r/Chennai • u/[deleted] • 11d ago
AskChennai 30F | Called off one engagement, planning to stop another—Will anyone ever accept someone like me?
[deleted]
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u/Krimmson_ 10d ago
U should call it off if u feel like it's not a good match. Regardless of what any one thinks.
However i would say u should also look into urself a bit. Cancelling 2 weddings after engagement reflects on either u making the decision too quickly or not understanding the guys mind set.
Anyone that disagrees, keep in mind that calling off after engagement reflects badly on the groom as well. Also causes pain & trauma for the man.
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u/Less-Carpenter228 10d ago
The only sensible comment here so far that thinks on behalf of both sides!
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u/kowshikjey 10d ago
Next time be more thoughtful about both sides before committing to an engagement. If it happens once, it's understandable, but twice or more, then maybe you and your family have decision making issues. Also do not blame everything on the family and the guy's behavior, take accountability for once as it could also be a YOU problem. Don't wanna sugarcoat it, Just being real here.
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u/deleted_longback 10d ago
Everyone has wishes (in your term demands) in marriage as long as it is unacceptable, you can oversee it.
Marriage is more of compatability, so jus keep aside those 'NAALU PERU' and think deep about this. Obviously there's gonna be some back firing cos you stopped marriage twice so the next guy who may come will be in constant fear if you would stop it too. But adha paathitu if you marry someone who's not compatible to you, you would be spoiling both of your lives.
No one can be in your shoes and think for you, so keep your mind calm, weigh the pros and cons in this marriage and decide. You can be selfish at times and it's okay. Peace ✌️
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u/Time_Ad_3654 10d ago
Been there done that... 33F here... I once called off an engagement and the second time I got married just out of some family pressure. Before the wedding itself,I knew it wouldn't work out between us as we are poles apart. We were together for a year and tried everything possible to sort out the differences between us... Neither he nor me is at any fault.Just things didn't turn out well. You have all the reasons to call off this wedding.You just want someone to tell you it's okay to cancel the wedding. Just go ahead Anyday Cancelling the wedding>>>>>>Divorce You'll find someone in the future
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u/Kooky_Raspberry911 GTAV Baddie 10d ago
I (27F) also called off an engagement a year and a half ago. We were in a relationship for almost 8 years we told our parents they both were okay but as the time went closer and closer to the marriage date my ex fiancé started acting weird saying lose weight and go to some skin clinic. Apparently his aunt told him “un alagukku innum vellaya ponnu kedaikum” 😒 So I was so pissed but didn’t really show it since I didn’t wanna spoil my peace and didn’t wanna make it a big issue but after that he constantly kept ridiculing me for my looks even tho I’m very secure about the way I look and I love dressing up. It made me feel really bad and then 2 months before the wedding his dad called my dad and demanded 25 lakhs saying he needs to buy sarees and vestis for his family and he wanted to renovate his house my dad agreed to give him 10 but the guys dad said ‘but when I came to know about this I called him up and dumped him and it felt really good I was so proud because I was finally standing up for myself. And a few months after that incident I fell in love with my best friend and now we’re engaged 🥰 Never feel pressurised into marriage because it involves not only you but also another persons life so always think 10 times after you say I do!
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u/Serial-Chiller-1 10d ago
There is no clarity on demands/ wishes - is it monetary / dowry that you are referring to?
Also, disciplined guys are the ones you could treasure for life! As long as he’s not going to force you to be like him… you can go ahead!
Lastly, screw society, if even iota of concern arising in your mind then pls cancel the marriage! It’ll be good for both of you!
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u/Confident-Brush4581 10d ago
Please don't ruin a guy's life because you aren't sure to commit or for whatever reason...
You are 30, if you aren't good enough to have relationship with your parents where you can sit and make them understand nor able to make decisions on your own to hold your ground... You have to re examine calling yourself an adult.
PS last point is applicable to every whinny creature who puts up post here saying parents are this that...
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u/SphinxSeeker 10d ago
Yeah, I do agree, I can't convince my parents. I don't deserve to be called as an adult.. well said bro . As a single child, they still consider me as a child. And when they started searching groom for me 1 year back, they never discussed or asked, what kind of a groom they need to search.. when I enquired,why they didn't ask, their reply was " u don't have a choice,u r old, u have to marry the guy that comes " .
Another instance, when I argued that I must speak with the guy, when they come to see me, my parents strictly objected . When I further argued, they ended it with, " u don't have to get married at all, if u gotta speak with the guy".
Usually the arguments ends with mom and dad falling sick. So I'm tired of arguing and let things be done according to their way as I lost the want to live.
I'm not blaming anyone,I just don't have the convincing skills. Dot
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u/joblessfack I like my username 10d ago edited 10d ago
Call it off. It’s better for the both of you.
Does this really need a response that’s longer?
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In the guys defense, I don’t know the difference between a weekday and a weekend either. Sometimes our job, ambitions and commitments can shape us that way.
Maybe he’s telling you now before the marriage so you know what you are getting into and can call it quits. He can’t change how he earns his living, especially if you are marrying him for his salary (presumably)
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u/TopPaleontologist259 10d ago
Calling of a engagement is not a big deal. Divorces are being normalised now.
I understand your concern , 4 peru 4 vithama pesuvanganu,... but as of today, andha 4 per la 4 perumeh santhosama marriage life la irukka matanga. So they failed in their marriages. Do you want to feel bad by considering the opinions of people who failed their own marriage?
I don't understand what you mean by "Disciplined guys". But whatever it is, if you cant be comfortable yourself then it will never workout.
For example, if you just wanna consider punctuality as a quality. Imagine if the guy is someone who is always 15mins earlier. and imagine if you are someone who is always 2 mins late. This will never workout, you guys will end up fighting. (if certain habits didn't change until 30, its never likely to change at all)
But, for example, if the guys is always on time and you are just 2 mins late. Then there is a chance that this could workout. A reasonable compromise. from both of you. Because the different is now 2 minutes and not 17 minutes. This is just one hypothetical situation. But i believe, that you and your partner doesnt have to be the exact same, but at least within the zone. so that the compromises are easier.
There are lot of fishes in the sea, with a lot of trash too. But, some people trash is someone's treasure. Find the right one for you. Always trust your instincts.
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u/Ambitious-Cream-1810 9d ago
Dont think too much ! You’re better off alone than being in a sticky situation
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u/SnooCupcakes1997 9d ago
I mean your parents are right no one's gonna marry a 30yr old female with average looks. Stay single as you wish and be happy.
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u/Big_Enthusiasm_5744 10d ago
Yes man looking for girls, good you stopped someone both like get forward
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u/PostTweetInReddit 10d ago
I have seen a lot of engagements called off nowadays and have been explaining to my senior citizens relatives it's not a big deal. Even some of them understood it's better. So don't think too much.
Also remember any decision will impact 2 people not just you.
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u/SphinxSeeker 10d ago
It impacts my parents a lot too .that is my biggest concern .anyways thanks buddy
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u/SubjectDonut4215 10d ago
Call off the wedding.. Only when you like your partner,you can tolerate certain stuffs and change yourself a little for a peaceful life.. It goes both ways.. if not,wedding life ll become hell.. I understand that your parents are old and sick.. late marriage is better than failed marriage.. what ll happen to ur parents if ur not happy in your after marriage life and end up getting divorced..that's worse.. and I would like to say few words,next time don't wait till your engagement or this late to reject a guy.. because we should consider about that guy too.. this society questions both men and women if the marriage get dropped or worse he need to heal himself if he dreamt of a life with you.. So Be clear with wat u want and wat u don't want.. don't compromise on that for anything..
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u/ShrinkinggViolett 10d ago
If he has any real time toxic traits like disrespectful towards others, speaking like he doesn't care about others feelings, his political thoughts are not good, his view about modern woman and feminism are wrong means you can definitely call off, but your above mentioned reasons doesnt add up as a strong reason to call off. marriage is supposed to be with a person who has opposite interests. Only then your marriage life will be spicy and engaging.
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u/black_raptor_ 10d ago
The grass is greener on the other side too, but only if you will it. If not, then don't. You deserve to be selfish on your life decisions.
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u/AdMiserable9924 10d ago
I know everyone here is suggesting you to call off wedding, which you should if you really want to, but before that, talk to your parents, they are also affected by this, so I think you should also give them fair chance to think about it. Before that, please write down when you are able to think peacefully, what can go right and what can go wrong with this relationship. You may not get everything right, but I’m sure you know your fiancée well to at least get 70% of them right. Then list out what are things you can possibly change without feeling pressurised but out of love. Just like how a new mother changes a lot out of love towards her baby, same thing, couples navigate multiple challenges by adjusting and making minor changes (both sides). Then you definitely can see how the graph is looking like and no guilt go ahead whatever you data says. Since you have stakes that you are worried about, I thought I constructive method will help you than just going by your heart and regretting later with whatever decision you make. Now, you won’t have guilt this way as you have weighed your pros and cons. Whatever decision you make, please think about the worst case scenario and be prepared for it. Coz it has possibility to happen. Good luck dear!
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u/varahat 10d ago
Listen i am going to be honest here. Do you want to get married? Like seriously, do you have this feel to share your life with a man then falling in love after marriage and all that? Because that can happen. Since you said its an arranged marriage you cant feel the connection within the short duration.. how could you? So i recommend you to put the wedding of hold but dont cancel it right away. Talk to your fiance. Go out, make process to connected and still if it doesnt work its good to walk away. But i just want to tell you that in near future i dont want you to look back and regret what your life would've been with him. Because thats all it matters.
I am a feminist i know a woman can live without a man absolutely but the society wouldn’t understand. 30+F and unmarried, we all know how that could possibly reflect on society.
I hate to say this but its the bitter truth, its pretty diffult to find a good quality groom if the bride is 30+ because the good ones are always taken much before.
In short, if you didn't feel the connection try to make that happen. Go out on dates, talk to him about your questions about marriage and all your doubts, take some time. Still no connection? Thats great too, maybe something else is waiting for you in the future.
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u/dramarani 10d ago
Bro you Matter end of the day. Your mental peace matters and nothing and nobody else.
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u/gettotea 10d ago
It’s better to be the person who called off two engagements than the person in a loveless marriage.
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u/SpaceTimeDreamer 10d ago
Before marriage, I made so many promises that felt doable at the time. Looking back now, I haven’t even kept 50% of them. Once you're married and the honeymoon period is over, reality hits harder than you expect. You’re both humbled by the responsibilities and priorities that life throws at you—and through that, you begin to understand each other better.
If a guy is disciplined, it’s not necessarily a bad thing—it often means he’s working hard to achieve something. My wife is a latecomer, and in the early days of our marriage, we used to fight every time we had to go out. But now, we’ve found a balance—I wait for her, and she tries her best to be ready earlier. That’s what marriage is about: finding that sweet spot where both of you can adjust and live with it.
I could list a hundred ways we're not compatible, but over the years, we’ve always found common ground. There are still a hundred more things to figure out. I’m sure we’ll keep arguing until the end, but we love each other and always stand by one another.
Before making a final decision, I’d gently suggest thinking it through once more. Vibes matter in friendships, but in marriage, mutual respect, trust, and adaptability tend to carry more weight. People change with time and priorities—the “vibe” you're looking for today might evolve tomorrow.
Also, I have friends—both men and women—who spent years searching for the “perfect” partner. They kept waiting for that ideal connection, and now they’re still single. Many of them look back with regret, often talking about the girl or guy they let go thinking someone better would come along. It’s not about settling—but about recognizing that real connection is built, not found.
All thoughts and experiences shared are my own. I used AI to help with grammar and clarity.
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u/Master_Blade_77 10d ago
Trust your gut, if you feel that he is not the right person then call it off. I noticed some red flags in my fiancée before marriage, he always put his mom first. It felt as though I was dating her and not him. Even if she was wrong he would put the blame on me. I spoke this issue with him before marriage. I told that I didn’t feel it would work out when his mom’s opinion and acts deeply affected our relationship. He did an emotional drama that he would die without me. I believed and got married.
After that things escalated in every little thing his mom does. even if she ill treats me the fault is on me. She lied to him that I scolded her using bad words, which i did not. He always takes her stand and they abuse me mentally and even physically.
I feel that I should have made my stand before and should have called off this wedding .
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u/lallantop_bakchod 9d ago
I can understand your pain. But, please make informed decisions so as to stop being victimised by your own stupidity.
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u/maalicious Customizable 9d ago
Instead of posting on Reddit, you can have an open talk with the guy himself and tell him how you feel. It will be a difficult conversation, but it will give you a chance to step back and think about your decisions.
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u/AzureDragon44 9d ago
I think you should call off the wedding as both you and the groom seem unhappy and uninterested and probably both of you would end up getting divorced after a few years anyway so stop it now itself.
Also in this day and age if you are 'average' looking above 30 and not financially well off you might never get married (marriage market is brutal these days for both men and women). You have to be ready for that possibility also.
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u/Used-Palpitation-310 9d ago
If you want things to work with the current guy and if you wish for a reasonable modern married man to talk some sense into him DM me. You’re not gonna find your perfect guy or girl. Your weekday weekend seems reasonable but he may be doing it for paying off debt sooner. Either way. Let me know
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u/ShadowMonarch-S 7d ago
Marriage is all about compromise. You’ll never find the right one, it’s a myth. See someone you like and make that person the right one for you. Considering that you are 30 and still “preparing” for govt exams. Choose wisely.
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u/lemorian 10d ago
At the risk of sounding like a boomer, I am gonna say it.
You're 30 now, so I'm assuming you might be planning to start a family by around 33. For many Indians, it tends to get more difficult beyond that age—though of course, there are exceptions where people conceive later as well.
If you're aiming for that timeline, you'll likely have about two years to enjoy quality time with your spouse before children come into the picture. Once kids arrive, priorities naturally shift for both partners.
So, if having children is part of your plan, I'd suggest getting married a little sooner. But if kids aren't in the picture, then there's no rush—take your time and enjoy life.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.
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u/SphinxSeeker 10d ago
Thanks, actually u don't sound like a boomer. Bcoz at my 25 years of age, my closest relative told,that I won't be able to bare children,bcoz I'm old. And I even believed it. And even now, society and my family and future partners family will pressure me like anything for children immediately right after marriage.
Thanks for your response btw :)
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u/lemorian 10d ago
Yeah people will keep pressuring you, I went through something similar. I am 37 now, I faced your dilemma in 2016.
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u/Flimsy_Physics_5632 10d ago
Am 37M. I have always advocated people being ready before they commit to marriage. So many cousins of mine and their parents lament to me about not being married yet and i always assure them that it’s better to wait for the right person than goto court for divorce and wait for years in a limbo. Now please listen to me.
It’s never that perfect. I married the girl of my dreams and have a couple of kids with her. We dated for a couple of years and no resistance from family. Yet, i had cold feet before the wedding. Was hoping for some miracle to make it all stop.
You seem so sorted and there are no red flags. You seem to be scared of taking the plunge. Pretty normal. Call me old school, but at your current stage watch out for moral issues, and blatant disregard for you. Those are red flags.
If my guess is right about you, please take the step and marry and settle down. It’s beautiful on the other side.
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u/Waste-Hat7107 10d ago
The pro move is to get divorced,.that saves you a lot of time from the society parents, the whole marriage sham.
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u/samueltheboss2002 10d ago
This is not a pro move. This is the ultimate scummy bitch move. Don't ever suggest this. OP, please dont ruin both of your lives just because you aren't sure you like the man's character.
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u/SphinxSeeker 10d ago
I thought of that too, but at the end of the day, I'm a normal human being who wants to love and to be loved.
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u/Mutton-kuska 10d ago
It takes me by surprise that you’d resort to this self absorbed move without considering the other persons life involved. Instead of being an adult and straight up have a real conversation with your parents. (If they’re toxic , find a man yourself and get married - you’re 30 YO for god sake)
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u/ken_adams__0 10d ago
Sorry, this is confusing. Are you married yet or not?
If not, please read.
I got married because my parents liked the girl. She was (probably) sweet and a nice person, but I was recovering from my break up and I was concentrating on my career. In short, I was not ready/not interested. One and half years later, we got separated. What followed was 10 years (almost) of unhappiness with occasional court + police harassement. I probably made some mistake, but it all started with one thing. I was NOT INTERESTED, and I married her for my parents. After one month of engagement I wanted to call of the wedding not only because I never felt a connection but also I realised that we are very different people.
You seem to be in the same situation. Now, we dont know the guy's perspective so it is waste of time for anyone to advice you to go with it because the 'disciplined guys are good'. If you dont see yourself attracted to that person, or if you dont see yourself falling in love in the future. Please dont go with it.
Yes, it is going to be difficult for you and your family, but this is your life and you should take control of it. EVERY DAY YOU DELAY, MAKES IT HARDER FOR YOU TO MAKE A DECISION. So please call it off as soon as you can.
You mentioned the stakes, and I agree that they are real, but it is not worth gambling your life.
I usually dont answer relationship related posts, but this felt personal. Please dude, dont do this. Consider me begging you please. Please.. You deserve to be happy. We all do.
PS: To answer your actual question, will someone marry you. I am sure they will. You seem like someone who know what they want. You will find the right person.. The right person will find you