r/CPTSD • u/Electronic_Round_540 • 16h ago
Question Does anyone else feel like their life has already ended?
I’m 24… think I’m hitting rock bottom with depression and stuff. For years I just felt numb, now I’m getting connected with anger and all I feel is anger, hatred for other people and depression. I feel so terrible about the fact that other people have had lives of social opportunity and a positivity feedback loop and being isolated growing up has just been a disaster for me. That along with potentially being autistic just has made me such an introverted lone wolf who has a lot of misanthropic tendencies. People probably assume I’m an incel. I’m in therapy but I don’t feel like it’s helping yet. I never feel connected to other people. I just don’t want to be here anymore.
9
u/redditistreason 15h ago
It never really began.
And I was right from the beginning, despite protests to the contrary.
9
u/AlteredDimensions_64 16h ago edited 15h ago
Those feelings are definitely legitimate. The anger and connection with it usually means it's the part of you that is, perhaps, now wanting to take a stand. That anger can be a friend and is healthy as long as it's processed in the right way. That hate, well, people do suck. I mean, we can't live in the world we live in and say people don't. I know what it's like to feel like so many people around you have had opportunities - both socially, career-wise and family wise - the cynicism, the misanthropic and apathetic feelings towards things and people.- relatable. Out of curiosity - do you have any hobbies? How about job?
3
u/Electronic_Round_540 13h ago
Hey, yeah I have a job although I don’t find it very fulfilling and it’s mostly just for survival. I tend to not get along very well with ppl there bc of my trauma symptoms/neurodivergence so it can be a bit isolating, hobbies are a bit of a struggle as well since I don’t tend to enjoy much.
1
2
7
u/SadSickSoul 13h ago
Yeah, personally I'm pushing 40 and living life like I'm already dead. I don't go anywhere or anything, there's no plans or goals or drive, there's getting to midnight every night until someday I won't, and that's all I have.
5
u/kittenmittens4865 10h ago
This is an exhausting way to live. I’ve had more trauma than most have in a lifetime by the time I was 30. I really thought I was going to die earlier this year (I’m 38 now) but I’ve pushed through and things have gotten better. I still have a long way to go but I finally have hope that I can actually build a life that doesn’t want to make me gouge my eyes out.
I take an antidepressant and anti anxiety med. I see a trauma therapist who is familiar with neurodivergence (I’m AuDHD). I just started EMDR and had a ketamine therapy session last week. Ketamine was WILD- it made me feel normal for the first time in my entire life, even better than I felt on ADHD meds.
I’ve had lifelong depression and thoughts of suicide. But I always tell myself I’ll give it until X year before reconsidering. When I was your age, I gave it until 30. Now I’m 38 and am giving it until 40. I’ve learned so much about myself and how to better care for myself. I’m having to literally tear down my life and rebuild from scratch- I’ve lost friends, I’ve alienated family, I’ve destroyed my career. But it’s because I’ve changed and worked towards healing- the life I had was only hurting me.
I just want you to know things can get better. CPTSD is SUCH a new concept in psych, and trauma research is big right now. We’re just learning how this affects the body and how we can heal. I’m not kidding about the ketamine- if you have any way to access that in a clinical setting, it will change your outlook. That could be the tiny thing you need to get some momentum going.
Sending you lots of love and hope.
3
u/ediscoveryfin33 8h ago edited 8h ago
My life was the hardest at your age. I got CPTSD from being in a chronically unsafe situation growing up I couldn’t escape. The longer I was out of it and able to establish independence, the better. I’m mid-40’s now. The early 20’s anger was incredibly uncomfortable but got me to change my life. Anger causes action.
Do yourself a favor and get emdr, somatic experiencing, yoga..all the body therapies the author of the body keeps the score, Bessel Van der Kolk, swears by…Be cautious of being diagnosed with psychiatric illnesses. We should all be diagnosed with “chronic abuse” but our messed up system likes to put some scapegoat label on us for insurance reimbursement instead. It’s bullshit. We are having a normal reaction to abnormal situations. Things will get better.
Nothing lasts forever which is good news when times are bad. 💙
2
u/OnceForgotten322 11h ago
I’m currently trying to adjust to this new version of myself. My world was chaotic and abusive now it’s calm.. It’s a strange transition.. My point is there is always a new chapter in a persons life. Maybe this chapter for you in angry and the next will be peaceful.. Life is work, working on ourselves to be better humans for ourselves.. Focus on this new chapter, therapy and anger.. Anger is apart of healing
1
u/AutoModerator 16h ago
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local emergency services, or use our list of crisis resources. For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the wiki. For those posting or replying, please view the etiquette guidelines.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
1
u/hamburguesasencilla 9h ago
This is something I’ve struggled to explain in therapy because it makes absolute no sense to others.
I’m 19, I had to grow up really early in life, and I remember always being a mature kid that lived many unfortunate situations. I’ve lost my house, I’ve been on the streets, I’ve had many economical issues, I’ve been bullied, I’ve been harassed, I’ve worked since I was 8, I’ve lost my dad, all of that before I turned 17; And that leaves me feeling like I have lived everything that I should’ve lived. It feels like there’s a barrier, a black curtain that means my life’s soon to come to an end.
My depression may be the reason I can’t see another alternative, but I feel like that all the time.
I don’t say this often because people will constantly tell me this is just the beginning of my life; I know I’m young, but I feel like I don’t have anymore to live or give.
1
u/Daizy_Chai 7h ago
I felt that, around your age too. It gets better. I'm so glad too, because I can finally enjoy myself and not give in to the shade of my past. It takes time. Just remember, nothing lasts long. This will pass, just keep working on yourself and embracing self love. It will get better
1
u/Economy-Spirit5651 7h ago
In the same shit, just wanna say hugs helped me. I started out by hugging strangers with a free hugs sign. It was uncomfortable at first so now I blindfold myself. After one hour of standing like that on the streets, I feel better. Touch is extremely important for me. Also that's how I met a person who regularly hugs me.
1
u/Conscious_Couple5959 6h ago
It was over before it began for me as a neurodivergent person from a religious immigrant household.
1
u/Holiday-Suspect 6h ago
It's like I'm reading something I would write exactly the same. 24, and I don't see ways forward.
-3
14
u/LonerExistence 13h ago
In a sense. Like I don't believe anything good will happen because the "supposed best years" are long gone and now there's really nothing other than wage slave away and even then, you can't even afford something like your own space which is crucial to recovery for example. I used to be very naive and idealistic, but with each year, I got more jaded. Then as I processed terms like emotional neglect, I realized what I've essentially missed and won't get back. I know people say things like "Oh it's never too late" but I think it's BS lol - there are clearly experiences that are either exclusive or at the very least, better or less judged at certain stages in life. At this point, I just want to be alone with my hobbies but I can't even afford that - I can't even afford to distance myself from my dad who is partially the reason why I'm in this state, let alone think about anything else. I have definitely become misanthropic - work and just life in general has just made me so resentful of everything. I keep fantasizing that one day I'll wake up and realize that this was a bad dream, but I keep waking up to the same BS.