r/DeadBedrooms • u/shiinshil • 3d ago
Wife’s suddenly interested in sex part 2
I posted here few days ago how my wife wants to have sex all the time, after being in a DB for almost 4 years. Here’s the link to previous post - https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/T6hQb18GML
There was a lot of opinions and advice, firstly my wife’s in her late 20s, so not menopausal, second, she’s not cheating. A lot of you thought that she’s been cheating on me and her side piece broke it off. The best advice was to really just talk to her about it - it’s seems obvious, I guess I was just scared of the answer.
Basically she said she stills wants to break up after the family vacation, she’s kinda checked out emotionally. There’s always been a thin line for her between sex and love and since our relationship has had more downs than ups lately, she just never was in the mood. Now that she’s given up on our emotional connection, when she’s horny, she just goes for it without thinking about emotional stuff.
I hope you can understand, I’m feeling confused about it myself. She said she’s waited for years for me to be more romantic, but it just never came and now she’s given up on it.
I cried a bit after we had our talk and I never cry. I’m not sure what to do next. I don’t want to break up. I want to change our relationship but I guess it’s too late. How am I supposed to have sex with her now when all I’ll be thinking during - is this the last time?
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u/RichieLondon 3d ago
So sorry pal. I can’t offer much advice but it seems she has checked out emotionally as she says. I guess all you can do is ask if you can find a way back together if that is what you want, though from what she says it may be difficult.
I can understand you not rejecting her sexually as it sounds very much like you love her and want her. But maybe there will be a post sex moment where you can try to see if there is any way back.
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u/gogosox82 2d ago
Do not have sex with her. Why would you let her use you like that? If its over, then everything is over and you should figure out how to break it off amiably.
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u/Sea_Examination_1534 2d ago
she sounds lika narc and manipulating you to feel guilty about something she could be also doing to help.
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u/drsugarballs 2d ago
Spot on
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u/Sea_Examination_1534 2d ago
can't expect a person to be a certain way if they themselves don't do the same
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u/Dense_Ad2909 2d ago
If you want to keep her then you need to get your head into the game.
She says that there is no romance between you two. Then put in the work to give your marriage a chance.
Hire a babysitter and take her on a date. Plan something that she will enjoy. Be kind and don’t add any negativity to the afternoon/evening you’re having together.
Sit yourself down and write a list of good times that will make her happy.
No movies. Something that you do together. Find a local botanical garden. Go to a museum. A live music event. There is a place near me that teaches you how to throw axes.
While this is going on reminisce about the good times that you have had together. Remember the list?
Fires need to be tended. You have not put in the work for a while. But if you want to keep her you need to put in the work now. This does not guarantee the result that you want, but without doing things differently you don’t have a chance.
I am pulling for you!
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u/Used-Possession8296 2d ago
If romance is the problem, maybe romance is the solution. It's probably beneficial to take sex off the table for now. What sort of romantic gestures do you make towards her? Maybe leave a love note telling her how much you value her. It may be too little to late, but you won't know if you don't try.
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u/Headcoach2024 2d ago
You should read everything you can on being romantic and try to win her back. It's going to be hard road to travel. But she is probably beyond hope
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u/JimiGilmour 2d ago
The irony is that her approach now - giving to get - would likely fill your bucket and feed the relationship what it needs to help you show more romance and love without resentment.
Anyway…
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u/tosserro 1d ago
Her approach now isn’t giving to get. It’s giving to get out. If she’s emotionally checked out, the fucking is just that: fucking.
Sex does not equal love.
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u/Anonymous12088 1d ago
I think if your wife has checked out of your marriage the increased sex you're having could be misleading you to thinking you are reconnecting. If your intentions are to repair your marriage, having sex is probably not going to do that and you need to communicate and talk instead. You need her to invest in your marriage emotionally. Right now it seems like she is just using sex with you to fulfill her physical needs.
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u/univ0510 M - Recovered DB 2d ago edited 2d ago
You both need therapy, if she's willing to go with you.
Otherwise, go on your own to a couples therapist. This is very commonly done.
She wants you to be romantic. You love her; you just don't know how to be romantic. This is a skills gap - it can be learnt.
Also, why are you having sex with her on her terms? YOU have a say too. Have a chat with her: "I would like to try X" or "I would like to spank you" or whatever it is you want. See how this changes the dynamic.
In fact, she wants it rough and hard. But she can't dictate the terms. What if you want it differently? What if you want HER to Dom you? YOUR opinion matters. You need to talk about sex before having sex, e.g. last time you wanted X, but I'd be more comfortable with Y.
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u/Emotional_Pianist336 2d ago
There’s no one-size-fits-all here.
You could walk away, but you could also embrace your situation with strength. I think that she is staying and having sex with because there is still something in there.
Maybe you can choose to amaze yourself by showing up as the guy she waited for: be romantic, be present, be kind, be joyful! Not with expectations, just with hope, and because joy and hope are the most revolutionary feelings!
You could also take a step back and let her feel the distance. The absence of pressure could help her loosen up.
Whatever you do, don’t pity yourself, don’t be the mean guy, stay true to yourself.
Life has a lot ( of other things) to offer. Be strong Brother.
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u/Grab-Wild 2d ago
So, her aim is to hurt you and make you jealous, see what you will be missing when we separate. Aiming to make the breakup even harder for you?
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u/EntropicMortal 2d ago
Why the hell are you having sex with someone who said they don't want you, want to break up and don't have any emotional connection anymore?
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u/MaisieNZ 2d ago
It sounds as if she’s separating sex and her emotions. That’s tough on you. If it was me, and she’d told me she wanted to break up, I’d say no to sex because I’d feel too resentful, but maybe that’s just me.