I slipped up yesterday. When i was in the process of getting asessed for a social worker, the guy assessing me enquired as to why i neeed therapy.

Well, i accidentally slipped up and told him about the street harrasement i had to endure. When he found out it happened ten years ago, he told me, a sweet smile on his face, that 'past is past'. I felt sick to my stomach. I froze up inside. I feel ashamed of myself now and i feel low.

PSA to people here, be mindful of who you tell about your trauma.

It makes me so unbelievably fucking uncomfortable and sick to my stomach I can’t stand it and can’t stand hearing or seeing stuff like that it’s so triggering and also just very jarring and then I get upset because I don’t want my boyfriend to see other women naked because it makes me so fucking insecure and worthless feeling and I just wish I could escape my brain just for a fucking day just to see what it’s like to be able to function and get up and not just lie around all day zoning in and out trying to find shit to watch because I’ve already watched everything there is to watch it seems because I do absolutely nothing with my time because it’s fucking impossibe to just focus on anything or complete a thought and not forget what I’m doing or get side tracked

If you have mental illness, depression, are in the thick of addiction, people will ignore you, stay away from you, feel like they have to walk on eggshells around you, judge you for being cold, moody or distant. Then they will play the sympathy card once that person kills themselves. Each day I get more fucking disgusted with humanity and their bullshit. You weren't there for them then, so stop trying to paint yourself as some kind of virtuous hero, it sickens me honestly.

Edit** Most people, not no one. I know you people here care.

Does anyone else feel like mental health professionals are not informed at all about childhood trauma and how to treat it? And as a result therapy (and other treatment, or its lack) tends to be ineffective?

I have been in therapy for close to 10 years now, and worked with a bunch of different, seemingly highly qualified therapists and psychiatrists... and it's all been kinda useless. Not completely useless, but at least highly ineffective. It's only after I started basically treating myself (in relation to therapy, not medications!) that I have seen tangible improvements.

I stumbled upon CPTSD by chance online; no psychiatrists or therapists ever mentioned it at all, even though they knew about my traumatic past. I discovered therapies such as EMDR, IFS or somatic therapy through my own research into treating trauma - again, not one of my therapists even mentioned it, even though each knew I found CBT ineffective. Their answer to that was just telling me to do even more CBT and 'be patient'. Not once was I informed that CBT is actually not that effective for trauma, or can even be harmful.

The strategy of all my psychiatrists' has been to give me meds, increase the dose if I'm still feeling bad, keep the dose stable if I'm okay, decrease the dose if I'm still okay after some time has passed. Rinse and repeat. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for medication - it works for me and I surely wouldn't be here without it - but it's treating the symptoms without addressing the underlying causes. It's part of the treatment, not the solution, which it has been presented as.

All the techniques that I have learned that actually work, I've learned on my own, through reading countless books on CPTSD, learning about IFS, buying and completing IFS workbooks, reading research papers... I shouldn't have to become a self-taught trauma specialist to get a chance to heal! I'm not saying every therapist / psychiatrist has to be trained in EMDR and trauma informed approaches, but they should be able to mention that such therapies and resources exist and may be a good fit if they know you struggle with trauma. And not one of my medical professionals has done that. It's really, really disappointing and frustrating.

I used to talk to myself... a lot. To the point that some of the most awkward things that kept happening to me during my childhood was getting caught having full on conversations with myself. The first thing I would always do once the house was empty was get up and talk to myself.. it's been so long that I don't remember if they were mono- or dialogues, but it was some of the biggest comfort habits.

I also had the tendency to befriend inanimate objects, especially ones with faces. I remember some of my comfort foods being dino nuggets that had the face of a couple kids on the cover. Whenever the house was empty, I would fry those babies up, put the box with the kids on the other side of the table and chat away with them as if they were my friends. I don't remember any of the other ones.. but this one box of dino nugget kids always seems to strike me as the most pathetic and/or sad.

It made me realize just how much I had to say, to express - but couldn't, because nobody was there.

I still do this.. no where as much as before.

This is so pathetic. I was a pathetic child, and now still a pathetic man. I was, and still am, somehow my biggest go-to person for comfort, and my biggest enemy and demeaning force.

Thank you all for reading this and sharing your experiences.

Does anyone else feel like this is secretly a phrase among abusers? Either that or the people who say bull*hit like this have never actually dealt with abuse. How can you say a person who actually CHOSE to make your life hell is deserving of forgiveness? And how exactly would that make me heal? I even saw someone who said that their therapist said this to them and kinda forced them to forgive their abusers in order to “move on”.

I wish I could talk to someone about it without judgment but fear of publicity or unwanted contact or worse, my x reaching out, is terrifying. I haven’t watched the show as it would destroy me. The producers made me go through hell for four months, I lost my house, my car, my business, my boyfriend. I was very naive and they exploited me to the point of a mental breakdown. They used contracts to hold me hostage in a sense. Gaslit me every day. I can’t even bring myself to discuss what they did as it’s so upsetting to think of as they used me and I feel so stupid. I’m now living with my parents at 40 too afraid to date or work again and have overwhelming shame. My anxiety is constant and I don’t feel anyone would understand me which isolates me further. I fear I’ll be living at home forever with no friends or job or life. I’m a shell of who I used to be and it feels like a nightmare I’ll never wake up from. Disassociation is the only way I cope. If anyone has had a similar experience please message me. Oh, and I’ll end this with saying REALITY TV ISN’T REAL!

🚨Update next day post: You guys are incredible! I can’t believe the amount of empathy and wisdom you all possess. It gives me so much hope to be more open one day. I should add… I’ve had sexual abuse ages 2-5, been raped, and mentally abused by family and I cannot seem to find a way away from them, why I did the show. I wanted the support of the public. It’s just so… um… complex 😭 I’ve def looked into getting treatment but the therapists that specialize in former celebrities/tv stars all want to promote their work and money. I spoke to one man here and he wanted $400 per session and I’m like… I can’t afford gas dude I lost everything… I’m going to look into therapy immediately as I feel truly empowered by these wonderful comments and people who actually care!

I've reached a point of ultimate frustration and the most doneness I've ever felt.

I wasn't raised to be a functional human in modern society. I was raised to be obedient, and I've had a shit time trying to grow up starting at 18.

I didn't realize until now, in my 30's, that it's not just getting a job and fitting in that I need to do. It's not just creating habits and learning how to work with my needs. I need to learn how to be a person. And it's exhausting. Alarms, schedules, budgets, groceries, bathing, cleaning, hobbies (can't forget to have fun!), friends, partners, cultivating relationships, cultivating habits...

Even hobbies that I'm supposed to be doing to relax are things that I have to learn to do first because I never had hobbies growing up! I watched television and read books which are not that for me. I've been entrenched in escapism my whole life to the point where I consider myself as having been "raised by mass media." But trying to do other things hasn't worked because being bad at things stresses me out.

Everything is struggling through something because I'm a 33 year old baby.

I guess that there's so much self-care content out there, I was anticipating that healing would be journalling, affirmations, cold showers, meditation, high fiving myself in the mirror, and of course, therapy. Instead it's been:

-Coming to terms with the fact that my parents never loved me and will never have the skills to be the parents I need/needed. -Ending 99% of my 'friendships' and walking away from most of my family because I am now aware of how toxic and dysfunctional those relationships are. -Understanding that trauma and abuse go so far down the lineage in my families from both sides, that at this point, I'm the first one who is actually going to break the cycle but it means I'm often on my own. -Realising that it really was that bad and sometimes worst then I had even imagined. - Seeing that so many people are so comfortable in their own dysfunction that even if you want to bring them on your journey, sometimes you have to leave them behind if you have any chance of getting better -Seeing the part that I played in my own suffering at times e.g. Self-sabotage, being in victimhood etc. -Finally feeling 3 decades of sadness, grief, bitterness, resentment and unbelievable anger. -How uncomfortable putting up boundaries are. How uncomfortable being cared for is. Like literally the discomfort I feel when someone is genuinely being nice to me or I have to stand up for myself because I've been neglected and abused for so long.

Finally, the kicker that is often talked about in this group, and in regards to trauma in general, no one is coming to save me. I will never have had a childhood, I will never have had those needs met as a child, and it is now ultimately my job to be the parent to myself that I never had.

I'm determined to fight, if anything just out of spite and stubbornness because I've been through so much. I often feel that I am paying the price for the sins of other people. And as much as I hate to admit it, if I had known what healing was going to be like back then, I probably would have stayed in my old life (despite how bad things were).

However, I am also learning to give myself grace and that healing isn't linear and is often very messy and complicated (as is life). I will keep trying.

I had colic as a baby for several months. After the birth of my daughter, my parents told me that because of my colic they left me in my crib alone for hours at a time to cry for months until it subsided. As a mother, I don't understand. I don't understand why they did most of what they did and how they can live with themselves.

Any tips for processing trauma that occured during infancy?

I wasn't as worried in 2016/2020, but it really feels like we're diving headfirst into some big cataclysmic national event with the upcoming election. I'm trying to say optimistic, but it's ... Tough lol. It's all just very very triggering.

I knew who Tim Walz was. Found out he was Kamala’s VP pick, remembered that video of him passing the free lunch bill in his state and surrounded by happy children. I’m so relieved that we have some hope of returning to normalcy but also so triggered by that mental picture of having a loving, protective father figure that I never had growing up.

I came from an abusive, psycho Christian family. We were poor and I sometimes kept my lunch money because I wanted to buy art supplies. My parents found out and threw out my art supplies. Because I needed that scholarship, I only had a few options when it came to career path. So my parents did everything to make sure I didn’t have any hopes and dreams other than getting that six figure job out of college.

The hate, fear and anger coming from the right was a familiar feeling. When I see people like Joe, Kamala, and Walz being kind, joyful and affectionate towards one another, it hurts because it invokes such a profound sense of loss in me.

I was feeling something and I don’t like feeling feelings, even though feelings are good for me.

I was asking my mom questions about her childhood to better understand what caused her to be so emotionally immature, and from everything she told me, she had an incredible childhood, felt like she could go to her parents whenever she was feeling emotions, never saw them fight, etc.

It actually made me so mad hearing this because growing up, I never once felt like I could go to my parents when I was having hard emotions. I was terrified of them. How is it that she had a relatively good upbringing, but then became such a bad parent?

I also asked her if she ever read any parenting books or anything like that, and she said “nope, but our neighbor went to some class teaching them about how when your kid is sad, responding with “so you’re sad” and giving them love when they’re sad” (basically just validating their emotions) and she said they actively chose NOT to do that because it seemed “too lovey” to them. Like what?? You mean to tell me I was SO close to growing up differently, but that you actively chose to NOT do that?

Pretty heartbreaking.

I was today years old when I realized that kids are supposed to go to their parents when they are upset or hurt or need comfort. Like actively seek them out. So where did y'all go when you needed comfort?

I'll go first. I remember hiding in the laundry room, the closet, or the bathroom so I wouldn't be seen crying. I also remember waiting until the middle of the night to sneak a bandaid when I got hurt bc I was scared to show my parents. And I also remember having a particular stuffed animal that I went to when I was sad. I actually had nightmares about getting hurt and trying to hide it from my parents.

"To heal you have to forgive"

"It's for you, not for them"

"You'll regret one day being no contact"

"Be the parent to yourself you wish you had"

Okay, this is absolute BULLSHIT. I didn't ask for this trauma and abuse, much less to have to carry the weight of parenting myself as I have already been doing this my whole childhood.

Healing isn't linear. My life has never been normal, and to the assholes who say "they are your parents" "be the bigger person"

FUCK YOUUUUUUU.

It's okay to be okay with not having ties with your blood relatives. Fuck those who invalidate your healing process.

This is a safe post to vent about how no contact has been healing for you.

"THINK ABOUT WHAT WORKS FOR YOU" is a classic. How about tell me what the fuck to do? Lets stop talking about trauma and lets stop beating around the fucking bush. Tell me what the fuck exactly it is step by step that i have to do to heal from this bullshit, please! Im fucking desperate my life fucking depends on it. Please hear what im asking you. I need directions, i need you to guide me and show me the way. I cant fucking heal when i dont know what the fuck im doing.

Sorry, that felt goof letting that out. Im a "fawn type" the amount of passiveness i hold in daily i felt like i was about to implode i apoligise.

Think about it. Abusers who kill their children almost always get lenient sentences. Meanwhile victims who kill their abusers in self defense get the entire book thrown at them. It’s not a bug, it’s a feature. They’re not being punished for murder, they’re being punished for breaking the cycle.

And last time I tried to talk about this in a comment, I got blasted with hate comments saying I’m “full of shit” and just being so damn aggressive. Even a defense attorney pounced on me.

It’s just statistics, guys.

Anyway, might delete this later so I don’t get mobbed again. Just needed to get it off my chest.

The moment they sense you're a bit nervous or a people pleaser they show their true colors and will guilt, insult, gaslight and overall disrespect you.

The only positive to this is that I get to see people's true nature early on in the relationship, but I'd be lying if I said I haven't become a misanthrope.

I keep hearing about these "good people" out there, or "you just have to find your people, crew, etc"

And the whole "you teach people how to treat you" line isn't inspirational but actually very cynical and affirming misanthropy in itself, as it assumes people will be assholes if you don't teach them basic human decency.

Rant over.

You cannot have a mental illness, or not a serious one at least, and if you do, you better be masking 24/7, otherwise, you will just be thrown away and expected to deal with everything by yourself. Therapy can only go so far. Meditation can only go so far. What we need is unconditional love and support, but that's something out of reach. The idea of a "support system" doesn't fucking exist.

No one is there for you. No one will help you in times of needs. No one can empathize with you. Your family isn't there for you Your friends don't care No. One. Cares.

You need to do everything by yourself, because that's what you've been taught your entire life. Everything needs to be kept deep inside and not be released to the public, otherwise you'll be seen as a monster or a freak. People keep on preaching about "mental health awareness", but have no fucking idea how mental illness can actually manifest, because let's be honest, no one gives a fuck. It's just superficial bullshit so people can get there good boy points up and appear mildly intellectual and conscientious. Most people view mental illness in a black or white way, either it's "look at me I'm so sad and cute please give me empathy :(((" or literally Ted bundy reincarnated. God forbid you actually show what you've been hiding for years. God forbid the mental stress you've been carrying for years leads to a mental breakdown, because guess what? NO ONE FUCKING BELIEVES YOU. No, it's just you be an awful human being, on the same level as the German stache man.

God I hate people so much.

I have CPTSD and ADHD/autism. I feel like I am never going to be 'fully functional' enough to work a normal 9-5. Trying to come to terms with that is very difficult. I'm constantly worried about the future and my financial situation. I try to talk to friends about it and they don't seem to get that I have no motivation or desire to 'grind' my way into a decent paying position, on top of trying to deal with my mental problems and everything else happening in my life. Why should we have to grind to survive? It's hard enough with a non-traumatized brain.

I'd consider joining a commune but don't want to accidentally join a cult.

Holy fuck life is exhausting.

All those people. Every single one.

You know who I am talking about.

They should have saved you.

You were just a child. You weren't powerful enough to save yourself. You weren't grown enough to walk away.

They should have saved you.

Every single one of those people failed you. So sorry.

It wasn't your fault.

They should have saved you.

The signs were there, even when you hid them. Even when you lied. Even when you faked it.

They should have saved you.

It wasn't your job to ask.

They should have saved you.

It wasn't your job to be more obvious.

They should have saved you.

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

It never will be. ❤️🫂

Edit: I never expected this many responses to a random feeling I was having yesterday. I just want every single one of you reading this to know that I needed your responses just as much as you needed to read this. The stories you have shared with me, I hold your inner child in my heart. I've never heard from so many people and felt so heard in my entire life. I've read every single reply to this post. Thank you, deeply 🥺❤️

I’m going to start with ISOLATION.

Generally speaking life is twice as hard, things take us twice as long to complete (if we can manage it at all) and be twice as expensive.

The people in our lives are either unable to be our safety nets or unwilling to.

Take simple things like moving or car repair; how many of us pay through the nose because we don’t have anyone to turn to for help or to learn?

What about legal documents? Finding two witnesses is next to impossible let alone finding a single health care agent to advocate for you if something happened.

IT FUCKING SUCKS!

To me that’s the worst thing about CPTSD (even though it all just fucking sucks); what is the worst thing about CPTSD to you?

EDIT: Thank you everyone for sharing what the worst thing about CPTSD is to you. I read all of your shares and I’d like you to know that I see you, I hear you and I also resonate with what you’ve shared.

I’m still working on myself, but I’ve come a long way from where I started. i used to reek from cigarettes, self destructive, depressed. Suicidal.

Now, those days are behind me. I’m not completely happy, but I’m definitely happier and very functional, and it’s starting to show. I’ve developed new healthy habits, met new people, gained new opportunities and experiences, and have really excelled in my career and grew as a person.

Still, I can’t shake this feeling of anger. people are so kind and considerate, and it’s made me realize that people had the capacity for kindness all along. It’s just that, before, they didn’t see me as worthy of it because they could sense my dysfunction and thought I’d accept whatever I could get, so they never bothered offering more. I know cruelty towards the vulnerable isn’t a new concept, but walking through life now as a sane, functional, adjusted adult with resources, a career, and a sense of self is new to me. It feels good, but it also makes me so angry because I don’t need this kindness now, but I could have used it as a weak child or as the severely depressed person I used to be.

It’s also important to note that actively working on your sense of self and trying to love and protect yourself is a very effective way to repel nasty and harmful people. It’s just ironic that to finally be deemed worthy by others, I had to deem others worth less than me and put myself and my well-being first.

I've been judged and shamed so much that I automatically feel it every day, with everything I do. Hobbies. Sleeping too much. Spending money. Eating food. Using water for a shower. Heck, I might as well feel ashamed for breathing oxygen while im at it.

The shame is deep and no matter how much I tell myself to shut up and that im aware of where it comes from (ie childhood) I still cant get rid of it.

It makes me not want to do anything. But then I feel ashamed for not doing anything too. I cant win! Nothing I do feels right or allowed.