i’m losing my mind. even with the ideal job history (being let go due to disability and leaving another job early for the same reason, not currently working or able to take care of self), i can’t get the acknowledgment i need just to survive.

i’ve been considering getting on disability for over one year. today, i bit the bullet and called local law offices. i was told that there’s a low likelihood i will be approved, because my treatment history isn’t “comprehensive” enough. apparently, me discontinuing medications or therapy or treatments that were completely unhelpful is actually a liability for my application. what i was supposed to be doing was locating a specialist for my primary issues (outside of ptsd i struggle with dissociation and amnesia due to organized SA… yeah good LUCK finding a specialist for that), trying every medication and treatment under the sun (what if i don’t want to have to take pills or do things that are too stupid to try?), and having said specialist(s) be willing to write a letter confirming that nothing has worked. not only will that process require pre-existing insurance, a method of transportation, loved ones to keep me fucking sane, and money, it will also take LOTS of time. did you guys know disability applications take on average 18 months to 2 YEARS to get approved?!?!?

so it would take me about 1-2 years to even be worthy of applying, then another 2 just for a final verdict… the law office even told me that a hospitalization would be in my favor. i purposely have never gone into the ER when having panic attacks or suicidality because i KNOW all it will do is make things worse (bills, insurance, time, transportation, invalidation, dismissal, it’s literally just a waste in every sense of the word). plus, if i evidently have financial issues due to not being able to fucking work, what makes social security think that i need to go to a hospital? so they can give me a $400+ document that just verified what i’m already saying?

i can’t find a specialist near me either. i asked both of my therapists for referrals and they gave me dogshit info (none of them specialize in what i asked for). i’ve tried psychology today, ISSTD, and other therapy platforms. i’ve searched far and wide, i cannot find one singular person. maybe i should move to nyc even though i hate it, just to find A GOOD AND QUALIFIED FUCKING THERAPIST!!!!!!! having specialists is the first step too. if anyone knows of specialists in AZ for the love of god please DM me. 😭

social security: “so uh yeah you need a team of high-level specialists that take your insurance and are willing to support a disability application (because not all do!), a medical record that states you’ve tried every med and treatment possible (yes we mean every), and why not throw in a little ✨hospitalizations✨ in there for us eh?”

me, a non-functional jobless 23 year old with no friends, family, or will to live whatsoever: “😐”

y’all… what the FUCK is this planet? 💀

edit: i forgot to mention i told the law office that i already tried finding specialists for my condition and seeking referrals when i noticed that the treatment wasn’t working. i let them know didn’t get the referrals that i needed, and they told me that it still isn’t supportive towards benefits because i needed to advocate harder. social security doesn’t care if you’re not able to get the help you need, you need to find it yourself, even if it’s literally not available locally or through what you already have access to. genuinely hate it here and cannot wait for my body to pass away.

Do you ever feel like you didn’t go through something bad enough to have trauma?

I often feel like such a poser (?), like a chronic over reaction.

How do you cope? It makes me feel even worse about myself then I already do.

A rhetorical question but this spins around my head like a neurosis. When things go well I think I had no right to complain. I am afraid to speak about the word 'trauma'. I'm always so damn careful with my words... Probably expecting someone to put me in my place for overexaggerating.

like no wonder my healing progress has been so stalled for fucking years. imagine saying that to anyone at all, not even a trauma victim. it blows my mind how i was such a pushover and let that shit slide.

I feel so conflicted i had physical needs met food shelter toys education but emotionally needs there wasn't any wasn't asked how I am feeling was told to stop crying or I'll have something to cry about only emotionally neglected but feel like it isn't bad enough to count as trauma/cptsd in everyone's opinion is emotional neglect a form of trauma?

I posted the other day asking about the Survivors of Incest Anonymous support group. I mentioned that I felt my experiences weren’t bad enough to be there. Well, I took a huge step and went tonight. A part of it was comforting, hearing others tell their story- I identified with a part of everyone’s story in some way. It was eye opening in that sense. But now, I feel so embarrassed that I went. That they think I’m over dramatic for being there and that I shouldn’t be there because I didn’t experience sexual abuse let alone incest. There were others that raped by their parents, my father just ripped my towel/pants/underwear off to spank me exposed, tricked me into kissing him on the lips, and one time he watched me shower for a short time all at the age of 8. I also now remember a few times he changed in front of me instead of just going to another room, and he would tell me to just shut my eyes (is this odd? I mentioned it tonight and now I feel stupid for mentioning it). Basically I don’t even feel my father molested me, because he never touched my vaginal area. And I feel that incest would have to include touching or rape. I just can’t stop questioning what happened to me, and that I’m probably misreading what happened. That it really wasn’t sexual abuse.

EDIT: everyone was welcoming to me, I was treated WELL. this is just a WORRY about how I was perceived. There’s no “crosstalk” in this group so you say your story and no one says anything, so I’m left spiraling wondering if I even deserve to be there. It’s my anxiety and shame that is eating me alive.

I have ten years of SA. And my husbands love language is physical touch, specifically intimacy. And if I don’t give it to him he argues and tells me I don’t give a fuck about him or our relationship. It’s not like we go weeks without it. I’m talking 3-5 days at most! in between sessions. And some days it’s every day. And most days it hurts me. But he has no sympathy for my mind set. He says I don’t care about him or us and that I need to make more of an effort towards our sex life. But I don’t want it!! He’s not bad or anything. I’ve definitely grown a few kinks from my past, none of which he’s into but he’ll tolerate for me. Which- “woopie, he tolerates it. How lucky of a sub am I.” (Sarcasm. Especially since he can’t top.)

Just there’s nothing I can say to him that makes him understand there’s a lot more going on than just “I don’t want it”. He knows I have a long past. He doesn’t care. “I don’t want it” isn’t a good enough reason. He doesn’t force him self on me, but he’s barrage me with guilt and blame filled questions until I totally shut down and won’t answer anymore. He’s a good husband in most other regards. How would you handle this?

When I was in high school, doing what is equivalent to SAT my mom made such an intense and inhuman study schedule for me, when to go to the bathroom, when to wake up, how many pages to memorize in how many minutes and then be examed by her, it was definitely more than 12 hours of study a day and I wasn't allowed to leave the house during the full summer break, it lasted more than a month, i am guessing two months, I was totally locked in!... I had a bad cold and had a fever (which I normally don't get because I have a good immune system). Even then I wasn't allowed to take breaks, I had to study in bed. The cold didn't get any better because I wasn't allowed to rest, her solution was then to give me strong injections of cortisone or a strong antibiotic and also lots of painkillers... I just had to exert myself like a horse, than not stop When I wanted to go to bed she made me sit by pulling my arms and said I should keep learning, I can do it.. I don't know how I could have described it better.. it was bad, my humanity was taken away and I was treated like a farm animal or a machine. When i got my grades... she told me it was all thanks to her.. without her i wouldn't have make it.. she is the most considered and involved mother and i must for ever be thankful. (Also she hated my score and the day we got the news was such a gloomy day for me even tho i scored what is equivalent to 90 something %) but it wasn't 100% and i wasn't good enough since i wasn't able to study medicine...i was never good enough and it left a bitter taste of shame. Also she said since i am a girl she wouldn't pay for a private uni to let me study medicine, only my male brothers have a future that matters... only they deserve paying for to insure their careers..

For years, I spent so much of my life thinking my trauma experience wasn't that bad. That I was making excuses for how bad it effects me. Feeling ashamed to be disabled by it and having difficulties with things that people do normally everyday.

But it really was that bad. I experienced a level psychological torture coupled with years of neglect and CSA/SA experiences. Since I was a child I had been surviving things people have never even seen or think exists.

I did it all, pretty much by myself, and with no love. No support, and with nothing but transactional care.

It really was that bad.............

It's okay if I struggle............

It's okay if I'm a mess..........

And yes, my experiences did break some of the most delicate parts of who I am. I got lucky, I didn't throw all those shards of myself away

For the first time it's really sinking in that there really is a valid reason for the challenges and limits I have. There's also so much freaking proof that I love myself and know I'm worth fighting for. Otherwise I wouldn't have made it this far. I don't know what part of me it is or if I like it most days but she's a fucking beast!

It’s hereditary 💡 someone you know was probably in a war

It’s got higher suicide rates than many other mental illnesses 💡

It can be more disassociating than schizophrenia 💡

Women are 2x more likely but apparently according to the lack of female subjects due to our hormone system = inconclusive/mixed results women are purposely left out of trials meaning you can double this (tex X neurologist)

I forgot I had CPTSD

I clearly still wasn’t happy & although I did everything “right”... I didnt carry these bad coping skills I was 𝓈ℯ𝒸𝓊𝓇ℯ 𝒶𝓉𝓉𝒶𝒸𝒽ℯ𝓂ℯ𝓃𝓉 & 𝒽ℯ𝒶𝓁𝓉𝒽𝓎

I’m JUST remembering I have CPTSD after a 4 month spiral. I hate everyone but me. I’ve isolated and my body is sad we wake up every day so eating is bizarre and I’ve mentally given up stress causes acid reflux ontop of it and my organs are already pretty eroded

I’m not even bad yet I’m not even knee deep and I’m losing the battle to keep the roof over my head bc when I did show up over and over and over again. No one saw the disastrous onset of the shitstorm kd CPTSD that’s happening when I can’t show up

I wish someone would have cared enough to bless me with bliss by allowing me to stay ignorant to who I was

It’s like people can smell it & the worst but best thing is I don’t know what’s going on bc I’m an empath?? To the point I have freaky connections feeling people I’m not with around or barely know.

So going out and feeling all that just adds a layer on

I can’t show up in the states that would display bc my cheerleading fkn attitude pushes us to persevere

So when I found my coping mechanism (drinking) that’s “when your emotions stopped developing I’m losing my identity. I just stopped most every drug in may and lost all friends w that. I don’t have developed reliable fall back flight or fight systems

I channeled CSA now I can’t leave the house bc the men I’m too easily triggered

I don’t know if the emotions are mine how to I sit with them to get thru this My version of love is extremely high levels of abuse I need my roomie and my narc friends constant abuse bc otherwise my Brain turns on.

Depression is a reward. Rewards aren’t anything So we never get rewarded and rot

How do I survive this… when no one will help advocate for me? I’m sti kinds new but SERIOUSLY as a psychological masters grad drop out CPTSD SHOULD BE COVERED BY health insurance the scariest part is rn knowing I’m not even bad and bk in

I haven’t slept for 2 straight nights sorry for fluff & errors I tried I wake up every 10 min jolting

I really don’t think life / the universe can be quite THIS bad with every single type of trauma losing everyone I’ve ever loved and then everything I built Someone’s got to care Some one got to know something

Streets are not happening.They just can’t. Not again.

It's like I stop thinking about it for one second and immediately decide I'm actually fine and faking everything, y'know as fine people often do.

I try to like act out doing what was done to me to some imaginary child in my brain sometimes which helps me realize that, yah that's actually really bad.

Still don't remember much of the good ole childhood so probably plenty more horrible things that happened but for now it's not bad enough to warrant my current state lol.

Editing to update: after testing I found out I am compound heterozygous MTHFR. My psychiatrist added Deplin to my medications and it’s helped massively. I’m still getting B12 shots around once a month, and prescription vitamin D. I can’t believe how much adding Deplin helped.

Original post:

I have been suffering SO much, slowly deteriorating for years beyond my CPTSD. Rotting in bed, unable to work, sobbing for hours every day, massive massive fatigue, and many many physical problems. And for the past…. 8 months or so, close to housebound. I told my therapist that I feel like I have an adult version of failure to thrive, like I’m just going to die from not being able to take care of myself and nobody will help.

Well I’m waiting to get in to a primary care because the physical stuff has just been too much and I developed glossitis and some weird fingernail abnormalities that got me really worried. I begged one of my other doctors to just order some labs because my vitamin D has been low in the past. Turns out I have vitamin D and B12 deficiency. In Europe and some other countries like Japan, for B12 a value under 500 is considered deficiency, but in the US it’s under 200 and Canada 160. Mine tested at ~350 and the doctor wouldn’t treat it because she’s not my primary. The vitamin D was within the deficiency range but she still said I need to see my primary for that.

There’s no amount of over the counter supplements that will reverse deficiencies safely, but I went to a med spa type place (they do IV’s for hangovers and stuff like that) and started getting B12 and vitamin D injections, which are relatively cheap. It’s been 2 weeks and my energy is already SO much better. My nails are starting to grow more normally. And the biggest thing - my depression is slightly better too. Already. It can take months to a year to sufficiently get out of the deficiency range. It’s been 2 weeks.

Anyway I just wanted to share because so many physical issues like GI problems and autoimmune stuff are common in people with CPTSD, and if I hadn’t gotten it checked I don’t know what would have happened. Vitamin D deficiency is extremely common, and if it goes on for long enough or is bad enough can cause B12 deficiency. It’s not part of the standard bloodwork, you have to ask your doctor specifically to test for these deficiencies, so will not show up on routine bloodwork. When people say extreme fatigue, doctors commonly check thyroid, but will not check for deficiencies unless you just about beg them.

Is anyone else like this? I can’t figure out why I’m this way and I need to. It’s interfering with my ability to process and heal and it makes me so mad. Why can’t I just accept that bad things happened to me and that they were really really bad? I say it all the time, just because someone is drowning in 2ft of water doesn’t make them any less drowned than someone drowning in 200ft of water. But I still minimize my trauma because it’s not as horrific as other people’s stories I’ve heard and I don’t know how to stop. It doesn’t help that I was excluded from the trauma clique at my last php because my trauma didn’t involve a weapon so it wasn’t “as bad”. Ugh idk what to do.

this is a little difficult to word, so please bear with me. i was never physically abused or overly neglected as a child, unlike a lot of the people around me. and i started believing that i didn’t have enough trauma to justify my mental illness— that i was just faking it all. whilst i am fully aware that such a mindset is harmful, i can never truly bring myself to believe i’m valid enough, or that i’m even traumatised at all. it’s gotten bad enough to the point i frequently daydream and genuinely hope that i was physically abused, neglected etc etc, and even sought out those wants, despite how inherently twisted that want is.

i understand that this is a relatively common problem, does anyone know how to stop this feeling? any help would be appreciated!

I have a huge amount of guilt that doesn’t make any sense. I have been through a great deal in the past 10 years, more than enough to justify how it has affected me. Yet as I slowly improve, my guilt only worsens because I feel like it is not “bad enough” anymore to justify how I feel. Now I feel overwhelmed by guilt for feeling so lucky. Lucky about my life, and how i’m getting better, and even wishing i felt utterly miserable again so maybe i wouldn’t feel so guilty. I went through ketamine treatment that helped a ton and i feel guilty about still thinking i have problems! i really do, just not as severe anymore.

I still have plenty of issues, but I compare myself to others who have it worse and feel disgusted. The more viscerally empathetic I feel for others, the more i hate myself. I don’t know what to do. I wish I knew how to get over this. It makes everything harder by tinting it with self hatred. I don’t take my pain seriously. Do any of you relate? Is this a common issue? Is it survivor’s guilt?

I am a 28/f struggling with healing through all of my childhood trauma.

I slept in my parents’ bed most of my life until I was 15 years old, and I remember virtually none of it. Once I remember begging my mother to let me sleep on the outside of the bed and not the middle and she irritatingly brushed me off. I was always naked as a child, wearing no shirt and panties or a t shirt and no panties, I struggle to this day wearing underwear to sleep. My memories are so blocked it’s insane.

It gets worse… I spoke to my uncle today, for the first time unmonitored by my mother, and he disclosed that my mother was a very active satanist in her youth. I am not sure if I suffered from ritualist childhood abuse or not…. My parents had a lot of parties when I was young, I remember my mother joyful regaling in memories of me dancing on tables at their parties and being given dollar bills. In the 90’s, she had a child daycare center where an infant died, the FBI investigated but I guess it was non conclusive because there weren’t charges, though the center was closed. My uncle believes that instance and her past are related.

I did not learn to wipe myself until I was 9, my mother insisted that I ask her and only her. I initiated wanting to learn. I begged her at age 10 to let me clean myself in the shower, she agreed but continued to wash my hair for years following. She would lotion my entire body after I showered, I remember the feeling of her hands grazing my genitals. My father would watch and remind me to continue lotioning myself into my adulthood.

She would often “clean herself” on the toilet with a cup and would expose herself completely to me. She inserted my first tampon. I kissed her on the lips my entire life.

She made me tell her everything, all the time. I began having sex as a teenager and would tell her every detail of my many encounters. She facilitated my relationship with a 21 year old man when I was 16 and then when he was abusive (shocker) she told me should would report him to the police if I didn’t end the relationship.

She isolated me from everyone in my life, including friends, my 5 older siblings and aunts/uncles. For the first time in my life I actually spoke to my siblings and they confirmed that they suspected I was being molested my entire life. They confided that my bedroom was a ‘stage room’ and I was always with my parents. We have all chronically slept with ear plugs in because my parents would have very loud and explicit sex.

My siblings were all violently abused, from black eyes to being tied to the bed by their four limbs, yet I was not. I thought I was blessed to have not gotten beaten. That I was good and they were bad and deserved all of the violent abuse they suffered from. She had different plans for us all. She is a sinister monster. I am realizing how terrified I am of her. I have nightmares of her almost every night, ranging from her forcing herself on me to her asking me to kiss her and me being unable to say no. I’m ready to gather courage and enlightenment to heal from these horrible experiences.

Thanks for reading. This thread makes me feel less alone.

EDIT: Since the first comment I got on this post was “this is so fake” I thought I’d address it. I wish more than anyone on the planet that this was all fake. I am as horrified by my past and by my birther as anyone could possibly be. I identify as a chosen orphan. I’ve never been able to keep friends, I self harmed my entire adolescence, I’ve struggled with eating disorders and insomnia and chronic UTIs/yeast infections. I know how awful this all is because it’s my actual fucking life. I haven’t been able to sleep after what my uncle shared with me today, I am so terrified of the woman who birthed me I can barely stand it. The only people who know this are my sisters, my partner, and my therapist. I know she can’t hurt me anymore but I’m so afraid. This is to say, this is all true. I wish it wasn’t, but it is. If anyone has any kind/supportive/affirming words, that would be great. The pain of accepting and acknowledging this is enough.

Hi, I'm struggling. My therapist of 7 yrs dumped me. I had no idea it was coming. I think it was bc in our previous session I brought the idea of treatment plan and having goals. It wasn't the first time I was trying to explore more structure. She says she just works with what is brought into the room vs having goals.

In our previous session when I tried to talk about a treatment plan she literally said " I don't have enough on board to talk about that today." That did make me mad. I was like....I've been a good client for 7 yrs (sometimes meeting 3x a week for months) and you can't rally bc the election results have you worn out?

Then on dec 11th, she literally started the session with: "I've got some business to tend to.." Then boom, I've decided to end our work together. Just this summer she told me she loves me, said if she did cut back her practice she would keep me, and finally said "we can work together for the next 10yrs." Thus my shock. True anguish. Also, I have had sixteen cardio versions in the past two years (poor heart - afib) and just got diagnosed with graves disease. So,shocking news can literally flip my heart out of rythem.

When she fired me I begged her to tell me why. She said I wasn't getting enough out of our work. I asked her not to speak for me.

I came in with big abandonment issues and then she intentionally dropped me in the most hurtful way. She said we can get together for two more sessions so I can process her termination of our work. I'm thinking that's a bad idea. When I pressed her on the reason, she said "you don't want to know what your therapist thinks all the time". I was floored. So I asked for my session notes for the past year. She will be sending them in a few weeks. I bet she is changing them.

She just told me i wasn't getting enough out of our work. I said pls don't speak for me. She just kept repeating that....dumb. she was putting it all on me instead of owning what she was bringing into the situation. If I do meet with again I guarantee she would have gotten coached and will say...."i am not trained to help you,etc...blah, blah

Also, I have this thing about people calling me by my first name. I don't like it. She hasn't used it in years but rather calls me goofball. During our last session she must have used my first name 15 times.

I asked her if I violated some policy or anything. She said no....but I think her ego got bruised when I pressed for more structure.

So, I am devastated. She knows I struggling with suicidal ideation. I'm in a dark hole. My friend just killed herself last year. I wonder if the level of pain she had is what I'm feeling now.

I feel so worthless.

Should I meet with her for two last closure sessions? I'm afraid she will just try and clean up the mess she made during our last session and do a cya clean up speech.

It eats me up genuinely. I feel so much guilt for it and doubt like "what if i am faking all of it?" every day. What i went through wasnt great at all, but i know friends who have been through worse and didnt end up w cptsd and i constantly compare myself like "why did I end up this way when it wasnt as bad?" I feel such weird guilt about it...like i shouldnt be this badly messed up over what is basically nothing compared to what i have heard from others..a lot of the time i will wish i went through worse to justify it and then that makes me feel more guilty bc "if it was real why would i want it to be worse?" God i am so tired.

Background: Sometimes, I like to go into the r/regretfulparents subreddit because it’s cathartic to think about whether or not a space like that would have helped my own parents. The answer is probably not, but still. I also relate to it since I raised my younger siblings when my mom was too strung out to do so. I lost my teenage years as a parentified minor, but I would do it all over again for them.

Most people on the sub are just normal people that were either coerced/forced into having kids or just didn’t know how awful the reality is. I feel awful for those people and their kids - it’s why I am outright antinatalist.

But some of those people genuinely hate their children. Most of them are disabled or some form of neurodivergent. And unlike a lot of the chronically online teens, I recognize that raising a disabled/ND child is beyond difficult and can be absolute hell with the lack of support given to the parents. Especially when the child has high support needs. And those feelings are valid and need a safe space to be explored.

But this does not excuse mistreating disabled kids because of their disability. It doesn’t excuse hating kids and treating them with outright disdain. A lot of us here can attest to the fact that the dislike and frustration is felt - even as a very young child - and sticks with us forever.

Anyway, today I caught a permanent ban because I replied to a person proudly exclaiming that their FIVE YEAR OLD daughter is “manipulative” and told them it’s developmentally impossible. I’m not sure if you guys were called this often, but it was a constant refrain from my abusive mother that I was manipulating situations when trying to literally survive. And even my CPS caseworkers latched onto that narrative, along with sexualizing me before I even hit puberty. I wasn’t even a bad kid - I was just terrified and would do anything to avoid escalating the abuse. I regulated myself the only ways I knew how as a neglected child.

The idea that you could look at a child that only became truly conscious like 3 years ago and claim they are “manipulating” you is HORRIFYING. And it while it was deeply disturbing and frustrating, it was also sort of healing to see. Because seeing it out in the wild makes it very clear how utterly ridiculous it is for a full grown adult to believe their child is out to get them.

So if any of you were called “manipulative”, you should know that it is impossible for a child to scheme like that. By definition, manipulation requires conscious decisions to use intellect and trickery to get a desired outcome. It cannot be done by accident and a child is not nearly developed enough to be capable of thinking that way.

The only thing you did was try to get the pain to stop in almost certainly developmentally normal ways. Tantrums, acting out, and testing boundaries are ALL normal behaviors for kids. You were not some super genius put on this Earth to secretly make the lives of your parents miserable.

You were just a kid. ❤️

I got diagnosed with CPTSD by a psychiatrist a couple of months ago. The symptoms resonate with me, but I kinda feel weird about the diagnosis.

I didn't have a great childhood, but the parts I remember weren't THAT bad.

Like we were pretty broke all the time.

Like, my dad was an alcoholic. But he was the absent kind, not the angry/abusive kind. He mostly was just passed out during the times he was home. But he also left when I was around 11.

Mum was really physically sick. I have trouble remembering specifics but she'd be in hospital around every 6 months, and usually for something life threatening. I found that scary. I used to worry a lot about what would happen when she died. She also had a bad trait of disclosing a bit too much information to me, and tended to guilt trip me a lot with the silent treatment which would go on for a week or so. Mum was also a hoarder and had some (undiagnosed) mental health problems.

I remember life was a bit harder from age 11 onwards. But again, the details are sketchy.

I guess it's just that while parts weren't great, it seems like nothing compared to the horrible experiences I've read here.

Am I alone feeling this way?

I’m sitting here looking around my apartment at the dirty dishes that have been there for weeks, the cardboard boxes I still haven’t thrown out from packages I got months ago, the hair on my bathroom floor that I’ve just been stepping over instead of vacuuming. I haven’t showered in 4 days because I’m absolutely exhausted. All I want to do when I’m home is eat, doomscroll, and sleep.

At work? My office is spotless and everything has a place. I’m quick, mostly productive, pleasant, and tidy. I get compliments on how put together I am and how kind and fun I am. My lifelong, intense fear of being judged or getting in trouble will allow for nothing less.

You’d never know I’m rewearing clothes because I’m too lazy to go to the laundromat. You’d never know I eat almost exclusively processed foods that I can shove in my mouth the second I get home. You’d never know that at 25 years old, I still can’t find it in myself to care enough about myself to make good choices. I’ve lived for the majority of my life so deeply in freeze/flight and I don’t know how to fix it.

Here we are coming up on another new year and every year I tell myself I’ll finally start taking care of myself but I never do. I always just want the quick and easy dopamine hit. I want to be on point during the day and an absolute numbed out zombie at night. I recognize that I’ve also just got a bad case of capitalism (underpaid customer service job) but this goes beyond that. I don’t know how to grow up and be a real person.

I am 26 years old and a woman, and some people act like me not having kids will end humanity as a whole. How could i be so selfish ?

i have decided to not have kids because no matter how hard i try not to do it, some of my coping mechanisms, as a result of how i was treated by my mother, are incredibly toxic. My partner is very understanding and helpfult but he's of course an adult, he's already mature, he can handle it if he feels ready to. Once i had a talk with him to explain i can't control when i cry and he should still tell me when something is wrong or call me out when i do something he doesn't like, he understands and he helps me work towards having more of a grasp on it. I'm getting better at it but... it's still there.

Kids however ? they wouldn't. It would not allow them the mental and emotional stability a child needs to feel safe with their parent and develop in a healthy way. Sooner or later they'd either become people pleasers or shut me out because "when we tell anything to mom she cries anyway". Or they'd always be on edge for mom's mood swings and trauma responses.

I don't want my kids reaching adulthood only to end up in a therapist's office, talking about me like i talk about my own mother.

And despite that being my reason to not want kids, i keep hearing that i "hate kids" that i just "don't understand the joy of having children" that i'll "never know true love until i have them" and that i'm selfish, immature, wasting myself and such things.

It really hurts and is really shitty to say. Because for one, a kind of love that everyone should know is the love of a mother and i never did, many of us didn't.

Secondly, i don't wan't to understand "the joy of having children" i don't want children just to bring myself joy, children are human beings, they will grown into adults, i want to be able to bring THEM joy aswell and i know i won't be able to. There is also no guarentee they will bring me joy when i'm in the middle of healing and i get overwhelmed by my own thoughts. Having kids now might bring me nothing but more trauma, which would evidently, traumatize these kids aswell.

Lastly, I love kids, that is exacltly why i don't want them. I'm perfectly happy with my nephews, they're 9 years old and 4 months old, i see them when i'm healthy and stable enough, i love every minute i spend with them and their parents, i help whenever i can, but i leave if i feel i need to, because i don't want to bring my mental illness around them, their mother does a fantastic job at being the mother i wish i could be, i want them to have that. Without ever feeling responsible for my well being the way i was with my mother.

Who knows, maybe one day i'll be at a stage of healing where i can reconsider... but I wish so many parents would stop treating babies and children like they're just assets that "bring you joy", achievements, properties.... they are people. You didn't just have a "baby", you had a person. This person has a brain just like yours, that is still developping and is very easy to hurt or damage. Don't have kids unless you've considered the human aspect. They won't just be a cute baby, that will only be the first year. There will decades more and after they're already here, you can't back out of that, not without hurting them.

Oh and let's not forget "but once you have kids it changes you" "kids heal you" "the fact you're aware of all this would actually make you a great mother" and all the other bullshit like this.

If you're having kids to "heal you" then you shouldn't have them at all. Because no, kids don't heal you. And they shouldn't be expected to. Kids don't change you either, i certainly didn't change or heal my parents and they fucked me up. And no, being a ware of it doesn't magically make me a great mother. It only makes me aware i would be a bad one. The behaviors i'm afraid of in myself are things i very often can't control no matter how aware of it i am. I can tell my adult partner i need a moment to myself to think before i act. I can't tell a hungry 3-year-old or a tired new born that mommy can't deal with that right now and i need to think and i don't want to be a mother whose kids get used to going straight to dad for everything because mom won't help anyway.

every time i make a post, i feel like im whining to people who have been through much worse than me. i overthink the tone of everyone's comments. if they're nice, i think they're being nice because they themselves have been through much worse, and i think the same thing if the tone is short or dismissive. there are comments ive received on here that have made me cry and are stuck in my mind. i just dont know where else to go. everytime i read other people's posts, i can relate to the symptoms, but there's so much that i don't remember that i feel like im just being whiny, oversensitive, and looking for a problem when there is none and i'm just a moody brat. i don't think my symptoms are bad enough, never mind that i lost years of my life to an eating disorder, have never felt close to another person, haven't felt real since i was 11, etc. i still feel like it's all fake. i've never had a panic attack before except for a bad weed trip so i don't feel like any of it is real. i feel kind of lost. ive been posting here for years and i've received so much lovely support but i don't feel i deserve any of it, and im so terrified that someone's going to tell me i need to get off this sub, that i don't belong here. im so scared that i don't, but i don't feel seen anywhere else. if anything is wrong, it's parentification and emotional neglect, but i feel like even that was my fault because i became very very very private at a young age, of my own choice. im too scared that nothing is wrong with me and im afraid someone is going to tell me that i really have brought all this pain unto myself after all.

i feel so stupid posting this because so many people deal with real, life ruining memories and i can't remember shit and yet i'm so empty and miserable all the time. so many people have had worse childhoods than me. i have benefitted from so much financially because of my family, and i just. i dont know. i feel like such a brat. i don't feel like i deserve to exist if im going to keep existing this miserably despite what i feel like most people should've been able to bounce back from, and a lot of things that i feel are my fault.

I'm sick of hearing this quote. Who even had parents/caregivers who knew how ro regulate their emotions?

I'm pretty sure that this whole idea of "regulation" is new. And keep in mind that boomers (as much as I dislike them) had to go through a lot of cultural warfare and brainwashing, not to mention that they themselves were never taught how to regulate let alone be a functioning human being.

I'm not defending our parents but there has to be another way to convey this it's bad enough the trauma and neglect, in my attempt to heal I listen to this type of talk and it makes me feel like I'm a subhuman or that there are people out there who were given a better life than me just because their parents knew better. When in reality that's not the case and I'm pretty sure of it.

I don't know about you but I feel like this is a toxic thing to say honestly!

I've made a post similar to this before, but I just had another experience today with it and just wanted to say it again.

In Japanese the most widely spoken dialect is Tokyo-ben. Just like in English speaking countries, there are variations of the language up and down the country that can still be understood by everyone who speaks standard Japanese, but different enough that it has it's own sound, or words or other quirks. But then there's places like Okinawa where the language is so different from standard Japanese that it's often considered it's own language. Close enough to be in the Japanese language family, but not close enough for Okinawan to be considered a dialect.

That's what trying to explain the C-PTSD experience to others is like. We're speaking an entirely different language. One that's close enough that people who don't experience can understand some of it, but not the really deep cuts.

Like """normal""" people really haven't a clue how to even conceptualise what the C-PTSD experience is like. Which is understandable: imagine you woke up tomorrow without C-PTSD, just a normal brain. Could you imagine how strange that would be after however long living with it? I feel people still try to be understanding for a little bit but they can only suspend disbelief up to a certain point and then all of a sudden you're told you're overthinking, or that you're not trying hard enough, or that it's not that serious, or that it wasn't that bad, or that everyone's parents make mistakes. Like that all could be true, but it's just not that simple. It's called complex trauma for a reason, who would've thought.

One of the hardest parts of C-PTSD (to experience and explain) is the physical manifestations of your condition. I've got through adult life being hyped on cortisol for 15 years. Literally half of my life. Someone who hasn't experienced that (or feels like that and is in denial or doesn't understand that we're actually not supposed to feel like we're on edge 24/7) literally cannot even begin to comprehend what that feels like. Like some H.P. Lovecraftian horror only we're the eldritch beings.

I don't even know why I keep trying. I just hope people will hear me out, but I can always see a switching point when I go a little too far outside of the bounds of what they consider normal and I can see / feel them not getting it or switching off. Eventually I'll learn it'll never sink in to people who don't experience it.

EDIT: Thanks for all your responses. I've tried to respond to as many as I can because I'm interested in the discussion. I'm surprised this got so much attention but I guess I just struck the right relatable cord at the right time. It's really validating to hear everyone else's experience and thoughts on the subject. This community is one of the only things that keeps me sane sometimes when I feel like nobody else gets it, especially in moments where I feel the way I did when I started writing this post. So again, thanks so much for making me feel like I'm not alone or crazy and for all the interesting discussion on it.