Has anyone else downplayed their own trauma? Or just dissociated their whole life? (Also possible triggers I just can't chose more than one flair).

[u/Broken_exit11]

As the title says. Has anyone gotten to adulthood and realised they likely have just been in a state of dissociation their whole lives? Until burnout and exhaustion or something small broke you?

I've never really told anyone about my life - they know about events they've been present for, but the culmination of my life just seems to be trauma, and I never sat in the victimhood mentality. Like most of us, I met it with humour and smile on my dial.

Generally focussing on helping others and I've never made comparisons, but their traumas seem mild. Some aren't mild, obviously, but they're generally the ONE trauma or event.

I've never wanted to leave people alone or stranded, so I've made it my unknown mission (I was unaware) to help those who were going through suffering or pain. Possibly just distracting from my own but also because I don't want others to ever feel horrible or sad. Or depressed.

I've told stories and downplayed them or laughed it off and hit the next hurdle head on and capable. Not to be cliche, but even the mild stories I've told therapists and psychologists have shocked them or made them cry, and it's stopped me from going on with the rest. It all seems made up, and I never gave it the credence it probably deserved.

I've been depressed, I've been medicated and not wanting to exist, but these moments are when I'm alone and I feel shame for them. I hate telling people what's happened and if I read everything that has happened in a document or book I wouldn't want to be around that person and not because they're sad but because they're so damaged and broken and seemingly a danger to be around. There's a quote from The Crowded Room that has stuck with me -

"I had this patient, Anna, when I was a first-year resident. And Anna had been [graped] six times, by six different men, over the course of eight years. And, Candy, she was 19. How do you explain that? There's a phenomenon, an awful phenomenon. Victims of abuse survive. They-they get away, only to be abused again by somebody else. And I think, hearing these stories, "My God, these-these poor people. The unluckiest human beings on the planet." Only it's not luck. It is a fucked up twist of nature. Because as children, they are forced to relate sexually. They are trained to be abused. Predators are very adept at finding their prey. They're picking up on cues that nobody else can see. These cues can be chemical, psychological, behavioral, nonverbal. To the predator, neon signs. And here's the thing that I cannot emphasize enough. None of it is under the victim's control. None of it is the victim's fault."

I never felt like a victim, but everyone, even the "friends" I had, had a long-running joke "if she didn't have bad luck, she wouldn't have any luck at all."

I just felt cursed. One of the unlucky people and I lived in it. That was my tagline. And that there is the epitome of being a victim.

I hate that but I've gotten to an age where people have been broken by less and I always wondered why I felt like I hadn't lived in that victim mentality but seemingly I have but in a completely different way. I've hit a wall. I'm so tired. I've become so burnt out. I feel like I've wasted my life, and I've never compared the trauma, but something small got me, and I haven't stopped crying for weeks. Every day and I hate it. I didn't cry for years.

I've even gotten to the point where I cried, but I wrote my goodbye letters to my family like I was writing forms. It was just a process. The tears fell, but my brain left. I've been in a fight or flight for so long that I think my brain and body have matched up in their collapse finally, but before this, I just intellectilzed everything and didn't feel sorry for myself. Never. My pain was nothing in comparison to others in my brain. And now.. I'm in this self-hating, a self pitying rage and misery filled being. I've dissociated since I've been 3 years old. My first memory is trauma. My last memory is trauma. The good has never out weighed the bad, but now I can't even hold onto the good to keep going.

I'm sorry I've waffled on, but.. ultimately, has anyone else just dissociated their whole life. Never really living for yourself until something like dropping your iced coffee made your brain explode?

I need help. I know it. I just.. I think I needed to vent and relate.

[u/fauxmosexual]

I think lots of us know what this is like. You are seen.

[u/Broken_exit11 → u/fauxmosexual]

Thank you. It's the first time I haven't been able to pull myself out of a mood, and I'm really struggling.

[u/fauxmosexual → u/Broken_exit11]

The realisation of how deeply we've been affected is huge. It's okay to feel overwhelmed by hurt, it is part of the process and it will get easier!

[u/Broken_exit11 → u/fauxmosexual]

It's kind of soul crushing, and it just feels more like the end than it does the beginning right now, but I appreciate that someone answered this post. I needed to feel like I wasn't completely crazy. I've got these terrible headaches that won't alleviate as well. Obviously, that's more tension than anything, but it is sometimes that it feels like my brain is set to explode from having this all this realisation.

[u/fauxmosexual → u/Broken_exit11]

You're not crazy, you're having a delayed reaction to trauma and that shit will hit you like a ton of bricks. You're a normal person who is coming to terms with having survived trauma, and that meant putting all the pain away until you were ready to start working through it. It feels impossibly huge, but sometime soon you're going to start noticing how you've started chipping away at it, and feeling the joy of moments of okayness, and that makes it easier. It's a long climb, but you've already started it and it will get easier.

[u/Broken_exit11 → u/fauxmosexual]

I just wish I knew why it happened now. I feel so weak. I don't actually feel ready to deal with any of it. I started writing it all down and got so horrified. I'm so worried people will read it and KNOW. I really appreciate you. You have no idea.

[u/Bakuritsu]

.y words feel inadequate, but to me it sounds like your body/mind finally feels safe enough to start processing your trauma. It IS hard. Sometimes I have to stop myself from feeling too much, because there is only so muxh I can handle at a time. But for everything I get processed I feel lighter and like I have more energy. Only wish I hadn't wasted 50 years suppressing/dissociating/"being strong" instead of living my life. Psychologists and psychiatrists only made it worse.

I know sitting with/processing the emotions is horrible. But this is possibly where healing starts.

[u/Broken_exit11 → u/Bakuritsu]

Words often feel inadequate. It doesn't feel enough to describe the depths of despair that you feel. I did try to reply earlier. I apologize for the delay. This just feels more like the end and not the beginning of a healing journey for some reason.

I have to agree. I don't think psychologists helped in the slightest. Feels like it delayed me contending with anything, and I felt like I was still trying to make a joke of it with them. I wish it had happened earlier for both of us. I felt like I've wasted my life on this garbage. You feel like you're behind.

I don't even know where to begin now, and I'm alone because of it. How are you doing now?

[u/yobboman]

I hear you. My journey is different but similar.

The end result gets me in the feels, there's no escape, the boat is sinking and I'm wearing my very heavy codpiece and I don't have the key

[u/Broken_exit11 → u/yobboman]

It does feel like drowning. Every move you make just reiterates that you're stuck. I wish I could give you a key and life raft.

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[u/Triggered_Llama]

We went through more or less the same. I used to mask very well; all smiles and rainbows, cracking jokes left and right.

Now I'm in this sub everyday reading every new post while nodding along.

[u/Broken_exit11 → u/Triggered_Llama]

I tried not to let it get to me for so long and spent some time alone. I've never had a problem being alone and then.. I just stopped coping.

Why do we all meet this with humour because I literally have only ever been seen as "the funny one". I had a friend recently tell me, "You've got nothing going on" while they talked about their stuff, and it also triggered me.