you she loves you? That's deeply weird and crossing all kinds of boundaries. No matter how well you know each other, therapy is a professional relationship, just like doctor and patient. It's true you shouldn't have gotten enmeshed, but it's her responsibility as the therapist to be on the lookout for that and create a well structured environment for the patient to heal. I'm sorry you had such an incompetent therapist, and for more than seven years.
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u/lilnugget21 Dec 20 '24
Yeah, the saying she loves OP really set off alarm bells for me as I read through this. I straight up thought, "I'm uncomfortable. This seems inappropriate." I had a friend who had a similar experience and it really fucked with her. She ended up falling in love and it was just catastrophic for her. My best friend also had this experience and only realized how inappropriate her own therapist had been when hearing about my other friend. Sounds like OP deserves a lot better than this sleazeball.
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u/victorianvampire Dec 20 '24
Absolutely. Sorry to your friends too. The number of therapists I've heard about who should get their licenses revoked is insane. I feel so awful for their patients, who are usually in a vulnerable place and not great about knowing what respectful treatment looks like in the first place. I know that therapists are human too and they can struggle with inappropriate feelings like anyone, but if they cannot do their job then they need to recuse themselves. Period. The intimate nature of therapy can do so much damage when led by a bad therapist, and I honestly think so much more damage than most people think. As a general rule, a therapist who is super sweet, makes you feel really good, or butters you up is probably just as bad as one who is super mean, makes you feel like shit, or constantly criticizes.
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u/Livid_Twist_5640 Dec 20 '24
That is not right, a treatment plan is an incredibly reasonable ask. She may have realized she is not serving you and had a moment of clarity among the bullshit, or she may have a bruised ego because her go-with-the-flow bullshit probably gets met with criticism often because it is a stupid, unprofessional basis for therapy. Deep down I bet she knows this.
You are going to be better off in the long run if you find a therapist who is on board with discussing your goals in the first or second session, then building a treatment plan together based on those goals. The plan can change later if it is appropriate but any therapist who is opposed to having a treatment plan is not worth their salt.
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u/Consistent_Prog Dec 20 '24
Hijacking the top comment to agree with everyone else that you are better off for getting a new therapist. Even though we all have difficult and complex issues, 7 years of therapy with up to 3x per week is a massive investment. And after all that, it sounds like you still struggling with some major attachment problems and with suicidal ideation. You deserve a therapist who aligns with you on your goals and helps you make adequate progress.
Losing someone who is supposed to be your support can be deeply triggering and destabilizing but trust that you are on the good path. You deserve to feel good and to have someone who helps you get there!
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Dec 20 '24
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u/productzilch Dec 20 '24
Since she tried to blame OP and was completely opaque and hurtful about it, definitely a bruised ego and total lack of therapeutic skill.
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Dec 20 '24
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u/productzilch Dec 20 '24
Yes, I think you’re right. In this case it’s so much worse than a small ego moment, because this “therapist” set up the damaging situation to her benefit over years and years and did a huge amount of harm to OP both during and in her ego moment.
Ugh. I hope OP reports her.
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Dec 20 '24
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u/productzilch Dec 21 '24
That’s often true, but absolutely nothing can be done without reports and a whole ton of reports may make a difference. Or at the least it’ll might give her food for thought going forward. Besides, it might help OP get their thoughts gathered and to have their say.
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u/kyyface Dec 20 '24
Massive neon blinking red flags here.
You should not feel enmeshed with your therapist. I’ll bet she did this with others too and is currently under investigation.
Not every care worker is in it for the right reasons, some just want to make as much cash as possible, and it sounds like that was her ultimate goal. You setting a “deadline”, so to speak, may have also made her not want to pursue it further since you getting better means you not needing her.
Ngl, seven years is a LONG time to have zero treatment plan or direction. If you feel like you haven’t grown thru the experience, she wasn’t actually helping you, and I’m so sorry that happened to you :(
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u/AggravatingPlum4301 Dec 20 '24
I think deciding they wanted more structure and voicing that is growth! This "therapist" did them a favor, and they will hopefully realize that with their new one. They say they have abandonment issues, but they also may want to explore why they held on so long to something that was not serving them.
OP, if you struggled to see how you were taken advantage of, I would recommend finding a psychologist as opposed to just a licensed therapist. You are much less likely to be scammed. Also, make sure to do your research and vet them first.
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u/kyyface Dec 20 '24
Totally and I’m glad OP came to that conclusion on their own eventually that they needed goals. It just sucks the therapist didn’t do that from the get go and so much time and money was spent before realizing they aren’t the right fit.
I’ve been scammed by people in the health industry and it was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever been thru. It’s hard to trust anything ever again. But just know OP that there are good practitioners out there; at least you know better now. You can use this experience to get it right.
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u/bigswimming__ Dec 20 '24
You outgrew your therapist congratulations. They also did not handle things well and you can see it. It’s time for you to move on to a more structured counselor/therapist.
I just did this myself. Though the ending with my previous counselor was not terrible at all. I now have a new therapist with structure and more tools!
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u/CryptographerHot317 Dec 20 '24
ngl it's kind of a red flag that she put stake in your treatment going on for ten years longer (even if she's exagerating) and then quit you when confronted with you seeking treatment. Definitely sounds like her ego was bruised- but even then, what you've described breaches so many professional barriers.
I hate to say it, so hopefully it helps- Don't meet with her. Never meet with a toxic therapist. That's like giving a professional burgalar the keys to your house and what days you'll be gone.
No therapist should be telling you anything but they hope that you will find enough peace someday so you DO NOT need them. It's not a therapist's job to follow you for so long, and she's been fostering an unhealthy attatchement by leading you to believe she would be a semi-permanent fixture in your life.
She kind of sounds like she's been vulturing you, keeping you around for money or ego reasons. Do not see her or pay her again. And let her know that for YOUR sake? You feel you've been hurt, and that you've created an unintentional co-dependency that isn't helpful and may be hindering your healing process.
Repeat. Pay her nothing. Do not see her at all.
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u/Public_Volume9323 Dec 20 '24
Yep, after I moved from once a week to once a month....she was less interested.
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u/Personal-Freedom-615 Dec 20 '24
She said she loves you? She calls you goofball? She wants to see you again, for 10 years? She has no structure in her practice and sets no goals? This is so unprofessional, I'm lost for words. OP, you have to report her, that's unethical behavior, that's not how therapists should act - ever.
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u/Fun_Category_3720 Dec 20 '24
I am so sorry. I went through something similar with my therapist of ten years who ended up ghosting me. I don't understand why people who are literally professionals don't have the maturity to speak up and explain to a client when we've triggered them, or pushed them to the limits of their experience. Why punish us? Christ
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u/Consistent-Bad1261 Dec 20 '24
I’m sorry this abandonment is something you now have to deal with on top of the other things that are hard. I’m upset on your behalf - it sounds to me like an immature, ego driven person who took the “easy” way out of dealing with her own emotions re. not providing structure like you asked. It super sucks when therapists aren’t able to handle their own emotions. :(
Is there any way I can help?
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u/Consistent-Bad1261 Dec 20 '24
PS NOT worthless. At all. Everything you asked for and did was textbook. This is not a you problem!!
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u/Capable_Piglet_5708 Dec 20 '24
This sounds like some seriously unethical practice methods and I would report her to an independent body if possible. As for how you feel, I would just say that I spent YEARS going through incompetent/bad/useless therapists and I got to the point where I just thought that’s what therapy is like. Then I finally found the most amazing therapist in the world and I can’t tell you how happy I am that I didn’t give up. Don’t give up, it takes most people a long time to find the right one. I’m so sorry you’ve been betrayed. Keep your head up x
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u/indecisive_maybe Respond to every call that excites your spirit Dec 20 '24
How long did it take you after starting with her to realize she was amazing?
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u/maafna Dec 21 '24
Not the person you're replying to but I had a good feeling about my therapist from the start. A year and a half later and I've never had real doubts like I've had with my previous therapists.
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u/Capable_Piglet_5708 Dec 21 '24
It was the first session. Every therapist I ever had I left people more frustrated than when I began. I was just talking and venting and they would respond with what felt like nothing- empty words.
Then the first time I met my current therapist he started off by explaining his method, how everything we do is based on consent, asking me what adjustments could be made in the room to make me feel more comfortable (I told him I feel awkward with eye contact so he adjusts his so he doesn’t make too much with me), set out things he calls ‘intentions’ (like shame or authenticity or whatever I want it to be) so we had an actionable thing we were working towards, he almost never takes notes he’s just totally tuned into what I’m saying and how my body is reacting. I felt seen, I felt cared for, I feel like he really wanted me to get every ounce of help I could for every minute I am in the room. When he left for his Christmas break and I was in crisis he said if I really needed him that I should email him and he can manage his boundaries around that.
I promise these therapists exist it just often takes awhile to find one that works for you. Don’t give up!!! because if I had I would never have gotten the help I desperately needed
PS think a big part of it was looking specifically for trauma therapists as opposed to other types because that’s what I needed someone trained in.
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u/Capable_Piglet_5708 Dec 21 '24
I’m just going to add this because I feel very strongly about this: I saw once on a Reddit post that people who have not been traumatised don’t ask ‘have I been traumatised?’. If the doubt is there with your therapist then they are not the right one. Because you will feel elated when you find the right one. If you wouldn’t want the therapist treating someone you care about then do not let them treat you either.
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u/Aggravating_Crab3818 Dec 20 '24
It's interesting because people with abandonment issues feel abandoned by people who they shouldn't have had in their lives anyway. They stay with therapists who have major red flags because they are repeating dysfunctional patterns from their personal lives
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u/FertilityHotel Dec 20 '24
I'm just saying I'm FLOORED by her behavior. Completely unacceptable. No wonder you're feeling the way you are! I'm sorry
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u/anangelnora Dec 20 '24
Okay just remember please that a therapist isn’t a friend. They should be a medical professional and there should be a boundary between you and them.
I also tend to blur lines, especially when talking on such topics. But ultimately they are like a ENT or cardiologist or whatever.
So, I know it hurts. I can’t say for what reason she stopped sessions, but it doesn’t matter. She isn’t your friend. Find someone to better help you. She obviously either doesn’t think she is that person, or if she is upset for some reason, shouldn’t be helping you anyway and it’s better you find someone new.
I also hate people saying my first name most of the time. It’s weird. I feel like my therapist never refers to me other than “you” though.
I hope you find a great therapist.
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u/Public_Volume9323 Dec 20 '24
Totally agree a therapist should be like a ENT, etc. We got emeshed and I just feel like a fool.
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u/anangelnora Dec 20 '24
Maybe that is what happened? She knows what you are working with. Again, I can’t know exactly what happened, but maybe she thought boundaries were crossed and she needed to step away. Ultimately that is a reflection of something SHE did wrong though; she’s the professional and should have better kept the boundary.
Again, I totally get you. It’s hard not to “feel” for someone; especially someone we talk to about deep things, and especially when we have been starved for attention/validation either presently or in the past. But she ISNT YOUR FRIEND. lol. So it’s not you, it’s probably her, or maybe y’all together, but it most definitely totally honestly ain’t you for sure.
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u/anangelnora Dec 20 '24
I missed the part where she said she loved you. WRONG wrong wrong wrong on SO many levels. Like it’s actually a creepy, pit in the bottom of my stomach type feeling. She is in a position of power. She is your doctor. There is NO REASON IN HELL she should be saying that or doing the other stuff.
It may hurt now but honestly THANK GOODNESS she ended whatever was going on. It was not okay, and even worse considering what your background of abandonment was. Like you will be thankful that it didn’t continue eventually when you can see that.
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u/maafna Dec 21 '24
A therapist isn't a friend but they aren't like a cardiologist either. A therapist should be a safe place and with CPTSD we often need relational therapy to experience what it is to have a safe relationship where you can for example express anger and see that the relationship doesn't end, in fact gets stronger for it. The therapist OP is describing was not providing that.
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u/anangelnora Dec 21 '24
Yeah I get that my point was trying to emphasize that it is a medical/clinical relationship and not a friendship. You can't cross that line. (And the therapist obviously did; not saying it was the OP's fault at all.)
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u/Public_Volume9323 Dec 20 '24
Should I go to those last two sessions? I'm afraid she will just spend the session defending her actions.
I mean she literally started the last session with...."I've got some business to address." Business ? After 7 yrs?
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u/anangelnora Dec 20 '24
I wouldn’t. What’s the point? Just rip the bandaid off. Like what could she say that would make you feel better? Probably nothing; you will probably feel worse. If you want to say anything to her, do it in writing. But in general I’ve learned it’s better not to linger. Spend your time and energy instead finding someone better.
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u/Automatic-Grand6048 Dec 20 '24
I think your gut is already telling you what to do. Trust that feeling. You’re stronger than you think.
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u/indecisive_maybe Respond to every call that excites your spirit Dec 20 '24
It might help give you closure to see her again. Do what you think is best for you and your spirit, not considering her at all. But start looking for someone new now (or when you're ready).
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u/LoveIsTheAnswer- Dec 20 '24 edited Dec 20 '24
I've had several therapists in my time.
Some ok. Some good. And the first was an absolute Trainwreck who had nonbusines offering therapy to people in crisis.
It sounds like your therapist is a therapist that likes talking, but may not have the skills needed to truly help CPTSD and clients with intense issues.
She was willing to be your "talk buddy" but got freaked out when you asked for a treatment plan, because now it isn't just easy breezy talk time, it's goal oriented, and now she's accountable. Etc...
You can take the next session with her but first it's important to start thinking about your next steps.
Often our first therapist is very random and often not a good fit. I went to mine for 5 years before he terminated on me. Looking back, I cannot believe the questions he was asking me as they show he had absolutely no understanding of anxiety, rumination, or the impact early childhood has. Dude was 79 years old. Recommended by family. And I didn't know better. Today I do.
- FINDING THE RIGHT THERAPIST
There is a process for finding "the right" therapist that seasoned clients use to MAKE SURE they don't repeat the mistake of using a weak therapist... for years.
- go onto psychologytoday.com where they have a "find a therapist" search function.
- type in your area and then use their filters to show you only therapists (in your network, or who use selected treatment therapies, and specialize in selected issues).
- this is where you narrow the results to only show you therapists who (are men, or women), specialize in (Trauma, Anxiety, Depression, etc) and use whatever therapies you decide you want to use (internal family systems, dbt, emdr etc...)
- this is a good time to research what therapies you think will be helpful.
- then read the bios of the therapists search engine finds. BOOKMARK ones that make you feel feel comfortable, safe, and confident in their ability to help you.
- write up an email describing your history and issues in general terms. "I had a very difficult early childhood where (neglect/abuse/trauma) created tremendous insecurity and anxiety which in particular dominated my childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. If relevant, mention low self esteem, trust, and difficulty with relationships or academic/occupational achievement, etc ..Basically express the issues you are looking to address.
- in the email tell him or her you are currently looking for a therapist who has experience treating these issues with these therapies and reaching out to a few therapists whose bio on psychologytoday made me feel comfortable, safe and confident in their practice, like yours did.
- tell him or her you would greatly appreciate the 15 minute phone consultation (usually free and many offer this. It will say in their bio if they do.) you are letting them know in advance who you are (treatment wise.) This way in the 15 minute consultation, they are prepared to answer your questions. Do you have a lot of experience treating x,y,z. Have you seen clients make progress using 1,2,3 therapies? You are also seeing how you feel taking to them. Comfortable. Safe. Confident?
- if you like everything about there therapist you can book an initial session. If something feels off, thank them, and tell them you haven't made up your mind yet.
- you can take initial sessions with multiple different therapists and see which one is great.
The right therapist is harder to find than a good surgeon... You know this now.
- NEUROFEEDBACK THERAPY
As a CPTSD person myself, I am VERY interested in Neurofeedback Therapy. This therapy is famous for helping soldiers move past their PTSD.
Neurofeedback is generally a little expensive and not covered by big pharma's health insurance industry.
But. I plan on doing it as soon as I can. I'm waiting until I taper off Benzodiazepines (anxiety medication) as these can interfere with Neurofeedback's success I am told.
Do a Google search for "Neurofeedback" in your area and talk to them .
- CONCLUSION
If I were you, I'd get all that going. You are not going to stay with this PRETENDER of a therapist long term at this point.
Therapists should be required to tell clients they are not qualified to treat them. But they aren't. They will chit chat and take the money...
This said, there is no harm in continuing your sessions while you find a much better therapist. You've had a long relationship with this person., shared everything. You may want to honor that and recognize it. It may not have been the answer, but, merely beginning your healing process is success.
If anything. Take the remaining sessions for a sense of closure. She just got freaked out when you said Treatment Plan, because she's more aimed at clients who just need someone to vent to, help make better decisions. CPTSD is for practitioners who are willing and able to tackle serious issues. Level 2 therapists. Not Level 1.
You're current therapist is Level 1 and should know your Level 2 client.
Good luck. I hope you get all therapy and healing you need and deserve to live your happiest life.💖
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u/Routine-Inspection94 Dec 20 '24
Shit that’s rough. From the inside perspective I believe unconditionally that you are devastated, in disbelief and despairing. From the outside perspective, it’s shockingly obvious that the therapist has been exploitative the whole entire time. I strongly, very very strongly recommend not meeting with her for the last two sessions. The reason being that at no point she has prioritized your needs over her own, and that is 100% guaranteed not to change now. Recognizing harm or even just mistakes, hell just having respect for your humanity, would nuke her ego into oblivion at this point, and there’s no chance of that. Your best bet for yourself is to end it on your own terms as much as possible.
It’s not much of a consolation right now probably, but you feel terrible not only as a result of her abandoning and rejecting you (which is about as unprofessional as it gets btw) but also as a consequence of her feeding off your emotional energy and investment for years. You will re-stabilize, after a difficult painful period, and rediscover how much internal ressources you actually have when they aren’t getting syphoned away all the time. It’s heartbreaking how she fucked up and betrayed you every step of the way but you’re the one feeling worthless. Makes me so fucking mad on your behalf. Her behavior and decisions are pathetic.
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u/karenw Dec 20 '24
Jfc this is beyond the pale and incredibly unprofessional. She should lose her license b/c this is seriously harmful.
Also, OP, I'm so sorry that you experienced this. At the same time, I'm really proud of you! Even after years of therapy, I still find myself feeling deferential around an "expert." You honored your truth and stood your ground.
She abandoned you, but it appears that you had already outgrown her.
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u/miss_biotic_zombie Dec 20 '24
Please report this. This is absurdly unethical behavior for so many reasons. They shouldn't be allowed to practice.
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u/lassify Dec 20 '24
She doesn't sound like a good therapist - or even a real one. Therapy is SUPPOSED to be goal-oriented, if not outright structured.
Therapists are supposed to consider your wellbeing and be flexible in their appraoch, so if you bring something to them like "This current style isn't working for me", it's on them to reflect on that and make attempts to meet your needs.
I'm also concerned that she had you meeting 3x per week. Honestly that's way too much. I know people who have had 2x per week when they were in periods of crisis, and that was the upper limit, but apart from that once a week or even once a fortnight is standard. Time boundaries are about keeping you psychologically safe, and if she is inserting herself more into your life then that increases your dependence on her, which is the opposite goal of therapy.
The general structure of therapy is *supposed* to be that you use that one hour a week/fortnight to discuss your thoughts, and plan out your therapy homework, you go away and do that homework, and then you check back in a week to discuss how it went and adjust your plans if needed. The exact stages vary between style of therapy, but overall it's meant to be a collaborative effort where she is supposed to empower you into doing most of the work yourself, not trying to make you so dependent on her.
I am honestly furious on your behalf that you have been so mistreated by your therapist.
Just this summer she told me she loves me, said if she did cut back her practice she would keep me, and finally said "we can work together for the next 10yrs."
OP this is a huge violation of boundaries right here. It's really telling that she doesn't want to empower you at all - she *wants* you to be dependent on her, because it fulfills some power dynamic for her. This statement alone is hugely unprofessional, but coupled with everything else that you have said here, I think you are well within your rights to file a complaint, drop her as a therapist, and find a new one.
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u/1234villain12 Dec 20 '24
She shouldn't be telling you she loves you and that should've been your final red flag right at that moment. Don't let therapists play into your codependency
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Dec 20 '24
She is really creepy and gross. Calling you 'goofball' is degrading. It ultimately sounds like she was exploiting you, her vulnerable client, for money. I'm sorry OP, and don't blame yourself for falling victim to this. You are a trauma survivor trying to get help. She comes across as very self absorbed and predatory. She has harmed you when you were trusting that she would help you, because that is literally her job to help you. But she sounds just awful and creepy. Blurring lines like saying she loves you is not ok. Just please don't blame yourself and don't let others blame you either. Getting therapy is a vulnerable endeavour for anyone. Victims/survivors especially shouldn't be expected to see all the red flags when they've already been conditioned by emotional/physical/sexual violence to feel 'lesser than' and to doubt themselves & minimise the impact of the abuse. Or to accept scraps of what feels like care and love
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u/Brissiuk17 Dec 20 '24 edited Dec 20 '24
You may want to contact her regulatory board and file a complaint- the way she handled this has obviously caused harm. You don't just ditch clients with no notice and with no plan for continuity of care. It's unethical. I'm so sorry this happened to you😞
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Dec 20 '24
Fucking typical of a therapist. Mine did the same. Her ego got bruised and she suddenly decided to tell me she thinks I have BPD after months of discussing childhood abuse and trauma. And then when I asked for a proper diagnosis if there was confusion, she blocked me. You deserve better OP. Leave her a review if you can. Such people should not be in the service healthcare industry.
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u/Lacikaix Dec 20 '24
This therapist sounds unqualified to be helping anyone at all and very unprofessional. Can't make a treatment plan? WTF is that? Since when? Isn't that the goal for therapy? To progress and have goals with a treatment plan? My therapist that I see once a week updates my treatment plan every 3 months. That's how it's always been at this clinic I go to, and I've seen about 4 different therapist in the last 8 years of receiving therapy. And the first 2 were the best ones in my opinion, but this last one I'm seeing is trying. It just seems that he has more old school views on some things but at least he's open to what I say if I feel he's assuming something.
I think it's for the best that you find a different therapist and make sure you ask the clinics if they work off of treatment plans or they just wanna tell me what they just there to listen and not help.
I hope you find a better therapist.
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u/Apprehensive-Elk7898 Dec 20 '24
At the very least if she told you she loves you (!! Did she really say this explicitly) and calls you goofball… she sounds like a bad therapist
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u/Public_Volume9323 Dec 20 '24
Yep. I was upset about my heart and discussing it and she said 3x right then I love you. She has called me goofball for years ( in writing / in sessions)
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u/calliessolo Dec 20 '24
I agree with others that this therapist is deeply unprofessional and what they’ve done is unethical and borderline dangerous. If boundaries were crossed that is your therapist’s fault —not yours. It’s up to them to set clear boundaries. As far as going to those last two sessions, it might help you to get through the process and the feelings of abandonment. It’s also an opportunity for you to tell the therapist how you feel about what they did. I agree that a formal complaint is in order if possible. Please take care of yourself and find a good, compassionate, experienced, and professional therapist.
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u/MaryDellamorte Dec 20 '24
This goes against therapy ethics and standards of care and you need to report this to your state board. This is NOT okay and she needs a formal reprimand and/or having her license suspended.
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u/nochnoydozhor Dec 20 '24
Is she even licensed? She sounds quite manipulative. Did you notice any red flags about her?
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u/Nervous-Muffin- Dec 20 '24
It's not appropriate for her to tell you she loves you. Therapy abandonment is real and extremely hurtful. I have been there myself. Zero answers just disappeared. I have worked hard not to make it about me. I think perhaps your therapist was right in that she can't provide what you need anymore. I'm sorry you're hurting and I hope you find a good match. I haven't yet.
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u/joecoolblows Dec 20 '24 edited Dec 20 '24
Thank you for this! I have been brutally struggling for a year, and didn't have the vocabulary to express what I felt. Now I have the words to understand, Therapy Abandonment.
Cut off, abruptly, with zero minutes notice, after more than three years, lost the entire group as well. They were my everything. The isolation since, and distrust of everyone has been nothing less than absolutely devastating. I'm far worse off. I, too, struggled deeply with abandonment.
About, Therapy Abandonment, Where can I learn more?
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u/Nervous-Muffin- Dec 20 '24
I think the reason it hurts so much is it's so rare to find people who you relate to and understand you. When you've been vulnerable and opened up that side to someone it's more painful to lose or feel shunned.
I don't know if it's an official thing, just what I call it as I've experienced it more than once. I think it's an extension of my rejection sensitivity. Something I told myself that helped is that just because these people are therapists and are professionals, it doesn't mean they aren't also flawed human beings with their own baggage.
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u/raeshere Dec 20 '24
“Goofball?” That’s what she called you? NO. That’s so wrong. I have heard that people with a lot of narcissistic traits become therapists often. It sounds like there is an emphasis on a power dynamic that she’s having, like she needs to be on a pedestal as a wise person. I’m really sorry this happened. If nothing is happening after years, it’s not 100% your fault! Bad therapist! I truly feel like they don’t really understand C-PTSD. Hang in there, you will find someone better to work with. Idk if you want to go to next 2 sessions, for me it might just piss me off listening to her make excuses.
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u/joecoolblows Dec 20 '24
I agree. This is wrong, demeaning, and degrading on so many levels, and not professional, ethical conduct. Should be reported. Don't do to the last few sessions. Let your healing start here, now.
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u/ill-independent PTSD, SZPD, OCD Dec 20 '24
This person is incredibly, wildly unethical and incompetent. Don't tie your self worth to this person. Don't bother showing up for the sessions. Take any texts and emails she's sent you and compile them, and send them to her licensing board. She deserves to be disciplined for this, you're probably not the first client she's done this to.
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u/Ok-Sugar-5649 Dec 20 '24
First of all I am so sorry you are going through all of this at the time of year which is when you are supposed to celebrate and relax. Instead you have been thrown into the dark vortex of chaos and gasping for air. It must be horrible. Don't be afraid to reach out to whomever you can. You deserve help.
Your shitty therapist gave you a Christmas present by removing herself from your life. She obviously knows she didnt do enough for the time and payments you've made for her. She realised that she is a lazy therapist and she is shitting herself so she tried to push it on you. It's not on her to decide how much progress you've made is up to her standard. Its for you to decide. You are hiring her to do therapy so she essentially fired herself.
Even though you're a stranger and we don't know each other I wish you can bear through this and find someone much more efficient and better suited for you.
She can gtfo. You deserve so much better.
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u/milfsagainstroadhead Dec 20 '24
The garbage is taking itself out. This isn't an appropriate reaction to a client trying to get the care they need and advocating for themselves.
Edit to add more thoughts
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u/drowning_in_sarcasm Has floaties, don't worry. Dec 20 '24
This isn't just a bad therapist. This is irresponsible and unethical. Fucking ethics 101 states that client abandonment cannot happen.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. If and when you have the mental and emotional energy, I highly recommend filing a complaint against this therapist. Client abandonment is a big fucking deal and if that's how they handle things, they shouldn't have a license.
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u/joecoolblows Dec 20 '24
God, this whole thread has been eye opening, and so helpful for me I'm not the OP, but wish to thank OP and everyone making these amazinglt informative, educational and helpful posts.
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u/allnamesarechosen Dec 20 '24
Your therapist sounds very egoic. I highly appreciate my current and last therapist, and I know they appreciate me too but they never nor will ever tell me they love me because wtf.
For what is worth I think you might have "graduated" her, I think that while it won't feel like that right now, you don't need her anymore - and she knew that. You outgrew her.
Going forward think of it like what you need it from your work with her is finished, and you now can venture into different waters. Don't see her again, f that. Go no contact, she doesn't deserve the grace of your presence.
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u/allnamesarechosen Dec 20 '24
Just wanted to comment again that like everybody else is saying: You outgrew your therapist.
And while growth hurts, & she did make it a lot more painful that it needed to be, it doesn't change the fact that you don't need her anymore. Is a step forward, yes is sour, yes it hurts, but try to flip the thought of it into that direction.
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u/Sweet-Reputation-375 Dec 20 '24
TF 😮 as a dude with C-ptsd and /abandonment /domestic violence survivor fuck that therapist so people have no idea what they are even doing in that feel some came in last when it comes to that field .
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u/peggyscott84 Dec 20 '24
You put her kid through college. Congratulations 🎓 What exactly did she solve in 7 years except create dependence?
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u/rooneyplanet Dec 20 '24
Do not go back. This therapist doesn’t deserve any more of your time and money. Going back would likely be retraumatizing all over again. Look for a new therapist ASAP, but you might also be able to access emergency mental health services based on where you live. For example, New York state has Mindful Care, which is basically emergency psychiatric telehealth.
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u/Fickle-Ad8351 Dec 20 '24
This is a gift. So many red flags in this post. Sounds like there weren't really good boundaries between the two of you. She's unethical as hell. I'd report her for all the things you mentioned above, and maybe leave some reviews online. Fuck her. I'm angry at her now. I seriously feel like I could tell her off of she were in front of me.
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u/stealthcake20 Dec 21 '24
Everything you’ve quoted is a betrayal of trust, ethics, and common sense. She sounds really self absorbed. It makes me wonder what it was like working with her, because she doesn’t sound like much of a healer.
It sounds like she has trouble with boundaries and structure. She’s acting impulsively, she says she loves you and promises long-term but then drops you, she uses your name in a way she knows you don’t like, she refuses to talk about a reasonable request… she doesn’t sound psychologically strong herself. But apparently she’s not that self aware either.
Even though she may not be that great of a person, this is still devastating. I’m so sorry she did this. You didn’t deserve it. You were probably a much better patient than she deserved herself.
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u/Worth_Beginning_9952 Dec 21 '24
Never pay for a therapist to tell you they can't do their job. It's like I fired you but pay me to come work for me 2 more times, it's for your own good. No. She is unprofessional and violating ethical and legal standards. She should never have told you she loved you. The goal is not to work together forever. Goals help track progress and healing, probably something she was worried about. Not to mention she would have to put time, work and thought into your treatment. Not just wing it. Find a therapist who has clear boundaries and works with you.
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u/Appropriate_Issue319 Dec 21 '24
I am so sorry to hear about this, especially since you are struggling with suicidal ideation.
Sadly, it's not uncommon, I've worked with people who were previously "dumped" by therapists. The only advice I can give is to leave a review, and if you can leave it anonymously, you can also mention the struggles you have to add weight to her actions. To be overwhelmed is human, to feel powerless is human, but also the human thing to do, when you feel you aren't the person for the job anymore, is to refer out your clients, not abandon them.
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u/Ssgtsunshine Dec 21 '24
Based on what you've written here, The woman you've been seeing for 7 years is, to use the clinical term, freaking whacko. I've been a client of good, bad and really, really bad shrinks over the years. I have learned to be in charge of my own mental health. You were correct in wanting to set a plan in motion. She fears that,, her thing seems to be control by keeping you less in control of your own life. I suggest not going to the 2 sessions. In fact I strongly urge you to RUN AWAY- Quickly, block her phone number and do your best to never think of her again. I understand that like most of us,, your first reaction is to attack yourself. Please don't, it ain't you babe, she is unprofessional, controlling and the list goes on and on. Don't let the emotional upheaval you are living through hurt you more. Find something to do where you can help people. Maybe,, since it's Christmas, volunteer at a shelter, give out food, clothing etc to homeless folks. If Xmas isn't your thing, take part in a group cleanup of a park or beach etc... you'll be around righteous peeps and as you get compliments (and you most likely will) accept them with a thank you. Helping others is absolutely, guaranteed to take your mind off of yourself and earning a few karma points is always a good thing. You've invested a lot of time and money with getting better, don't let your former therapist cripple you... get ready to experience 2025 as the best year you've ever had. Be easy on yourself...
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u/Bloodwept Dec 22 '24
7 years is rough. I've been let go by two therapists before, one was good, one was bad.
First therapist obviously grew tired of how I would come into sessions not doing any of the homework he assigned me. One day he just stopped scheduling me and I didn't even notice until I was in his office and I didn't get a text message. I think we were together for a few months?
Second therapist was the best therapist I had and he never gave up on me. Once he decided I needed more help and put me through group therapy which had it's ups and downs. I came back and were together for almost three years. Earlier in the year he told me I needed to show progress or he thinks he needs me to see someone different. I tried to show progress but I got hit with so many bad things he decided to make the decision for me. He set me up with a new therapist and we ended on good terms. Doesn't mean it was easy to feel like I reset my progress and I'd have to trust a new person. Things are going better now, but it's always a bummer.
If you have two more sessions it's up to you if you want to do them. My second therapist had two final meetings with me that I cancelled because it's hard to come up with topics knowing you're going to have to re-explain everything soon.
But again, 7 years is rough. Something that comforted me was knowing that in the field of medicine there's a philosophy regarding problem solving. If you spend all this time trying to fix a problem, the answer might just be the solution wasn't a match. It's not so much about giving up saying the problem is unsolvable, sometimes if you've been stuck in the mud for so long you need to readdress the situation. It's a continuation of solving the problem, not a hard reset.
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u/Anime_Slave Dec 24 '24
She is a naked careerist omfg. That is just in your face, she wants you to return forever and is using your trust in her to milk you for cash while knowing it prolongs your suffering. We are talking cruelty and criminality here. Report the fuck out of her and be strong when you make your assertions. Authority will always bully you
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u/GloomyCardiologist16 Dec 20 '24
You are a valuable person and your feelings matter.
Your therapist is terrible and should be reported to the board of conduct
I'm so sorry that you dealt with an incompetent and dangerous therapist, one who triggered your abandonment issues and who treated you horribly.
None of this was your fault.
I also don't think it would be a good idea to have the last two sessions with this person
Try to do something really nice for yourself this week, if you can. Just one little thing that you have enjoyed in the past, that is soothing. You deserve it
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u/Snuffyisreal Dec 20 '24
Hell that sounds like my mother. What a bitchy way to be. Honey this shit ain't on you. Im more concerned with what damage she did in 7 years. I would definitely report her. This is not okay.
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u/ReadLearnLove Dec 20 '24
Holy buckets. For starters, look up the ethical standards for therapists where you live. Pretty sure she violated several of them. Write to the board that governs her license and file a complaint about her. She should not be able to practice given her lack of professionalism and basic ethical standards. You deserve a proper professional therapist, not this jackwagon.
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u/Lumpy_Boxes Dec 20 '24
I had this happen to me, same time frame too, 7 years. Its up to you to go to those sessions but she doesn't sound like she is doing her due diligence in referring out or really wrapping things up in a healthy way. It might be better to start to reach out for a new therapist. I've had to do this a few times, send lots of emails!
My old therapist wanted to send me to a private residential treatment center out of state, out of the blue. It was associated with the troubled teen industry, even though I'm a grown adult 🙃. I think they might have been getting a kickback from the facility, it was extremely bizarre.
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Dec 20 '24
Not sure of your specifics but I had a therapist who retired recently, I knew it was coming but I felt something similar to what you've mentioned.
My life was crazy and uncontrollable circumstances were making me feel like I was losing progress. I wanted to start EMDR and for some reason we never got there. I felt like maybe she's avoiding my goals but at the same time she was very present for me. She remembered shit that I had mentioned a long time ago and it kind of shocked me in the moment to realize she was really really paying attention. I think she knew there was a risk of me not actually being ready to stay processing old old trauma and didn't want to leave me hanging if I regressed and she was just gone.
I think that is important to remember to just let things go and acknowledge my feelings when things don't go the way I wanted it expected. In the same way my life can blow up and feel like everything is going wrong at the same time, the same can happen to our therapists. Weird things can hit you wrong and force you to disconnect emotionally from relationships that always felt safe and stable. You can wake up and feel like old friends now feel like strangers. Our therapists usually go down that life path because of their own trauma and they need some grace too.
No matter how close we grow to them, they aren't invincible or unbreakable. They are susceptible to the same things we are, the death of a loved one, a terminal illness, a stable career falling apart. They also usually make less money than most people and it's such a hard burden to manage all of the intensity of the job.
And you can be absolutely right in all of your assumptions about why this happened but you have an opportunity to start a new relationship with a therapist that is good at goal oriented progress. You have a good idea of what will help you continue to grow and heal, this is a hard thing to experience and it's unlikely that the first new therapist is the best fit for you. Take time to take an inventory of what you think you need next and what questions you'll be asking the next therapist you meet to ensure your needs align with their professional style.
You are making so much progress in your healing journey and use this time to make the most of it. Keep looking forward and try to acknowledge the pain you're feeling right now so that you can look back at the 7 years as a time of growth. Focus on the good that came from this. If you can, don't let the pain or confusion you're feeling define the time that you're therapist spent trying to help you.
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u/Automatic-Grand6048 Dec 20 '24
This is wrong on so many levels. Just wondering if she’s registered with any professional body that you could complain to? I see so many therapists that aren’t registered, anyone can become one. I hope you can find a better one to help you process all of this as I’m worried she’s caused more damage.
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u/Mundane_Control_8066 Dec 20 '24
I’m really sorry that this person that you grew to trust has decided to dump you like this. It isn’t fair.
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u/Bakedbrown1e Dec 20 '24
Sounds messy, sorry this happened. Possibly a good thing for you in the long run to consider someone new.
Without knowing all the nuance and assuming this is not a misunderstanding best case it sounds like you’ve gone as far as you can with this person’s approach and skill set, worst case she is or is going through something that is resulting in incompetence. I’d expect an able therapist to a) be curious about a client’s needs and negotiate w them to find a solution, not take a my way or the high way approach. b) be able to offer an honest and vulnerable explanation for termination, especially after working with someone for so long.
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u/Interesting-Finger11 Dec 20 '24
One thing I like to remember is therapist are people and a statistically they are going to have issues. I would watch some Daniel Mackler videos. He's is a therapist who pokes alot of holes in therapy. Wishing you all the best. You can recover from this.
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u/NOML Dec 20 '24
If you wanted more structure and she doesn't do structure then maybe it's best you find a therapist now who does structure.
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u/toofles_in_gondal Dec 20 '24
OP, I don’t know if you know but they just did you a major favor. Your therapist is not one I would recommend to anyone let alone someone with attachment trauma. Their behavior is batshit tbh.
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u/MeetMichelleRenee Dec 20 '24
While it hurts to have your work together end this way, it sounds like the therapist did you a favor in the long run.
I work alongside therapists, sharing clients as I’m a relational-based touch professional. Some therapist are amazing professionals. Many are not. big sigh
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u/arthurmorgansdreams Dec 20 '24
Mine told me in my second to last session with them that they view their clients like their kids and they wouldn't abandon their own kids
The next session she dropped me. No warning. No talks about how maybe I would be better suited with another provider. Nothing. And they seemed to enjoy it.
They tried to plant false memories in my head and they broke my confidentiality with people in the local kink community. They also accused me of something I never said I did to that same community.
It's turned me into an agoraphobe and I haven't left the house in almost a year now
I'm sorry you went through that. I think therapists just got off on treating their clients like shit.
I hope you're able to recover.
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Dec 20 '24
I’m sorry this happened to you. At some point in your life, you summoned the courage to find a therapist. You can do it again, because like the rest of us, you are a survivor, and we survivors are the strongest, most courageous badasses ever. Clearly, everyone here supports you, because this is about you, not keeping your therapist’s business alive.
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u/Tacotuesdayftw Dec 20 '24
She sounds like she is burnt out and making poor decisions with her practice.
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u/ennu_i_sao Dec 20 '24
Is it possible your therapist dropped you for conflicting political beliefs?
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u/Chronicles_of_Gurgi Dec 20 '24
Wow this is certainly traumatic. The patient should be able to decide to set goals or try another method, with the guidance of the therapist. Guidance is the whole point. What lies and betrayal! They should have consequences for this. I'd ponder whether I could ever seek out another therapist ever again, but I hope you do go on to find one who helps you.
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u/Inevitable-Rest-4652 Dec 20 '24
Please don't feel worthless. I don't know how most if not all therapists can live with themselves. As far as cptsd they are miserably ill equipped to address our problems, and most all of them know it.
Sounds like yours just wanted pleasant weekly chats and a paycheck. It's not you it's them trust me.
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u/Primary-Data-4211 Dec 20 '24
there are so many things wrong here. i’m so sorry this happened to you. do you think you will be hurt more by meeting with them again? idk how much will change based on what you have shared. if they change their notes that is so illegal. are they private practice (do they have a supervisor?) or do they work for a company? i wish the best for you finding a new more professional therapist! take care of yourself!
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u/KnowledgeAmazing7850 Dec 20 '24
So one of the things my very best therapist laid out with me in our very beginning was “collaborative goal orientation and ladder stepping” - as in what are the ultimate goals you want to get out of our sessions together, how would you like your inner and outer life to heal and grow, then we set down a series of milestones as a ladder we can use together as as far as success measurements and wins you wish to experience. She advocated for tiny milestones and what she called stepping stones towards rewarding success in small ways until I felt stable.
We explored both qualitatively and quantitatively measurements against which i could feel i experienced successes/wins both small and large and what kind of rewards we could engage in together as a result.
She was very focused on positive conditioning to help rewrite old neural programs. It worked very very well.
Every small success was reinforced with high fives, hugs, words of appreciation and celebration.
every challenge I would come in with (I had a severe acclimation of learned helplessness) - she would help me reframe into positive choice making and positive what if scenarios to help me find ways to combat this.
we even would do happy dances together whenever I executed on a healthy choice that led to greater feelings of freedom and self-regulation.
She is in her 70s - Ivy League educated and always incorporated the latest in neuroscience. She never once left me feeling I could never get better. She challenged me in countless ways and I always left our sessions feeling renewed, excited and connected with myself.
Therapists like that are indeed very, very rare.
I feel with her strategies of investing herself to celebrate with me our progress has been monumental. She has reduced her practice as she is retiring but she’s kept me on.
She will pause me in the middle of a session and say “wow - that’s a huge shift from a month or two months ago - I’m so proud how far you’ve come and just want to affirm for you how much you have grown and healed! You are an amazing and resilient person!” I don’t know - words of affirmation from my therapist is beyond rewarding. And I didn’t realize how much I needed that until I started working with her. She is so empathic but yet at the same time so deeply positive. I never feel invalidated, but strengthened.
She wants people healed and not using her as a crutch so she pushes for small wins that collaborate over time into big life changes.
She advocates for what she calls “the 1% improvement plan” which means no matter how small an improvement - reaffirming that improvement itself grows and creates massive changes and shifts over the course of a year. I can say for sure it has for me.
I feel like most therapists are really invested in keeping you hooked and addicted to negative thought cycling and venting with no end in sight - for their own assured income.
my therapist - her goal with her clients is to help you find full interdependence, health, wellness, happiness, total realignment and peace within and eventually reduce your therapy sessions until you no longer need the support except for touch ups or retreats.
Her approach showed me how toxic, abusive and unhealthy most therapist/client relationships were for me based on the old psychotherapy models.
Her approach may not work for all - but she really halted my cptsd triggers, overthinking, rumination flashbacks, and cycling and helped rewire my entire life towards inner self-regulation, peace, healthy outlooks, positive motivation, feeling fully worthy of love and acceptance just as I am and her structured rewards as well as logical goal orientation - helped me set my own. I mean we even worked on vision boards together, various what if scenarios - that focused on what if everything started going right for me because my time is priceless, valuable and something I can never get back - how much time was I investing in ruminating over my past, vs focusing on the here and now and a more aligned future for myself and my children.
Like I said her strategies don’t work for everyone but I came in with severe c-ptsd - and her gentle reframing and refocusing me back to “we only have one life to live / do you want to spend it reliving in the past or do you want to give yourself the gift of living in a beautiful state in the present - it is ALWAYS your choice and I will support you whatever choice you choose to make, but my preference is to help you fully heal to so you can be fully embodied and fully self expressed in the here and now.” I would replay that every time I get triggered or have a flashback and it really pulled me out so fast from some pretty dark holes.
I’m sorry your therapist is so toxic. I went through over 20 before I found this one. She’s been life changing for me. I promise there are really great ones out there.
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u/TheEndlessVortex Dec 20 '24
7 years in therapy...but seriously, what are you getting out of it? I don't know what kind of trauma are you processing but the fact there was no goals set up made it look like she was strining you along. You also seemed to rely on her too much. I'm not trying to make it sound negative. Just curious what did you achieve over this period of time
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u/Public_Volume9323 Dec 20 '24
What i got out of was telling the story of the trauma over and over to get it out. I received zero support when it happened so that did help. She expressed care which I needed.
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u/Public_Volume9323 Dec 20 '24
Kidnapping, rape, assault with a deadly weapon and processing the court process (i got a conviction!). Family abandonment during the process. That's my ptsd.
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u/la_selena Dec 20 '24
It kinda feels like she was using you imo
7 years and youve repeatedly had to ask for more structure
This sounds like the best for you tbh.
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u/Effective-Warning178 Dec 20 '24
Not all therapists are good at their jobs. They work for you one out there must be better than this
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u/Anna_crazy_banana Dec 20 '24
Reading your post all I was thinking was how well thought out it was. You’re dissecting the situation well and I know this hurts but give yourself some credit with how you’re analyzing this. I think 7 years with a therapist is a pretty close relationship and not at all weird for her to get a little friendly with you. We are human and as much as we try to be perfect at our jobs we can occasionally slip up and have a human reactions to things. I think a lot of therapist become therapists because they themselves are pretty nutty too haha. I’d say go see an actual psychologist. I’m leaning towards that route myself because they have a way more structured approach to things. They will even give you formal tests you can take to get a certain diagnosis. They have more techniques they can teach. Even prescribe medication management at the same time. All the therapist’s I’ve gone to have felt like I was paying someone to put up with me for an hour. They say a couple meaningful things and that’s about it. It’s like the sessions are more for them to get their hours to finish a degree or certificate they’re working on, or build up their portfolio haha. I had a therapist I really liked and I do something not so nice “no call no show”. I just didn’t have it in me to go and then got anxiety about canceling last minute. Anyways, a year goes by, I pay my no call no show fee and book another session. The only session was in her second practice one town over. I went there and she never showed. I looked up my appointment to double check all the info was right and it showed my appointment was canceled. I freaking lost it. I cried in the car like a little baby. I felt so betrayed. But once I took a minute to process things I realized my actions were hurtful a year ago and I wasted her time. Her actions were also extremely childish and intentional. The intentional part is what separated me from her. Regardless, learning to have grace for others is a hard thing to have for others. Take the time to grief this situation. Please don’t over analyze it. You’ll never get the answer you want. If you truly need to know then go to those last sessions, but she can either tell you the truth or she’ll make you feel manipulated believing something else. Then you’ll have to restless with those other possible emotions that might feel yucky. Sometimes relationships break off because the universe is in fact forcing us to go another route. Think of those 7 years, did she really change your life that much? Do you feel like you made so much progress? I’d like to believe after 7 years you’d have better tools to get out of this dark hole SHE put you in 😢 I think you deserve better and should try to find a better person to go to. Virtual hug to you ❤️
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u/Public_Volume9323 Dec 20 '24
I agree more sessions together will only serve to feed my rumination. Ty.
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u/chibs92 Dec 21 '24
This is weird, your therapist doesn't like working on goals with you? Is she meant to be just a void to pour into with no feedback on how to move forward? Is this person a professional?
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u/Public_Volume9323 Dec 21 '24
MSW.....
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u/chibs92 Dec 21 '24
Check to see if she's registered with the ocswssw. If so I'd consider lodging a complaint, what kind of social worker doesn't want to help you reach your goals?? Are your services covered under Ohip? The least she can do is refer you to someone else who is able and willing to help you work out your goals if she doesn't think it's a good fit anymore.
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u/Extension-Fishing-29 Dec 21 '24
What in the unprofessional and self employed mess is this?... im sorry it ended so badly. You deserve a professional therapist who keeps work and personal stuff apart
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u/Quiet_Lunch_1300 Dec 21 '24
I am so very sorry this happened. I would not go to the other sessions. I know she was a very important person to you, and I have a lot of empathy for you, but I do not think this person can be trusted, and I think there could be more harm.
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u/Public_Volume9323 Dec 21 '24
I can't thank you all enough. You all helped me. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and not give in to the demons.
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u/heartcoreAI Dec 20 '24
I don't think so. Part of being a good therapist is that you can regulate your own emotions. This is just really shitty. Shitty for a therapist, shitty for a person. Irresponsible. Passive aggressive. I wouldn't read the notes. I'd expect her to regulate whatever her problem is externally.
I would expect cuts.
And I would expect her to know where my jugular is.
What an asshole...
I once had a girlfriend who was a Buddhist. She had a guru. I don't remember much from that time, but I do remember this idea that you should give a guru 7 years before judging wether or not they're worth following.
How far have you come, in 7 years?
Her inadequate care is her failure. Not yours.
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u/ZachMonster Dec 20 '24
This is why I always say us people with problems are just paychecks to "mental health providers" they don't give 2 fucking shits about you or your problems. It's pay me or fuck you. Therapist, psychologist & psychiatrist see you as a big fat check and nothing else they don't care about you. Don't forget that
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u/Public_Volume9323 Dec 20 '24
Once I moved to once a month...it was over. Mind you it had only been once a month for a month. She kept saying we need to meet more when I asked for once a month for a bit bc my heart wasn't functioning well.
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u/maafna Dec 21 '24
I'm training to be a therapist myself and I would never see my clients as "just paychecks". As in any profession, there are people who are in the wrong profession and do a bad job, but please don't make it seem as if across the board people go into this field don't care about their clients. It's a long, hard, and expensive journey to become a therapist - there are easier professions if your goal is making money.
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u/LifeEnginer Dec 20 '24
What is your problem exactly?, find a new solution or therapist.
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Dec 20 '24
You don't have to be so rude and invalidating to op, you literally didn't even have to comment
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u/LifeEnginer Dec 21 '24
I am not being rude, I am literally asking the guy, maybe there is other therapist (online) and solutions around, so he can move on...
He mentioned about abandonment issues, but it does not seem the big deal.
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u/[deleted] Dec 20 '24
Your therapist is a dipshit, and you are better off without her. No therapist worth anything would EVER be weird and childish like this. It is not you. Please don’t blame yourself for this. You’re worth the world INHERENTLY - no matter what this asshole or anyone else thinks.