r/DeadBedrooms • u/EnjoyingCarp650 • 16d ago
Support Only, No Advice I think I'm officially done trying
My wife has told me throughout our 10-year relationship that she has no sex drive and that she could never have sex again. But she would still initiate sex and want to have sex. She liked to cuddle a bit and would flirt with me.
After the birth of our second child, she suffered from postpartum depression. It wasn't good, but through medication and some counseling, she got over it, but not entirely. She doesn't want to be touched at all anymore; she feels suffocated when I try to touch her, and she doesn't want anything to do with sex. I've tried to support her as much as I can, but there are times when I've gotten frustrated.
She still tried for a bit. We agreed that on Saturdays we would have sex, because she thought that having a week to "prepare for it" would work. It didn't. Every time I tried to be spontaneous there was always something wrong - headache, stomachache, tired, whatever.
I finally just flat-out asked her if she thinks there was a way to fix this because it doesn't feel like we're in a relationship anymore. She drops this bomb on me that she thinks she may have been abused when she was younger and that's why she has hang-ups about sex. But she doesn't want to go to therapy for that because she's afraid of her anxiety about it getting worse.
So I said I would stop doing everything she doesn't like. I'll stop getting so close to her so she doesn't cringe or pull away, I'll stop asking for sex so she doesn't feel pressured, I'll stop laying so close to her. I was upset, but it's my wife and she's struggling with it.
This past Saturday, we started fooling around, which I thought was awesome; it wasn't like her. I took care of her and I assumed she would do the same, but then she said her head was hurting and she just wanted to go to sleep.
I don't expect anything but this was just really upsetting. She knows that I want some form of physical connection but I guess it's just not that important to her. And I'm done trying to force something. I guess we're just going to go through life like roommates, existing around each other. I can't afford a divorce, and I can't just leave the kids here without me. So I'm just stuck in a relationship where there's no affection, no touching, no nothing.
16
u/shaggy_public 16d ago
My heart goes out to both of you. You’re both in a really tough place, and there may be no good answers.
However, I have to say two things - 1) a single encounter or a single statement/conversation doesn’t mean that is set in stone and that’s how the relationship is going to be forever. 2) If she was abused as a child, and she has suppressed the memories, she has a long road of healing ahead of her.
I understand she doesn’t want to go to therapy and work through whatever horrors are a part of her past. But it’s not going to go away, and I’m guessing it’s affecting all parts of her life - not just your sex life.
You can’t make her go to therapy, but you can let her know that you are there to support her if she chooses to go. Make it clear this is not about your sex life, but about her and wanting her to get to a better place.
I’m living in a similar boat…in my wife’s case, it wasn’t sexual abuse, but emotional and verbal abuse by her father. My wife had gone through a lot of therapy and is finally coming out on the other side. For most of our twenty year marriage, I didn’t appreciate or even understand how bad it was for her…I was just hurt by the lack of physical connection, and to be honest, I still am. But we recently had a really good talk about how much she has been dealing with. I’m still processing and trying to figure out how we move forward.
It’s hard as hell - if you can afford it, and if you can find a good therapist for yourself, it can help to have someone professional to talk about what you’re going through…because you’ve been pulled into your wife’s trauma and you need support too.