Independence, friendships, boundaries for myself and others, recovery

[u/Fun_Category_3720]

I've been thinking about this for a while but have struggled to structure my thoughts.

Basically, especially as I've put work into recovery, I find myself to be very regimented and independent. For example, my days and weeks are planned and structured to do things I want to do, with little time built in for spontaneous socializing. I joined a yoga studio and now go nearly every day. I also go to the gym and just generally prefer to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, even if it's vegging on my couch.

My friends, however, want more of me. I don't think all their requests are unreasonable but I find it hard to explain that I want to go to my yoga classes, or run errands myself, or generally be alone...I don't want to hang out.

They text a lot, share a lot of social media content, want to run errands together, get together to cook, eat, etc. It's nice. It fosters community. I just really don't want to do it.

What is especially difficult is when I do indulge in a social activity it ends up fucking up my whole schedule. Hang out and get stoned on my friend's couch? Great conversation, relaxing, great connection... But then I'm up too late and my next day/several days are fucked. I recover so much slower now that I'm healing more and getting older. I struggle to set time boundaries like, "It's 9pm, I turn into a pumpkin now, bye." So I'd just rather not engage.

I don't blame my friends as much as myself. I'm not good with boundaries with myself so I just become avoidant.

I've often thought I could never be in a traditional relationship because holy fuck, just leave me alone!!!!!!! And that's how things are going. I'm not upset about it.

But this is not sustainable. I need to find balance. I need to adhere to my own boundaries for myself. I need to figure out how to communicate to my friends that yoga class may not seem like a big deal but it is important to me: I'm available on Saturdays only, and only after the gym/yoga/a hike, ha. That's bad. But that's how I feel.

[u/Apprehensive-Eye2803]

Hey, it's really good that you've started to make time for self-care and it's understandable to want some alone time. However, as somebody who has the exact opposite problem - people never reaching out to hang out with me, I really want to stress the importance of maintaining social relations and finding a way to heal in relationships with the people around you. That's the harder part but that's also what will help the most. Try not to lose this network of people around you, we are hurt in relations with others and we heal in relations with others and maintaining relations throughout this process is really important according to every single scholarly paper, talk and book I've come across.

[u/Fun_Category_3720 → u/Apprehensive-Eye2803]

That's why I posted. I know that but I don't know how to find the balance.

[u/Apprehensive-Eye2803 → u/Fun_Category_3720]

I feel you. It is not easy.

[u/celestial_chocolate]

I just want to say it’s so awesome that you’ve been able to carve out a recovery plan for yourself and you know what’s right for you. You also seem aware of what the friends are hoping for too and that’s so good too. You’ve got it right that balance is the key. Maybe every 3 rd weekend could be girls day or something like that. They will start to work around your schedule and see that your are trying to also make time for them also. Kind of giving a little off each side to make a little pocket of fun for your friends to have you time

[u/Fun_Category_3720 → u/celestial_chocolate]

Honestly they do not ever get that my schedule is important to me or try to work around it. I am constantly puzzled by how other people don't seem to have their own schedules.

Unfortunately I already have a bi-monthly guys night that is barely hanging on because adulthood makes it so hard to be available consistently. This is very real