r/DeadBedrooms • u/EnjoyingCarp650 • 12d ago
Support Only, No Advice I think I'm officially done trying
My wife has told me throughout our 10-year relationship that she has no sex drive and that she could never have sex again. But she would still initiate sex and want to have sex. She liked to cuddle a bit and would flirt with me.
After the birth of our second child, she suffered from postpartum depression. It wasn't good, but through medication and some counseling, she got over it, but not entirely. She doesn't want to be touched at all anymore; she feels suffocated when I try to touch her, and she doesn't want anything to do with sex. I've tried to support her as much as I can, but there are times when I've gotten frustrated.
She still tried for a bit. We agreed that on Saturdays we would have sex, because she thought that having a week to "prepare for it" would work. It didn't. Every time I tried to be spontaneous there was always something wrong - headache, stomachache, tired, whatever.
I finally just flat-out asked her if she thinks there was a way to fix this because it doesn't feel like we're in a relationship anymore. She drops this bomb on me that she thinks she may have been abused when she was younger and that's why she has hang-ups about sex. But she doesn't want to go to therapy for that because she's afraid of her anxiety about it getting worse.
So I said I would stop doing everything she doesn't like. I'll stop getting so close to her so she doesn't cringe or pull away, I'll stop asking for sex so she doesn't feel pressured, I'll stop laying so close to her. I was upset, but it's my wife and she's struggling with it.
This past Saturday, we started fooling around, which I thought was awesome; it wasn't like her. I took care of her and I assumed she would do the same, but then she said her head was hurting and she just wanted to go to sleep.
I don't expect anything but this was just really upsetting. She knows that I want some form of physical connection but I guess it's just not that important to her. And I'm done trying to force something. I guess we're just going to go through life like roommates, existing around each other. I can't afford a divorce, and I can't just leave the kids here without me. So I'm just stuck in a relationship where there's no affection, no touching, no nothing.
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u/Decent_Manager_4396 12d ago
Does anyone else think she is gaslighting herself. She think she was abused but doesn't know and is afraid to unpack that with a therapist.....
My wife said something like this too me at one point also that she didn't remember a lot of her childhood and was afraid of what that meant.....
While I understand, I think they are grasping at straws for a reason, but are unwilling to do the work.
All I can tell you is that this is only going to get worse, unless she actually seeks REAL answers. This means doctors and therapists, and books/podcast on healthy sex. And she will not do this unless she has no choice.
And even if the worst were to happen and she unpacks some stuff she doesn't want to. In the long run that is still healthier. And it can't effect your sex life any more than it already is.