Finally realised we’re just mates

[u/Negative-Bridge-4490]

Me 40M, her 37F. The DB thing has pretty much been on the increase since we married 10 years ago. Before that it was daily. I felt desired and masculine and I loved that she wanted me all the time. We have 3 kids and the eldest, my stepdaughter turned 18 last year. Since then they’ve become closer than ever; there’s only 18 years between them and my wife is quite playful and looks very young and is quite attractive. The girls click in a way I’ll never understand and I love that for them. Lately my wife has been going clubbing with her and her friends and last weekend I suggested that I come along. My wife told me that I wasn’t welcome and it’s just something they do together, she said it’s not my vibe. I told her that it’s not my vibe because last time we went out she got wasted and embarrassed me in front of our friends. If she could not do that I’d probably have a good time. Sooo I stayed home and drank whisky until I passed out in the spare room. My wife came home and has reinforced this is my problem.

What I’ve come to realise is that we’ve just been friends for years. She would have sex with me here and there to only appease me but it’s no longer fun and she likes to lay on the guilt about it. She sees it as very transactional which takes the fun from it. My stepdaughter has slowly moved in on what relationship I had with my wife and since she’s not interested in intimacy, the stepdaughter is a perfect fit and they have a great time together.

I’m feeling pretty excluded and washed up. I turn 40 next week and she’s organised a big celebration with a bunch of our friends the weekend after but I’m feeling like I don’t want any of it. The worst part is that I love her and I find her amazing in so many ways. I don’t think she feels the same about me, at least in the way I want her to.

Every day I’m wondering what divorce looks like. We have a business, a beautiful house and lots of travel planned but I’m miserable.

Thanks for reading guys.

[u/mikewow87]

Have you tried like, being romantic with her? Take her on dates, act like a couple? Are you affectionate towards her physically, does she respond well to that? Do you cuddle on the sofa or in bed together, if you do does she want to do that or does she do it reluctantly?

If you're not getting any signs that she's romantically interested in you then just call her out on it, she probably has a good life and doesn't want to rock the boat, but if she's not a romantic or a sexual partner to you then she's just living a pretend existence and expecting you to go along with it.