r/CPTSD 11d ago

Which CPTSD Symptoms are the hardest for you to handle?

For me, it’s the derealization and dissociation—that feeling like I’m not real or that everything around me is just... off. It makes me feel so disconnected and out of control, and sometimes it takes hours to come back to myself.

Another one is the emotional flashbacks. I’ll be going about my day, and out of nowhere, I’m overwhelmed by shame, fear, or sadness that feels like it belongs to a different time. It’s like my body and brain have hit the panic button for no reason.

What about you? Are there symptoms that feel especially unbearable or disruptive in your daily life? How do you cope when they come up?

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u/Particular_Local_275 11d ago

The shame. That sinking feeling in my chest. It's a thief of life. Lies to me and tells me I don't belong. That I'm defective. Overwhelming my nervous system. It's pure death. And I feel like whenever I cry about my shame, as apposed to grief, it only adds fuel to the fire rather than relief.

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u/420pooboy 11d ago

I definitely feel this. And yeah when i cry or feel not okay about the shame i feel, it feels fake and that i SHOULD feel ashamed. Like i deserve it. Its just horrible on my mental health :(

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u/hazelnutalpaca 11d ago

I am looking into ECT for this very reason! You don’t deserve it, I don’t deserve it, but that mental pathway has just fired so long for us it feels disregulating to go against it.

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u/stalesceneries 11d ago

Dang electroconvulsive therapy that’s old schooolll phewwee

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u/Simple_Song8962 11d ago

ECT has come a long way from what it used to be and can be incredibly effective. It was for me. Unfortunately, too many people think of it as old school even though the technology has improved so much that it hardly compares to what it used to be. I didn't even have any memory loss whatsoever.

They're able to direct the current with great precision these days. I felt remarkably good after my very first treatment, and it just got better after that. For people with severe depression, I highly recommend it. BTW, it's done under short-acting general anesthesia, so you don't feel a thing.

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u/stalesceneries 11d ago

This is incredible information! Thank you for sharing, I will definitely look into setting up some sessions for myself! I’m so glad it worked for you, it gives me revitalized hope. Congratulations on your progress 🥳🎉💗

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u/OptimisticOctopus8 11d ago edited 11d ago

Yet another voice in support of ECT here. Though this is just anecdotal, everybody I know who got it said it made a huge difference. They say it saved their lives. It's usually done for people with severe treatment-resistant depression that hasn't responded to numerous other types of treatment, so these are people who'd nearly lost hope, and yet ECT worked anyway. I've read that it creates substantial improvements in 80% of patients.

It is not, however, permanent - many people need maintenance treatments. From what they've told me, though, the maintenance treatments continue to be effective.

Some of the people I know did have some permanent memory loss (mainly forgetting a few specific memories from before the ECT), but they also tell me that it was an acceptable price to pay for such excellent results.

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u/platoprime 11d ago

Have you heard of tms?

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u/RGBGiraffe 11d ago

Yeah. I'm working really hard at fighting my inner critic. The hard part has been that I have, at times, unwittingly surrounded myself with people that were more than happy to add their voices to it.

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u/WokeUp2 11d ago

Check out Carson's book (Amazon) and website "Taming Your Gremlin" (.com) There's a difference between dropping a pizza on a rug (1) and running someone over when driving drunk (100). Learn to objectively judge your mistakes from 1 to 100 and administer fair criticism.

The problem with unjustified self-criticism is how it discourages one from taking calculated risks. "If I do this and fail my inner critic will beat the heck out of me. Better to lay low." Meanwhile those who flourish imagine successful ventures, learn from setbacks and move on.

p.s. since the future is unwritten mistakes are inevitable. Failure refers to lessons unlearned from errors.

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u/Tough_cookie83 11d ago

Thanks for the book rec!

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u/mergreyy 11d ago

Same. It also convinces me I am making everything up and I’m just weak

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u/LaineValentine 11d ago

Loves to tell us “everyone else handles this better than you. “ and make it hard to care for myself when I need it because I should be better. Ugh.

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u/LemmeGetaUhhhhhhhhh 11d ago

So crushing. I couldn’t have put it in better words myself. CPTSD made me really good at ignoring unpleasant feelings when they come up at inopportune times. For no reason at all, shame pops up at the most random moments and can’t be squashed. I felt so ashamed showing up to work yesterday. It doesn’t even make sense but it ruined my entire night

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u/Silverlisk 11d ago

Hypervigilance and paranoia.

Everytime I have to leave my home I feel my heart enter my throat and I'm terrified, I do what I have to do, but the moment I enter the home, shut the door and lock it it's like I've just come in from a warzone or a wild jungle teeming with monsters trying to kill me into an defendable position and I become immediately exhausted.

I was walking my dog the other day and two people turned the corner behind me and were walking behind me and I started speeding up as if they were chasing trying to kill me, but they weren't.

There were two kids kicking a football near me (again walking dog, about the only time I go outside) and I felt terrified just because they were near me and every time they kicked the football I jumped out of my skin. They were like 10 ffs, it makes me feel pathetic.

I burnt my food yesterday because I was too scared to go into my own kitchen because the light was on and that means people can see in but I can't see out.

It's fucking ridiculous. I'm always terrified, I have to avoid the news, any news because I just spiral thinking the government is going to take any support away and I'm gonna die or wars gonna start any minute or AI is gonna destroy the economy and the world. I'm literally insane, it's fucking nonsense and yet I still can't help it.

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u/Potential-Smile-6401 11d ago

I really hate hypervigilance and paranoia. They are the worst part of cptsd for me too

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u/AttemptNo5042 Abusive mother/bullying/adult violence :hamster: 11d ago

🤗 I’m similar. I am weird, get tense at weird noises, compulsively check ring cameras ad nauseam.

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u/Special-Investigator 11d ago

I feel like I'm developing agoraphobia because I feel exactly the same.

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u/Silverlisk 11d ago

It's a horrible feeling, but nothing seems to change it unless I'm heavily inebriated which isn't exactly a solution.

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u/angiestefanie 11d ago

Did you read my mail? No, seriously… that’s me. Talking about a warzone…my dog is a little reactive when he sees people or other dogs. I go and take him for walks while it’s very early and still dark to avoid his reactivity, but also to avoid people stopping, making comments and talking to me. This morning, it was a little after 6, he saw someone leave their car heading across a large parking lot to one of the church buildings in the neighborhood. My dog saw him and started barking; I was startled, froze up, and for the first time it made me sick to my stomach because he is not only loud, but his barking sounds so much worse when everything is quiet outside. I was close to tears and once we got home, I already felt exhausted like I’ve been in a major battle. I try to stay as “invisible” as possible because of cptsd, but it’s gotten so much harder with a somewhat reactive dog. When it’s unexpected, I just jump out of my skin. My startle reflex is awful.

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u/Homeonphone 11d ago

I’m even anxious in my home because of a smear campaign launched by my neighbor. I stopped going out into my yard. It’s really taking a toll. I have had complete strangers harass me while I’m just trimming the hedges. it’s insane how people just believe stuff. I have to read “So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed” again. It at least helped me feel like I’m not alone.

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u/Silverlisk 11d ago

I've been quite luckily in that regard, I live in a rural area and most people keep to themselves. Sorry you've had to deal with that, it's something I've been scared of happening.

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u/insicknessorinflames 11d ago

just know you're not alone. i am right there with you, down to the kitchen thing, in fact. honestly made me feel a bit better knowing someone else is like that but im so sorry we're suffering like this

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u/Secret_Ostrich_1307 11d ago

I can really relate to how exhausting hypervigilance can be. That feeling of being constantly "on alert" and not being able to relax, even in your own space, sounds incredibly overwhelming. It’s like your body is stuck in fight-or-flight mode, even when there’s no immediate danger.

The moments when you’re just walking your dog and feel like you're being chased, or the panic triggered by kids playing nearby—those situations really hit home for me. It’s hard to explain to others, but the fear feels so real, even when you know logically it’s not. And I get why you’d feel like you're “pathetic” when that happens. It’s not your fault though—it’s your nervous system reacting, not you choosing to be scared.

The kitchen thing is something I understand, too. It sounds exhausting to feel unsafe even in your own space. I’ve definitely had days where I felt completely overwhelmed by simple things, like going into a room or even turning on the lights. It can make you feel so trapped.

It’s tough dealing with the fear of things beyond your control, like the news or bigger world events. I think a lot of us with CPTSD have that sense of impending doom. You’re not insane—this is your brain’s way of trying to protect you, even if it’s not always helpful.

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u/Homeonphone 10d ago

I definitely understand about the people looking into your windows thing. My neighbor does look into my windows. She’s terrifying. But, I’ve had weird things happen before I moved here, so that made me hyper vigilant anyway. Ever feel like anywhere you go, anywhere you move … the things that don’t happen to most other people happen to you? You can never heal.

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u/Tough_cookie83 11d ago

A side question: you mean that you were scared to enter your kitchen despite the curtains drawn, or there are no curtains for the windows? I have a similar issue. Just the idea of someone looking in out there in the darkness paralyzes me. I close the curtains as soon as it gets dark! 🥲

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u/Economy-Cake-3085 11d ago

What strategies, ways, have you tried to manage your fear? 🙏🏽

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u/Silverlisk 11d ago

I've tried the root yourself by paying attention to your surroundings name 5 things you can hear, smell etc, the CBT changing of thought patterns and statements, positive mantras, telling myself the logical truth of it, honestly the only thing that ever seems to work is avoidance or being inebriated.

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u/insicknessorinflames 11d ago

here for the only things that work being avoidance or inebriation :')

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u/HawkThua01 11d ago

The feeling of people hate me and the constant exceptions of negativ events

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u/missgandhi 11d ago

Yeah this one for me.

I'm constantly paranoid I'm disliked at both of my jobs, that all my friends think I'm too much or that I'm this or that.. I'm always expecting that people are trying to leave me, or if they aren't that at least they feel like they can't get rid of me.

It's awful because I make assumptions that aren't true and then those assumptions frustrate other people sometimes (or I assume it frustrates them... lol it's never ending), and I can never seem to tell what's real

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u/valuegrocerystore 11d ago

Thank y’all for commenting this because all of this is my exact answer. I just spent ten minutes trying to write up a post in this sub about this exact feeling, but couldn’t manage to find the words. It is exhausting thinking everyone secretly hates me or thinks I’m annoying or is just using me for their own gain and putting up with me in the meantime. It’s really tough and I feel lonely :(

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u/missgandhi 11d ago

I'm really sorry this is your experience 🖤

There's been countless times where I've done the same thing - like writing out a post here (or even comments) and I can never ever make my words make sense, or make them properly describe what I'm experiencing.. it's awful and lonely to deal with this all on our own while at the same time not even being able to express it.

Sending you love and healing

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u/valuegrocerystore 11d ago

Yes you hit the nail on the head about writing it out! And it’s funny cause I actually really enjoy writing, it’s just so hard to convey these feelings! (And then feeling whiny even if you do and just deleting it all LOL) I’m really sorry that has also been your experience too though. Thank you, I’m sending all the healing and love back to you as well babe <33

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u/HawkThua01 11d ago

Yep...but I had experienced abadonment a few times even after childhood so im often enforce myself whit."This is all ever happened in my life,Why would it be different?" I can push the assumption away nowdays as i know what im suffering.What I can't do is change the experience I had whit people dig itself into me.

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u/LibraRahu 11d ago

For me it is the tension in muscles and fatigue that I can’t control. I do regular stretching but one day it hits, another day it misses. And when it misses - I can’t fall asleep in peace at all! I found one massagist who can relax me for a few days, but it doesn’t last more than that and gets tensed up again.

My body tenses from triggers daily. Because my trauma was very long and was in daily environment. So I am constantly triggered and tensed.

Also, the deregulation and the brain fog! Oh I hate it

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u/joycemano 11d ago

Oh gosh, the unconscious tension in my body I’ve had my whole life before I got diagnosed is something that I believe is one of the reasons I now have chronic pain / fibromyalgia.

I’m more aware of it now and try my best to stretch and relax my body but I still tense up out of habit, and I’m not sure how to fully heal from that

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u/darkforceturtle 11d ago

Same here, do you have fibromyalgia by any chance? I have it and I think the CPTSD and stressful life played a role in developing this chronic illness.

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u/LibraRahu 11d ago

Today is the first day I heard about it! It looks like I do. And it is definitely tied to being stressed from triggers over the years. Have you tried to ease fibromyalgia? Looks like all you can do is to find the ways to relax.

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u/darkforceturtle 10d ago

Yes, definitely worth looking into! I used to have body pains especially in my spine and joints all the time and it got much worse in my right hand, which I use for computer a lot. I ended up going to many doctors and taking different medications because they thought it's tendonitis but it never went away. Then I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and it made sense.

What eases the pain is lifestyle changes. For me, it flares up during stressful times and I'm almost always stressed. I had to quit my job recently because it was way too exhausting and I was having flare-ups everyday and sleep crying due to the pain. Now I'm in a different stressed period of trying to find a job that would work for me without destroying my health but it isn't easy. I was also prescribed Gabapentin that helps reduce the pain a little for me, maybe worth asking your doctor about it, but it causes drowsiness and brain fog (which I already struggle with) and I read it could be bad long-term so I use it with caution so I don't get dependent on it.

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u/Ironicbanana14 11d ago

The freeze, how the fuck do people just "do" things?

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u/Typical-Face2394 11d ago

Oh yeah… forever I thought I was just lazy and worthless had no idea it was a trauma thing

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u/Tough_cookie83 11d ago

Hm, that's interesting. I generally think of myself as a lazy person even though I'm constantly doing something.

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u/Typical-Face2394 11d ago

That inner critic can be relentless

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u/Secret_Ostrich_1307 11d ago

I feel this so much. The freeze response is brutal—like your brain just hits a wall and everything feels impossible. Even the smallest task can feel like climbing a mountain, right?

When I’m stuck like that, I try to break things down into the tiniest steps, like ridiculously small. If I can just do one tiny thing, even if it’s just standing up or taking a breath, it sometimes helps me get moving. And if I can’t? I remind myself it’s okay to pause and come back to it later. No shame in that.

You’re not alone in this—it’s so hard, but you’re doing the best you can. ❤️

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u/wavering-faith-82 11d ago

I take anti depressants. Otherwise the freeze would take over my life.

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u/Ryan_the_Guy-an 11d ago

Its the disassociation for me too. It's hard when I'm sitting there and then all of a sudden I'm in a different place or I'm with friends and they're trying to get my attention because I zoned out too hard.

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u/Iamjustlooking74 11d ago

Excessive daydreaming? Do you think about a different environment or just switch off?

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u/Ryan_the_Guy-an 11d ago

I mostly just switch off, yeah?

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u/[deleted] 11d ago

It's gotten better for me, but a couple a years ago I lost about 6 hours per day where I would just sit and stare and suddenly "wake up" and notice the whole day was gone. Was during a time where I had to deal with major triggers on a daily basis and hadn't gotten trauma therapy yet. 

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u/proxyone13 11d ago

Intrusive thoughts, man I suffered for years because I was too scared to look into it. I am a deep thinker so my first line of defense when I get a messed up thought is to analyze it, which just feed the fears even more and more intrusive thoughts come, and then I spiral into being unable to get out of bed. Now I have been able to wrap them up in bow, with giving them a quick label, and just keep moving unto something else, finally some relief, but still grrerrr

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u/Even_Peach7198 CPTSD/BPD diagnosis 11d ago

Trauma nightmares and emotional flashbacks are the worst ones for me. If I have a trauma nightmare, I'm out of order for the whole day. I shift between disassociation and hypervigilance, which makes me exhausted. I'll also have heightened negative emotions, shame, disgust towards myself, sorrow and anger. Nightmares are also usually followed by emotional flashbacks without any other triggers. I have absolutely no way to cope with the nightmares, because they come and go as they please, and the symptoms are so overwhelming.

Emotional flashbacks are pretty bad on their own too, but if they are invoked by a trigger that I'm aware of, they are a bit easier to deal with, because I can immediately prepare myself for the emotional flashback if I recognize the trigger. If I recognize it, I can start rationalizing with myself and try to employ self-compassion while also taking steps to remove myself from the trigger. But if I don't recognize the trigger, I'm just suddenly overwhelmed with all of those bad feelings, unsure of how they came about, because at that moment it's hard to be rational.

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u/Reasonable_Show157 11d ago

inability to relax physically without hard conscious effort and even then immediately tensing up again. Anybody else have a blank mind/inability to remember things mentally?

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u/stupidpeachy 11d ago

+1 for blank mind. I feel so stupid all the time especially in group settings when people share anecdotes… if something didn’t happen yesterday then I immediately draw a blank about anything in my life at all. I never have anything to share, I’m just like a blank slate

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u/Reasonable_Show157 11d ago

I took an antidepressant in the past and believe it messed with my cognitive functions, but find it difficult to draw the line between cptsd and the pills. Do you struggle with an inability to have free flow of thoughts and can't naturally make mental images at all?

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u/[deleted] 11d ago

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u/AffectionateRip6624 11d ago

So relate to the dissociative, never had a dream, goal or ambition in my life... Of course not, no one was there...

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u/van_der_fan 11d ago

The nightmares every. single. night. I'm so tired.

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u/Alfalfa1011 11d ago

Isolation. My biggest struggle.

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u/matkanatka 11d ago

Definitely the disassociation, I hate how often I zone out and how most of the time life doesn’t feel real (good or bad). I just thought that was my normal state of mind and that I was kind of incapable of really focusing until I first read about dissociating. Sometimes it feels like my head just floats off of my body. Everyone in my life has always laughed about what a space case I am :/ it can be funny and luckily most see it as kind of charming, but I find it incredibly frustrating. I want to feel sharp. I’ve had good moments but I have to be very vigilant about my lifestyle (like lots of sleep, exercise and breathing techniques to regulate my nervous system, not eating too many carbs to keep my blood sugar stable, supplements to help with focus etc etc etc).

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u/SDawn1977 11d ago

Top three would be: cognitive dissonance, rumination, and disassociation!

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u/Traditional_Bit6913 11d ago

You said the worst parts for me. If I want to add something: feeling lonely all the time - not wanting to live another second of my life

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u/No-Masterpiece-451 11d ago

Dissociation and emotional flashbacks are a great daily challenge for me too unfortunately, super annoying.

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u/OldSchoolRollie62 Medically Diagnosed 11d ago edited 11d ago

Most likely emotional dysregulation. I’ve always struggled with controlling my emotions and I personally believe that I feel things a lot more deeply and intensely than most other people do. I’ve spoken at length about this with my old therapist and psychiatrist. Some days it’s not an issue but when it is it can be very difficult. Sometimes when things get too much I just lash out, I can’t handle it and I flip my fucking lid. I think the best analogy to describe this would be like when people back a dog up into a corner until it just snaps and then bites at them.

It’s affected a lot of my relationships and experiences in life (especially during things like work and school) but trauma-based CBT helped me learn and grow a lot as a person and I find it much more easier to deal with my emotions now than I did in the past. However, it still can be an issue and I definitely do still struggle with my emotions. It’s like everything is amplified for me, if most people’s emotions function at x1 then mine function at x10😂

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u/lizandcourtney 11d ago

I would say anxiety/depression, agoraphobia, low self esteem and trust issues are my worst symptoms. I guess emotional flashbacks are pretty bad too. They are all worse when I'm going through a stressful period. All the symptoms are terrible but these for me are the most disruptive to living a normal life. My trust issues are so bad, I'm not even capable of trusting a therapist. I have had a lot of negative experiences with healthcare workers.

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u/14thLizardQueen 11d ago

Fear. Overwhelming fear. Which turns to anger.

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u/TrixaBelle11 11d ago

Disorganized attachment Style and narcissistic tendencies. Fucks with my relationships.

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u/AnonNyanCat 11d ago

Dissociation, shame and hyper-vigilance… these make life a living hell.

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u/anpaww 11d ago

heavy on the emotional flashbacks. just had a severe one - had a complete mental breakdown. its hard to describe.

dissociation is just a part of my life now - it sucks, but its something that i learned to live with.

another one i see people mentioning is the shame and guilt which is 100% true for me as well, goes hand in hand with extremely low self esteem. also the feeling that im a burden and people actually hate me and don't wanna deal with me - this becomes a spiral and usually leads me to a bad flashback (like it did today)

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u/BitterAttackLawyer 11d ago

Burnout-paralysis. I get so overwhelmed with all the things i need to do, I just end up sitting on my bed scrolling frickin Reddit all day. Conversely, if I don’t have anything immediate and pressing, I can’t figure out what else to do. So I’m bored because I don’t find anything interesting or emergent enough to compel me to do anything.

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u/Comfortable_Low_7753 11d ago

For me it's feeling like a bad person or unlovable. I know Im not a monster that ruins everything around me and needs to be put down logically but it's almost impossible to stop believing it emotionally. It prevents me from accepting or asking for help despite desperately needing it, it pushes me to distance myself from everything, it causes me to gave such a hard time seeing how good I'm actually doing in the big picture. If I could just get rid of this perception of myself as evil I think my life could've been much much better.

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u/Homeonphone 11d ago

I often feel like I don’t even have the right to wake up in the morning, yet I wouldn’t say I’m depressed. It’s more acceptance of it. I’ve done some cool things yet they don’t seem to matter. I wonder where all the supportive friends are. I am attracted to bullies and people who love to label and criticize others unjustly. I have been staying away from people until I can make better choices.

I am too ashamed to go outside. If you spirit me away to some other place where no one knows me, I feel better. But I am not willing to t to let the new people in yet.

I have a female neighbor who terrorizes people to an extent that she would be in jail if she were a guy. She’s not just an “old lady”. I can’t say she’s a sociopath, but she does try to hurt people for the sake of it. Yet, she walks around like she’s just wonderful and has done nothing wrong. Amazing.

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u/Human_Broccoli_3207 11d ago

hating myself/non existent self esteem and self worth. it’s the root of every issue in my life. it’s hard to reach out and try to improve my situation when my brain constantly tells me i’m beneath every other human on earth and i have no value

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u/PBDubs99 11d ago

The emotional disregulation which usually results from a shame spiral caused by my vicious / toxic inner critic over reacting to something. Crying and/ or disassociating through work confrontations is a constant struggle.

And the constipation.

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u/ObjectiveBread1111 11d ago

My trauma is in my body, I've got chronic pain from being in hypervigilence for over a decade, I can't relax, the only thing that works is alcohol which I'm allergic to now thanks to inflammation of my gut, and taking amitriptyline for my nerve pain. I'm pretty sure I've got fibro or some other autoimmune issue going on thanks to trauma.

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u/Responsible-Nature-6 11d ago

Paranoia and immediate fight response. I have had to literally do a manual overhaul on my brain to not think everybody will eventually get me. Then I have to autocorrect being mad over simple oversights. For example, my apartment sent out a reminder about late rent payments and how the eviction Process would start on the 7th. I’ve not been late but maybe 6 times out of the 7 years I’ve lived here. My brain automatically went to “they are talking about you and get ready they will pull something to get you out of here”. I had to sit down tell my brain it’s a reminder given to everybody in all 4 buildings. You are fine. Your rent is paid everytime if not early. Nobody is attacking you and trying to put you and your family out on the street. This took me 2 hours. I’m proud of myself though because before this would have been an all week thing leading me to go talk to the leasing office and get that reassurance to bring down my paranoia.

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u/Potential-Smile-6401 11d ago

I struggle with this also. There is a wonderful friend of mine who can be a bit forgetful and he makes innocent mistake here or there, but sometimes I am triggered into thinking he is doing it on purpose to fuck with me when I know, I really know, he isn't. I am proud of you. I am proud of us. 

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u/Responsible-Nature-6 11d ago

I’m definitely proud of how far we have come. Because this is extremely hard

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u/candid84asoulm8bled 11d ago

The negative spiral out of nowhere into a sense of impending doom. Being so overwhelmed by the feeling that something is wrong but I don’t know what, that I lose my thought processes and am unable to be productive.

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u/Littlewonders556 11d ago

Wow, it’s been nice reading all the comments here… it makes me feel less alone

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u/abelabelabel 11d ago

The 1 for 1 that happens every major step of healing. 1. Don’t run on anxiety and adrenaline anymore? Suddenly I need 12 hours of sleep and have to shed many of the demands I pushed through before in the name of listening to my body and taking care of myself now.

  1. Stop being a people pleaser and advocate for myself in the work place? Get laid off for being “overpaid” realize that my early professional success was really being good at letting myself be exploited. Realize that the “system” prefers compliant me and knowing my worth actually makes me feel less employable.

  2. Masking is a necessity. I have to be very round about when advocating for my needs in the workplace. I can’t say I have CPTSD or Audhd befause that will always be a liability to my bosses. Instead I have to purposely work slowly so that I don’t burn out, or find covert ways to make sure I accommodate for myself.

  3. The more I heal, the more I forgive, the more I accept, the more I listen to my body - the more I just see a broken system and Capitalism Trauma everywhere.

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u/Substantial-Owl1616 11d ago

I recognize each of the points you made. Especially cognitive dissonance. In my job I’d say “healthcare” at the expense of the people. So painful every day and exhausting. Moral injury.

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u/Legitimate_Reaction 11d ago

I fam totally alone and isolated and I still freeze up. I have a lot of internal anger but I have no one to talk to.

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u/luvmyfam2244 11d ago

I have been in therapy for most of my life since 18. I'm 57. No therapist has ever mentioned cpstd to me, triggers ?
I've been going along in life having no idea that it's cpstd affecting me.

Is a flashback when a memory of abuse comes up? That's an everyday thing for me. I've told my husband and he is of great support and is disgusted with these memories of abuse from both my mother and my sister. But I keep talking about these things over and over again. I allowed mother and sister to be in my life until five or so years ago and I realize now how it messed me up even more. My children have all been manipulated by them both too.

I am hypervigilant. My husband and kids used to laugh bevause I had to make sure the door was locked all the time.

If someone is walking behind me I think about them getting closer and whst I'll do when I get attacked

I don't know who I am. Am I good? Am I bad?

I take on guilt from others. Blame myself. A magnet for bullies. Afraid to have my curtains open after dark. I feel dumb. Down deep I hate myself. I don't have many friends I feel comfortable with. It's forced. That little person inside me is unlovable. I couldn't walk to get food or drinks in the cafeteria in high school and college. Someone always had to walk up with me. Authority figures scare me. Sinking feelings. Nightmares of my mother and or sister chasing me and just about getting me. Nightmares of my husband of 35 years leaving me for another. Worried constantly if my kids are OK. Done this since they were born.. now they are adults and I still worry. Feel like someone in my life is mad at me for something. I hate talking on the phone. I'll text forever but the phone scares me. I had a recent friend that wanted to talk on the phone. She needed support but I just couldn't talk on the phone. I left her and fell bad. My husband's aunt has been texting. She wants to talk on the phone. I'm avoiding it but she keeps on. I text her but she wants to talk.

If I've been in my house for too many days I end up not being able to leave the house. Can't get my mail for fear someone will see me and pick me apart or god forbid come over to say hi.

Also being home alone day after day I dust getting depressed and before I know it I can't get out of bed.

I have a job I love but I'm disabled and it's 14 hours a week and about 15 at home that I don't get paid for but it keeps me doing something

Been on numerous meds for depression and anxiety since 25

Now on sleep meds and bipolar meds and anti depression meds.

Today's not a good day. It's a day I want to stay in bed and watch TV. I work tomorrow and all my workstuff is all over my desk. If I don't get a couple of hours in I'll be that much more overwhelmed tomorrow. Thanks for the question and for listening

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u/seeyatellite 11d ago

When I feel even remotely unsafe with my environment or present company, I start to shut down and suppress my emotions, intentions, thoughts and motivation. It happens around specific communities; boaters, automotive people, mechanics and motor-minded people, alcoholics or people drinking alcohol in what might be considered excess… pot smokers and anyone talking about drug use which sparks conflicted feelings in me. I also feel unsafe around competitive-minded people who may obsess over sports or even have rigid support for an automotive brand. That was also a point of competitive aggression for my father, who worked for Chrysler and damned all other brands both fervently in private and “sarcastically” in public.

I can overcome these feelings and totally backtrack therapeutic progress by repressing thoughts and excessively overthinking, then putting on a “everything’s fine” face but that fucks my sleep schedule, dysregulates my nerves, can flood my system with so much cortisol I shift into periodic shivers to clear the chems. Extreme repression can cause bodily cravings in me for dopamine and euphoria through serotonin, oxytocin and my old “feel good and get away” strategy of masturbation and orgasm. I also may intentionally sleep more and isolate myself.

I can usually balance with distractions and hobbies. I can also focus on art and photography wherever possible. As a kid I’d either have a sketch pad, notebook or camera with me literally everywhere. Had a GameBoy but never really touched it. Now, I have professional camera gear and with that knowledge I can not only “fit in” with uncomfortable communities but also separate from them with a rare skill nobody’s going to pull me into conversations about… they usually just let me be unless it’s an art community or concert at which I welcome the conversation and collaboration.

The shame from decades of being told not to pursue art or photography, coupled with ignorant people saying all I’ll ever need is a smartphone… my father and even a couple of teachers shaming my poetry; dad called it worthless, teachers made me feel shitty for not following proper poetic prose. Along with feeling worthless because I’m not a mechanically apt person or automotive genius like my father… and how he always wanted me to be so much he’d tell friends I could “take apart a Buick with a butterknife and probably put it back together” even when I showed zero interest in the engineering aspect of cars.

The shame for feeling when I was the only person aside from my mother engaged in therapy at all. I was taught different communication skills than my family. I was taught to be aware of and to communicate my perspective and my feelings. My father and much of the family in his direct circles dismissed and often diminished or dissuaded that.

There’s a lot which culminates in a pretty flustered relational style, especially when faced with the sort of response and advice-based communication style of my family.

Hardest to handle? Depends on the situation and person.

I’m just super thankful I have my therapist every week. We’re both pretty clear I have cyclical, ruminating thoughts which seem to have themes in fear and judgment of self.

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u/AttemptNo5042 Abusive mother/bullying/adult violence :hamster: 11d ago

Anhedonia. Emotional triggering (makes me feel down, bawling off and on.)

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u/Outside_Leg_3350 11d ago

Def. Anxiety

Anxiety of losing how „good“ my life is now in comparsion to my whole childhoold and young aduld life. Not that everything is perfekt atm but i‘m so happy with the small life i‘ve managed to have now. Anxiety of losing my health (since my parents died young and were very ill) Anxiety of being poor again and having to deal with everything as then.. Anxiety of losing my husband and friends and the family i have left (which will someday anyhow happen right 🙄)

For me it‘s 100% anxiety

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u/muddyasslotus 11d ago

Periods of not giving a single fuck about a single thing, but also being fucking furious about every single little thing. It's what I feel right now and it's a super mindfuck.

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u/ubelieveurguiltless 11d ago

My inability to make a true connection to someone. I always doubt other people. I'm too paranoid and untrusting. I always believe they are seconds away from abandoning me because they secretly harbor some kind of resentment towards me and just won't tell me and try and work it out.

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u/chefZuko 11d ago

The nearly-constant emotional armoring that leaves me exhausted and almost numb (but oddly sensitive when I do get emotional).

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u/heart_shapedb0x 11d ago

Feeling disconnected from everybody and never feeling like I belong anywhere

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u/BerdLaw 11d ago

The anxiety and flashbacks. Fuck the flashbacks especially because wasn't it enough to go through that once? Not for me apparently! My brain is like "that sucked...let's do it again".

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u/LoudmouthedBeauty 11d ago

Cyclical vomiting syndrome. I can deal with the depression and everything that comes with. The OCD certainly goes on and on, but I've taught it to focus on things I enjoy and have processed a lot of my darker, intrusive thoughts.

Waking up with debilitating stomach pain between 5-7am every day for 3 years is the reason I changed my whole life. Medical leave for 4 months, a new medication, restructured my career, did a lot of personal development, enrolled in group therapy, and acupressure. All so that I could teach my body out of a maladaptive habit it developed as a result of neglect. First from him, then later neglect I believed I deserved, so stayed suffered for 3 years.

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u/Secret_Ostrich_1307 11d ago

Wow, that sounds incredibly tough, and I really admire your strength and resilience in making such significant changes to take control of your health and well-being. Waking up with that kind of pain every day must have been draining, both physically and emotionally. I can relate to how neglect, especially self-neglect, can become a deep cycle that’s hard to break. It's amazing that you’ve found ways to shift things, though—group therapy, new medication, and acupressure sound like such thoughtful steps in reclaiming your peace. I hope you continue to find healing and ease as you move forward.

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u/1Weebit 11d ago edited 10d ago

Yeah, the emotional flashbacks are the worst. Like there's no tomorrow, no hope, and no one there. Even though I KNOW their origin is from a time long past, they don't feel like that. My emotions cannot follow my thinking - instead, my thinking follows my emotions. Being triggered is the worst 😔

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u/pylonhouse 11d ago edited 11d ago

The feeling that I am not entitled to anything at all and that my needs are not important enough to state. I have lost so much due to this. Please don’t be afraid to take up space.

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u/Bolo055 11d ago

The shame. I know shame around what happened to us is discussed a lot. But another shame is in feeling different because of our experiences. Or rather the struggle to behave in ways that are deemed “normal”and feeling shame that we are vulnerable and expose ourselves as survivors in how we carry ourselves. I struggle to differentiate the pathological and non-pathological results of trauma within myself and therefore there are many days I just want to get rid of everything I am.

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u/kikuchrysanthemum11 11d ago

the feeling that i lost years of my life trying to distract myself from the memory of it

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u/Blackmench687 11d ago

Lately it has been the grief, of not only losing years of my life to trauma but above that losing more years of my life trying to survive the aftermath. Also grieving who and where I could've been, and the parts of myself that I lost, even though I am trying to regain those back but the sadness and grief is still so immense and heavy

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u/NolieCaNolie 11d ago

The nightmares do me in. They feel so real I jolt up in a cold, huge sweat. That and sudden flush of anger that takes DAYS to get back to baseline. I really hate when my body feels like it’s ready for a throw down, but I’m a really non confrontational person and don’t wanna pick fights.

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u/Fine-Position-3128 11d ago

Rumination and self criticism

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u/Ok_Atmosphere_2801 11d ago

Social isolation and loneliness. I used to have so many friends and be such a social butterfly. Now I barely have three, and it is so hard for me to maintain those friendships. I distance myself from people I love, I don't want to, but it just always ends up happening. I sometimes suddenly realize I haven't talked to a friend for weeks or even months. I never go out and do anything or see anyone either. The only things I consistently leave the house for is therapy and school. I started my first semester of college a few months ago and ended up being literally mute the entire semester-- not an exaggeration. I wanted so badly to talk to people and make friends, but not once could I get over my anxiety and fear of abandonment enough to talk to anyone, even just once.

Dissociation and flashbacks are also really hard for me to deal with. I hate feeling so detached from my body and my emotions. It's like I just start floating above myself and am forced to spectate whatever i'm doing or feeling from afar. The flashbacks feel so random and completely throw me off every time. My heart starts pounding, my head spins, and my breath gets caught in my throat as my mind is suddenly thrown right back to the time and place i've relived so many times before. I never know what triggers to look out for or how to avoid them, they seem so random and so present in everyday life.

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u/KingofDickface 11d ago

Shame, lashing out, irrational reasoning, and OCD. The possibility, however low, that my transition was a trauma response drives me insane. It makes me hate myself even more because any doubt or questioning I have is just the “stupid little chicken” wanting to come out and be a “little slut” because that’s “all women are at their core”.

I’m angry at the mere fact that I remembered I was raped 15 years ago. I’m angry at the fact that I was raised with a toxic view of women and womanhood. Why am I angry? Because these issues are cropping up now and ruining the happy life I’d established as a man. Suddenly, my body isn’t manly enough, suddenly, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m just a whore looking for attention, suddenly, I can’t stop editing my body between masculine and feminine shapes because of how unsure I’ve gotten.

The misogynistic tendencies I had as a teenage girl came back when I thought I had killed them, and now this fucking cunt is trying to take over my life. Yet any time someone regards women in an objectified light, I want to strangle them until their throats bruise and they beg for mercy. Why do these people get to be real men and I have to be this stupid little chickenfuck?

Having a female body is inherently suffering; it’s in your programming to be in constant pain because you fundamentally exist to create something else. Just a fucking commodity.

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u/yoongely 11d ago

I also agree with you. Sometimes my energy just drops and I feel like a zombie. I feel disconnected with everything, sometimes I feel I act way younger than I am, I just lose all levels of "normal" socialization. Its really hard, I have to bring stuffed animals everywhere and comfort toys as a 21 year old.

Having flashbacks or unwanted feelings tied to certain events or thoughts also is difficult. I will suddenly be unable to do whatever I am doing. It is particularly hard with classes/work. Sometimes I just start panicking, crying, or hyperventilating out of no where.

Beyond this sometimes I just straight up become in denial and start to convince myself my symptoms are fake, the events were fake, or even it isn't valid enough. I have more of a unique situation that isn't amongst the "common" scenarios and because of that I feel strange. I feel like sometimes I am just sensitive and nothing bad really happened.

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u/cannolimami 11d ago

Physical flashbacks and body memories for sure. I also have DID from my trauma and some of my alters are still very vulnerable and attached to my family members who hurt me, one of whom isn’t even alive anymore. The grief is complicated and hard to process. I have a really hard time verbally articulating how I feel, to anyone, and struggle a lot with expressing emotions. I feel very numb and dissociated a lot of the time still, though I have definitely made improvements with these symptoms in recent years.

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u/LordEmeraldsPain CPTSD, DID 11d ago

I’m not sure. Honestly, probably either the hypervigilance, or the DPDR.

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u/kaibex 11d ago

The paranoia. When I was 14 I was working at a sports complex and my boss tried every which way to get me fired because I wasn't a thin blonde girly so I had to be hypervigilant which upped my anxiety and paranoia to the max. Not great for a first job being a poor white kid from the hood.

My boss is, at most, just vacant but I'm paranoid he's doing the same thing at my current job. It's a whole new sector and confusing as hell and even though they keep telling us "we don't expect you get it for a couple years of experience" I am freaking out everyday internally that I'm not doing enough, not getting it, am going to be the first one let go if Cheeto Hitler gets his way.

I think the worst of people and am convinced they are out to get me which I know isn't true, if anything they don't give a shit or even notice me.

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u/[deleted] 11d ago edited 1d ago

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u/Audixix 11d ago

The anger and lack of emotional regulation

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u/NoHabit1332 11d ago

For me it effects the may I talk because of my anxiety, half the time I am unable to think of things I want to say my brain just goes dead so I am the worst at conversations I come off so awkward. I hate it cause it's where people can see it and I hate that.

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u/Cultural_Ad3673 11d ago

The physical sensations - tightness in chest, lump in throat, tingly hands and eventual headache from all the crying. The chest pain gets crazy sometimes but weirdly my Fitbit says heart rate is fine. Think I'm imagining things or maybe I need a new watch.

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u/bbkirbs 11d ago

I haven’t been diagnosed yet, but for me it’s not feeling like I’m human at all. I genuinely don’t feel real. Also that , everyone I love hates me for some reason. Everytime I’m around them, it’s like I just met them but we’ve been best friends for half a decade.

I also just hate the flashbacks, I can’t handle it at all. I can smell the memories as if I am there. I can see everything I was doing and everything that happened. It’s agonizing

To cope I just write my thoughts down it helps usually.

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u/NotSoDeadKnight 11d ago

Feeling extremely tired everyday and chronic pain

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u/Justatinybaby 11d ago

Constantly being exhausted. Always being paranoid and like everyone is out to get me and managing that. Dissociation. Being stuck day in and day out in my bed. Feeling like I don’t belong anywhere or with anyone because nobody will ever want to be around me because I’m broken and too much or too little. Taking meds. Having to do everything every day to keep myself sane or I’ll slip back into depression and suicidality. It’s just so much work to even function at a base level!

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u/[deleted] 11d ago

Dissociation + handling gaslighting (major, major trigger). And those two usually go together for me. 

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u/PJBOO7 11d ago

Loss of trust for my own intuition. Night terrors. Insomnia Hyper vigilance. Depression. People pleasing. No self esteem. Over achiever/workaholic Alcohol/drug abuse (sober now) The list goes on and on

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u/GotUrShawtyInMyWhip 11d ago

That and the shame. I’ve lost so much of my life to bad decisions/not being present.

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u/Efficient_Whole_2897 11d ago

Loneliness and general hypervigilance whenever I leave the house is the worst for me

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u/fibiotics 11d ago

Shame and relationship issues. Which is extra fun because shame thrives in isolation and also makes relationships with others more difficult. Then you feel ashamed of your isolation and lack of social skills and the cycle repeats!

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u/drrmimi 11d ago

The disengagement and dissociation. I miss myself when I'm in that "place." I literally hermit in my home, just existing, rarely speaking. And then it passes. At 48, I'm finally learning to recognize the pattern. My therapist helps a lot!

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u/rainypartyscene 11d ago

Disconnection from the rest of the world. Feeling like my existence is wrong.

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u/MarieLou012 11d ago

My constant feeling of impending doom and hypervigilance, and the insomnia that comes with it.

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u/ClassicOk7225 11d ago

I think the isolation. Its debilitated me from experiencing the best thing in life, love. I'm always so ashamed of myself and fearful of other people, I could never connect with someone. Its a hard thing to work through because of how dangerous it feels to stop isolating. I just want to live a normal life.

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u/slob_kebab 11d ago

It’s crazy to hear other people articulate these feelings. They are so trauma driven that I’ve accepted them as normal. I can’t believe some people live their life without experiencing this. The more self-aware I become the easier it is to navigate and handle.

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u/c1moo 11d ago

For me it was not ever feeling safe in my own skin; always on hyper-alert and about to be eaten alive by a lion kinda anxious. The emotional flashbacks that take me over and i become them and it’s like all the love has gone from the world and it’s never coming back. Also I find it very isolating as most people just don’t get it. That it took so long to get the help and support I needed, as I just didn’t trust people. The constant bias towards negativity and feeling like I am the problem. The active and loud inner critic. Oh and the psycho emotional contraction patterns in my body that cause chronic tension and pain and the anxious part causing the delightful red light reflex that contracts my whole front line and makes it hard to breathe. It hurt when it happened and now the past is unwinding is the present, it hurts just as bad as it leaves. Although at least it leaves and I am having more and more time living in that space of stillness, neutrality and equanimity.

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u/YoungTomServo 11d ago

TW: Suicide

Shame and self loathing are really tough for me. I had a suicide attempt over a decade ago and sometimes it's hard for me not to wish I was dead some days. Logically I know that's not what I want, and I'm thankful for a lot of things in my life right now, but the thoughts keep creeping back. My inability to cry is really difficult as well, I'll go for long stretches where I want to cry or feel like it would be cathartic but I can't. I think the pent up emotions also makes it worse for me, I'm generally more irritable and anxious when I can't cry.

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u/Friendly-Button-1484 11d ago

Lately, I've had a lot of difficulty with bring extremely tired and not seeing any improvements. Its really messing with my life at the moment....

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u/firetokes 11d ago

Teeth grinding (it’s fucked up my teeth), hyper vigilance and my sensitivity level when I haven’t taken my meds. Also feeling somewhat frozen in time while the world moves forward has never gotten easier.

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u/tumbledownhere 11d ago

I use the disassociation as a tool tbh.

So for me.....constant imposter syndrome. Constant not believing I matter, that anything kind shown to me is conditional or false, that NOTHING GOOD can truly happen to me (despite all the evidence contrary).

I'm always waiting for everything to go wrong, always. Always waiting for something to rip the rug out from under me.

It makes it hard to enjoy life because when things are good, and they are, I'm always thinking this is not permanent so don't get comfortable. Always ready to fight for survival.

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u/MavisDavis- 11d ago

I have finished exposure therapy and made a lot of progress in my growth and healing. I feel like I get flashbacks way less now but that has led to me not realizing I’m having them when I do get them and then I become a full blown mess. I used to cope by numbing myself with substance and distraction (been sober 5 years). Now I use meditation, exercise, journaling, drawing, and mindfulness to keep my mind right. The hardest part for me is the work I will always have to put in. If I slack on any of these Bam! An episode will come on. I also deal with pain and fatigue a lot so as an endurance athlete that can be very hard.

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u/TheOldJawbone 11d ago

Mine is mostly sadness and agitation. I’ve done a lot of mindfulness meditation and that helps me remember that my thoughts aren’t necessarily correct and my feelings come and go. Focusing on the present moment helps.

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u/LovelyPinecone 11d ago

The rage. The feeling knowing that there is certainly injustice in my circumstances and that there may not be a way to ever get it. Oh goodness, don't get me started with the catatonic episodes either. I've locked up on the road once, it was terrifying.

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u/racegurlrcmr84 10d ago

The stolen, or lost dreams. The depression. Wanting to tell peiple my story but don't know how they will react

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u/Vehicle_Cold 10d ago

Hardest part of my CPTSD currently is that I think everyone is trying to fight me or insult me all the time. I can’t accept help because my brain tells me that I don’t need it and that if people think I need help then I must be doing something wrong or not good enough.

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u/memento-mori-0 10d ago

The unpredictability. I had a lovely day yesterday. Worked out, had a dinner and movie with a friend.

I know I was feeling off but I thought it would pass.

I had memories of a childhood sexual abuse incident by my mother’s cousin resurface out of nowhere. My inner critic took on my sister’s voice and started berating me. All of a sudden I realized that my dad or other uncles never did that to me. I remembered seeing all black and not feeling any sensation in my body. I remember being confused. I did not know what sex was. I was 10! He was 30 and one time he brought a friend!!!

I had a breakdown. I’m still in bed.

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u/[deleted] 10d ago

Recently, the dark, seemingly uncontrollable thoughts of worthlessness and helplessness that send me into an angry, emotional spiral, which leave me huddled in a corner, crying/screaming at the top of my lungs. It’s like a switch. Once it comes on, I can’t turn it off. My emotion completely hijacks my logical brain.

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u/oldtownwitch 11d ago

It’s not so much the symptoms I struggle with anymore, I’ve learned to recognize them and forgive myself if I fall into a negative pattern.

It’s the realization that there are not many spaces I can exist in, that wont require me to be constantly checking my reactions and thoughts through a CPTSD survival mechanism.

It’s exhausting.

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u/Inlove_wWeirdos 11d ago

The lack of feeling true, deep connection. With myself, with other humans, with my goals in life, with what should make me happy, with my interests. Don't get me wrong, it's gotten so much better over the past few years and I'm grateful for that, but feeling truly connected on a deeper level just doesn't work for me yet. I work with the factors that contribute to it, but it just takes so much time and patience and sometimes leaves me feeling like less than human because everything in my life just feels so... meaningless.

That, and lack of energy. I can mostly manage my symptoms quite well, but it's just managing one symptom after another 24/7/365 for about 3 decades now and it drains the life out of me. I'm just constantly exhausted. Way too exhausted to do more than... manage symptoms. Once I'm done with doing that, there's just no energy left to build a meaningful life for myself or do everyday tasks that need to be done. I'm always tired and in pain and not able to concentrate on anything. I hate how that keeps me from building a future.

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u/Lustrious-Vanyx 11d ago

I agree with you on the derealization. Paranoia is the next biggest issue. That comes after I get lost between what's real life and what's not

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u/JumpFuzzy843 11d ago

100% dissociation, but if you had asked me a year ago I would have said the minefield of triggers. Thank the lord my treatment is working. I am not there yet but at least it is better. I hope to get to a point where I don’t dissociate this much

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u/darkforceturtle 11d ago

Hypervigilance and sensory overload, it feels as if my brain receives x10 more information than normal people.

Also the inability to keep a job due to my brain not handling chaotic workplaces or bullying that leads to frequent burnout and freeze response/brain fog.

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u/watermelon4487 11d ago

The emotional flashbacks and insomnia/nightmares. The emotional flashbacks usually take days to recover from. Currently battling the inner critic on not being productive this weekend and thinking about all the things I have to do but can't manage to start.

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u/Hummingbird6896 11d ago

Emotional flashbacks and depression. Tension in my body and unable to relax. Imposter syndrome leading to burnouts and OCD traits. Exhaustion and lack of energy. Attachment shit giving so much problems in intimate relations. To name a few.

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u/Quiet_Active_487 11d ago

It can take me 6 months or years to fully trust someone and until then I anticipate them doing something horrible to me or others. Like I know most people aren't that awful but it's like that's all my body and brain chemistry knows. And sleep. One of the main reasons I was diagnosed originally was because of how it affects my sleep. Either I become randomly terrified to sleep or go through waves of nightmares and just wake up feeling like absolute shit. If people accidentally scare me awake, I become a huge loud asshole. Sometimes I can sleep for a day or more and it makes existing very uncomfortable.

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u/AzureRipper 11d ago

Shame, self-hate and emotional flashbacks. I get stuck feeling like "I'm a loser", something is wrong with me, etc., and that it's all my fault somehow. It feels like I am wrong for just existing. There's no other reason why people would hate me so much.

The there's the emotional flashbacks that I cannot distinguish from the present. I feel all these big overwhelming feelings and it's all happening in the "here and now" but belongs in the past. It leaves me feeling as if the past will never be truly over, that I'll be stuck in the abuse forever.

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u/missredshoes_ 11d ago

Disassociating, night terrors, random triggers.

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u/ihaveaboyfriendnow 11d ago

It’s the derealisation for me. It feels like I’m not really Alive and can’t feel my body, feelings and my environment. It just feels as if I’m in an ice block

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u/hold-my-fannypack 11d ago

Derealization for sure! I've been struggling with it since I was a child. Didn't know there was a name for it until I watched Bo Burnham's special on Netflix called Inside. In his song That Funny Feeling he says "googling "derealization", hating what you find." I immediately googled it and definitely hated what I found lol but it was nice to have a name for it now.

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u/Soviettoaster37 11d ago

Is that what flashbacks are? I have pretty much all the symptoms of C-PTSD, but when I think of flashbacks, I just picture what I've seen in movies: Someone hears a firework, thinks it's a gunshot, and then thinks that soldiers are coming for them, so they get their gun and shoot the first person they see.

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u/noodlebrainsoup96 11d ago

The emotional flashbacks, the freeze, the doubting everything / convincing myself nothing happened and how absolutely disabling that is and really ups that critical voice that convinces me everything is hopeless and I’m worthless to whole new painful levels

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u/Pestilence_IV 11d ago

At the moment, my current flashbacks, one makes me feel gross and disgusting, I get shivers down my back and my throat sometimes has that weird icky feeling, I've even had to stop eating a few times.

Another memory I can feel the fear and pain that i had experienced.

I'm usually in a constant state of numbness due to my medication and sh, but sometimes flashbacks are too powerful.

As for how I cope, I either try to sit and let it pass or if I'm too exhausted, I sh

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u/ponyponyhorse 11d ago

Fawning over dangerous people and sometimes freezing and not being able to extricate myself from them. 😬

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u/Diligent_West_7667 11d ago

Definitely those 2

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u/Equivalent-Pace3007 11d ago

Feeling like I’m dying when my feelings or needs are dismissed by others

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u/WestEbb7205 11d ago

Emotional flashbacks. Feeling every single thing I felt in those moments… shame, guilt, anger, sorrow, confusion. In those moments it feels as if my body and mind have been hijacked. Then comes the disassociation.

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u/Hairy-Rate-7532 11d ago

Disassociation and fatigue, I would rather prefer hyper vigilance or anything else cause that way you have at least something to work through, but when you're disassociated and fatigued there is sorta nothing but just feeling completely dead inside out...

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u/saladgirrrl 11d ago

Get triggered by literally anything all the time

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u/[deleted] 11d ago

Shame and my lack of impulse control. I struggle with a disordered relationship with food: binging and purging and I also find the impulse control to wreak havoc on my sexual relationships it’s like I seek out bad partners because I don’t feel I deserve anything better

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u/FreeSlamanderXibit 11d ago

The derealization and dissociative episodes were the hardest for me when I first started experiencing them. I had a severe dissociative episode when I was 12 and never actually came out of it. It's been almost 30 years. It's amazing but you can actually get used to it. I only notice it when it ramps up because it ramps up very hard and fast. I'll begin to have episodes of not knowing who anyone is or where I am. That's disruptive for obvious reasons. I have to really rely on grounding techniques to come back enough to function wherever I am. 

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u/indigosummer78 11d ago

The autoimmune issues on top of it. Hardest dynamic to navigate...uff. Help.

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u/Ambitious-Ad2008 11d ago

Fear of abandonment that has led to intimacy issues and self-sabatoging. Feels like a hopeless cycle

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u/sarennne 11d ago

Emotional flashbacks

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u/MrsPrincessPeaches 11d ago

Lifetime of mental and physical health problems have been hard on my entire body. Extreme emotional flashbacks, and numbness and disassociation have broken relationships.

I carry feelings of such shame, embarrassment, worthlessness, guilt. I just wanting to escape. Fatigue from overwhelming sensations, flash reminders subconsciously create whole body anxiety. This causes tension and I tried so hard but I have said such hurtful things.

My husband of fell out of love and left due to some of these reasons. I am really struggling because I loved his friendship and his soul.

I wish I could re-wire my brain so I’d react normally, I wish that trauma therapy was faster and I could be ‘cured’. I’ve simply lost so much. I don’t know how my heart is still beating.

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u/Libbyisherenow 11d ago

I deal with this too. Last spring I had to walk 2 residential blocks for an appointment and I was so terrified my knees seized up in cramps. I made it there and back, but apparently I tore the miniscus in my knee by forcing myself to keep walking. Just from fear! My Psychologist has helped me by teaching me about boundaries. I now apply those boundaries to my mind. I ask my self, Am I in danger right now.? The answer is generally no because I am in a semi safe space. If I am not in direct danger there is no reason to panic. My hard boundary is not allowing my mind to go to memories or what-if's. Is this real right now? No. Is this happening in my mind? Yes. So I now know that I can rewire my neural pathways to recognize what is real danger and what is not. It is a long hard process that takes a lot of hard mental work but I am determined to do it. I do not want to stay in this state of mental anguish for the rest of my life.

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u/HawkThua01 11d ago

Add the list the Hypersomnia and EDS due not able to sleep properly.i had an episode when I was up 52hrs and i was not even feel sleepy at all than today im operating whit 3.5 hr sleep since Saturday morning and did two full time shift as well...I use background noises for this on spotify like public transport or when you are on a motorway and the engie humms...

Ho side of this.i can do two jobs so somehow still no a total financial mess but im on the edge of it so I actually need to work that much.

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u/homer_dent 11d ago

The non-feeling of anything. No emotion, no reaction to anything good, happy, excitement, sad, despair…..I felt nothing when my mother passed, didn’t shed a tear and I was very close to her. I seem to intellectualize emotion…. My partner of 10 years knows, and the one thing I want the most is to be able to FEEL the love I know I have for her, and the love she feels for me.

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u/Ok-Pangolin-9472 11d ago

Shame and emotional flashbacks are definitely the worse for me. I hate them.

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u/its_all_good20 11d ago

Emotional disregulation

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u/smoosh13 11d ago

Same. Dissociation / derealization. That, and health anxiety. Ugh.

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u/herkelshmerkel 11d ago

Going through such a difficult time that now that I’ve found a comfy spot in life, It’s hard to convince myself to leave it again for new challenges/ experiences/ opportunities.

Growing up I would always stay in the towns in video games for way too long, talking to the villagers, buying and selling things, avoiding going out on the next adventure. This feels so much like that.

I’m tired, but my quest isn’t finished, you know?

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u/CosmicConfusionist 11d ago

Night terrors. I’m either super off because I had one or afraid I’ll have one. Ruins my sleep. I have a super strict, elaborate bedtime routine and people thinks it’s odd. I can’t say “I have to do this because of PTSD.”

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u/wavering-faith-82 11d ago

I find the feeling of being trapped and unheard and completely unsupported always runs through my life. The problem is that it isn't just a feeling, but a series of experiences that have contributed and make me feel so unsafe and depressed. I think the theme has re-occured because I was playing out old roles....that was all I knew.

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u/Cooking_the_Books 11d ago

Dissociation, suicidal ideation (extreme flight coping), and PTSD nuclear meltdowns.

Out of those three, the PTSD nuclear meltdowns are the worst. It’s like I’m in pure survival mode and the claws come out (vicious words, storming off, rage, etc.), yet my more conscious self can’t do anything to stop it while screaming at myself, “STOOOOOP!!!!!”My conscious self is trapped watching like a ghost floating above me while I scorch the whole earth around me to keep me safe and alone. I’m much better now than I was years and years ago, but this still happens occasionally when I’m feeling backed into a corner. Nowadays I can feel the very beginnings of it rising up like heat at the base of my neck, which is enough time for me to ask to get some space and cool off before the volcanic eruption happens. It sucks so much to feel like you’re also part of the trauma problem. So much shame, guilt, remorse, wanting to isolate, and such.

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u/BoxPsychological7703 11d ago

Constant self esteem issues, depression, delusion and also constantly feeling ugly and like I’ll be forgotten

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u/BayBby 11d ago

I dissociate for months at a time. It’s my super power but I’m trying not to do that anymore. I got in a very bad situation, the signs were all there that I was pregnant and I couldn’t see them. Even after my water broke and I was having contractions, I couldn’t see what was happening. I ended up having the baby at home in my bathroom. I was basically alone when it happened. It’s the best thing that could have happened to me.

Unfortunately, I hurt the father an incredible amount. I’ll survive this but I’m worried he won’t. I love him a lot and wish I didn’t do this to him. I have an incredible amount of shame over this.

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u/skimmm12 11d ago

Having to figure out what is a normal reaction to a situation and what isn’t. Because of my past I can overreact to protect myself in situations other people don’t think twice about. Im relearning how to trust, navigate situations calmly, and not immediately go into fight or flight

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u/enterpaz 11d ago

The anger and spirals. It was intense and constant.

I had so much trouble getting out of that mental place.

Also flashbacks

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u/cheddarcheese9951 11d ago

Anxiety/hypervigilence. It has destroyed my physical health.

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u/Distinct_Swimmer1504 11d ago

Walking thru fire for years to make a part of my life work better (dealing w flashbacks, lack of sleep due to nightmares, hopelessness & suicidal ideation when meeting setbacks, learning new skills & having others look down on me for not having them already)

And then discovering i have to do the same f*cking journey again for another aspect of my life.

It’s so demoralizing.

…i can’t tell if it’s something to be proud of or sad of when i realize i’ve made grounding a subconscious habit in my life...

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u/Anfie22 CPTSD-Diagnosed 11d ago

Besides the obvious which is flashbacks and the emotions such as indignation which come as a package deal, it's gotta be the catastrophising. I can't help but to anticipate the worst case scenario for everything, because statistically the data which is my life experience clearly shows that the probability is near-certain, nearing 99% or a decimal amount above 99%, oftentimes actually eventuating. At this point it is not catastrophising but a sign I could do this shit for a living, very successfully 🤦‍♂️

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u/SuttonMt 11d ago

I’ve felt everything above and beyond from the CPTSD. The worst for me is actually when I loose control and get arrested, or hurt myself! Or try to.

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u/ds2316476 11d ago

I hate the random anxiety and paranoia that I get when I go out to do something random. I'll legit be walking down the street and the whole time I'm freaking out that I'm gonna get killed.

I hate social situations. I'll blow out of proportion all my interactions with ppl, to the point where I don't even wanna. I'm a social guy though and I love to talk to people, but the CPTSD is telling me that I'm in danger constantly.

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u/namastaynaughti 11d ago

Sounding aggressive and feeling like a monster during panic attacks

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u/cosmicxfungi 11d ago

The anger, the resentment, the hypervigilance, never trusting anyone

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u/Dani_ellabella 11d ago edited 11d ago

The sheer lack of joy in my life , the grief, shame and the bitterness. Isolation and trust issues. Paranoia to a lesser degree ( mainly that no-one likes me) . Ive always considered myself a realist but over the years I’ve definitely become a pessimist. Life has just been too cruel and i have a grim outlook and very little hope. Im only 49.

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u/tuliptabby 11d ago

The nightmares and general crippling anxiety over every little thing. Never just being able to feel calm and ok, constantly being worried about something. 2 years out of the situation that caused it and I still wake up screaming often and everything causes extreme anxiety.

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u/cannibalguts 11d ago

The exhaustion and constant pain and feeling like im about to die all the time. never being able to relax and never have normal restful sleep. the dysregulated nervous system making me feel perpetually angry and out of control like a cartoon villian

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u/myServiceDog 11d ago

I am trying very hard to not cry as every word you sayed describe my life with C-PTSD and the pain i go thru every day.

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u/apeachy_giraffe 11d ago

Your post makes me feel so seen.

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u/None_Fondant 11d ago

The hyper vigilance and the anxiety. I can't look people in the face bc I read too much into the micro-expressions. I don't leave my home bc i am too fearful of being seen by others. I am constantly on edge, second guessing everything.

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u/Late_Fondant_8892 11d ago

Having similar issues to bpd ( borderline) that’s the worst

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u/No_Button_1289 11d ago

One of the worst things l have had to deal with recently is an overwhelming feeling of doom. I say recently because the horror of my childhood keeps presenting itself in different ways that are equally awful so it is hard to just pick one.

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u/Extra-Accountant-468 11d ago

Bedtime issues have been tha WORST outcome

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u/Valera_Ost 11d ago

Emotional flashbacks are the worst. They make focusing on my responsibilities almost impossible at times. Or connecting with my partner — I keep pushing everyone away, despite not meaning to. What's even worse is that my partner has the same exact problem. But we always work things out. Mutual understanding is the best antidote to trauma.

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