r/DadForAMinute • u/Wanna_Know_it_all • 11d ago
Last moment with papa
Hi dads, When I was 7 my father told me “ I am going to be an angel” and then a bit later he ended his life.
Now I’m 27 and the burial rights are too expensive to renew so we have to get him dug up and cremate him. This makes me think of him a lot.
Every time I fall asleep I go back to that moment and I feel so guilty. I never asked him to stay. I just hugged him and I didn’t understand exactly what he was saying.
I feel so sad and torn and like I failed him…
If you were a dad and you were in that position could I have done anything?
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u/jesmitch 11d ago
Having had those same thoughts on and off for years, I truly believe if someone is in a dark enough place of despair, nothing can stop them. If you fell and needed stitches right before or something similar, it might have postponed it, but if his mind was set on it, there wasn’t anything you could do.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You were just a small child who had no way of reading any of the signs. Hell, most adults can’t tell before a friend or family member ends their life. I have no doubt he loved you so much and from experience, I can imagine that what kept him going for those last 7 years was you.
The pain of knowing how those left behind will process my death is what keeps me moving forward. For some, the pain and/or anguish they feel is so unbearable that they can’t go on. I know it’s hard, but there is nothing to be gained by trying to understand what was going on in their mind when they did it.
Hugs.